Still finding it hard to settle back down in the UK

[Expatting]

We moved home from South East Asia last June, so 16 months ago. We had very much enjoyed living there and our jobs, but my eldest DC got to 8, Covid-19 happened, our mums got older and we felt it was the right time to return to the UK and get settled. We had a bumpy landing (especially in terms of my job) but over the course of a year we sorted ourselves out, bought a lovely new home in a nice area and our 2 DC settled well into their new school.
16 months later I just cannot feel happy and settled, and DH is struggling too although we both appreciate the positive points of living in the UK and I do like to be near to my mum. I miss our lives in Asia so much and the richness of our experiences, and if I'm honest I think I feel a little depressed. I longingly wish that my DC were a bit younger (they're 7 and almost 10 now) so I could swan off again but I know this would be selfish. They're settled and happy and I deep down I think it is unfair to move them again.

So, returning expats, how did you get yourself settled? How long did it take? If you are a few years down the line, are you happy now?

I think your kids are absolutely young enough for another move! We first left the U.K. when mine were 4 and 7, then moved again at 8 and 11 and will move again, hopefully for the last time at 10 and 13. I think it's so good for them. They will get more from expat life than they will from being settled with two unhappy parents in the U.K.!

This!! ❤️

Thank you everyone, it's really good to hear others' experiences. We're going to give it a few more months (winter, basically!) to see how we feel, then maybe we will start considering moving back to SE Asia. Our job opportunities, finances and school choices will be better for the whole family

Good luck - and yes opportunities and salaries are far better outside the UK. I'm actually really sad that my rose tinted glasses have been removed. The UK feels very different from when we first left in 2000. Frying pan, fire etc...

I've lived overseas too and I feel as you describe. Like nowhere and everywhere is home at the same time. I think it's quite a beautiful price to pay for the opportunity...although no denying it is strange and uncomfortable at times.

Can you bring any elements of your life in other countries here? Make some dishes from there, listen to their radio stations etc, plan a holiday back.

Try to bear with me and remember the grass is greener where you water. Try to focus on and water your life in the UK.

This is obviously the advice if you decide to stay ^

I agree one hundred percent with this. You sum it up perfectly. When you go abroad, you expect the challenge and you accept it will be hard at first. Moving back to the UK feels like coming home, but the reality is that home has changed and - more crucially so have you. I actually found our move back to the UK the hardest for this reason - I was totally unprepared for the culture shock (and we'd only been in France and Germany). I just didn't expect it I would say it took me a good two to three years to start feeling at home again. The simple fact is that you will never again be the same people you were when you left. We stayed six years and then moved abroad again - I love going back to the UK, I always refer to it as home, but I'm not sure I could actually live there again. I think it's because when you live abroad you feel you can distance yourself from anything you dislike about your host country - you don't take it personally - you can shrug it off. It's not so easy when you're living in the UK - you feel more implicated, you dwell on it more. I would focus on enjoying be nearer to your mum - that was the most wonderful thing about our years back in the UK, being near the children's three grandparents, two of whom have since died. You really can't get those years back so make the most of it.

Im not convinced moving is always great for the kids.

my DH isn’t British and although we live in the U.K. our kids go to an international school and we’re part of that ex pat community.

families cycle through, generally following the fathers job. Some kids seem fine to great on it. Some kids exhausted and distrusted, with insecure attachment struggles with friends and uncertainty.

wherever you are you have to focus on the upside of it. So heron the U.K.:eg get some great quality warm winter coats and wet weather gear.

i feel the cold too but get a super warm long down coat for the cold days and a lovely robust water proof Parker with a big hood for the wet ones. Good wellies.

as other have said treat yourself to whatever IS good in the U.K. that you enjoy whether the art and culture scene or nature and walks.

invest in friendships, new and old but be aware you may need to work at it.

. In comparison ex pat social life can seem better or easier - it’s a small pool so people get to know each other quickly.

people here have their lives established so it may not com
so quickly or easily but in the end the friendships made maybe deeper and longer lasting.

and enjoy spending time with your families. That really is priceless.

