MNers living in the USA

[MrsFrumble]

There used to be a brilliant, long running thread about 10 years ago; a little community of mostly immigrant Brits (but some native to the US) who just chatted about our day-to-day lives. I moved back to the UK in 2016 so stopped reading and posting.

I’m now back the US for the foreseeable future and was wondering if any of the original gang were still around, or anyone else would like to chat about life here. Election madness? The weather? Missing Marmite and decent cheese? Sadly I can’t remember anyone’s usernames or I’d try summoning…

@MrsFrumble I don't think they say it at school in NYC?! I'll have to ask DS, but he's never mentioned it.

Half the kids in his class have at least one, if not two foreign parents, so they may have just decided it's a lost cause.

Executive Order on patriotism teaching in K-12 public schools

On the discussion about the pledge of allegiance, you might want to read one of last week's EOs.

If your child's school is in receipt of federal funds (basically all public schools and some private schools), the new federal government is dictating that they will be taught American history in a new way. And in preparation for next year's semiquincentennial, classes on patriotism will be introduced as determined by a new committee which will be set up by volunteers (Maga appointees). The requirements are almost certainly lifted out of the 900-page Project 2025 tome (I haven't read it) and read like something out of Mein Kampf to me (I read some of it many years ago). This isn't an exaggeration.

I have two friends who teach in NYC's public schools. They're reeling. They are waiting for direction from their principals, who are waiting for direction from their Superintendents, who are waiting for direction from the Chancellor. The legality of all of this is in doubt, but until it's determined (could go right up to the Supreme Court - longer than 4 years) teachers and principals who fear for their jobs and livelihoods are going to need to toe the line. Forget Florida's refusal to engage with critical race theory, this is on a whole new level.

The order isn't long, it's worth a read, especially towards the end.

Thanks! Yes, we're talking about doing Vermont next year. But another ski trip closer to NYC later this season.

I'm going to Connecticut this weekend. I'm so excited to explore as much of the US as I can. I want to make the most of living here!

I am a 'permanent transfer' in my company and on the L1 visa, so how long I'm here is open-ended, essentially. I have just started dating an American, so who knows, I could be here long term... 👀

How did people on this thread move to the US? Work visa? Married an American?

The executive orders are absolutely horrifying. I can't wait to see the court challenges on them. People here are defending the over trans issues, but don't see just how awful they are and that the president should never be dictating this.

It's so demoralising for teachers everywhere.

@Crushed23 Married an American who was living in the UK. His visa ran out and he had to go back and I LEPT at the opportunity to move to NYC. It's been 11 years and I haven't looked back.

I’m an L2; a “trailing spouse” to DH who is is an L1 company transfer, and this is our second rodeo (lived here from 2013-2016). Not sure how long we’ll be here; our visas are good for 3-5 years, we’ve just bought a house and the kids are enrolled in an IB program so we’ll see. We weren’t expecting things to take quite such a turn politically when we agreed to come back… 😱

Hope I can join! I'm originally an American who lived in the UK for 12 years with my British husband, got my citizenship and have now been back in the US for almost 3 years. So happy to be back, although I really miss certain aspects of living in the UK, the quality of life here for us and our children is mind boggling and our UK relatives who have visited have agreed. We have all thrived here.

I remember your NYC AMAs - very informative when I was researching NYC before moving here! I'd been to visit but it's never the same as living somewhere.

I've only been here for a few months but I already love it. I miss London, of course, but so far my quality of life has improved a lot. Mostly because I live so central and can walk everywhere and even though I'm doing the same role I was doing in London I am paid double.

Hi everyone, I am wondering how you all found your first few visits home after moving away? I’m back in London for the first time since I moved to NYC not quite a year ago, and it’s been… a bit anticlimactic? I’ve enjoyed seeing friends and I have just come back from a wonderful festival in Europe, but I guess I expected it to be a lot more exciting and was even worried about getting homesick being here. But I would say it’s not making me homesick at all and if anything it’s having the opposite effect?! I wasn’t unhappy in London - far from it - but it’s like looking back at a chapter of my life that I’ve moved on from, rather than a life that I hope to come back to in a few years.

It’s quite unsettling and I’m wondering if anyone experienced anything similar?

