my date of 2 months admitted last night he is bothered by me having ds....

[petitfromage]

...should I be worried? He hasn't met him yet as we have been out just the 2 of us on about 8-9 dates. We are having a great time, he has stayed over a few times (hooray!!) when ds been at parents and in all other ways I'm happy to let things just carry on as they are and see where we end up.

But then last night I asked him (after a bottle of wine) whether it bothered him that I had ds...he said yes a bit. He's very honest at least! But he's same age as me (36) so doesn't need to date someone with kids necessarily. I asked him whether he wanted to meet ds and he said no not yet. Again very honest!

So should I be worried? Or relieved that he is honest and not faking his emotions? Not sure how I feel but would probably have preferred him to be slightly more enthusiastic about the idea of ds.

Advice greatly appreciated as dating as LP is a minefield!!!

I have no experience of dating as an LP but I don't think I would be concerned at this stage. I suspect as a child-free person it probably is a bit strange, and as you say you just need to see how things pan out. What's his family background, does he have siblings, do they have children? I have friends with zero knowledge of kids and it does make a difference - I would just see how things develop.

He of course doesn't mean any disservice to your ds personally, I know our mama tiger emotions kick in with any 'criticism' however unintentionally meant .

Thanks tribpot - really appreciate outsiders input, as you quite rightly say my instincts are to say grrr my ds is awesome and you are LUCKY I want to introduce you to him!

He has one brother with 2 dds age 4 & 20 months so aware of the concept but tbh not the most kid friendly type ever, although he defends my ds to me and tells me to allow him to be a boy more and worry about him less. He's lovely but the complete opposite of my emotionally - my heart well and truly on my sleeve, his hidden very well inside manly chest! He laughs at my raw emo state where he can just keep his under wraps. He is quite a private guy too and hasn't told his family about me yet so I feel a bit out in the cold still although I know we both like each other. Or I think we do...

Just wondering whether he will never be into the idea of kids or whether he is just working his way in gradually....sooooo confused.

Hmm. When I was single and childfree, I would not date anyone with kids at all. And if I started dating them and found out they had kids, I ended things immediately. It was just not something I wanted to get into.

Soooo, that he's come this far, maybe he's more flexible and just needs time.

My ex just wanted me all to himself, he far far preffered it when i made other arrangements for my three dd's and we went on like this for two long years. I finally ended it and am bloody glad i did, 4 years later i am happily married to a man who loves his new family very much (didnt hesitate in meeting them) and we have an 18 month old DS.

Some guys are just not ever going to get used to the kid thing and some are into you enough to give it a try and if it works (like it did for us and my teenage dd's) then it works and it will all hopefully 'just fit' I dated as a LP for a while and got to know the signs after my initial long term relationship failed, god knows how but i always seemed to date men without children (not on purpose) and my DH was without children and 33 but it was fine. I sometimes dated and had fun with guys that i knew it was never going to go anywhere with - just kept them away from my home and my heart and had fun hope you work it out OP.

we met through internet so he knew I had ds upfront. He admitted that he made conscious decision not to eliminate people with kids so he is fairly open minded in principle at least!

Btw this is helping me see it from his POV so thank you - but all advice v much appreciated as this is the scariest situation I've been in since exh left a couple of years ago. Last time I felt like this I ended up married and then a LP....

v good advice from rosiep 'just kept them away from my home and my heart and had fun'
do this til the situation is clearer, op

Sounds like he is having the normal single person fears.

The trouble is, as sensible as it is not meeting DS too soon, both of them really need to meet up to get a reality check.

Sounds like you're not sure of him either. Have you read "The Rules"? Do what they suggest and pull back a bit (be busy, other friends to go out etc). If he's interested he'll make more effort and if he's not he'll go.

IME I've found that many blokes love a single mum. All the hard work's done, they can see you can cope with life and they stand a good chance of been fed on a regular basis.

I'm not 100% sure in that he is so different to me and I honestly don't know and can't tell where his heart is. He has put his career first for the last few years hence he is single but cards on table we get on really well and I think if it wasn't for DS I'd be sure things would progress.

Last night when we were in bed I had a few tears as I realised that a part of me wished DS wasn't around so that I was free to date without all the complications (tears came from the guilt of realising what that feeling meant - DS's dad is rubbish so I'm all he has and for a second I wanted to be free too...hated myself for that). But in the cold light of day I know DS is my life and I am the luckkiest mum ever and would give my life for him etc.

But why is dating never simple? sigh....

After only a couple of months, does it really matter? I would advise just enjoying the time you spend with this man rather than trying to mold him into New Daddy for DS. It's not a crime to be uninterested in children and/or commitment (as long as you don't fib to the person you are dating).
TBH more distasters are cause by people approaching everyone they date as Potential Life Partner and desperately trying to hurry things along to the 'next stage' - there is nothing wrong with dating just to enjoy dating, fun and a shag or two.

