Homesick for Britain

[Maninadirndl]

Hello there,

I live in Bavaria, I am a SAHD with two lovely kids who are bilingual. I have a big place and garden and I shouldn't complain. However I am very isolated here. It's hard to connect with locals here on my wavelength. I don't think it's a language issue as I am fluent in German now. My parents have been out here recently and made me miss them and UK more.

Please tell me I am seeing Britain with rose tinted glasses and that life in UK is better in some ways than in Germany. I always tell my wife that we in Britain are generally more polite and less direct for example. My problem is I am stuck here as I haven't worked for four years since becoming a SAHD so at 42 my career prospects are virtually over. Maybe that's not the case in UK but I feel it to be true here in conservative Bavaria where the mother stays home for the kids and the man works.

There's one thing I do appreciate about Germany which I know isn't so in Britain. The absence of idiots on the streets. I can leave my car unlocked whilst doing shop/KG runs and not worry, even leave the front door unlocked overnight in absent mindedness. There doesn't seem to be the underclass here in Germany that we have/had in Britain.

Please convince me that if I came home I'd want to fly back here.

I'm sorry you feel this way, but I can understand completely. I am also in Germany and want to go home to the UK. I have a friend here who is also a British SAHD and he finds it very difficult, although he does like being here. I think he is very lonely as most Dads work and the concept of a SAHD is alien to people here.

Do you read the British press or watch the UK news? Watching that for a while might convince you to stay put.

Thanks FernieB. One of the best things I ever did out here 8 years ago was to get a sat dish and Freesat. My day starts after the KG run with the last hour of BBC Breakfast and a pot of PG Tips. I check up on GuardianOnline whats going on.

I am a Gardeners World fan and down here have a sort of allotment on which I am busy growing stuff. I find gardening here somehow makes me feel in with a British tradition as the germans although they are getting into it aren't as steep in gardening as we have been as we've (us Brits I mean) been homeowners longer in UK than Germany .- they rent much more.

I watch Jamie Oliver At Home and River Cottage and try to do some of the things down here but that can be a challenge as some of the British ingredients are hard to find.

The loneliness here is difficult. Does your SAHD friend have an email? I can post up my gardening blog page for him to drop a message.

Hi there

I´m not a SAHD but a SAHM here in Spain. I´ve been here almost 3 years now and the homesickness has never lifted - I would go back home tomorrow without a second thought if I could.

Yes I may be seeing the UK through rose-tinted glasses and like Germany there aren´t idiots on the streets here and it undoubtedly much safer but I just can´t shake the feeling of unhappiness, of being isolated and the fact that this just isn´t my home.

I download English programmes from the Internet as we can´t get satellite where we are but to be honest watching familiar programmes just makes me feel worse

Its hard and I really feel for you

We recently moved back to Britain from Berlin - I still get homesick for Germany and so do the dcs. It is a rose tinted glasses thing I'm sure - I miss the order and efficiency of Germany. Being able to sit down on the train even in the rush hour, the child-friendlyness of it (little play areas in various supermarkets and shops), swimming in the lakes now it's summer and all the lovely cycle paths and woods even in the middle of the city. I miss the climate - proper spring, summer autumn and winter and oh the Christmases - just don't think I'll ever top the four we had in Berlin. We had the friendliest neighbours imaginable in Berlin - my memory of Germans is that they were unfailingly polite, friendly and unthreatening crystallised for me during the World Cup when thousands of German football fans came thronging out of the station to watch the match on huge screens in the middle of the city and the atmosphere was just fantastic I couldn't help thinking I would have felt so much more uneasy in London.
You've got PG Tips, the Guardian, Gardeners World (I would have to add Radio 4 to that list) - you've actually have what's best of British with you. We lived in a bit of an British bubble in our home in Berlin and before that in Paris - in many ways that's the best way to experience Britain - supplemented with a trip back once a year. I was never more fiercely patriotic than when I lived abroad - the reality of living here makes me much less so!

Babespain I am sure you can get civilised English telly. My bruv gets it and he lives in the Canaries. We get it but we just need a bigger 90cm dish than in UK.

I feel for you living in Spain. Great for holidays and all that sun but having lived 5 years in Saudi in a "manana" culture it seems very laid back at first but when that air conditioning gores on the blink in 100F and the maintenance people promise to come but never turn up is when a more efficient system shows its benefits. Our electric in one of our bathrooms went and the man promised at come 10am. He turned up at 10.00 and was gone by 10.05.

Lillian: tomorrow I will cycle to the Bäkerei for our weekend rolls or "semmel". It s a small bakery and the girls are always pretty and friendly. (I'm usually throwing off a hangover also so need fresh air) The bread here is amazing and the Brits are only starting to get back to artisan bakeries - check out Duncan Glendenning's Really Thoughtful Bakery in Bath which uses a clay oven to bake bread. General German cuisine may be obssessed with pork but the bakery products from Germany Austria and Switzerland are second to none.

