How do you host visitors so that you aren't completely exhausted by the end of their stay?

[AlwaysPerplexed]

We live in SW France, so relatively easy to get to from the UK . We have just (nearly) finished renovating, so have a nice home, plenty of land with a pool - quite an attractive holiday destination now. We have a LOT of siblings and our children (we have 2 each) are starting to produce, so the attraction is only going to grow.

I have just said goodbye to one lot of visitors - 5 nights and 5 long days with them, 5 breakfasts, lunches and dinners - although we were taken to a local restaurant for one of them. We drive them to attractions, pick them up from the airport etc etc.

Now I have to say I do love to see our friends and families, we are both reasonably tolerant people, but I am just so exhausted that I think we have to do SOMETHING to our hosting system, but I don't know what - manage expectations, but how?

We are retired so living on pensions, which are fine, but don't lend themselves to much socialising outside . I do like to cook and try to prepare a lot in advance.

Any hints and tips that others have found useful?

Good question. I’m following with interest as my last overseas guests were here when I was pregnant and I was admitted to hospital with pre eclampsia a few days after they left. Looking back at the photos, it was clear it started during their visit - I was puffed up like a balloon.

Do they have a kitchen area they can use? So that they can at least make their own breakfasts and lunch or tea? And then maybe just cook a larger batch of whatever it is you would normally make. And ask them which days they want to use the main kitchen to do the main meals for everyone.

Argh, yes, I know exactly what you mean. Love having guests, but it is very difficult to strike a balance where you feel that you are gain your own fun/socialising/staycation beyond being just a guide and taxi serviceto your friends.

Tell them you expect them to muck in and live en famille - cooking and tidying up. The closer the relationship and or the longer the stay, expect them to do more!

Set deadlines - yes, do come in April, we can host you for five nights. Signpost local attractions. "We're doing y tomorrow, if you'd like to join us." "We're doing y tomorrow so best if you entertain yourselves."

For a start say that they need to hire their own cars - that way they can get out and about independently and give you both some space. I assume they help with the cooking etc - I wouldn’t expect anyone to cook for me for five days without helping out (and offering to take care of some of the meals completely).
You need to be clear about expectations - otherwise you will get so exhausted you don’t want to host and more.

I hate having visitors 🤣
While they are on holiday, we are very much in a routine and still have to go about our day - it really messes with my mojo and it can be very expensive.
I find boundary setting is the way forward before they even arrive so expectations are managed from the get-go.
Maybe say that you will go on the odd day out and show them some nice places. That they are welcome to use your home as a base but they go out and do their own thing. You’ll join them for lunch/ dinner and all muck in together for pool days at home.
Also limit length of stay and make sure you say when visits aren’t convenient for you.
Its exhausting, I feel your pain 🥴

We hosted friends and family regularly but it’s lovely not exhausting. We have just taken early retirement so expect our visitors to increase now we have more time. Everyone helps out with keeping on top of changing bedding and towels and apart from breakfast we rarely eat in whilst having visitors.

You need to involve everyone in helping out rather than use you as a cheap holiday

I find hosting exhausting too. The best thing I have found is limiting how long the visits last.
Maybe try:

"sorry but it's not really convenient for us to host anymore"

"Sorry but we can only manage to have you for X days this time"

Or even...
"We'd love to have you but we can't manage to cook for everyone all weekend, would you be happy to cook one night?"

Or words similar to these.

Well, for starters, you need to tell them all to hire a car. Are you really planning to act as a taxi service to every single one of your many relatives who pitch up for a holiday in your home? I would also pick up leaflets of all the local attractions and encourage people to go off and enjoy them. Recommend your favourite ones and tell them clearly that you've seen them already and don't need to go again.

I would also keep cooking to a minimum. Send someone off to the boulangerie in the morning to pick up bread and croissants and when the weather is nice do BBQs or salads, bread, fromage and charcuterie. So provide a meal or two, but ask them to go to the supermarket and pick up some [whatever] for lunch or dinner.

