Relocating with a 10 and 12 year old

[Yuja]

Hi, looking for experiences of international relocation with older kids/young teens. We lived abroad when they were smaller in Singapore, which we all loved, and returned when they were 8 and 6. We’ve built a nice enough life here in the UK, they are at decent state schools and are both settled and happy. But, DH and I have found it hard to settle. We struggle with the weather and despite 2 professional salaries we are firefighting the cost of living and have little spare. We find life here quite challenging and without the DC we would have gone back overseas in a heartbeat. Fast forward to today and DH have been offered an opportunity to return to SE Asia where our salaries would go an awful lot further, saving would be possible again and the package is good (accom, intl school fees). My biggest worry is the DC - I know they won’t want to go and it’ll initially be hard for them, but I’m convinced that overall we would be offering them a better life and opportunities. Has anyone done this with slightly older DC, and was it awful or did they enjoy it in the end?

Yes we did it - with an 11 and 13 year old - it was hard for them leaving friends behind but the best thing we ever did. My eldest was adamant she would never be happy but a few months in said spontaneously how happy she was. You will prob get some weird responses on here as I’ve seen posts where people think moving kid is tantamount to child abused but as adults I think you need to make the call about what is best for the family.

We moved to Sydney with kids aged 4, 9 and 13. Best thing ever, they have had a lifestyle and education we could never have given them in England and as young adults now they are very grateful we moved (when they visit England they say nice to visit but no way would they ever want to live there). BUT we did no going back, it was always going to be a forever move unless we really hated it. If you are thinking of a few years abroad then back to the UK I think that is more unsettling. Ironically a few years after we came to Sydney DH was offered a job in Singapore which we would have loved but there was no way we could move our eldest again at that point as he had settled so well.

I was that kid. I loved it. Best thing they could have done for me. Lifelong love of learning languages and travel. I’ve lived in several countries. And I still keep in touch with my friend there. Weirdly, before we left a lovely child at my school told me, “the first year is always terrible, after that it’s great”. It stayed with me, and was pretty true.

My brother hated it. I think it probably ruined his life. He’s an introvert and not adaptable at all.

I moved teens - funnily enough to Singapore from another Asia country. Both were distraught when we told them. One has thrived here with a great bunch of friends, is academically much stronger than before, and is highly competitive in their sport. The picture-perfect story. However, the other, 13 when we moved, has really struggled. The first year was awful; they had severe anxiety (having said that we found great support here for them all be it private and not covered by insurance). They really struggled at school, struggled with friendships and became very isolated. The second year was rocky but better, and now into the third year finally on a steady track. We won't move them again until they start Uni in a couple of years and even with that we're putting support in place because it will be a move back to the UK so similar issues - all be it at an older stage. Two very different kids, two very different stories. Looking around my peers who also moved teens, they'll tell you the same - it can go great, the best thing for the child and the family, or it can be a mess and very challenging, and most times, it sits in the middle somewhere.

Things to consider, especially at 10 and 12.
What are the Uni plans - yes, it's very early to consider, but to get domestic fees, they need to be residential in the UK for 3 years (yes, there are some ways around this, but it's no guarantee). So will you stay just 3 years until the eldest is 15, then go back? Or wait til the youngest is 18 and accept that both pay international fees?
How do those timings look from a job perspective for you both - if you come for DH's job, what are your visa options or are you prepared to SAH for 8 years til the youngest goes to Uni?
What are their personalities like? How are they with new situations, new friends and potentially new curriculum - more SE Asia schools are going IB route than A levels. Do they have an anchor like a sport or a creative interest that they can dive into while school settles down? That can be a huge bonus, especially for teens.
Which SE Asia Country is it - what is relevant for one is not necessarily relevant for others. I've lived in 3 Asia countries - all completely different in culture, visa/work options, schooling options etc.

Good luck with the decision, exciting times!