Christmas here you are right is something special - the Christmas markets here are beautiful. Lots of candlelight everywhere and a real atmosphere. I think Berlin is more open than Bayern - the locals here aren't noted for their openness, however I notice this year down my allotment the people friendlier than last year. Radio 4 I sometimes listen to in winter and is good.

I idealise a British pub but they only exist in places like the Lake District and Peaks. My local pub can get rough at times in Wales, If I ever get the blues I just watch an hour of Jeremy Kyle and it remids me what I left behind!

But winters here seem to go on for ever. Maybe when my son can ski this wintzer it will be better. You are tied down when they are really small.

Thank your for those posts. Makes me feel better in a way. Off now to watch toby and GW!

I´m thinking Germany may be the place to be after reading those posts and I´m now craving some decent bread

Can´t get Brish tele here as being bang in the centre (40kms out of Madrid) means we would need a humungous satellite dish, so not an option.

The mañana attitude drives me mad, as does the total lack of customer service and unwillingness to take responsibilty (it´s not my fault we sold you a mobile phone without a pin)...oh I could go on but I won´t as don´t want to come across as totally anti-Spain as there are some good points

You are right about German winters - the dark days used to get me down especially in January and February. The German's do have some great winter festivals though - St Martin is my all time favourite (tried to find a lantern parade in London, but failed) and Carnival brightens up February.
Oh no, this thread has set me off on a German nostalgia fest!
How long have you been away from Britain? We'd been away for ten years and are now back for four before the next posting. The reality of coming back is that Britain has changed, but also we have changed. I spent four years hankering for British supermarkets - the ones in Berlin were a bit limited, but I practically had a panic attack in Tesco when we came home because I just could not choose between 30 different types of tomato, 25 different types of rice etc! I had to take myself off to Lidl for some familiar German brands and products.
Jeremy Kyle is an excellent antidote to your homesickness and sums up everything I dislike about living here.
Enjoy your allotment and remember your boy is so lucky to have his dad looking after him - I bet he's the envy of his mates.

hello

My OH is the SAHD (or at least he will be!) We're both British but are living in The Netherlands. He's found it really hard although he's never been one to be down the pub in the UK with 20 mates anyway. One thing that has improved his outlook is getting in to some sort of routine, like yours, bit of news in the morning, walk the dogs. Bit of housework etc. But I'm sure he'd much rather do something "real" with his time.

haha re: Jeremy Kyle

I've been here 10 years and sometimes I miss the UK, or rather the idea of a 24 hour tesco. But on the whole? Not so much.

My dad was a SAHD when I was 4 and my sister was 1. Needs must and all - I remember my sister and I MUCH preferred having dad at home and he was lucky enough to have this opportunity which not so many men have.

hope I can still type as the usual post gardeners world beer starts to take effect. I dont drink in the week but weekend I like to talk a lot of crap and be a bit silly in this serious land.

bebespain: when you are abroad you tend to have a lot more time than in UK in my experience. In Saudi we used to call it a "home brew" lifestyle. Not just the obvious stuff - you have no idea of the methods we used to make ourselves ill in liquid form but the whole lifestyle was home made as there was bugger all else. All your entertainment videos, nights out took huge effort to sort out and I think the mentality has stayed with me to this day. The secret is to get oput there and mix but for me with kids I found it a nightmare. However the language has been an obstacle till now. It has taken me eight fecking years to click with the language. Horrible to learn. I recently started chatting with someone and I forgot that my conversation had been in german afterwards as it was easier for them.

In your case you have to learn Spanish which I am told is easier than German. What we find quaint becomes a pain in the arse after a while. I remember my brother fed up with the "fests"in Lanzarote". always the same stuff,. drumming and girls in short skirts ldancing down a parade or whatever. Is it true that there ius an element of cruelty in Spanish culture re the bullfighting etc?

Lillian: (Can I call you Lilo Lill?) We were unlucky this year as I never thought the winter would end. itstopped suddenly then everything exploded into life here. Being next to the Alps It can be extreme. One weekend we were teaching my oldest daughter to ski the next we had the deckchairs oiut sunbathing, it was thsat extreme. My skin suuffers badly here and it always chapped. i was raised by y north Wales seasidfe resort so am used to humid environemtns.

Don't get me statred on Martinstag. I love the idea but I seem to have cocked it up the last 3 years. Rain bad weather and my utter incompetence in the culture have done their bit.

how long have I been out of UK? I left Yookay as we wistful expats call it in 1994 when John Major was in power, Den was in charge of the Vic and Martin and Gail on Corrie were an item! I went back in 1999 when I had a adisaster in Saudi and fell out with my Lebanese boss and he literally ransacked my office - don't ask - and worked in sunny Rhyl 6 months. A job in Mongolia led to meeting my german wife from Munich and...I ended up here. Yep I supoose its interesting to some ask away.

