FWB in London: Is anyone actually having success on the apps?

[jflavus]

Hi all,
I am new here and throwing this post here in case anyone’s had better luck than me..
I’m a 30 year old guy, living in Central London, reasonably decent looking and not looking for anything serious right now, more of a casual (FWB-style).
I’ve tried apps like Feeld, Tinder, and OkCupid over the past year or so, but honestly haven’t had much success. Barely even manage to get a conversation going, let alone meet-ups.
I look after myself, but have had tendon issues and knee issues so from being very fit now I am an average in terms of body. However, I look after myself, all my teeth are intact, I am very clean and not a drinker and not a smoker. I am wondering if I am unlucky for not getting any matches, when I do, replies vary between 1-2 weeks and after the initial message exchanges I get unmatched for no reason. I have got high sex drive and obviously would love to meet someone who would be happy to be a friend, do these things together but feel like no luck..

Curious if anyone’s actually had success finding something casual in London these days and if so, which apps worked for you? Or do you have any tips for me ?

You need to initiate a meet up quite soon after matching. Wait too long and it just fizzles out. Even if you just want casual, be respectful and don't jump straight into talking about sex, as that's off-putting. Also be realistic about the type of woman you are likely to attract- liking the profiles of insanely hot women isn't likely to work out (no offense).

In general though.. the apps are awful and it's tough to get matches, and then turn those marches into dates. You have to know how to chat, be funny and charming, without coming across as needy, desperate or creepy, in order to actually make them work.

You’re 30.

I’ve had good experiences on apps but at 30, anything less than ticking long term relationship was an immediate no. Fine in my 20s but not now.

You’re too old and probably not attractive enough for a FWB situation

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I understand that, when I try to do it, I get unmatched. I also try to do my best to come up with a good first message, interesting enough to get a response but hey ho.
You're right about not going above my league and I don't do it. I've got all those sorted but not really getting any attention. And I swear, I'm actually quite good looking and taking care of myself but what's there to be done right ?

Thanks for your reply. I've had 3 serious relationships and with one of them we got very close to getting married. I genuinely think that I'm not bad looking and never once told that or heard that from anyone.
I respect your opinion though, if that's what you think it is without seeing me, so be it. :)
Plus not many people have options in their 20s cause you share where you live, you're already dating someone else and being loyal is good.

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I understand that, when I try to do it, I get unmatched. I also try to do my best to come up with a good first message, interesting enough to get a response but hey ho.
You're right about not going above my league and I don't do it. I've got all those sorted but not really getting any attention. And I swear, I'm actually quite good looking and taking care of myself but what's there to be done right ?

Ouch. That was a bit brutal.

I’d always understood that it’s harder to get responses for casual sex for men. FWB might be the hardest one of the lot - when I was sex dating I didn’t want to set up an FWB because of the risk of catching feelings and because tbh it seemed like the ultimate ‘can’t be arsed’ or avoidant strategy - for sex I wanted complete liberty and to learn new stuff, not to be in some pseudo-relationship. I’d work on expanding the F side with Meet-up or just doing hobbies maybe.

The 40-50 age group is what you need to look at. Women your age will be wanting to settle down and start a family

I’ll put my hard hat on here as what I'm
about to say is controversial, but might you have more luck with older rather than younger women? Lots of people around 30 have one eye on settling down. Women (and men) who may be recently divorced, have high flying careers, have primary care of their children etc may be looking for a more casual FWB relationship due to the competing pressures on their time.

Dublin is correct

widen your age range ipwards

I always used to find it so cringey when men your age would talk about having all their own teeth on their profiles. Even if it is said lightheartedly your only 30! Of course you have your own teeth. If you have anything like that on your profile take it off. Your wanting FWB but also talking about having your own teeth and being clean- as if that's attractive to the opposite sex that your selling yourself with the very basics.

Why not just have a girlfriend? All abit weird.

Trying to think what the best messages I received when I was sex dating were like. They were good with words, flirtatious, interested in what I liked (as the pp said, not too much about basic things about yourself I’d expect of any adult, like you wash regularly).

