Do you class your Ex as an Equal Parent?

[smokinaces]

I have a thread in AIBU about ex's new girlfriend, and a lot of replies are about him being the DS's equal parent.

See, I (and he) dont view it like that. And I wondered if we are alone.

Ex-H is happy to be a weekend dad. He leaves all hospital appointments, school choices, uniform shopping, most disciplining, diet choices etc to me. I asked when he left if he wanted to be involved in which school the DC went to, or nursery etc and he said no - that choice was for me to make in their interests.

If the children are going through a challenging stage, he agrees with the things I put in place, and if the children are ill or do something out of the ordinary when they are with him he rings to ask for advice.

I would say the parenting is shared 75/25, and is not equal- and he would agree with this. He has them 1 night and 1 day a week, but normally to suit mine and the childrens plans. He rings them every day to ask about their day (they are 4 & 2) and I do try and include him in DS2's special needs for instance, but the parenting responsibility falls majoritively to me. (an example would be that I would take the children to the GP/Minor injuries if they needed and only ring when it were serious, where as he would ring me to ask what should happen and can I take them if thats a good example?)

He was never a hands on dad when he was at home (had not even had both DSs at the same time alone until he left when they were 3 and 1!) so we're both happy with this - but are we unusual not classing ourselves as equal parents?

If it's going to court isn't there even the slightest twinge of I'm a bit of a doosh-bag as we've failed to sort this out between us for the benifit of the DCs?

For myself things (and being a parent in general) is never as clear as I'm right and your wrong. But I still get very upset with some of the things that happen, urrrgh.

I hope you can find a way without getting to court or contact orders, I really am worried about the what and why am I doing of it all.

I do see my ex as an equal parent but I have been lucky in that he has them every other weekend and some of the holidays and pays a reasonable amount of maintenance without a fuss. DH and I make most dY to day decisions about them but ex always is offered a chance for input on any big issues.

OTOH we have joint residency of DSD, one week with us then a week with her Mum, yet she is incredibly controlling and tried to move her school last year without consulting DH (away from the school we all agreed on that the DDs go to as well).

I'm a SAHM and my H works 12 hour shifts, so I end up doing more caring and parenting of the children but he's definitely an equal parent to me. I don't think me looking after the children and making more decisions makes him less of a parent and me more.

Its different if the other parent is happy with not being that "equal parent" and quite happy to be an every other weekend Dad or Mum who "babysits" them for a few hours ... but my H for example, would love to be an equal parent with my DSDs Mum, but she won't allow it. She doesn't seem him as an equal despite him wanting to be and never includes him in any aspects of his child's life, also restricting the time he sees her quite a bit.

My xh originally was there one day at the weekend. He never did parties or swimming lessons , we swapped days around those things.

9 years( next week) later he has them for tea 1/2 a week and alternate weekends. We have discussions over health/school/ behaviour although i make the ultimate decision. Both our partners are involved in discussions too. I do majority of appts but I work p/t to his full time so I have more chance. He attends when possible/significant. So while we aren't equal I think we are as close as we can be without a 50/50 split custody wise.

Hi WAN

Its already in court, not my choice, so whilst i feel like ive let the kids down by not being able to resolve it, its not in my hands i suppose, well it is, but i feel that asking me to give up every weekend, except giving me a few hours is unfair and iwont do it, and suppose in that way maybe i am being a doosh, but im still not willing to do it :)

I think the dilema is you have to ask yourself is going to court the best thing for the kids. Dont really know your story so cant comment, but again your idea of best for the kids and your exs can be hugely different so i dont know how these things are solved!

We 4 years into our breakup, and it seems to be getting worse not better :(

If only we had a machine to look into the future we could make all the right decisions, cut out alot of stress and neurosis, magnammit I'll be praying to the all-powerful Atheismo to grant you such a thing!

Hehe. Indeed, although that would take all the fun out it wouldnt it?

Id rather be able to fly ...

My ex has our DD one day at the weekend, she doesn't stay overnight. An unusual occasion recently though, he took her away camping a few weekends ago, he is a good time Daddy, he likes all the fun times and not a lot else.

He has no say at all in the day to day decisions surrounding my DD, he only likes the good time Daddy bits although he is always first to criticise how I bring her up.

He pays maintenance monthly and on time.

He texts me probably every other day to see if she is ok.

I am very happy with this arrangement, he has no morals, is a liar, has literally numerous women world wide, has no idea of how to behave, has a terrible temper and is the sort of person you live without quite happily.

Why oh why you ask???.....he told me I was "the one", we are all his "one"!!!

I'd say our split was 99.9 / 0.01 too.