Hi @Crushed23 . I can’t answer your question as we haven’t been back to the UK since we moved here last year. When we lived here before, we’d go back for 10 days every 6 months as DH’s company paid for flights. It was nice but stressful trying to fit everything in - travelling round the country to see all our families and friends with 2 very small children in tow - so I never felt as if I had time to get nostalgic or homesick. Also Oklahoma City and London are so radically different that it felt like stepping through a portal into another world! I’m guessing London and NYC are more alike…

It’s the first day of school here after a loooonnnng summer break. DS started 9th grade and went off to the high school for the first time on a yellow school bus. I was allowed to walk to the stop with him, but then banished when he saw an older boy already waiting there. I had to stand 2 blocks away, hiding behind a bush to make sure he got on safely. DD has another couple of years left at middle school and I’ve just got home from cycling there with her. I start a new job in a couple of weeks but for now I don’t know what to do with my child-free time! The house is so quiet!

So funny, MrsFrumble - I hope your DS will settle in quickly and love high school. I remember taking my oldest DD to a local mall to do clothes shopping for her freshman year. She had worn a uniform in her K-8 parochial school and grew a few inches that summer, so needed a wardrobe boost. Then she wrote out a schedule of what to wear every day, and stuck to it. The rest of my DDs just ended up wearing whatever they found on top of the 'clean' heap when their time came.

I’ve just been watching this thread because 1) I’m not in the US full time and 2) no kids, but I do spend about half the year in the states and the threads obsessed with guns/politics/religion etc are tedious so I hope it’s okay to join.
My elderly mum had to raze and rebuild her house after Sandy in 2012 so since then DH and I have spent a lot more time there, first to support her but now also because we enjoy it so much.
I’ve rediscovered so many things that I love about it there and am now working out how I can maintain my connection once I no longer have family to visit.

Wow just found this thread, moved to Midwest last year with 3 kids, 4th 6th and 8th graders, so all help in navigating the crazy systems and structures here greatly appreciated! Just back to school and my sons travel soccer schedule has hit - already 2 tournaments out of state across 5-6 days requiring him to miss school 3-4 days each time is crazy, how is this acceptable

Yeah it was definitely a very busy trip so perhaps there was just no time to feel homesick! It did still surprise me how much I was ready to go ‘home’ to NYC by the end of the trip.

Continuing the theme of strange emotions, I have started to feel envious of expats who have been in the US longer than I have and who have settled, perhaps secured a Green Card or on their way to getting one, and who have a more established life here. I really wish I could have lived here a few years already, if that makes sense. It’s very strange - it’s like I can’t live in the moment and I want to fast forward to having lived here a few years. I think it has come from the fact work has been difficult recently and I keep thinking how fucked I would be if I got caught in a RIF - not only would I lose my job, I’d have to leave the country and leave my new friends and DP behind. I know I’m catastrophising but at the same time it’s rational to feel insecure given the circumstances.

Does anyone have experience of being made redundant in their job while on a visa?

@lorettaobrianmy DS played travel soccer for 9 years but his school wouldn’t allow any missed days for tournaments so he had to change clubs a couple of times until he settled at one that played mostly in state with only a couple out of state tournaments a season that he could get to after school on Friday’s. It seemed exhausting at the time with the traveling, expense and time commitment (and the stress if they didn’t win!) but now that DS is in College, we really miss all the fun we had together every weekend and some of my closest friends are those I met on the sideline cheering on our 9 years old all those years ago!
I know of quite a few kids that ended up leaving school in High School to play for MLS academies which also provided tutors so they could still graduate and go to College if that’s a path your oldest might be interested in.

@BackToWhereItAllBegan thanks for that insight! Yes he’s currently academy level and he’s trying to convince us that it’s a good idea for him to move to an MLS city 3 hours away and live with a “host” family who look after him while he has a tutor to school him. To me that is absolutely certifiably bonkers and I’m having none of it, but the intensity of sports here is off the charts. We negotiated one tournament last year from his school but already 2 have dropped into the calendar for this year so I’m expecting another disciplinary letter. The cost is also insane - you have to stay 5 nights in the allocated hotel or the club gets fined. Like WTH?!!

@lorettaobrianI was the manager for DS’s team for a few years and when I entered the team for a tournament, we then got entered into a lottery to be allocated a hotel and then we had to book a minimum number of rooms in order to be allowed to play. Obviously the team also had to cover the Coach’s travel, hotel and food expenses too, it gets crazy expensive and so many families had to drop out as the their kids got older and they couldn’t afford the travel.
It’s no wonder the US soccer team has never really been successful, so many naturally talented players can’t afford to play past middle school.
I know a lot of families persist in the hopes of a college scholarship but there’s virtually no money available for soccer players and competition for the good schools is ferocious!
DS did manage to get excused for a couple of tournaments in High School. His College counselor would sign off on them if we could show that there would College scouts present (even though DS had no interest in playing in College!)