I'm going to be brutally honest with you. You are not bringing anything to the table. Do you realise most men absolutely love the idea of casual sex with random women, but most women don't? That means the women that do want casual sex have the choice of a LOT of men. Even women in their forties can find 20-30 year old attractive muscular men for casual sex. You are basically competing with Olympians in this category. Ask yourself what you are offering these women if it isn't a relationship or money. You don't want a friend with benefits. You want benefits. That is why prostitutes still have a job.

Out of interest, what age range have you put? What have you written about yourself/ what you want?

What women look for in a fwb is a guy who's respectful, a generous lover, good company. It goes without saying personal hygiene is also essential.

Attractive single women in their 30s who aren't looking to settle down probably have plenty of irl offers and ex-bf to pick from if they're looking for a fwb. Those who are looking online will have lots to chose from so anyone who is a bit underwhelming to chat with will probably get dropped quite quickly in favour of a better prospect.

I agree, you probably need to widen the agree range, be a lot less picky and have some really good chat/ social skills and work a lot harder to impress, to have much chance!

You are not making it attractive enough for women. Be more generous with what you are offering. If I were you, I’d be less sexual upfront, more gentlemanly. I’ve got a feeling that you are not offering anything, apart from your body and place. You need to offer a better experience if you want a successful FWB set up.

I agree. OP, what you’re offering is rock-bottom bare-minimum stuff. I’m nearly 50 and I’d be looking for more than this from a casual only-for-sex hook-up.

Agree with pp, when I was late 20s - mid 30s I wanted a proper relationship with someone interesting and authentic, not a seedy hook-up with someone who thinks he's a catch but has no apparent depth. Why do you think women would want to shag you when you're not offering them anything of worth?

So basically you want no strings sex, cunningly disguised as FWB?

Ok. Let me tell you something about women. Women in their 20s and early 30s are looking for relationships. They’re not going to waste their time on someone who wants to use them for a free shag.

Try older, divorced women in their 40s and 50s who aren’t interested in relationships but want an regular no strings shag.

I would just think that you wanted a prostitute but were too tight to pay for it.

The market is saturated with men wanting no strings sex, both online and irl.

Well, some posts are a bit mean. You’re upfront about what you’re looking for and can offer, and I do think that there are enough women your age who want the same. I think the problem is that many women find their FWB among their usual friend circle. That’s far less risky than meeting a stranger on the internet for sex. I also think that most don’t particularly enjoy the whole OLD world but it’s a means to an end when trying to find someone to settle down with, but not really worth it for FWB because that’s easy enough to find in the real world.

I'm going to go against the grain and say if you are looking for FWB just be honest upfront. Don't style it as I'm Mr Nice Guy when you aren't looking for anything serious.

And go for older women in their early 40s who may be having a resurgence of libido in early perimenopause, just out of long term relationship etc. You will get tonnes of abuse but you will at least be getting to the point much quicker. Have a friendly fun profile that speaks to being someone who puts the other persons enjoyment and pleasure first 😉. Even go tongue in cheek with it. And be prepared to fund dates, or be willing to travel to meet them. You will get haters but much harder to hate someone who was honest at the start.

There's tonnes of older people coming out of relationships having a mid life crisis who have had Tinder etc suggested or in their mind as somewhere they can have fun.

As PPs above say, women in their 20s and 30s are looking for relationships. It's extremely easy to 'read' a profile and spot what guys really want- everything from the type of photos, the language used, the way they interact with you , so you can't get away with pretending to be something you aren't.

I don’t mean you’re bad looking, but men who are only after sex are 10 a penny. Given the odds and the risk involved, women who also just want sex are going to choose the most attractive men they can get. There is a higher attractiveness threshold for FWB.

Women are unmatching because there are other men who either want a relationship or are more attractive.

As others have said maybe you should look for older women

It does apply to older women too. OP still has to offer more than bare minimum to entice them. They are not an easy access market for random horny men.

Agreed for sure. Don’t want to insinuate otherwise.

30 year old alright looking man shocked to find women aren’t falling over themselves to drop their knickers for him!