Managing Yearning to Return to the UK-how?

[middler]

Just wondering how people manage the yearning to move back to the UK?

I don't know if it is my age ( early 50s) or life stage( kids tween and teen) but having had 15 years in the US recently I have been having this yearning to return home. My dad is quite elderly so not even sure how long he will be in the picture but I just miss the familiarity of my home country.

We have a good life where we live, well paid jobs, kids in good schools but as time goes on I feel increasingly isolated somehow. Yes we have friends but we spend most time as a family unit and I suppose I imagine that in the UK I would see family members and so enjoy that connection.

How do people handle these bouts of yearning to return to the UK when they hit?

Thanks everyone, yes my husband thinks our grass is green and we should be careful not to give it up for something that may not affect the quality of our life as much as I imagine it may do.

The way I think of it is that there's home and then there's deep home. I've lived in the US for almost 30 years and came here when I was 30. I have a much better standard of living here than I would have done in the UK. I am very happy and this is home and I have good friends here, but the UK is deep home and pretty much all my closest friendships are with people back in the UK. I go back 2-3 times a year, as I don't have children and am lucky to be able to afford to go. Right now, it feels like the UK is in a mess with a woeful government and it is really expensive - it will always be my deep home but I am thankful to be the other side of the Atlantic right now!

@middler, we had a few years in the US but it was always going to be a fixed term thing for us.
I missed my family, friends, the familiarity, good god, I even missed the rain. We were in a Southern state where the politics aren't aligned with ours, guns are commonplace & religion is intense - I totally agree - same language, totally different culture.
Even during that short time, I had insane bouts of homesickness (I recall balling my eyes out watching Paddington in the cinema, trying to hide my tears from my young DCs 😂)
We had some amazing adventures, made some wonderful friends, travelled loads and have absolutely no regrets, but I needed to come home. DH probably would've stayed, and we had the option to tag on another few years. However, we moved back two weeks before eldest started high school so the transitions worked well for the DCs too.

Gherkin, I totally relate tp that homesickness. Did your eldest have a US accent and if so how long before it turned British? Did they get picked on for the accent at their UK school?

@middler both DCs had slight accents when we came home (they were 6 & 8 when we left, 9 & 11 when we came back) but within a week or so, they'd lost it.
No teasing at school, they both slotted back in, there were some gaps academically (history/maths was taught slightly differently, spelling obv!) but nothing too drastic. They do both still use some US words for things and they're 19 and 17 now! They have fond memories - the pool complex, water parks, goldfish crackers 😂, the trips to California, New York, New Orleans, the Grand Canyon - how lucky we were to enjoy all of that together.
You're in a tricky position, perhaps it's be difficult to move back as your DCs are older & more established - how do they feel about the idea of it? Maybe when they're older and independent you could consider again?

Thanks Gherkin, I am amazed after 3 years they only had slight accents.They say they would miss school and friends but enjoy seeing family and say the weather is better in the UK as they dislike the hot summers in California, I am sure that would change with one winter in the UK frankly. Yes it is such a major decision, not to be taken lightly at all.

@middler I left the UK for an EU country in 1988. I missed a few things at the beginning, but now wild horses wouldn't drag me back (and I have been over twice this year already for funerals).
You sound as if you are fairly settled. Visit in the summer or at Christmas, have family and friends over to stay and then decide if you want to move again.

I think your main issue OP is that your kids are basically American and they are likely to find the transition to a new country and school system really hard and may not settle. TBH, it will be hard for you and your DH to settle back here too after 15 years away. I was only away for six years and it still took me a good couple of years to feel properly settled back here (although that was in large part because we moved to a new area, where we knew no one).

I know two families who've done a similar move from the UK to Australia and I think the key to success or failure is the age of the DC.

Family 1 the DC were 15, 13 and 11. They moved UK-Aus because the DM (Australian) was really homesick. Long story short - the DC went to high school in Australia but never settled or felt Australian and all are now back here in the UK. They've even brought their elderly DM back here, because once they left she was on her own and she decided she'd rather be in the UK with her DC and GC than alone in Australia!

Family 2 the DC were 10 and 7 and the DM (Australian) wanted to be near her elderly DM in her final years. They all seem to have settled well. The DC were young enough that they've become Australian quite quickly and the DF (British) has no family left in the UK here as his DPs are dead, so it was a clean break.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/living_overseas/3943683-I-wish-we-d-never-moved?page=1

Op I read a similar thread to yours a while back. Could be worth reaching out to the op.