As a single mum - he's 19 - if the man is interested in me, then he is interested in my son cos we are a double whammy LOL

If not, bye! NEXT!! :o

And as for that "shag", sure, but insist
on a condom!! Really! WTF!!

I wouldn't introduce him yet and when I did do it, I'd make it a very casual event, not "Here's your new daddy!" (Sorry, know you wouldn't do that.)

I think, though, that he has to be reminded of the impact that your child has on your time - if you only see him when your child isn't around, it can seem as though you have a lot of time just for him. That isn't really realistic.

I can understand a man worrying about meeting the children and then wondering how he could end the relationship with their mother (at some future point) without hurting the kids.

Don't feel guilty, what you were really wishing for was a chance to do something for yourself, for once.

Oh dear this just makes me scared!

I'm ten yrs younger and the guy I'm dating has no experience of kids. Yet the ones who do aren't always open minded about Your child, so maybe this is ok!

However, by 36, I would have thought most men have considered being a daddy, looked at their friends with their kids and thought they might even like to give it a try? I think the other people have given good advice, he must like you to have had 8 dates.

It probably would be good if he was able to meet your child - is he primary school age - briefly, just to get an idea of him as a person in his own right, but not just as a drain on you adults, maybe if you all went to an adventure park/fun museum that caters for all ages, together? And made sure you all went home before the grumpy tired bit? Just my suggestion, not sure if it is the right one.

I wouldn't worry about it too much. I have been seeing my DP for 3 months and he has only just met my DS. He had asked before if he could meet him but I think it was cos he thought he should say that to make me think he wasn't bothered by him. He was very nervous about it as he has no experience with kids and doesn't know any at all. I didn't want him to meet DS too soon as a) I don't want DS to get attached to people who may not stick around and b) I didn't want DP to be scared off by it all when things were still in the having fun early dating stage.

They ended up meeting last week cos DP came to a christening with us. Had it not been for that I probably would have left it longer although more recently DP had been getting more enthusiastic about meeting DS and I got the feeling he was actually getting impatient about it and really wanted to where as before I think he asked if he could but wasn't 100% certain he wanted to yet.

Before I had kids, I wanted nothing to do with someone else s. Mainly because I was scared. If you give him time to feel 100% comfortable with you, he may change his mind. I know I did not really know how to act around kids til I had them, especially a lovers. The idea intimidated me. Although ,if he is 36, he should probably get warmed up to the idea since a lot ( I know not all) of people have children by this age.

Really hard to answer this without being there and actually meeting him. On the one hand he could be a self obsessed perpetual teenager who will never be ready for being a step dad to kids. Or, he could be a lovely man who simply doesn't have much experience of children and is being honest with you about what he feels, which is great. Only time will tell. Personally, I would procede with caution.

It sounds as if you are doing a lot of tiptoeing around this man's feelings. What about you? How do you feel about a man for whom your DS is a potential deal breaker?

Fair enough if you have to down a bottle before you can bring up DS, but presumably he's helped you with the bottle, and his answer was still basically "Thanks, but no thanks." No warm fuzzy moment of optimism and openness for him, then.

Also I do not like at all the bit when (in a nutshell) being with him makes you feel that your DS is cramping your style, and thinking like this making you feel so awful that you cry. WTF? He is supposed to make you feel good, not confused, not worried, not that you have already messed up everything because you have a child.

He is not being honest by avoiding to consider a major part of your life, he's just being selfish.
Also, I do not buy this emo state under wraps and being a private guy, he sounds like a cold fish, especially when you consider the imbalance of emotions between you wanting to introduce him to your DS and him not having even mentioned you to his family. At this stage, he clearly does not think that you are going to make the grade.
I have read your posts very carefully and I am very sorry to say that IMO, you are wasting your time investing emotions and hopes in this man.
If everything was right, after 2 months, you wouldn't be sad, confused and worried.

I think that for some guys it's a little too easy to prey on single mums who are craving the comfort of a relationship and are prepared to be very very patient and accommodating with regards to their own needs. Those guys always seem to wrinkle up their noses a bit at the slight whiff of 2d rate goods, with the baggage, etc.. although funnily enough, they manage not to be too turned off by it in the bedroom.

So, this is where it could become interesting, because you are obviously very attracted by him. If you can trust yourself to enjoy having some "me time" without being destroyed by the lack of commitment, why not have some fun? Have some non-mummy time when you can snatch it. Enjoy the attention, be selfish. But keep your DS well out of it.

It sounds cheesy, but when the right man comes along, you will just know, and your DS will not be an issue.

Gosh I wished someone had said all that to me years ago.

Bonne chance petitfromage.

