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Living overseas

Whether you're considering emigrating or an expat abroad, you'll find likeminds on this forum.

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Original poster

When (if?) it gets easier ...

41 replies

Itsjustafleshwound · 11/12/2009 19:08

Does saying goodbye/living apart from your family ever get easier? Does this time of year just make it much harder?

My children and I have just had the awfulness of having to say goodbye to my mum with no idea whn I will see her next...

Please tell me it gets easier - I have done this now for many years and it just gets harder ...

OP posts:

darcymum · 11/12/2009 19:10

If you still find it so hard can you just move back?

kreecherlivesupstairs · 11/12/2009 20:12

How far away are you, what's the flight time,time difference beteeen UK and your current place of occupance? So many questions, so much beer imbibed. I'll have more constructive stuff tomortow- but you have to advise on base line stuff first.

Buddleja · 11/12/2009 20:15

I've been living overseas for 10 years now - it's still hard at times, I certainly miss England still, but it's now and again.

Have you friends where ever you are? SOmetimes it's hard to create that circle of friends when you move to a place as an adult. Try creating a regular coffee morning or the such like in your house might help.

MisSalToeKisses · 11/12/2009 20:30

I found it easier once I made new friends. I hated most of the first 3 months with a passion, but started settling in after 6 months or so. This time of the year always rubbish to be away from family though (we are too).

mumoverseas · 14/12/2009 08:24

I've been abroad for 4 years next week. It was very hard at first as DC1 and 2 (at that point my only DC) were still at school in the UK for the first six months. It was great when they then moved out and then DD moved back to the UK summer last year and DS moved back this summer to do his A levels.
Since being out here I had two more DC who were born here and that was hard being away from my mum (dad died before I moved out) I flew home as much as possible and mum saw DD (now 3) when she was 2 months old. She was due to meet DS (now 10 months) in June but sadly died 2 weeks before we moved back.
I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for not going back sooner. Before mum died we'd already booked to go home in a few weeks for New Year and now I don't really have anything to go back for (except of course DC1 and 2).

I really enjoyed the second and third years I was here but at the moment I change my mind daily about whether I want to return permanently to the UK. I'm finding I'm missing DC1 and 2 more than I thought and am in two minds whether to return before DD2 would start school in Septmeber next year. Its not easy is it?

Bucharest · 14/12/2009 08:43

I've been abroad now for 15 years and for me, it gets harder. The first 4 or 5 years it was all a bit of an adventure.

It got worse when dd was born, because that's when the feeling of being trapped started. Now, she is very much becoming more Italian than English (which is right and proper) but it does panic me, because I know I can't stay here forever, and yet, maybe she will.

Sorry for miserable post.

I do temper it by insisting on going back to the UK every year from end of June till September, I'm lucky in that I work in the UK those months, so dd spends time with her British family and I get to connect with sanity for a while!

Also going back for Christmas as we do every year.

Mumoverseas- sorry for your loss.x

vulpes · 14/12/2009 09:13

i am on my 7th country and today it really does feel as though it just keeps getting harder!

would love to live in one place.

but where?

EndangeredSpecies · 14/12/2009 09:16

will have to bookmark this thread for later, have to go out unfortunately.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 14/12/2009 10:56

We're on our fourth soon to be fifth country. It is not so bad for me as my parents are very fit and healthy and visit often. OTOH, my dh's mum died about four years ago and his dad is pretty frail. I think it is worse for him. DD is oblivious to it all. LIfe is a huge adventure for her.

EndangeredSpecies · 14/12/2009 11:25

It doesn't get easier until you feel able to accept the place you are living in as your real home. Take a cold hard look at the reasons why you moved there, and the reasons why you left the UK. If they are valid, then you can build on them and feel secure in the new country.

Leaving your family behind can be very very hard because you lose touch with all the little day to day things that go to make up a relationship. But if there is the desire on both sides to continue the relationship - happily it sounds like there is in your case - then it will continue despite the distance.

In answer to your question OP, yes I believe this time of year does make it harder. But it's also a great time for re-evaluating your priorities and deciding what you want for the future.

I've been abroad for 10 years now, and until quite recently made the mistake of looking over my shoulder, always comparing and wondering what if, what if. I've now decided to apply for citizenship of the country I'm living in - for me it's an important step towards forging a new identity.

mumoverseas · 14/12/2009 11:27

bucharest thanks for your message. I also insist on escaping for the summer and am always back in the UK from end of June to September. Perhaps we should have an 'overseas MNers visiting UK reunion in the summer'

vulpes 7 countries

I suppose its not so bad when friends and family can visit but unfortunately where we are its not possible. I'm very jealous of a friend who moved to Dubai when I moved to Saudi as she often has friends and family visiting her

vulpes · 14/12/2009 11:30

mine and DHs parents are both fit and healthy, its more about the expense of having everyone fly out every year to wherever we are (niether set can afford to pay for tickets etc). and as both sets like in different countries, its not a case of us being able to see them all at once. and DH only gets 3 weeks leave a year so thats not alot of time to do 4 countires and 11 flights in order to see parents (nevermind siblings!)