I think there is a difference between being an 'expat' and living abroad. We gained US citizenship and totally blended within the city/state. If anything we avoided British pubs and meet ups etc. i consider myself more American than British these days and it's certainly harder work, with fewer opportunities available here in the UK. I think being an 'expat' can be hard if you're just moving your lifestyle to a different country and attending different schools from residents, but I don't think that's the case for the OP.

Hi @Expatting We moved back from Asia in March- actually DH is still there- mainly because of the schools never being open due to covid- my DC are Years 7&6 so "home school" where DS had the teacher on zoom on one screen and YouTube on the other wasn't really working out so well :-). We were there 13 years. It has been hard- I am living in DH's home town but even he hasn't lived here since he was 18 and was at boarding school before that anyway. I think @helpmedate was spot on about underestimating how hard it is to reintegrate. On the one hand I have loads of friends in the UK but they are spread out all over and with kids' activities and sports it's not as though we go visiting every weekend. I do like where we live and have met some nice parents through school but have not really gone beyond invites to group lunches etc. Going to join a bootcamp and running club to try to meet a few more people.

Basically, I understand where you're coming from. It's probably easier for me as HK was imploding so it wasn't that difficult a choice- in fact it wasn't really a choice.

On the upside I am loving the cooler weather, cleaner air, proximity to family, better schools, more space and having an upstairs/ garden :-) My DC love the UK and eldest has started secondary, so whatever happens I am probably here till they go to Uni now and have made my peace with that.

Re moving back to SE Asia, if your dc are in International school, one thing to at least kick the tyres on for your oldest is that at least in HK, the exodus starts around Year 6 and is absolutely massive at the end of Year 8 when a lot of both expats and locals go to boarding school. So if in an international school, they could see a lot of friendship churn if where you are has similar dynamics- Singapore is less pronounced I think. May not be an issue but worth checking.

Good luck with what you decide.

@illiterato thank you, it is really nice to know that there are people that just get it! Although I can imagine it was an easier decision to move from HK.
Really it's all just thoughts as we don't actually have jobs in Asia, but could probably secure them quite easily if we wanted to.
The boarding school exodus is an interesting point, it would be international schools for our DC

Just wanted to share my very similar thoughts and experience. We moved back from Spain this summer thinking it was the right decision. It's only been a few months but I'm already considering a return! I miss the way of life there so much, I think it everyday. My children are 3 and 7 and are really enjoying their nursery and school so I would feel super guilty if we did go back. But echoing some other posts here, I think you have to prioritise your own happiness - especially when they are young. I'm going to give it some more time but if we're still unhappy, we will move. You've only got 1 life!

Totally agree. We have just booked our flights back to the USA!

Thanks @SarahBcn for sharing. It's really hard isn't it, trying to come back and settle down. I am still fluctuating wildly between staying and going! Watching my children who are settled and happy though makes me feel as though it would be really hard on them - particularly the almost-10 year old.

I didn’t. We left ‘home’ when they were your kids’ ages. Never looked back. We used to fly our parents to see us for weeks (sometimes months) at a time and they, and the kids loved it. They are both gone now, sadly. I wasn’t there for my dad’s passing due to Covid, but I wouldn’t change a thing. We were in SE Asia for a total of about 8 years, now we’ve moved to Europe. ‘Home’ is Australia..

@illiterato we left HK too. Sad to see what it’s become.

Agree. I spent 20 years in Taiwan. DP is Taiwanese. Moved back to UK because we thought we should get to spend more time in Europe. Finding a job in the UK was tough, but eventually we settled down and were actually pretty successful. Certainly ended up far richer than if we had stayed in Taiwan. But…I seriously miss the Far East. Never can quite get used to being so far away from it. I probably miss it more than DP, who thinks London incomparably the best city in the world. After I retired we tend to spend 6-8 months in the UK, when I miss the Far East, and 4-6 months in Taiwan (taking the opportunity to travel around the region—SE Asia and Japan. When I’m in the Far East I miss London and when in the UK I miss the Far East. When in London I agree with Kipling: “if you’ve ‘eard the east a callin’, you won’t ever ‘eed nought else” but two weeks after I land in Taipei I’m feeling Houseman’s “into my heart an air that kills, from yon far country blows.”