You met through the internet and he hasn't introduced you to any of his family yet. You're already sizing him up as a potential long term mate.

These are problems, confirmed by his feelings about your DS. He's probably still on the net, because are not The One for him. What exactly can you now do about your DS, after all?

Dump. More fish, etc... Or do as Catherinedenerve says and enjoy it while you can, because it won't last.

I think you have to take matters very carefully and keep your 'love/sex ' life separate from your son and your everyday activities until you are sure how you feel about this man. You may over invest in what may turn out to be a casual affair and then feel very let down, if he decodes to go.
Even though he now knows you have a son he does not seem at all keen on getting to know him as a part of 'who you are', so it might be just the signal that says....'wait a mo, what is going on here.Am I looking for a long term relationships or just testing the waters'?....

Some men haunt the internet for just a fling and good at pulling the wool, they also often choose women who appear vulnerable and eager for a relationship.....
Enjoy the fun but be very careful about who you introduce your child to at this stage.....all the best

He does sound awful doesn't he?

I think the last few posters are overreacting a bit here........they have only been on 9 dates- they barely know each other. So what if he hasn't told his entire family about her? Maybe his family aren't that close. Maybe his mum has a tendency to get all overexcited every time there's a hint he might have met someone so he plays it close.

I think the guy is being pretty open and honest with the OP. He's not stringing her along and given the ambivilence of his feelings, I think it's entirely sensible that he wants to defer meeting her son- what's the point of confusing him? If the situation was the same in 3 months time, then I think I'd have alarm bells, but at the moment, I think he's acting in an entirely mature and appropriate way.

I'm sorry, but the fact he's told you he is 'bothered' that you have a child, has never met the child and doesn't WANT to (yet) would really concern me.

If a man really likes you he will want to meet everyone and know everything about you and your child is a huge part of you.

He would be keen to meet him I think - and the fact he has had it so far as a situation where it is just you and him and your child hasn't been there, suggests to me that there's a possibility he is really enjoying having lots of adult time with you, but would not particularly want that, erm, 'spoiled' for want of a better word, by having a small child around.

I had a nice bloke I liked once, who came round, was nice etc but he said something slightly impatient about ds going to bed, and if it would be soon, and I thought 'well if you don't want him around now, I don't think you are the chap for us'

iyswim ds is integral in your life, absolutely integral and though I think your decision to keep him separate initially is applaudable, I think your chap's attitude to this is crucial - he needs to actively like children, want to meet him want to INCLUDE him, because otherwise every time you are all together as a family he could turn out to be resentful, and make you feel bad about putting ds first or ds interrupting your conversations or you might get the sighing when ds does something all children do, like dropping an ice cream on the bloke, can you imagine him being OK with that?

I would have alarm bells ringing, myself. I hope I am wrong but your instinct made you post this and I think you should listen to it. Your ds is the most important thing here, and the bloke doesn't want to meet him.

Did he give a reason or clarify the 'bothered' at all?

I envy your positiveness, BaggedandTagged.
I too hope that his reticence is the sign of a decent man considering the whole picture.
However, how can someone be ambivalent, yet mature and appropriate?
You mean as in "Let's just sleep together until I know what to do with you, and if no one else knows about it, there's no harm done is there?" sort of way?
The man is 36. He is giving her such mixed signals that after 2 months of dating, she is not even sure that he likes her.
The career first thing is really convenient for explaining availability, but I am yet to meet a man that has been prevented by his career from forming relationships. Was he a monk? Did he work on an oil rig?
Where is the over reaction in saying that she should enjoy the fun and not get her hopes too high, at least until Mr OpenandHonest declares himself?

I'm sorry B&T but I do agree with Catherine.

He's been seeing OP for quite a while now and is still not sure he likes her enough to meet her child.

I'm not saying he ought to meet the child but a bit of enthusiasm would be nice (crucial imo)

Some men will want to have exclusive rights to you and in a sense will take advantage of the fact you don't want to introduce your child too soon, because they see this as a lovely opportunity to have some no strings sex with you.

You need to be cautious about it.

On the positive side he is being honest and it is a good idea to take things very slowly with a DC and not rush in. However you need to decide where it is heading.
If it is just fun, then you can keep it on that level and keep the 2 parts of your life separate. However if you are seeing him as a long term partner then I would stop it now, before you get hurt. I was a single parent with one DS and it was very much 'love me-love my DS'. He was part of the package and deserved the best-I certainly wasn't going to put up with him being a grudging part of the package.
I would just take it as it goes for the time being, but be prepared for it to end if he still doesn't want to meet DS in a few months time.

My DP didn't meet any of my family until 3 months. Even then I didn't want him to, it felt too soon, but as he was coming as my guest to a christening I didn't have much choice.

However he had met all my friends and I've met most of his. Have you introduced eachother to friends at all?