sorry, bit of a rant, just feeling sorry for myself i think.

reading threads with everyone moaning about xmas day and family they do/dont want to see/go to food they do/dont want to eat and im feeling all left out!

vulpes · 14/12/2009 11:32

sorry, live in different countrys...

honestly can spell, just cant type!!

mumoverseas · 14/12/2009 11:33

vulpes I fully understand about the moaning threads.
I really lost it a few weeks ago with some daft cow complaining about her mum (who was being really helpful things for her) and I pointed out how lucky she was to still have her mum and she should value her more
I'd give anything to have mum around the dining room table this year as we did have last year.
At this point, not even sure we will be home thanks to BA and their threats of strikes.
Where are you at the moment?

vulpes · 14/12/2009 11:35

syria.

and you?

mumoverseas · 14/12/2009 11:50

Saudi. That makes us almost neighbours

vulpes · 14/12/2009 11:53

lol, so it does!

both places have their challenges thats for sure.

dubai is much easier........i always have a good chuckle when i read about how people moan about the 'inconveniences' of living in dubai!

if only they knew....

mumoverseas · 14/12/2009 12:37

I know. One of my best friends lives in Dubai and often moans about things. One time it was not being allowed popcorn at the cinema during ramadan. I'm thinking, well at least you've got a cinema, our nearest one is Bahrain. And she can drive, eat bacon, drink wine, not wear a black sack

How are things in Syria?

vulpes · 14/12/2009 14:03

lol! so true. syria is lovely actually, but very lonely. there is a very very small expat community and pretty much no one else speaks english. so it can be very isolating.

on the up side, the people are very friendly and i have a driver who speaks english, so he translates for me which means im not totally cut off.

but you know how it is, you just sometimes feel very tired of always being a foreigner.

where in saudi are you?

mumoverseas · 14/12/2009 14:45

Hi,
I'm in Riyadh and luckily on a very large expat compound. Sorry you are a bit isolated there.
Do you not speak any arabic? I've learnt a bit over the years I've been here.
We should have a Middle East MN meet up

Starmummy · 15/12/2009 03:09

I'm in Dubai and dont complain, IMHO it is Expat Lite and I consider myself very lucky, although I could go on to say about the rain and cold over the last few days. Just kidding!!! thats an adventure in itself,

Back to the op though, yes it is difficult and I'm not sure it gets easier but I do think you need to set coping strategies in place. We knew as a family of 3 with all our traditions we created over the years for Christmas we needed to make living here something different.

Someone once said to me take very number and every invite you get in the first six months, go to every meeting you can find and do your culling after then. It was hard but looking back, a worthwhile exercise.

We find communicating with home hard as neither grandparents use a computer so no skype of video calling for us. But people recomend it. Also I think it helps to have your trip home booked, something to look forward to. Earlier is cheaper and you get the flexibilty to change if you need to that you dont get with the later cheaper tickets.

I think people who cna make it back all summer are very lucky I dont have that option or enough holidays to go back every Christmas. also now Ds is older he flies and he gets to stay with his family and friends all summer. That makes it a little easier to bear, as he takes his laptop and has a wireless dongle so we can speak and video parents/grandparents.

Good luck, be brave and I'm sure it will get a little easier in time.

Starmummy · 15/12/2009 03:11

Ooops forgot to say ladies you can have have a Middle East meet up at my place in Dubai, we can eat bacon and pork and drink whatever you like .

mumoverseas · 15/12/2009 03:56

Where in Dubai are you Starmummy? You could have said this last week when I was over there for a few days

shelinka · 15/12/2009 06:21

I've lived abroad for 13 years. I found it got easier over time, then harder after I had the kids.

I haven't been home at Christmas for 6 years now, and I live in a country where most of the population don't celebrate Christmas. I also read the threads about Christmas day family issues and think "if only!"

My parents are coming to visit in spring when my dd2 is due, so I'm focusing on that and trying not to get upset at the prospect of another family-free Christmas.

vulpes · 15/12/2009 07:04

actually, syria they dont mind about alcohol and bacon (although i have yet to find anywhere i can actually buy pork) so its definately more moderate than saudi. but then, EVERYWHERE is more moderate than saudi!

and christmas is a celebrated holiday here (pretty big christian population)so i think mumoverseas, you definately have the harder time of it (now feeling bad for all my own complaining!)

i agree shelinka, i also find things much harder after having kids. although, it is much easier to meet ppl if you have children (if you arent working). am just fed up cos the few ppl i DO know here are all off home for xmas and i suppose, not to put too fine a point on it, i am just dead jealous. lol, and not very gracious about it!

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