Whether travel sports is worthwhile depends on the age and expected level at the time your child gets to high school. A lot depends on how the body is developing too. Physique counts for a lot in many sports.

Traveling swimming, soccer, basketball, baseball, and softball are huge where I live, and the kids whose parents have the time and money to invest in prowess then easily make the cuts for the freshman teams, with a few progressing straight to varsity.

Even if your child doesn't get an NCAA scholarship, ability to combine excellent academics and playing at a high level, with perhaps an involvement in some non sporty activity or volunteering club in high school makes a difference to a college application.

Most of the students I know through my DCs' friendship groups who did travel teams and played two or more years of varsity level sports in high school are now physiotherapists, inspired in that direction by much familiarity with the profession following ghastly injuries or serious stress to joints. I would never recommend the intense youth sport path to anyone - even the MLS pathway with excellent physiotherapists, trainers, etc, because the 'fodder' are worth nothing to those running the sport until long after the proving years. Bad injury? Too bad, call up the replacement...

My advice would be to focus on academics and do school sports. Cross country running or track and field are especially useful as a foundation for other sports and as sports in themselves with solid NCAA prospects.

Travel sports can really be over the top. I'm glad mine aren't into that.

The thing about soccer is that the girls do very well. The culture of soccer being so tied to outside groups does exclude poor kids which is a problem. Boys have a separate set of issues. One is that American football and basketball have always been the prestige sports for them. The second is the scholarship issue. Title IX requires equal scholarships in college for men and women. If you run an American football programme, this is a problem. Football rosters are massive. It cuts into the scholarships available for other sports. Then they blame women, sigh. (Eldest is a college student but her college is Division III so not the same sort of sport culture.)

I’m trying to set my soccer obsessed 8th grader for a more balanced high school experience but he’s having none of it. And if he continues with his MLSNext academy next year he can’t play high school soccer. It’s such a waste of talent and childhood experience having all the good soccer students not even able to hangout with their high school friends and bond that way. It’s super frustrating. “Luckily” my other two aren’t as talented/drive. and are happy enough with local rec and travel sports with a bit of drama/choir.

so another question please- healthcare. For a family with young children what is better HRA or HSA? I’ve been on HSA this past year but I feel like I’m constantly paying out. For vision for “I’ve got strep throat” adhoc visits to urgent care or CVS minute clinic. I’m wondering which process is better for a typical family of 5??

HSA means you own the account and contribute to it. HRA means your employer pays into it and controls it. Both are only available with a qualifying high deductible health plan. Generally, HSA is preferable. You can roll funds over and it's tax-advantaged savings if you don't use all your funds (in fact some healthy people use it as primarily a savings vehicle but that's a whole other rant)

The FSA is the option for lower deductible plans but have a lower cap and are use it or lose it each year.

The best option really depends on the attached insurance plan. We have ongoing costs and are likely to max a deductible every year, so sticking with the lower deductible plus FSA has worked best for us.

Thanks @knitnerd90 I don’t remember FSA being an option on my employer plan so will check that out for sure!

Hi all,

Does anyone have any experience of applying for a marriage-based Green Card (after marrying a US citizen)?

Also, does anyone have experience of arranging a pre-nuptial agreement? And how far in advance of the legal marriage this need to be drawn up and signed?

Thanks!

I'm a native born American, so I can't help with your first question, but I can with the second. Ideally, the prenup should be done and signed within a month or two of the wedding. If there's too long a gap between the signing and the wedding, it could be argued that things have changed. If it's too close to the wedding, it can come across as coercive. Some states have specific rules about this. California, for example, requires a seven-day waiting period between signing the prenup and the wedding.

You must have your own attorney represent you in the negotiations. They can advise you on the details.

Congratulations on your engagement, and good luck as you navigate the process. What part of the U.S. do you expect to live in?

@Crushed23, I've just seen your previous posts about being in NYC. We're neighbors! I live in the Hudson Valley, in northern Westchester County, and I worked in Manhattan for many years. I'm so pleased that you're enjoying your time here so much.