Could it be the Menopause OP? I'm 15 years in the UK and have been feeling a bit homesick now but I think the mood change is die to falling hormones.

Thanks everyone, all very good points. Yes our kids are American but I do feel like this is the last year it would be possible to make the move. Oscars yes I do think I am peri menopause so absolutely possible my mood is being affected by hormones as I have not felt like this the entire time for sure.
It's helpful to hear everyone's take on it though I appreciate people sharing.

We recently moved back to the UK after 10 years stateside. It was a horribly difficult decision - our heads told us to stay in the US: we were in a progressive southern city and the standard of living due to the weather, bigger houses, lower tax burden, greater economic opportunity, lower bills, amazing neighbours and neighbourhood was significantly higher than the UK. Our kids were incredibly happy and had a wealth of opportunities at their feet. We had great friends and we loved it, it was home.

But our hearts could not shake our strong desire to move back to the UK. This was undoubtedly compounded by COVID when none of our family got to meet the new baby and my grandma passed and I was unable to "just fly back and attend the funeral" as we'd always thought possible. My husband's job also went remote and my eldest was just about to start reception so we just thought fuck it and moved back.

So far we do not regret it. It has most definitely been a baptism of fire. From a financial stand point we have given up on many aspirations that would have been available to us if we had stayed stateside, owning a boat or lake/beach property for example. Now we don't even have an en-suite. We both miss so much about our lifestyle there- hotdogs at the pool after work, taco and margarita nights. But our life also feels richer without measure. Watching the kids and grand parents truly get to know each other and develop a relationship organically rather than a few super exhausting and intense weeks desperately trying to make memories together. Being able to walk to the shop for an Aero once the kids are in bed. Full weekends with old friends watching the kids get acquainted. Walking the kids to get a chippy tea. Watching the BBC - live. Leaving the house and going on a 10 mile hike from the front door. Never thinking about guns.

There were a few things we did that I would recommend if you were to move.
-Get US citizenship - horrible tax affairs now but the UK is obviously in decline - If my kids have to move back there for work etc I want to be able to spend extended time there. And if you are a citizen you have the option to tap into the market and potentially secure a US job and thus salary whilst working in the UK. This undoubtedly makes the transition easier.
-Thoroughly research where you want to return to. We did not move back to our home towns but somewhere within easy access of our home towns that was new. This has helped us feel like we are moving forward, not back and has made if feel more of an adventure. We are close enough to family and friends to see them often but live somewhere that has more to offer our interests.
-Get private health and dental cover.

It's a very difficult decision, I wish you all the best in whatever you decide.

Lots of good advice thanks Jfoyo and glad you have no regrets. Part of me thinks we should have done it a few years back as now both our mums have passed away and dads are quite elderly so my DH points out that it could be in the near future that one important reason for being in the UK is no longer a reason. We do have US citizenship.

Lots to think about but I also need to stop my longing and get present to what we do have in the present right now, until we make a change. I think I am in a strange life stage of kids growing up and needing me less and I feel a lonliness I have never had in parenting so far, and I maybe thinking the UK is some sort of magical solution but many things are the same whichever country you live in maybe. Thanks everyone, every reply has been helpful.

💐 Middler

If you learn how to quell the homesickness let me know. Not actually abroad but far away from family and I often feel lonely. Compounded by my sibling also wishing I was down the street. I wish this feeling would go away as it stops me refocusing on and enjoying the present moment.

@middler I guess home is where the heart is. We lived in the Middle East for a few years and the only reason we returned was we wanted our DC to finish their secondary education in UK. I started reading mumsnet two years before the move so felt I had a pretty good idea of life in UK. I personally love being back despite the lack of comforts we had in the Middle East. However it was different for me as I always knew our time in the Middle East was temporary.

Led921900 is there any way you can move closer to your sibling? I am close to my sibling and feel so sad I do not live closer to them. Right now I am attacking stuff and getting rid of things to distract me, short term balm.

I work in telecoms and most providers are down South so it’s work keeping me here. Ive asked if I can work remotely permanently but they’re fed up of people not coming into the office and have said no.
In my twenties I didn’t mind so i’m a bit confused why I’m missing home and family all of a sudden. I had a couple of good friends then and we’ve all moved a bit further away from each other so maybe that’s why?!
I’m returning from my third maternity leave soon and hoping busyness of work stops me from thinking about it but last 4 years it’s a daily distraction!
Hope you can find the answer!

