Homesick daughter, how can I help?

[DaysofHoney]

Hi fellow expats,

My lovely girl, aged 8, is really struggling with homesickness for the UK. We have been in our new home (Middle East) for about a month now, and while she’s generally ok in the day times, every night she goes to bed sad and teary because she’s missing home.

I am being very gentle, very supportive, and I hope I’m saying the right things.

Has anyone got any practical advice or tips on things to help?

So far we have tried:

• video call with UK based BFF - always lovely but seems to sting afterwards (dd says it’s not fair they are in UK and she is here).
• talking about friends and family that are coming to see us over the next few months
• Reminding her we will go back to her UK home all summer, every summer. Now she just has two homes.
• met the school well-being lead.
• spoken to class teacher. Dd has made quite a few nice friends, been invited to four play dates already etc.
• has friends in the compound that are non school.
• rescued a kitten

day to day she seems ok but has a tendency to focus on the negative things and is quite downbeat at night time.

how long can I realistically expect this to last??? Obviously it’ll take time, I don’t underestimate the impact of such huge change… but we have a lovely home here, all very nice, definitely not an unpleasant place to be… swimming at weekends, pool evenings etc. it’s not exactly miserable…! I know none of these things replace home or her UK friends, but her sadness doesn’t show any signs of improving.

thanks a lot in advance for any advice.

Sorry I can't be of help here but having read this I feel I want to add something.

Personally I think its good for children to understand from an early age change is part of life. There are adults I've met who who have never known what it's like to see there is more to life than remaining in the same town, mixing with the same friends and they basically have no idea how to cope when faced with the idea of moving to a different department at work never mind a different country. You are giving your DD a huge advantage in life and one day she will appreciate it and thank you. I'd keep reassuring her but also explain the benefits in the long run of exploring places outwith her comfort zone.

I would stop talking about home so much. If you want to settle and be happy as an expat you can’t keep a foot in each camp. You need to commit to a new life. We moved back to uk early 2022 but dc were born overseas so uk was not home to them. Dh had to stay for another year and so the dc and I had a year of visiting every holiday. It actually really impacted how the kids settled because they were constantly flipping between two lives/ groups of friends and thinking the grass was greener each way.

Also a month is not v long. It takes a good year to properly settle.

@Springforward1 makes a really important point.

I moved as a teenager a couple of times and also notice the difference between me and those who are uncomfortable with leaving their hometown. On the other hand, I hated the big move we did and really struggled to settle afterwards. There were complicating factors in my case but...I guess if you've been a teen through covid the change might well be harder than it could be.

It takes time. Thats it really. Moving to such a different culture is going to result in culture shock for many people as well.

It's OK to grieve for the place you miss, it gets easier and easier as you build a new life for yourself.

Keep her busy, maybe some British treats in a care package, and let her know that it's ok, it takes time. She'll find her feet and one day she'll look back and see the amazing opportunities it's afforded her (not reassuring right now, but you know...)

Sounds like you're doing lots of lovely things.print photos for her room?

It'll take time, maybe skip a few calls home until it's closer to a visit to the UK.

Be mindful of your response at bedtime, maybe say let's make some time each day after dinner to talk about worries and feelings to avoid upset and delayed sleeping at bedtime.

Thanks all.

I agree that we are giving the kids a positive experience in the long run. We have left the town I myself grew up in and couldn’t wait to leave!

pleased to see a few in favour of taking about home less. That felt mean but perhaps I need to be a bit cruel to be kind?

I don't think it's ever something they necessarily completely get over, it shapes how they deal with things in the future.

My DSs left several schools out of cycle (unforeseen circumstances required it) and DS2 asked me to promise that he could finish both primary school and high school with his friends. So our subsequent move was planned for when he finished primary school so he could 'graduate' and I've said that I would do what I could to keep him at his high school until he finished. For him it wasn't just the friendships but the process of finishing at the school with everyone else and having the leavers jacket and party etc.

However DS1 is far more accepting of change and is planning his own move for year 12 (equivalent of 6th form) to a college rather than staying at his school. He values his friends independent of school, very few of them are in his actual classes, and so will continue to see them Independent of school. He doesn't care about 'graduating' from school.

A month is no time at all - I agree it takes at least a year. We also moved back to the U.K. summer 2022 from a country DC had lived in all their lives, they were 10&13 when we moved

10yo sounds a lot like your DD, very attached to friends and she was very homesick for the first 6-10months to be honest. It’s a lot better now because she’s settled more and made new friends. We’re going back to visit next spring so it will be about 22months since we left. I didn’t want to go any sooner because I felt like it would set her back massively.

Def set time aside to talk about it not at bedtime - my DD was always more upset at bedtime too and it’s not conducive to sleep so maybe also set in place a new bedtime routine that takes the focus away from homesickness

just give it time

Give her space to express her feelings (like you have been doing). But also look forward and buildup new memories for her.

