Homesick daughter, how can I help?

[DaysofHoney]

Hi fellow expats,

My lovely girl, aged 8, is really struggling with homesickness for the UK. We have been in our new home (Middle East) for about a month now, and while she’s generally ok in the day times, every night she goes to bed sad and teary because she’s missing home.

I am being very gentle, very supportive, and I hope I’m saying the right things.

Has anyone got any practical advice or tips on things to help?

So far we have tried:

• video call with UK based BFF - always lovely but seems to sting afterwards (dd says it’s not fair they are in UK and she is here).
• talking about friends and family that are coming to see us over the next few months
• Reminding her we will go back to her UK home all summer, every summer. Now she just has two homes.
• met the school well-being lead.
• spoken to class teacher. Dd has made quite a few nice friends, been invited to four play dates already etc.
• has friends in the compound that are non school.
• rescued a kitten

day to day she seems ok but has a tendency to focus on the negative things and is quite downbeat at night time.

how long can I realistically expect this to last??? Obviously it’ll take time, I don’t underestimate the impact of such huge change… but we have a lovely home here, all very nice, definitely not an unpleasant place to be… swimming at weekends, pool evenings etc. it’s not exactly miserable…! I know none of these things replace home or her UK friends, but her sadness doesn’t show any signs of improving.

thanks a lot in advance for any advice.

I read your OP and the update and what you say about your daughter reminded me about my daughter. When she was in nursery, the child psychologist said to me: there are two types of kids, those that are flexible, bend like bambu in the breeze and then there are the non flexible ones, who find change very difficult and if they also have a rich inner life it makes it even more difficult. My daughter is quite rigid in her outlook. And has a very hard time because of it. Like you I do my best to talk to her and let her talk. When she changed to pre-school at 3, she had a hard time adapting and missed her old nursery and friends so much. That´s when I realised that I had forgotten (or simply not realised) that saying goodbye to her old environment was "going into mourning" for her. It was that strong. My daughter pines for friendships, however short as I think she bonds strongly, when she clicks with someone. As for your DD, if she is similar to mine, she needs time but I am glad to read that you are prepared to get her outside help if required to help her find her way. There is nothing worse than trying to say how you feel and no one listens. Best of luck.

It’s also perfectly normal. I don’t think any parent should feel obliged to stay in a specific place because their child is happy with the status quo.

Are you on a fixed contract OP? If so I would do a chart with a block for each month of the contract. On the 1st of the month she can cross off another block and you can start by crossing off all the months you have already completed. Don't reward it with presents but praise her for making it so far and give her feelings a chance to be heard and recognised. If she doesn't adjust she can see there is an end point in sight. If she does adapt she will lose interest in the chart.

It is normal in some families but the parents need to own that is about their career(s) and as adults they get to make the decision. The dcs should understand that it has to happen to help the parent(s) achieve their ambitions.

How their dcs will choose to live their lives as adults may be similar or it may be different depending on how affected the dc were by the moves. Every child is different, some will thrive, some will struggle. P,arents just have to decide what their priorities are and deal with the long-term consequences whether good or bad.

Knowing my wellbeing was lowdown on my parent's priorities was actually very freeing as an adult. They have little involvement in my life and I don't feel much in the way of obligation towards them.

Sadly for her it’s not a contract, it’s meant to be a long term move!

@Isthisreasonable I think DD is very much heard, I never down play or cut her short. Her well-being is hugely important to us, but we weren’t prepared to stay in the UK, and so work has brought us here.

I do appreciate that she may not like it as much as the UK and I do give that air time. It’s okay for us to feel differently. It’s just the sadness/melancholy I’d like to help her with - to gain some perspective I suppose.

Sorry, my post below should have been in response to yours @Theoscargoesto

Op I was nine when my family moved to the middle east for my dads work. I had to leave everything behind and was incredibly sad. But..... I got to see a new country, made lifelong friends and eventually had a lovely time. This was late 1970's so could only phone the UK very rarely. I think your daughter will settle in x just give her some time x maybe have a time after dinner to discuss any worries she may have as the previous poster suggested x

Op, depression can often show its face at particular times of the whilst being masked at other times during the day. I’m wondering if your little girl has some kind of reactive depression and if her seeing a counsellor would be better for all of you. It must be pretty difficult being mum and counsellor at the same time. And if anything I’m wondering if curtailing the bedtime chats in some way might be beneficial. I know that with one of my grandchildren his anxiety grows feet and legs the longer he talks about something and that stopping him at some stage is better for him.

Im also on the Middle East and if you let me know via PM where you are and we are in the same place I could give you the details of counsellors etc.

Is there something in this melancholy happening at bedtime? Are you in a large house with her room far away from you? Does it get very dark? Would it help if she listened to an audiobook or podcast or music just to get her through the evening lull?

Can you try to shift the focus even further onto the things that are great about where you are now, rather than the things she's left behind? She may well find she misses aspects of the life she has now when she's back in the UK this summer. Life is happening without her realising.

It will take time. I moved a lot as a young child (back and forth from Asia) and honestly what stung most was not those moves but when my dad travelled for work. I was inconsolable. My own DC have been the same with their dad, and for them (like me) it was ages 7-9. There's something about that age where we need our connections more.

Don't show weakness, though, she needs you to be strong and confident and stalwart. A stake in the ground to which she can tether herself in this time of huge change (for her).

I moved with my parents to Australia from the UK when I was 11 and found it very hard, probably for the first 12-18 months. Like your DD I missed my friends and though I made new friends 'they weren't the same' and it felt sad knowing my old friends were moving on without me. The culture was also quite different and I felt like an outsider (not many expats where we were) whereas it sounds like that might not be the case for your DD.

However, after that period I got closer with my new friends and had deeper bonds than i had ever had with friends in primary school in the UK. I now look back and see why my parents moved us and the opportunities it afforded us. I had a brilliant childhood there.

I moved back to the uk as an adult (my parents returned first and I followed about a year later) and now live in the town where my DP grew up surrounded by his family haha. I think moving around as a child has made me crave stability and family closeness as an adult! But I did end up loving our time in Aus (and, ironically, now miss those friends now I'm back in the UK! But much easier to cope as a grown up.)

Just a perspective of how it might turn out. I hope she settles in soon.