Led921900 I think as we get older maybe our priorities change. I honestly did not even comprehend my parents would get old when I was in my 20s and even 30s, they were so active and healthy and I think I was bit gung ho moving country in my 30s and did not consider how I would feel when my parents got older. I think as well that we get to a certain stage and we see that jobs are just jobs, houses are just houses but family and good friends are irreplaceable so if you can have those as close as possible and be able to interact regularly it just makes for a richer life in my opinion to spend regular time with people you really care about. If you have now got three kids it would be natural to pine for the support of your mum being near by I think.

This! Yes, the UK has issues, but so does every other country. Also, there are some absolutely beautiful places in this country (and some not so, again, like every other place on earth!)

This thread got resurrected from July but has prompted me to update after replying to the OPs concerns.

The U.K. does have lovely places and no one loves walking in The Dales/Lakes more than us, or visiting London. It is not just cost of living etc as that is an international issue, but just everything feels broken...and it is going to stay broken as all politicians will do is bicker, won't ever work together and have a short term window.

The net migration figures now are utterly ludicrous when there is no money or even skilled people to build up the essential services that such as huge population inflow requires.

I would be interested what the OP decided to do @middler ?

From my post on 10 July we had planned to discuss our thoughts about leaving the U.K. again for good. . We decided we just can't see any hope. DH and I are both highly skilled but are sick of being literally strangled by U.K. taxation being what it is and so many people that are adapting their lives and salaries to either avoid higher rate tax or be able to maintain their benefits is ludicrous. One of my direct reports told me that in the last 6 months she has had 3 of our staff apply to reduce hours just to avoid the higher rate child benefit charge. FFS!!!

The thought of our kids who will hopefully have decent salary levels paying out the best part of 60% + in various direct tax and student loan repayments just makes me feel sick. Where is the incentive?

In any event have decided to bite the bullet and return. We have started making preparations and we intend to move later this year. We are both looking back at jobs but clearly it isn't going to be an issue as from the feelers we have both put out, we were already being told to just tell them when we have first dates and they would make offers!!. We are going to plan the move and take a few months off work when we arrive to sort everything and support and enjoy things with the kids.

We told our families over Xmas and of course they are sad we are leaving but understand. However, friends we left there are delighted and already planning in things.

It is of course a risk but I cannot see any future government giving us hope. The Conservatives are just burnt out and bickering, and frankly Labour soon will be when the extreme left kick off. They will screw it up as they always do.

We haven't yet told friends in the U.K yet. We are going to tell them when we have everything planned as we will be so sad leaving them as well and don't want an extended period of sad get togethers.

So folks that was my update

I've been back a year now and my feelings are mixed.

First of all, the people. This was the biggest reason I moved back and I haven't been disappointed. People here by and large are so bloody nice. Funny, kind. There's everyday humour and general niceness. I love how concerned people are with animal welfare.
The country I came from (and I'm fully bilingual btw, it wasn't a language thing): god, the general vibe was uptight, stony faced by and large in society, quite a cold feeling world. So I'm feeling really happy and content because of that. Pubs....I'm so, so happy to get back to pubs.

On the bad side.. God the public services here are so bad. It makes me really sad. The people of this country deserve so much more. I've been turned away from xrays and deeper checks when I know in the country I came from they would have been all over investigating issues. Post offices look like 1970s shacks in developing economies. Housing....what a mess. Everyone obsessed with property and owning and improving their homes.. Rents sky high and no protection.

I left the UK before brexit, I hadn't anticipated how expensive things had become.

Overall...I'm on the fence. I love the people of this country, I think the brits are people who make you feel good. But the governance of this country has absolutely pillaged it. Its sad and I don't feel confident about ageing/getting sick here.

Interesting to hear an independent view of returning to the U.K. @PartyRingFan

highly skilled but are sick of being literally strangled by U.K. taxation being what it is

I don't know where you're thinking of going but UK tax is some of the lowest in Europe...

This is an interesting thread. I lived overseas, felt homesick, posted on here for advice and was told almost unanimously to move back to the UK!

Yes you have well-paid jobs, kids are in school etc but honestly if you’re feeling this homesick it might be worth looking into a return. Sometime you just know when it’s time to come home.

Although the weather is currently quite miserable, I haven’t regretted moving back for a second. Just do your research and plan accordingly. I suspect you’ll be happy you made the move.