Husband taking job in Abu Dhabi while family stays in UK

[PinkFridge]

DH has been offered a job in Abu Dhabi. He has to take it, he’s 50 and lost his job a year ago and finding another job has been exhausting.

DCs are mid and late teens so we’re not in a position to go with him. So we’re looking at DH going it alone for a couple of years and then take it from there. We haven’t lived separately before, I have never been to UAE. Any advice on Abu Dhabi, especially in the current climate, the job market there (they are offering big money) and living apart? Thank you

I personally couldn’t live apart from my DH. We did it for 4 weeks whilst we moved abroad and he went ahead to settle us in and I stayed behind to close the academic year out and would not recommend it. The other thing I would say is once you are out of the UK and earning big money it’s really difficult to make the decision to walk away from it, especially if you have to go back to work. But that’s my experience. No real practical advice on Abu Dhabi sorry.

Can you and the kids visit during school holidays and half terms? Can he then spend his holiday allowance back home? In all honesty, the UK job market is in sharp decline. I think being employed is a better place from which to find a job, so in your shoes, I’d do what I can to support him.

Oooof....unpopular opinion(?)

very seriously I'd be concerned about divorce and looking hard at my own financial position should the worst happen

UAE lifestyle changes people and a lot pf them dont want to "give up" their gold plated vacuous life

I think a lot of people do live apart due to work ( forces, oil rigs, lorry drivers etc. If he has to take the job, it's good money and only for a couple of years which will then set you up long term, I'd see how it goes. Use school holidays/leave together and 2 years will be done in a flash.

It’ll be hard on you left behind with all of the responsibilities of running a house with teens. It’s do-able but I’d be looking for an end point or planning to join him there if things are going well.

all of the responsibilities of running a house with teens.

Millions of single parents do it every day.

Go for it OP. The economic benefits are worth it. And you have school holidays to go out there. It will be a great cultural experience for you all, especially your children.

The plan is to visit during holidays, yes. And hopefully he can take three weeks off in August and come home. We’ve lived overseas before both pre and with kids, so we are familiar with living in different cultures. TBH the Middle East has never appealed to me for a variety of reasons, DH had a brief stint out there but 25 years ago. It has changed vastly I am sure. We don’t have any family nearby and because of the frequent living overseas periods we only have a few friends to lean on. This bothers me the most, I’ll be on my own dealing with the kids the house and our side business.

Hey, premature from me but I could be writing this thread later on in the year. My 50 something DH lost his senior job, hasn't found another one and is now interviewing for an Abu Dhabi role. I thought he was joking initially but he seems excited.

We would also be living apart if he's successful, I don't want to move DC and I am running my own business here.

The idea of it all feels surreal. I'm very surprised he wants to. How long did the recruitment take?

How much money are you talking @PinkFridge? The UAE isn’t cheap and if he’s supporting your household too (which obviously he should be!) make sure that it is financially worth it!

We.did it for almosr 2 years while 2 of ours where teenagers..it almost finished our marriage.

He resented my being around the children. All the time and missing out.. i resented having to pick up on everything. They were awful with holiday he came home for christmas ans by boxing day they were hounding him to be back as they wanted to deal with stuff. He ended up going back before newyear and his birthday the kids were so disappointed.

We could not have survived without this job but I was happy when he was back in the UK.

£350k pa plus bonus. It’s a cut throat industry where bonuses are a percentage of money made which can be high, or low, if low then the job ends and he comes home.

They HH him on line and the whole thing has taken about 3 weeks which is extraordinarily fast in his industry. That makes me a little concerned that they seem somewhat desperate

Possibly, but that's likely a reflection of the geopolitical stability of the region vs the specific role. DH and I lived apart for a year when we moved back from Asia (I came back with the DC and he followed 18 mo later). It was slightly different in that he retained the familiarity and I was starting fresh with the DC in tow. It was also at the tail end of covid so major border and travel restrictions in Asia made meeting up more stressful than it would be now. We met up every holiday either in HK, Dubai or somewhere else, complicated by fact that he had v limited days in UK for tax reasons (because ties- get paid advice on this- it will be worth it).

Generally it was fine - our reasons were financial and we had an end date so we just got through it. The thing that surprised me was that I found having to go away every single school holiday for the whole holidays a bit tiresome and the kids didn't always want to go as wanted to hang out with new friends or just chill at home.

Also he has to ensure he doesnt get dragged into a really expensive lifestyle. Get in the mindset of "I'm here to make and save a tax free salary as a one-off opportunity". We were in a v low tax jurisdiction and still, the number of people who left after 10 years and had spent it all with lifestyle creep (really fancy apartment, flashy car etc) was mad.

