Still finding it hard to settle back down in the UK

[Expatting]

We moved home from South East Asia last June, so 16 months ago. We had very much enjoyed living there and our jobs, but my eldest DC got to 8, Covid-19 happened, our mums got older and we felt it was the right time to return to the UK and get settled. We had a bumpy landing (especially in terms of my job) but over the course of a year we sorted ourselves out, bought a lovely new home in a nice area and our 2 DC settled well into their new school.
16 months later I just cannot feel happy and settled, and DH is struggling too although we both appreciate the positive points of living in the UK and I do like to be near to my mum. I miss our lives in Asia so much and the richness of our experiences, and if I'm honest I think I feel a little depressed. I longingly wish that my DC were a bit younger (they're 7 and almost 10 now) so I could swan off again but I know this would be selfish. They're settled and happy and I deep down I think it is unfair to move them again.

So, returning expats, how did you get yourself settled? How long did it take? If you are a few years down the line, are you happy now?

Give yourself a bit more time and try to focus on the positives; stop comparing or remembering what you left behind, you will appreciate having moved back and being closer to your parents when they are not longer here

What sort of things are you missing?

It took two years for DH and I to settle down happily.
Ironically we then ended up leaving as a result of Brexit really.
But after two years we had moved to a new house, started to make new friends, dc were truly settled, we traveled in Europe and built a rounded life.

Thanks, I probably just need a little longer.
I miss the weather- I suffer from the cold quite badly. I miss my friends, I miss my old job, I miss the travel opportunities (pre covid!). We were there a long time so it does feel like a big change. I don't hate life in the UK at all, I just expected to feel more settled by now

Hi, this may not be what you want to hear, but you may never feel truely 'settled'.
I'm from the UK originally, lived in Switzerland for 3 years, then moved back to the UK, couldnt settle and now live in New Zealand (been here 17 years).
There's always aspects and people you miss from the countries you live
& I think it's the price you pay, but ultimately I'm glad I've experienced life in different countries.
There's an expression here in NZ called the PingPongPoms, families who move between the UK/NZ every few years because they can't choose where to live, Eventually life/finances or children dictates in the end,
So, you're not alone, it's a common phenomena; I've just learned to live with it.

@Sammz21 thank you for the honesty - I can well believe some people never find it easy to settle. That could be us although with the DC getting older we will have to make it work!

Is the East the same as it was post Covid?
I would have thought many others will have returned to their own countries and travel might be more restricted. And that poverty could be worse??

We moved when our children were a little younger than yours. When we moved we made the conscious decision to join a really nice gym/health club and could afford to go somewhere warm each Easter. It’s hard moving and making new lives, even if it is to somewhere you’ve lived before. Have you any money left in your budget to spend on things you’d enjoy which you couldn’t do in SE Asia? Go to more concerts or to the theatre more? Take up ice skating or riding? Things to help you enjoy your choices other than being close to your parents.

I agree it takes time. Reverse culture shock is definitely a thing. I’d lived outside the uk for more than half my adult life (two different countries) when we returned. Even though we wanted to come back it took a long time to get used to it, at least two years.

You don’t have to stay in the UK, although being close to parents if you have a good relationship with them just be important.
I know I can’t rerun to my home country, for many reasons. One of them, I know my mental health will not survive this. I can’t adjust back, it’s not home anymore out there. Thankfully I’m settled here now.

@Sammz21
I agree wholeheartedly. I feel like having a personality split. It’s not easy to describe but nothing is home anymore. I feel like I’m forced to accept there is another national identity inside I can’t contribute to anymore. It’s a weird feeling but not a big deal in a grand scheme of things.

We moved back when our kids were school age, around 6 and 4, after 8yrs in South America

It was tough the first year or so but we got more and more settled once:

• we made new local friends
• kids established new friendships
• kids joined local sports such as football and cricket
• we got a dog and started doing nice long walks at the weekend, we especially love autumn walks in the woods and winter beach walks
• we enjoyed seeing family and old friends

But it took time. And the first winter we were all do bloody cold, as we needed to get used to the different climate

Good luck.

I’ve repatriated twice and it is crap. I’m three months in second time and fed up. I think the first time took a good 2 years so I’m fully expecting that again.

As others have said, it never fully goes but it does settle down. I also know quite a few ping pong poms as I spent 7 years in Aus. I've done a long stint there and then a shorter stint in a European country and am happily settled back in the UK. The latter was easy because that was always a short term plan and so while I loved it in many ways I knew it would never be home.