Ultimately, its just time, like others, I'd say a year. Bear in mind you've got Christmas - will you go to the UK or stay - there's no right answer, but whatever you do could be emotional. We tended to go away for Christmas as a family but both kids do say, in hindsight, they wish they'd had more 'proper' Christmases in the UK. Then you'll have next summer - again will you go back to the UK, it can be a long time away so it can feel like yet another set of goodbyes when you eventually go back to your posting.

Something to think about is your future plans - I know it might seem odd given you're only just a month in, but she is 8. Is this long-term or a short-term posting? Will you return for Secondary in say, 3 years or not? This may influence how you handle things. We're long-term serial expats - lived in 3 different Asia countries - so the kids know that move is inevitable (nature of DH's work). Doesn't mean they always like it, but it's a mindset. If this is a one-off 3 years and she'll be back for Secondary, I'd be inclined to proactively keep the friendships back in the UK going at the risk of some unsettlement in the ME - she'll be grateful for them when you return. But if it's longer term or just the first of many postings I'd be focusing more on acceptance in the new place. In my experience, the older they are, the harder they move.

Focus on all the good bits of the area you are now in. ie take her to a place that does make up, henna tattoos, dancing, hair braiding / whatever in local area.

Order some stuff from Amazon that she liked, eg walkers cheese and onion crisps, peanut m&m's, whatever she used to like.

How long are you planning to stay, or is this a permanent move?

I think you may need to acknowledge that you and your daughter simply (for now at least) feel differently about whether the move has improved your lives.

We moved countries when DS was nearly eight, and he’s now 11 and a half and still intermittently sad for our old home (in the UK).

Here is both ‘objectively’ better (buzzy small city with lots to do, extended family close by, near beautiful coast, larger house, more garden etc) and far better for me (I loathed the insular, dull UK village where he grew up), but he gets to feel differently. He adores his school here, has a tight group of friends, has hobbies he loves, and a generally nice life, but ultimately, he prefers where we lived before, and I have to accept that.

Obviously, it’s early days for your daughter, but it won’t necessarily change. Some places suit some people and not others. I lived in the ME for two years (UAE) and hated it so much I quit my job and moved back to London.

We live in France so I get that the location isn't comparable. In the first two years we had visitors from the UK but we didn't go back. Deliberately. By the time we did, France was home for DS (just 9 when we moved), and he wasn't interested in catching up with old classmates. The UK was the past. He remembered living there, and enjoyed seeing family, but he treated it like a holiday destination and still does.

I totally agree with the poster who said you can't have a foot in both camps.

Thank you all, some great advice here as always!

we had some time tonight after dinner when we reflected on the day and her feelings. I explained why we’re doing it, because bedtime isn’t a brilliant time to talk about it because things always seem worse at bedtime. It’s definitely helped tonight - so thanks very much for that tip, big help!

Not about homesickness but having moved to an Arab country at age 6 ( and stayed till 15) I would add, be vigilant with your daughter when she’s outside and be aware of the potential for sexual harassment, in my case it started around age 8, the street was a scary place for me and I don’t think my parents fully realised this.

I’m resurrecting my previous thread because having shown some initial signs of improvement - things are bad again for DD at the moment, and I’m wondering if anyone has any further advice.

We are now 6 months in. DS has settled brilliantly, but I can tell he’s suppressing any of his fleeting homesickness (though I don’t think it’s bad at all). DD on the other hand is still drawing out every bed time with big discussions about being unsettled, feeling unsteady, and generally is full of angst and melancholy.

To provide some updates:

DD has made a truly lovely friend, who happens to be from the same hometown in the uk. They are very close. Better friends probably than any she had in the UK, but DD pines for her UK ‘bestie’ almost nightly. I genuinely don’t know how much is real - they are real tears, real feelings, but I’m genuinely concerned she has blown it way out of proportion for herself.

DD has also fallen in with a few other nice girls in her class but the friendship group is a bit volatile. She sees DS go out to play on the compound with a whole tribe of boys, but only has one friend here on the compound herself (different schools). Just pot luck really, far more boys than girls.

DD hasn’t really found a hobby yet. We tried a few things but nothing has stuck. She’s taken up a few sports with DS, which is lovely, but hasn’t found her own things yet. DS is thriving and I know she notices this. We are about to adopt a long awaited and much wanted dog, so I’m hopeful this will be a turning point for her.

DD has also started ‘Mindfulness’ club at school - their recommendation given how she had been feeling. It’s helped in her being able to express herself and identify her feelings - which I know so a huge positive - but I do have worries that it perhaps has encouraged some things and some feelings to have become bigger in her mind than they ought to be??