If you want to know what I most miss about UK its my parents. They've just been out here and whilst they got a bit on my nerves with their attitudes I love them like mad and worry about them everyssingle day. My Dad 84 got sick out here and vomited in a bucket in froint mf me and had diaarhoea so bad he didnt makje the toilet and my cat from Saudi who lives with them in fecking Brotughton was ruin over while they were out here. Lots pof bad luck etc and you will understand why I am a bit homersick for them basically.

Hi, all, I thought I'd share with you the other side of the coin:

I am a German WOHM in Britain. I have been living here for 16 years and overall like it. However, with increasing time passing and the advent of monsters DCs there are more and more aspect of growing up in Germany I now miss. Of course I took them entirely for granted as long as I was still living in Germany and did not know any different. Things like people greeting each other when passing in the street, less overt homophobia, less effing and blinding. Oh, yes, and the bread (although I have just learnt how to bake my own Bretzeln ).

The point I am trying to make, is that, yes, I think there is an element of grass and greener and other side going on. When I visit my parents in Germany I v quickly get tired of everybody moaning about their lot, a sense of disappointed entitlement and a certain narrowmindedness. I truly cannot imagine ever moving back and actually living in Germany.

So, all you British expats in D-land: enjoy the warmer summer, less rain, IMVHO better bakewares , easier access to the rest of continental Europe... and I will savour a decent cup of tea on all your behalves (is that even a work??!)

Maninadirndle, I cross posted with you.
Sorry to hear about your dad (and your cat). I really understand where you are coming from in terms of worrying about thim. Mine are a bit younger but my dad in particular is definetely getting old older. And when I do see them they do go on my nerves something terrible. But I do not think that that is unique to people living in different countries from their parents. You could be living in Britain and be hundreds of miles and several hours away from them, too.
And, wow, what an exciting CV...
Anyhoooo, I will now bow out of this thread. Just did not want to ignore your last post.

Pacific: my god that was a schnell post! Gruß aus Bayern! the lack of decent bread in britain must make a German homesick. Tomoroow I shall order auf (badly accented Deutsch) Kartoffelsemmel (potato flavour rolls) and rolls flavoured with loads of different things. all served by the gorgeous bakery girls.

problem is the germans inside Germany are miserable bastards. But when you travel out of here ANYWHERE in the world who do you usually meet? Germans? And arent they often the nicest travelling companions you can meet? YES! Gewt them back inside Germany and the are miserable shits again! True huh? I was watching a DVD last night about a guy from Munchen Micheal Martin who spena t 3 years on a motorbike across the wordds ddeserts Upon returning to Munich he was nicvked by the Polizei for bad tyres! Typisch Deutsch.

WEarmer summer? Notmuch so far buit the pool is blown up and ready. My grape vine is growing like a weed and I will harvest and ferment it for Christmas wine! csome benefits.

Jelly: then I think I must blame Jamie Oliver and those idyllic gardens inhis programmes. I know thge pubs in Llanfairfechan in wales to be full of dickheads spoiling for fights.

Bavaria is relöativelky drug free. Yopu don'tseem to get that drug culture which was so prevalent in UK here. Drink yes but that's more containable than dropping Es.

Pacific: thank you for the nice compliment. I don't get many I can tell you. Some praise goes a long way.

It may be that Berlin is different however to Bavaria in mentality - I don't know berlin at all. However what depresses me is the narrow mindedness here, and the negativity. I happen to know a lot of rich people who are some of the most miserable buggers you could ever meet, always moaning. Contrast that in Saudi when I met people with absolutely nothing who were full of optimism and friendliness. When you've eaten crab, chicken and rice with a kind Filipino who lives in a hut the size of a small garage (he was my Saudi University boat maintenence man) after mapping a fascinating bay in the Gulf then come to Germany and have to listen to moaning rich people this can jar as you'll understand.

SAHM-just-returning-to-work in Italy calling in.....

I too wax lyrical about the UK....and I love the 2-3 months of the year I am there....I think it's the choices there that get to me more than anything else...(and how fecking cheap it is compared to here) In the UK there really are no limits to anyone's potential.....here, you're poor, you don't get to stay on at school, let alone consider university.....I look at the so-called "underclass" in the UK, but then, here, in this southern Italian town, there are still entire families, living in a 1 room hovel at street level, with no electricity or running water.....