The former was terrible coming back- I spent well over a year thinking I had made a terrible mistake and wanting to go back, and compared everything here unfavourably with there. When there I had a strong feeling I wanted to be 'home' for family and so I felt pulled in both directions. What helped the most was a shift in mindset- seeing it as a blessing to have two such great option to choose from and having the choice, rather than pulled by a terrible dilemma. But you do change your relationship with your home country when you go away like that, and it may be that in years to come you are ready for another adventure! But give it time and try not to spend too much time pining for your old life.

I think it takes at least a couple years. I moved countries quite a bit when younger, it was of course easier without kids or a partner, but it always took time and some places never felt like home.
Try and feel positive, say yes to any friendly overtures (and be bold and make your own). Getting involved with school and the community might help - tricky with a full time job I know.

It took me two years. Xx

I was away for six years and while I always knew we'd come back, it took me probably a couple of years to settle in the new town we moved to and about five years to REALLY settle. Now we've been back for over a decade and I look back fondly on that time, but this is most definitely home again.

So give it time and also make an effort to get involved in your new place. Kids being at school, joining local sports teams, clubs, etc, gives you a reason to gett chatting with other parents. Also, get yourself some decent cold weather gear and some thermal underwear if you really feel the cold, but get out and about, join a running group or a Pilates class or a boxing gym - just anything where you meet new people - it all helps you to feel more connected and less isolated.

Weather plays a huge part I think. I was in the UK for nearly 2 decades and while
I enjoyed it, was relatively settled in a friendly and inviting village, not too far from London, some pretty good friends, I made the financial choice to move back to Australia 3 years ago and feel much more at home. I am really looking forward to taking a few weeks holiday to just mooch about with my DSs, as we only live 5 minutes from glorious, sandy beaches.

I always hated the UK winter and felt resentful over a summer that only lasted a few weeks.

@ClaryFairchild I agree the weather is a real issue for me. I got used to a tropical, humid climate which has its downsides but here I can never get warm and I terrible eczema which I never had there!

My DD joined a competitive swimming club last year when we got back and I have started to get to know some of the parents through that (seeing as we all sit watching for 8 hours per week plus competitions!). I have a job but it's not what I used to do and its wfh which is convenient but very lonely and I don't think that is helping. I am looking around for other jobs but I guess it isn't helping with the settling thing.
My DH was an expat child so he has always found it hard to settle, so we're both as bad as each other really!

I am trying though, honest! and I'm super grateful for all your advice and stories.

Yes, echoing the 2 years rule

I moved countries 4 times

It takes 2 years to feel settled: the first year is hard, you have to find new friends, new dentist, GP, new electrician/plumber etc. New school, new tax system, new social rules, new everything

If you throw yourself into it and all, the second year things start to come together. Then after 2 years you (hopefully) start to feel settled

The first summer back here our kids walked in the high street in the pissing rain, dressed in bin liners as we desperately tried to source rain jackets .... ah memories

Then they cried with how cold it was in winter and wore wool hats and coats indoors (tropical babies) and got frostbite on their toes

But that all passed!

I think also expectations help- I underestimated how hard it would be coming back because I thought of it as just coming home, and I would slot back in. In reality, things had moved on and I'd changed too- there wasn't a me shaped hole, I had to make one. When I moved away I expected to make an effort- it took coming back to make me realise it was another new start and make those same efforts!

We've been back 4 years and have finally caved. We're heading back to the US. I feel trapped here in the UK but it was an itch I had to scratch. Our children are high school age so it will be hard for them but they were born in the USA so I'm hoping it quickly feels familiar. Life is too short to keep wishing you were elsewhere!

@sevenandtheraggedtiger thanks for sharing - I hope you have a smooth return to the USA and are all happy there. Do your children feel okay about it? If it was just me and DH I would go back without hesitation, but I feel so bad about the idea of moving and unsettling the DC again (they're almost 10 and 7).

We moved back to the UK when ours were 12 and 10 and it was far easier than imagined at that age. Kids adapt super easily and they loved the adventure. They're now 14 and 16 - 14 year old would be on a flight today if possible, but my 16 year old is apprehensive and upset about leaving friends. As harsh as it sounds a 16 year old is not going to decide what is best for us. I am certain she will benefit from the move long term even if it doesn't feel like it to her now. Having gone through GCSES with her this year I'm mad at the restrictions placed on 16 year olds in the UK education system. I'm excited for her to study more broadly in the USA till 18.

Life is for adventure and taking risks, but having two homes is a blessing and a curse!

It might simply be the case that coming back was a mistake and that you should think about returning if you really don't feel settled after giving it a few more months.

If you think you and your family will have a happier life and more job opportunities where you were then it is a good enough reason to move back to South Asia.

Many people live in different countries from their parents and ultimately you have to put your own family and yourself first.

It is probably better to move sooner than later as you kids are still young.