But unless he can afford to retire now, I think taking this role is the right thing to do. It's going to get harder to get a UK role the longer he doesnt have one.

AD is a dull spot with a ghastly climate. (Being more optimistic, it’s a short flight from lots of interesting places.) My concerns would be how much he’ll save when he’s having to pay rent, run a car etc, and I’d caution doing the sums very carefully in advance, and having an agreed time period.

I’d definitely go for it but I would want a very clear financial plan with joint goals - including support for you with the kids - and clear pattern of times when you have ‘date night’ open ended video calls.

Is it going to be possible to save from this job or will the costs of two households mean it is maintenance?

On 350k as a single man he can put away a lot, depends on your financial situation and how much of a difference it would make and if you have a timeline in mind,

I would just take the kids to abu dhabi as much as possible and your Dh can travel back or you can meet up in a third country for a holiday. It’s definitely not idea but sometimes you have to just grin and bear it if it will make your lives better in the long run.

Your kids are adults or nearly adults. I think he should go. My opinion would be different if the children were younger. I’m a single mum to a pre schooler - I’m on my own with my child, my house/mortgage/bills and my full time job.

Yep! Ended my marriage .. once you’re out of sight the fun begins. It pretty common for men over a certain age to have a complete midlife crisis and forget they are even married when living overseas. I went to visit once with the kids and it became glaringly obvious this lifestyle was favoured by men for a reason. Had you told me that’s how my family would be destroyed.. I’d never have believed you. ExH was going for all the right reasons - money/investment/our future - blew the lot on himself, his lavish lifestyle and lots of women. Please go into this with your eyes wide open.

I hate to be the voice of doom but I agree with @therockingbird. When I worked in Saudi Arabia, ALL the married men (yes, every single one) who wasn’t accompanied by their spouse was either shagging around, or more often, having a full blown long term affair.

It was absolutely shocking to me and has probably shaped my view of men forever.

I am the first to defend the ME from the MN sheltered ladies who know nothing about the world but I fully endorse a PP who said it can be a marriage breaker when one goes. I work in the energy industry and mainly with British middle aged men. They dont do anything bad, they pay golf, watch sport, go to watch Grand Prix, tennis etc and generally have a life of freedom and ease. I never see them being inappropriate or sleazy but I know they have the life they love but also love their family and home. Most are decent guys. But I do think it is tricky when they get to 60 and are just dropped as is the general rule here, most say they are taking their big car back with them and stuff like they can't face letting go of the luxuries. In my 26 years experience, it is essential the familh are invested in the "other home" and spend time there and make it another family home regardless of how frequent they do this. Or just make the move if his package allows and give your kids a few years of international education and culture.at the moment, abundant healthcare, safety even during a war and world class schools with exposure to other cultures. But make sure you are invested in the place and not an army wife.

£350k/year tax free is a LOT of money even after UAE living expenses. Given he is in his 50s and unemployed he should take it and continue looking for work back home.

Have him pay for help to lighten the load for you eg weekly cleaner.

My DH isn't looking at 350K, it's 250k + accommodation and bonus. We aren't big spenders. I'm thinking I'd rent out our attic space at home, this would only leave 500 on the monthly mortgage. I'd need 1000 per month from him and could cover the rest of expenses myself.

Our plan would be to save heavily and then get an investment property. If he likes it I might look to sell the business and move over there for a few years and rent our home here. We have one DC 8. I could find work there too.

I may be massively jumping the gun here, it's only at initial HH stage but no harm thinking things through.

We have had a variety of challenges flung at us over the last ten years and honestly the thought of getting some catching up on finances etc does appeal.

I would be extremely surprised if DH had his head turned by a flashy lifestyle. I don't know how it would feel to be apart so much though. I'm nervous at the prospect of single parenting but I can handle it if it's for a long-term benefit.

AD is not Dubai, its a much nicer place to spend time (summer climate aside). In your position, it's definitely worth him taking the job but I think you both need to focus on your marriage as much as possible, travelling to be together whenever you can (can he work remotely at all?)

DH moved out to UAE 6 months before me and I was left to do all that was needed to empty and sell a 4 bedroom house. That nearly broke me. We're still happily married and still in UAE though!

I know of 1 person who does this. Honestly seems to work out really well for them.
My dad did it for as year in the 90s...most peaceful year of my mums life 😂 (He was back every 2 months for 3 weeks).
If my OH was offered it I would be shoving him out the door - as I do most of everything myself anyway.

Would you want to be there whilst Trump is still President, bit close for comfort?