It never ceases to amaze me how utterly selfish and thoughtless most people are when they stay in someone else's home - they're 'on holiday' so expect to be waited on hand and foot and for meals to be provided with no thought to their hosts. Fuck that! You're not running a B&B and you can say that, albeit in light, jokey tones, but people will be cheeky fuckers if you let them. So be firm, delegate and ask people to pitch in with everything that you're doing - shopping, setting the table, ferrying food and drink outside, doing the BBQ, etc.

We used to host/be hosted and the guests need their own car.

They make their own way to your house and the trip involves some sightseeing where they bugger off for a few days on their own.

Don't fall into the trap of multiple different sets of relatives coming, they all want to see the same big attraction and then accompanying them to it despite the fact you are now unbelievably bored of it. For us, this was the musical Cats. We saw it so so so so many times. We didn't even like musicals.

We get people to hire a car, get themselves to and from the airport with it.
We have basic volume food, we are usually treated to one meal out by our guests and often get some ourselves.
Our guests help with dishwashers, table setting etc.

They are our family, I love seeing them but they understand we aren't a hotel and don't treat us like that.

How are you expressing your invitations to visit? Unless you are explicitly telling them to come on holiday ‘on you’, then it’s really rude of your visitors to be waited on hand and foot and at your expense.

When I’m visiting friends overseas, I’d always take them out for dinner, brunch, etc, and pay for their expenses on trips. I’d also buy groceries in and do my share of cooking and tidying up. Almost all visitors I had when living overseas did the same. Surely this is the basic deal in return for being put up?

If your guests don’t have this basic etiquette, you will have to be clearer. Send them links to car hire, show them where the supermarket is. And if you don’t want to spend all of their trip with them, say in advance that you’ll have plans a few days but they are of course welcome to do their own thing.

totally agree with @Drachuughtty

"I find hosting exhausting too. The best thing I have found is limiting how long the visits last"

You know yourself @AlwaysPerplexed who the easy/hard guests are. Tailor your cloth 🙂

Some food should be help yourself surely? They can grab tea and toast at breakfast and you can be having a lie in upstairs. You don't have to be there to prepare and present 3 meals a day!!

Aren't they out exploring in the daytime? They surely don't expect lunch? I'd be out exploring and grabbing something on the go.

I think you're setting massively high expectations of yourself. They're family and will be happy to do more I'm sure.

Try and think of it like this, would this people come and stay if you didn’t live where you lived? No, they wouldn’t. So they’re treating you like a hotel (except it’s free for them, not you), so therefore let them stay in a hotel. Bet they won’t visit then

5 nights and 5 long days with them, 5 breakfasts, lunches and dinners - although we were taken to a local restaurant for one of them. We drive them to attractions, pick them up from the airport etc etc.

They need to hire cars-I honestly wouldn’t be driving them everywhere. Do they have a kitchen?

These are all good tips

Unfortunately we only have one kitchen, but I shall start telling people to make their own tea/coffee/drink etc, but when there have to offer to make everyone else one.

We don't really mind the airport pickups (although the family of 7 will be booking their own in future - we had to use 2 cars for that one), and as we have 2 cars, in future one car will be available to borrow - but yes, we are starting to not want to go to certain places, so they can go there alone.

I do appreciate that people will have spent a fair bit on air fare/parking before they arrive though.

I shall have to grow a spine and demand that meals, clearing up, beds etc are done by taking turns.

As for the length of stay - this last one was just too long - I will have to warn people before they book that max 4 nights is all I'm prepared to do.

And These are all good tips

Unfortunately we only have one kitchen, but I shall start telling people to make their own tea/coffee/drink etc, but when there have to offer to make everyone else one.

We don't really mind the airport pickups (although the family of 7 will be booking their own in future - we had to use 2 cars for that one), and as we have 2 cars, in future one car will be available to borrow - but yes, we are starting to not want to go to certain places, so they can go there alone.

I do appreciate that people will have spent a fair bit on air fare/parking before they arrive though.

I shall have to grow a spine and demand that meals, clearing up, beds etc are done by taking turns.

As for the length of stay - this last one was just too long - I will have to warn people before they book that max 4 nights is all I'm prepared to do.

