Do you class your Ex as an Equal Parent?

[smokinaces]

I have a thread in AIBU about ex's new girlfriend, and a lot of replies are about him being the DS's equal parent.

See, I (and he) dont view it like that. And I wondered if we are alone.

Ex-H is happy to be a weekend dad. He leaves all hospital appointments, school choices, uniform shopping, most disciplining, diet choices etc to me. I asked when he left if he wanted to be involved in which school the DC went to, or nursery etc and he said no - that choice was for me to make in their interests.

If the children are going through a challenging stage, he agrees with the things I put in place, and if the children are ill or do something out of the ordinary when they are with him he rings to ask for advice.

I would say the parenting is shared 75/25, and is not equal- and he would agree with this. He has them 1 night and 1 day a week, but normally to suit mine and the childrens plans. He rings them every day to ask about their day (they are 4 & 2) and I do try and include him in DS2's special needs for instance, but the parenting responsibility falls majoritively to me. (an example would be that I would take the children to the GP/Minor injuries if they needed and only ring when it were serious, where as he would ring me to ask what should happen and can I take them if thats a good example?)

He was never a hands on dad when he was at home (had not even had both DSs at the same time alone until he left when they were 3 and 1!) so we're both happy with this - but are we unusual not classing ourselves as equal parents?

I could weep!
The split is more like 99.9/0.1 for me, but it's my own fault for reproducing with a prize twat.

That's pretty much us, and was when he was here too. I just class us both as "parents"

no! bit like corran. Plus, my x doesn't contribute.

I know what you mean corran, I reproduced with an abusive narcissist.

wow, glad I posted here and not in AIBU. I think 75/25 may be a bit optimistic tbh, but wasnt sure how much of a flaming i would get for daring to say this in the first place! Its probably more 85/15, less when he's not bothering to contribute money wise.

Mine luckily wasnt abusive or a huge twat - just a very immature controlling early mid-life crisis typical man.

funny thing is though, all the stuff you list is the stuff I do not dh and we're not separated (sorry to gatecrash the topic)

sanfairyann, exactly the same as to when we were together. And add to that that I ran the house, did all the cooking and cleaning and all the monies, all he had to do was get up and think about himself. Dont think we've ever been equal parents - he still classes himself as "babysitting" the kids for me when he has them on weekends.

I often have the same dilema. Whenever ex doesn't get his own way e.g changing plans to see dc at the 11th hour and I already have plans I get lots of comments from him saying that I dont see him as an equal parent etc and he has equal rights to me and then I feel a bit guilty.I have to realise that he only has them a couple of night a month, no invlovement with school/nursery/never taken them to dentist/doctors.
Doesnt keep clothes at his house, never phones to see how they are, even if they are poorly (I should be phoning him as a sign of respect to his importance as a father), doesnt pay child maintenance despite earning >80K for reasons only he understands.

I would love to view him as an equal parent and every so often he put on a good act for a day or som ,but yes he is abusive narcisstic as well, so what can I expect.

smokinaces, my ex has been seeing girlfriend for 5 months, has stayed when the dc are there, I have heard from rumours that they are getting married and she is pregnant (we are noowhere near divorced so to his refusal to cooperate so not sure how that will work!) - never has the courtesy too tell me - so I feel your pain re the other post and have had to try and let go and realise that there will always be a part of dc's life that I wont know about and try and be in control of my own life and what i can control.
However it sounds like you ex is a more decent person than mine and hopefully yo can have some boundaries re the new girlfriend to protect your dc's, but as long as you feel he is putting their needs first they will be fine, but I agree, horrible to have no say are some things when you are left to make all decision about other things - not sure of the solution though

Mmmm, I think I am in the same sort of scenario as you. Ex has the kids on his fortnightly saturday, no more no less and is quite happy with that. However I do make the effort to keep him informed of what is going on in the girls lives, consult him about schooling, pass on reports etc and offer him the opportunity to attend any events if I have enough notice for him to get the time off work. If the girls are playing up for me I also on occasions will contact him as I feel it is important for him to still have some sort of disciplinarian role rather than being "fun daddy" all the time.

Like you though it is more 75/25 and tbh it was even less than that when we were together. He has 4 kids from marriage before we met who he has not had any relationship so I am determined that he remains a father figure for my children. Re new gf's, his is actually a good influence on him and they've done so much more together since she has been a part of his life (in fact she's so lovely I'm fed up of the kids bloody going on about her lol).

Aw Anne, was this his choice then? Don't wanna make presumptions as he could be a loser who couldn't face up to it or someone you thought you would both be better off without.

no. he is their father and i am their mother. i do all parenting so i am the parent.

Yes absolutely I see my Ex Partner as an equal parent, but we are also different people and our mutual situations are different. Therefore how we express this equality of responsibility is between us to agree (or not as just as often).

Are the parents of a family where one parent works and the other stays at home equal parents or is the one who stays at home while the other works just that little bit more of a parent. What about people who work in the armed forces and maybe away from their children for long periods of time are they any lesser parent then the partner that looks after the children while they are away?

I think not, but the parents have to take on different roles because of choices and circumstances.

Now are some parents better than others, I think so. Are some parents pretty rubbish at times, yeah I'll put my hand up, I can let emotions stress and other factors get in the way, I can simply have bad judgement at times. On the other hand I want just as much of a chance to be a really great parent as everyone else!