Thanks everyone so much for sharing your experiences! We are looking at KL and I am lucky that my company has made favourable noises about me being able to transfer to their KL office which is very busy. I think if we go the plan would be 4 years - returning when DD is about to start A levels and DS about to start GCSEs. If DD then takes a gap year I hope this would be enough to qualify for home fees if uni is her route. DS is the one I think might struggle more and is the bigger worry. They both swim competitively so we would look to get them into swim club asap so that anchors them a bit. We have all been to Malaysia a lot of times and they’ve loved it so it’s not completely unknown and I do think we could sell the benefits, but I do know that they would find it a wrench too and that makes me feel awful.

Would they go to an international school or a British school? Because going from international straight into GSCEs and A Levels is likely to be brutal.

@MrsTerryPratchettthe school is a British International School so follows UK curriculum then GCSEs and A-levels

So things I’d consider from the update
2 moves in 3/4 years can be a lot, their British friends will have moved on a bit and matured differently so don’t assume they’ll slot back in. Consider your back up plan if either kid struggles but then settles - would you move them again just before A levels or GSCEs?

What happens if DD doesn’t want a gap year? If that’s a key part making the finances work you should make sure she knows it in advance.

And competitive swim is great - as you know huge in Asia, does the move impact or enhance any ambitions they have in them at space? So will they miss UK trials or conversely have more opportunities over here?

i promise I’m not deliberately being negative but they are now becoming young adults and will be even more so when you propose to move back to the UK. More so than when they are little, I’ve found considering their hopes and dreams goes a long way to making a move with teens successful.

If you are going to do this (and it does sound like a positive move for everyone) then I think you need to commit to it until the youngest goes to university. Moving them again at 16/14 sounds very problematic.

Speaking as someone who has a Year 10 then moving last summer would be very difficult for her. Things like picking options (some schools start GCSE work in year 9 but even if they don’t it would be very tough to have to start straight into Year 10. They would be put in the wrong sets and once you are in a set for GCSE it is really hard to move.

Aren’t you just going to feel the same as you do now when you come back in four years? It does sound pretty unstable for the teens to be honest. They’ll never feel at home anywhere.

Thanks all, lots to think about. Agree that the return timing isn’t ideal, but if we stay until youngest finishes school then we will be eligible for intl uni fees. Probably best to stay put and skip the country once they’re at uni/ working (if an oppirtunity is available then!)

Hello fellow ex SG-ers!

I think @SilverCoinsis pretty spot on.

One point which friends have encountered with teens in Malaysia and Singapore- the laws there are different to the UK and several things not considered wildly deviant in the U.K. are fiercely punished there. Of course, people should comply with the law of the country they are in, but you’re in a fragile position as expats if anything is ‘grey area’ and being a teen there can be hard due to this. Not really a pro or a con, just something to think about. We had an excellent talk ages ago (in SG) from a ‘global nomad’ expert who said that teen years in a country where your parents’ work visas are dependent on your good behaviour and compliance made them the crazy rebel they became at uni- went properly wild. I’ll have a google to see if I can find their info, it was interesting.

We did the reverse, moved to uk for teen years. I mean the weather is shit and the pay isn’t great, but the opportunities in terms of larger peer group sports and academics have been vital for my children.

I think it can be challenging moving back for year 10. My dcs were born overseas and we moved back from China and Dd started year 10. The UK school had started the gcse syllabus in year 9 so she had some catching up to do, but school was supportive. It was a difficult time for Dd as a lot of friendship groups are established by age 14 and it took her a while to find her tribe. Additionally her experiences were very different from her friends- lived overseas , travelled across China for swimming and athletic completions, holidays in Australia, NZ etc - a completely normal life for her expat friendship group in China but regarded as bragging by her peers at the new school.

wow - how utterly shit for the kids. Because you don’t like the weather. Nowhere they’ll ever think of as home. Backwards and forward throughout their school years, no roots, long term friends, stuff in common.

Asia till early primary, then UK, then back to Asia, then back to UK, then as soon as they begin to settle at uni you’ve fucked off to Asia again.

Why don’t you put them in boarding school?

