Husband taking job in Abu Dhabi while family stays in UK

[PinkFridge]

DH has been offered a job in Abu Dhabi. He has to take it, he’s 50 and lost his job a year ago and finding another job has been exhausting.

DCs are mid and late teens so we’re not in a position to go with him. So we’re looking at DH going it alone for a couple of years and then take it from there. We haven’t lived separately before, I have never been to UAE. Any advice on Abu Dhabi, especially in the current climate, the job market there (they are offering big money) and living apart? Thank you

This was the situation one of my friends found herself in a few years back. Her DH went out to Abu Dhabi flying home when he could, and she and their teenage DC spent the school holidays out there. They managed for about a year then decided to move the whole family to Abu Dhabi full time. I think they stayed out there as a family for almost three years, then finally decided to come home because the eldest was starting university. My friend enjoyed the experience but wouldn't have wanted to stay there permanently and is glad they returned.

DH worked abroad in the Middle East, flying back to see us every few weeks. DD and I stayed home for various reasons (didn’t want to give up my good job or disrupt DD’s schooling, not feeling safe as women in that particular country & the fact it was never going to be his ‘forever’ job). Yes, the money was brilliant but it put a huge strain on our relationship, ultimately resulting in divorce. I agree with a PP that the Middle Eastern living like a king/queen lifestyle changes people and DH was no exception. After a few years he had changed beyond recognition.

The problem with that is that many of us criticising the UAE are not 'sheltered ladies', @Jerrybalanitis, but people who used to live there and know exactly what it's like.

But you go on imagining that thinking that it isn't a cluster of feudal dictatorships with a national population bloated by chronic overconsumption where it suits the ruling family to have an apathetic, apolitical, transient expat population who will move on rather than agitate for a more democratic form of government is an indication of 'knowing nothing about the ME' if it's easier for you.

Thanks for everyone’s advice.

DH is taking the job, we have no choice but to. Being unemployed after over 100 interviews is strain on our marriage and finances. We’re not fortunate enough to have moral principles.

I wouldn’t bank on being able to freely travel between the U.K. and UAE for the time being.

Are you sure the pay is as good as you think? As I understand it living there is expensive and you pay for everything provided by taxes here.

I can't see a marriage surviving two years apart, unless you'll both be back and forth quite a bit.

AD is a bit dull and hot in the summer. But great bars and indoor stuff like swimming pools to keep entertained. Loads of bored expats to hang out with. DH can come home for summer when its warm in uk, then do easter in Oman or somewhere nice.

The jobs market is brutal out there op. Dh was made redundant over a year ago and it’s been bleak and depressing. He’s applied for over 100 jobs now and barely hears back from any. If he was offered a job overseas he’d take it, especially on that money. Any job is better than no job when you’re on the bones of your arse and struggling to survive. It’s only for a couple of years, hopefully in that time the jobs market will be more positive. I hope it works out for you.

You’ll make it work Op. All the best.

350k can buy a lot of principles

The only couple I know who did this are now divorced 😬 but he did make enough money to put the kids through uni.

How old exactly are the DC? Could the younger board for sixth form? 'Late teens' is university age, no?
Go with DH.

Unless the family also keep a house and have the UK as their "usual, year round" residence then the children at boarding school would then have to pay international fees for university. Being in the UK purely for the purposes of education doesnt count when it comes to tuition fees. Likewise, the children will need to be "normally resident in the UK" for at least 3 years in advance to qualify for local fees, so any international move would need to be over by the start of Y11/S5 at the absolute latest.

I am currently living overseas (and worked in UK universities in admissions roles for over a decade before moving here) and the amount of British families returning for Y10/S4 is very high. Some of the children will end up studying elsewhere (Europe, North America etc) but most British families dont want to pay international fees in the UK due to poor planning.

My dad did that when we were teens. Went to Dubai as he was made redundant. He had multiple affairs. My parents aren’t together anymore. All the men do it. It is standard. Do not let this happen. Either go with him or don’t let him go. Or acceptable will have affairs. There is peer pressure even if you are not the type. I am not exaggerating.

I’m in this unpopular opinion camp.

It was certainly pretty widespread when I lived there, even if families did accompany but went home in the summers -- cue endless jokes about a bit of summer lovin'. Ladies' Nights in the hotels were full of Russian and Chinese prostitutes, and when I used to have to drive over the border to Oman to come back into the UAE and renew my tourist visa (DH and I weren't married so he couldn't sponsor me), I would say the majority of the others doing the same were prostitutes in minibuses driven by whoever had brought them into the country.

If you need the cash you need the cash, the ethics of dubai

If i valued my marriage Id be going and taking the kids me though

@PinkFridge DH and I have lived apart for most of the last twenty years (I wanted dogs - his postings were not dog friendly ones - and refused to give up my career for his). We did one job overseas together and it just didn’t work - I love DH, but I missed my family and my life and even though I had a job I was bored rigid (and this was Rome so hardly a terrible place to live)’

Living apart has worked really well for us - gave us a good house, stable life for DC, good schools for them etc. All the things we couldn’t have done if DH hadn’t gone or I had gone with him.

Lots of diplomats and military wives do it. Works for lots of us. It’s easy for people to be
critical and judgmental, but job security comes at a price and not everyone is lucky enough to have a career that gives them everything. DC have friends who’s parents are bankers in the UK who they are less than DC ever saw DH - and at one point he was in Syria.

Yes we did it for two and a half years. I’ve since moved over and it’s definitely saved our marriage. We are in Saudi not the UAE
its not easy. I seemed to have slipped out of my close family life. I am lucky to be able to work over there. Lots of women who follow their husbands lose themselves.
Have a strong financial plan before the money goes to his head.