Absolutely agree with the above. As well as car hire and helpful info about attractions you have to be firm about sending people off on nice days out that you’re definitely not coming on too.

@beetr00 I'm getting a good idea now! The ones who insist on cooking are always welcome!

The ones that host me when I'm in the UK are always welcome

These are all good tips

Unfortunately we only have one kitchen, but I shall start telling people to make their own tea/coffee/drink etc, but when there have to offer to make everyone else one.

We don't really mind the airport pickups (although the family of 7 will be booking their own in future - we had to use 2 cars for that one), and as we have 2 cars, in future one car will be available to borrow - but yes, we are starting to not want to go to certain places, so they can go there alone.

I do appreciate that people will have spent a fair bit on air fare/parking before they arrive though.

I shall have to grow a spine and demand that meals, clearing up, beds etc are done by taking turns.

As for the length of stay - this last one was just too long - I will have to warn people before they book that max 4 nights is all I'm prepared to do!

But as you all say - I'll start setting the boundaries!

I can totally sympathise. We may live somewhere that people like to come to on holiday but we are not on holiday and live here much the same as we would in the UK.

When people visit they want to go eat and drink out far more than we would normally do. Also where we are is a 10-15 minute work to a lovely village with plentiful restaurants and bars. So people generally don't feel they need a car, they can laze around the pool and then walk for something to eat in the evening.

Most visitors are generous and buy a meal out/pay for some groceries but I would say this often doesn't come close to the extra expenses incurred.

We need to get firmer on setting expectations as yes it's both exhausting and expensive. Even with just familly and close friends we could easily get to hosting 2-3 months of the year.

Suggest you ask that they go to a local town/beach/whatever but make it clear that you won’t be attending.

Can you ask them to bring their own bedding or some quick dry towels for the pool? Minimises your washing when they leave. Or ask them to strip the bed and shove it in the washing machine before they go (or leave out clean bedding and ask them to make up the guest bed before they go)? Airbnb hosts often expect a clean property, beds stripped, and out by 10/11am - I would hope that close friends or family would at least offer to strip a bed before going.

I actually think this is easier with family than friends.

When I'm a guest I so appreciate it when the host says what they want me to do. I'm always willing to chip in buy I don't want to step in on people's toes, like I don't want to say I'll cook tonight if you've already meal planned. Or I don't want to load the dish washer since I don't have one at home and don't know how to do it properly.
I'd feel rude to go and make myself a drink unless you'd already said please help yourself.

You can't host for 5 days in the same way you'd host one elaborate dinner party.

I only cook one "proper" meal per day. Breakfast tends to be "self service continental" (ie "you know where the toast, cereal and kettle are - crack on") Lunch is usually very simple - bread with soup/salad, quiche, sausage rolls etc. And dinner is just one of our usual dinner options, with more portions 🤷‍♀️

If it's more than about 3 days, then I don't feel guilty telling guests from the outset "I have to do XYZ on Tuesday morning - will be OK to occupy yourselves for half a day?" (sometimes this isn't a fully essential chore, and/or I take my time in town by myself ... 🤫)

I enjoy having guests, so I make sure I host in a way that I enjoy. I did used to dread guests a bit, so I decided to dial everything right back. No one's complained, and people still come!

We had guests stay for 6 nights recently. It was ghastly as was only expecting them to stay with us for a couple of nights and they were very spontaneous with their arrangements but still gladly ate dinner made by me ( except when it included basic ingredients they hadn't told me they didn't eat) every night.

Thankfully due to a new job, I had already dialled back some of the expectations, so no free airport pick up when there's a perfectly good bus or a taxi costs around £30 and I'm not taking time off work to see costly visitor attractions I've seen a thousand times.

Tell people in advance that you're delighted to see them but they will need to do their own sightseeing. Lending them a car is a generous and useful gesture for both them and you.

Set them tasks so they understand that yes they're staying in free accommodation but they need to pull their weight and organise their own days out

Your guests should be paying for at least one meal out with you if not more whilst they're staying with you if you live abroad to them

They should definitely be clearing up after meals etc

Often guests don't realise how much you host over the year and how exhausting or expensive it is