I took onboard a lot of previous advice from the replies to my original post:

We didn’t go home to the UK for Christmas, we had a lovely one here. But we will go back for summer (I’m dreading it for her).

I’ve tried to make time after school for all the feelings and emotions chats, and we did today - a big long chat about a friendship issue, with lots of tactics and solutions offered, as well as a sympathetic ear from me!

Yet it’s 9.40pm here and she has only just gone to sleep… over 1.5hrs of cajoling, talking, cuddling etc, and she says she’s not happy. I’m feeling very stressed and starting to really worry. I know we are only half way through the suggested 12 months to settle, but I really don’t know if it’s improved at all!

She describes herself wanting to cry in lessons
She describes feeling sad a lot of the time
Tonight she said she doesn’t feel like she belongs at her school (it’s the British school so lots of like minded UK expat kids).

Should I be looking for outside help?? I’m starting to worry that she might be depressed 😔

Hello OP!
I read your update. I can't really give you any advice on your daughter's situation, but I want to write that I think you seem to handle the situation as well as you can! You seem to be a great parent.
Sounds great that your daughter has made some good friends!

I hope someone here can give you some more advice!
I hope it will all work out for you.

Thank you, it’s lovely to hear that this comes across as the right approach, it’s so hard in the moment. Find myself getting frustrated with her at bedtime, knowing she should be asleep instead… it’s very draining!

It’s still early days but you seem to be doing all the advised things. My advice (also overseas) is to acknowledge and redirect towards the positives. ‘it must be really difficult missing your friends and the UK, but this move will also bring some fun opportunities too - and give some examples’. Could her friend visit at the next holidays perhaps?

With regards to the fun things, is travel to new places an option? Could she help pick some of the options? We did this and used you tube to take a closer look which definitely created some excitement. Obviously doesn’t take away that’s it’s hard too!

Thanks @Relaxd - I updated the post, it’s now been 6 months! We are hoping the friend will visit, but it’s a long way…

Yep, we’ve been on two wonderful trips, one of which was a “holiday of a lifetime” - kids were involved in the planning etc.

DD is often okay and positive in the daytime (and most usually at weekends). She’ll say things like, “look at how much more active we are now compared to in the UK!” - but then it all goes out the window at nighttime

Sorry just realised that! The child psychologist at our organisation did a session recently and main advice was to simply being there helps, but finding distractions and things to look forward to also key. Really hard though and feel for you!

Oh gosh sorry to hear it's still hard. I agree you're doing all the right things its just bloody hard.

To be honest, I'd be tempted to look at outside help and talk to the school pastoral care team. At that age, Art Therapy may be a better route than talk based therapies. The reason I suggest that is it may be therapy can give her a way to articulate her feelings but in a one-to-one setting. I hear you that perhaps Mindfulness is making the issue or the emotions bigger, but maybe its open the doors to some thoughts by like something on the tip of her tongue, she may be struggling to really get to the crux of what's bothering her. One to one she can perhaps find a way through some of her thoughts.

And of course in the summer, friends in the UK may have moved on a bit - and the reality may not live up to the expectations, its likely an emotional roller coaster so engaging with outside help now may set some foundations for that. Any therapist working with expat kids will have seen this before and have experience they can share.

My advice is start looking into it, talk to people at school and go see a couple therapists, you don't need to go ahead if you or she doesn't want to but at least you know options.

We moved several times when I was a child and my parents never grasped how devastating it was to lose your bf at that age. We occasionally got to go back for a visit but life moves on and bonds have been broken. As a pp said it is really important to have a shared history with your peers for things like leaving primary and secondary.

It is really isolating as a child when kids in your class are reminiscing about previous teachers, events etc and it happens more than you might think. It stops you building deep friendships as you always have in your mind that there's no point as you could be moved away at anytime.

You learn to be good at making superficial friends and to be self sufficient but that comes easier to some children than others as you are experiencing. It can make the nuclear family very close or lead in the longer term to adult children distancing themselves from the parents to get the control over their lives that they didn't have growing up.

I would strongly advise never to tell the children that you are doing it for their benefit as they won't believe you and all the plusses get seen as bribes to make up from tearing them away from their friends.

I’m a bit concerned that a lot of advice seems to be, never mind how she feels, you know best, it’s a great place with exciting new things so keep telling her that.

I am a counsellor for young people and often they come to us because their parents don’t listen to them. In this scenario, you are ok, everyone else is settling in and having fun, and she is not. So you also feel guilty you have made her come and it isn’t working and that affects how you behave and speak to her. Could you try to hear her? It isn’t going to change, is it, but if you really hear how she feels (difficult for you) that might actually help her more. Listen and when she’s been heard then talk about how brilliant she’s doing to cope when she does feel sad, lonely, depressed. And think, as someone upthread said, about distractions for her.