However if you were to ask me if I see my DSS's biological farther as an equal parent, to either myself or my Ex I'd say not. I think there has to be an effort made to define and contribute to the child as a parent. In some peoples cases they choose not to take the responsibility.

God I will shut up soon, this kids of touched a nerve. Sorry it's a bit of a thread hijack urrrrgh...

At the moment in term times I have the DCs each week from Friday after school till monday morning or from Saturday midday till monday morning. I've also been having them from Tuesday after school till 8pm at night when I return them to their mother since January.

After many soclictor letter asking why I couldn't have them over night on Tuesdays she's simply stopped communicating with me or the solicitor. The response is simply bring the DCs back at 8pm or you can't have them on Tuesdays. So the solicitor simply informed me to have them over night as ExP not giving any good reason for having them over night.

So the Ex starts pulling the kids out of school early, on Tuesdays to stop access. I feel such a toss pot for taking this to court, but I why should one parent simply say this is the access you can have to your children, and simply not allow a dialog to understand why. OK, so she says I wouldn't get the kids to bed early enough and it would mean their tired. Oh and phoning the children isn't an option because I'd make them lie to their mother.

Sorry the court application papers have come through today for me to sign and I'm having a real this is so stupid, this is so stupid, this is so stupid moment. ARRRRRGHHHHH

*kind

Yes I do see us as equal parents.

I am the resident parent so it naturally follows that I have more input but I dont think that lessens how much of a parent he is. Same as when we were together and I was sahm while he worked - I had more day-to-day input and responsibility but that didn't lessen his importance.

However if he was unintersted in ds's life and was absent emotionally as well as physically then yes, I'd class him as a lesser parent.

Eeek - wan, I'm imagining you with a pulsating forehead a la Stressed Eric!

Hope it gets sorted before it gets as far as court.

How old are the kids?

Lol, sorry hun, you been ranting away to yourself here lol. I take my hat off to you wanting to be all you can in your DC's lives and I cannot understand this mentality with some people when the relationship breaks down that they are the PWC and that means they have more rights of parentage than the NRP. I know my ex did nothing to pursue contact with is children from previous marriage which was his choice but no matter what went on between us I was determined that he would have a proper relationship with our DC's and have offered overnight access when he wants, xmas and holidays, telephone contact, whatever makes the kids happy but regardless whatever crap went on between we are still their mummy and daddy and unless the kids are at risk mentally or physically from one of us we each have no right to dictate to each other.

The DCs are 10 and 11, DSS is all grown up (well he thinks so) 17, and yeah I know having them every weekend and going to court to have them on school nights as well. Arrrgh I feel such a doosh bag, but the Ex has never expressed wanting to spend more time with the DCs. I just get the picture that either she's worried about how it will affect benifits or it's just a way of implying I'm not a good parent. Either way I simply hope this prompts communciation rather than going to court. Still doesn't make me fell any less of a doosh bag!!!!!! ARRRRGH

You want to spend as much time with your children as you can (presumably while still being fair to their mum) - nothing douche bagesque about that.

My DS dad isn't my XP as such (we were old drinking buddies rather than a couple when DS was conceived) but I suppose thinking about it that we are about 70/30 - DS lives with me and his dad comes over here to see him and often stays over ie when I want a night out. I make all the decisions about schools etc (though DS Dad is the one who is a parent governor at the school, he 's much better at that sort of thing than me).

My ex has the DC for 3 hours on a weekend. and has done for the last 5 years. So no idea what percentage that gives us! He now suddenly seems to be jumping up and down for more access, which actually im all in favour of, except that he wants all weekend every weekend, and so its all gone to pot and hes taking me to court for sat 10am until sun 6pm every week! I class myself as the parent and him as a dooshbag. :) I live in hope this will change though! Id love to be able to share the parenting. Its hard work, and to share the responsibility would be fab. However he just winds me up! an example is Games Workshop. My kids are really into this, as is my brother(im more of a role play person myself) but the ex used to be about 10 years ago, so he has stated that i cant buy them anything from there because its HIS thing even though he cant do any gluing or painting with them because he hardly ever sees them!!!! Thats why im the parent and hes the doosh !!!! Grr im ranting now, so ill stop!!

The upshot being, im not sure that its the time you spend with your kids that makes you a parent, its more your attitude and what you do with them IYSWIM

I would like us to be equal parents but ex doesnt see that he is. He has them 1 day a week, speaks to them on the phone most days and will turn up for school events if I let him know when they are.

But DS fell on his elbow a couple of weeks ago and I thought he needed to go to A&E. I rang ex, asked if he could either take him or have other DC's. His response is that 'it's not worth' him having the time off and can I ask my mum or sister,then ring to let him know how we got on.

Ditto the follow up appointment (doctor at hospital couldnt see a fracture but wanted to review after 5 days as it's hard to spot a fracture in young children). I say can you swap with someone as youve got 5 days notice. Ex says not as he has plans for the weekend.

So,I guess I am the responsible parent he is the one who does a days care if it suits him.

Wan, IMO she is aware that she could lose tax credits and child benefit if you have your DC 4 nights a week. If she was worried about the time they went to bed why would she not have objected to you having them Sunday night too?

no definitely not, i make all the decisions, deal with everything important in DS's life.

my ex (his dad) lives over 100 miles away and only sees him twice a month to fill him with sweets and mcdonalds

my DP is more of a dad to DS than my ex.