Then I read threads like the bonkers one on Saturday about the shock! horror! lone man in park must be a paedophile rubbish, and I think of taking dd to the park here, where almost everyone in there is a lone man and how lovely and protected that makes me feel as I know that should (unlikely tbh) some nasty hoody pull a knife on me, then the old geezers on the bench will come to my rescue....and I think that maybe I am, at least for the moment, in the right place to be bringing up my daughter.....

Then I think about the fact that my daughter is going to be a woman in the south of Italy (think pinnies and stepford hairdos) and I want to get the hell out of dodge city.....I think about the education system apparently being one of the (if not the) worst in Europe........then I think about the fantastic 3 yrs she's just had in preschool and how it's breaking my heart that she has to say goodbye to her beloved teacher there......

and so on and so on.....

waffle waffle.....

Bucharest the fear of pervs on every street corner is insane in Britain. That simply is absent here in Bavaria. I was in the marketplace a few months back and this dopey * was driving her van which had a stall on it out. Whilst turning she got it wrong and crashed into my bike trailer. She didnt even stop.

All stall people saw it and instantly out of nowhere came one the the old drunks who sitson a bench often there, up to us with a packet of sweets for my crying daughter. Now if that happened in UK the suspicion would be at high alert..

Another thing you have down here in southern Europe is better family structures and less serious crime.

I am sure people mocked the police incompetence down in Portugal when Madeleine McCann disappeared but I am sure they didn't have any need for such serious crime units in their police down there as there are not so many broken homes down there. I am not defending the way they acted - that "arguido" thing was a joke, they are poorer than us down there but I think they are more loyal to their old people than we are in the UK.

Some really good points have been made on this thread, not to mention some good humour. How I miss the English sense of humour, nothing else like it in my humble opinion.

Manina - you assume I don´t speak Spanish ... Believe me I wouldn´t have lasted this long if I didnt! FWIW I am pretty much fluent in the language but although very useful it doesn´t stop the isolation of being here with 2 small children when most Spanish mums go back to work meaning there´s very few around during the day and pretty much b**r all to do for Mums and babies.

Bucharest - you hit the nail on the head with your comment about there being choices in the UK. Its so true that you can be anything you want to be there. All my non-English friends who live in the UK have all gone on to do further study whatever their age and background. Something that´s just not available in Spain. Oh and don´t get me started on schools...I read that Spain`s level of school failure is even further down the list than Italy´s

Sorry Bebespin, I assumed you had the same difficulties I did with the language. Might be that German is an unbelievably hard thing to learn - so many genders you never ever feel like you master it. Perhaps its easier to get that "mastery" in Spain? I'd been resisteing it for ages as I was frightened of losing my British culture as I don't know many Brits out here, and I live deep in a German family. Apologies if I offended.

I think even if you spoke perfect Spanish the attitudes of the people might not fit to you. With me the ladies don't want to know and I feel lonely. Some are downright hard on me. When I say I've had a hard day they seem to give off an attitude like I am responsible for decades of sexism which isn't the case.

Those traditional cultures we see on those "Live in the Sun" TV programmes are fantastic to visit on holiday, but they mask a rather inflexible narrow minded attitude on the part of the locals which make a North Wales town (where I come from) like New York in comparison!

But what I miss most is British silliness and our humour. Michael Palin said once that we Brits don't export cars or anything of note but our sense of humour thanks to our complex language and its subtle word plays make it our biggest export to the world!

Manina - no offence at all and you´re right that Spanish is much easier to learn than German. In fact I would imagine most languages are! I have memories of studying it at school, the grammar is a nightmare, all that Accusative, Dativ etc malarky!!

Even with the language its hard to integrate. The Spanish rely on their families a lot and like I said before there aren´t many SAHMs (I haven´t met one in 3 years) so its hard to make friends. Still its one less battle I have.

Hear, hear to the British humour, Michael Palin was definitely right

Hope you are not suggesting the Germans have no sense of humour maninadirndle (are you a full-time cross-dresser or do you occasionally wear lederhosen?). What about the excellent Dinner For One shown every New Year's Eve - I actually recorded it the year we were leaving so I could, in the immortal words of Miss Sophie, continue the same procedure as every year.

I've been in Paris since 1992 (!) and before that had spent my teenage years abroad, and spoke fluent French before I came to Paris.

I am now here permanently, in that I have a French partner, a half French DD and two totally French DSSs. We are not going anywhere else in a hurry!

I have been through hell, over many years, reconciling myself with this place, and have only comparatively recently found some peace. I think you need a supportive partner, who is as committed as you are to a fully bilingual and bicultural family - which basically means raising your joint standards to the higher level of your two cultures! It took me a long, long time to reach this conclusion.

We have a family where everyone wants to speak both French and English like a native (and to study and work in both countries), to be French mathemetician, cook and dresser and an English humourist, psychologist and gardener. Of course that is only possible within our own family...