😅 ok thanks for sharing your experience! My kids had a ball in Asia as kids - not apologising for that. They’ve moved once. And I haven’t actually moved back to Asia, it is a consideration hence this post. No I don’t like the weather but that is not at all the main driver. Sorry you feel so strongly about me asking for experiences though.

Moving countries doesn’t necessarily mean no long term friends. Dd is in touch with friends she made when she was three years old in China. Most have moved on to different countries but they still meet up. Dd struggled when she moved back to the uk but our move was accelerated due to covid and we were separated as a family for over five months.
Home for us as always been where we are together, the country is irrelevant. My ds has lived in four different countries and would feel at home in any of them.

Wowser - @titchy have you ever experienced expat life because this really isn't the case for the very large majority. Even my DC who had a rough time of the move has incredibly strong ties with some friends, they would call them family and sees them regularly. Both kids have strong ties with the families we visit and those who visit us often. They both know their roots, just sometimes it takes a bit longer to explain than other people!

@Yuja getting back on track.... take some time to look at the Uni issue - depending on your package you may be able to save for Int Uni fees while your other expenses are covered. There are also ways of making it more likely to get home fees (basically, keep a detailed documented case of the UK being your home - from paying tax, keeping a property, or even keeping all your flight stubs! This is not a guarantee but helps). Equally, many expat kids don't actually want to go back to the UK for Uni - my son has applied to the UK (and got some stellar offers) but also courses in 2 other countries. You're opening their eyes to the big world so its not surprising they consider other options, especially when their peers at International Schools are doing the same. Check out what the Uni advisors of the proposed new school in KL say, where do kids go (and how many stay for final years or go back to the UK either with family or to board). Lots of options, lots of questions to ask.

Basically, it still may not be the right time for you as a family but there's a lot of research to do before hand.

Home fees status may be possible. Ds received home status as dh’s contract stated that he was on secondment and still a uk employee. The uni did ask for copies of all his contracts. Although we paid home fees ds wasn’t entitled to any loans ( absolutely fair) so you still need to budget for these costs.

I moved countries as a child and have long term friends. International kids have always been great at keeping in touch. Now there’s a million more ways to keep in touch.

My life is much better for having done it. There are caveats but your assessment is cobblers

Weirdly, there is a genetic component to ‘wanderlust’. Travelling parents tend to have travelling children. If you live next door to your mum and grandma, you won’t get it.

I moved a lot as a child too and really think you need to stay put for the secondary school years. Up to you where you stay, but planning to go back to the UK for Alevels is potentially the worst choice. It's a hard age to move, especially from a "posh" international school environment with travel and staff and your best friends Dad being a multi millionaire being totally normalised for you.
Really think that through, can you save for international fees if a UK university is required? Could you look elsewhere for university?

I would do it if I were prepared to commit until the end of DS’s GCSE’s and then only if I knew there was a good a level option for him in UK- otherwise I’d only go if I was prepared to commit until the end of his alevels ( which would then require dd to go to Uni as an international student). I wouldn’t move a dc back at start of year 10 into the uk state system for reasons others have mentioned and because you won’t get a choice over school and if you get allocated a really bad school then that could have massive ramifications.

I don't think you should go if you plan to move again in 4 years, that's moving them twice in really formative years. If they do settle well which is what you want, then they'll just be disrupted again. I think it's actually quite selfish. In saying that, you know your children best and how adaptable they might be.

The good thing is that you know now whether your children are the extroverted confident types who can cope with teenage moves. It’s definitely the case that not all kids can, my eldest really struggled with this.

I did this (ME not Asia) & all 3 of mine have had a lovely childhood.

The international Uni fees thing is a killer - one dc studied in mainland Europe where you get much more bang for your buck. Another is set on UK & has got home fee offers - very much to my surprise - from 4/5 of the UK unis who want her...but this can't be guaranteed. Third hasn't decided yet.

Btw if the KL school is Nexus, I know a few people there & hear nothing but good things .