Is it a mistake to move back?

[CindyLouWho1]

We have lived outside the UK for about 6 years. The country where we live is incredibly safe and affordable, with a very high quality of life and a very low cost of living. It’s almost perfect except… we are not yet fluent in the language, the people are extremely hostile towards outsiders, the political situation in regard to immigrants is deteriorating, and the winters are brutal (6-7 months of deep snow, -20 to -40 celsius, stuck inside with nothing to do). It’s also - I’m sorry to say - kind of boring.

I never thought I would want to live in the UK but after a recent visit I was struck by how happy and comfortable and at ease I felt there. I realized that I felt at home in a way that I never do here (not for lack of trying). I feel that no matter how beautiful it is, no matter how nice our house or our car is, this place will never feel like home to me.

Even our kids, who were born here and speak the language and had never been to the UK, seemed so much happier there. The oldest, who is 4, has been asking if we can move there since we got back.

So now I’m wondering whether we should just do it. (We have the option to transfer our jobs there if we want to). I realize it would mean downsizing quite dramatically as we could never afford the lifestyle we have here in the UK. But then I think about the food, the shops, the history, the culture, the countryside, London… Life just feels so much richer and more stimulating there. I know people complain about the weather but a bit of gloomy rain is nothing to me after six terrible winters here! I feel like even if all we can afford is a tiny little terrace house, I CAN and WILL make it work somehow.

Has anybody else been in the same position?

[Changeisgood4]

We did it when my child was 10 years old going into year 9 to prepare for his SATS. Never regretted it as we both knew it was the right thing for him socially and we wanted him to be able to get on and off city centre trains, trams etc. However, my husband and I are both desperate to move back now because we crave the solitude and stunning scenery of our house abroad. DH and I are planning to move back in the next few years once our son is settled in UNI. Go for it you will always wonder what if otherwise.

[Changeisgood4]

I work with a lot of immigrants and I think I know which country you may be talking about even though the country is often stated as one of the happiest to live in. Their stories of mistreatment are horrendous.

[lotsofbirds]

We massively regret moving back. Worst decision we ever made. It's easy to holiday with rose tinted glasses, but the reality, for us at least, was just awful.

[HollowTalk]

I'm dying to know where you are!

[Firesidefox]

I wouldn't want to live somewhere where most of the locals were hostile to me. It sounds miserable.

I would move back. I lived abroad, somewhere everyone raves about, but I always felt an outsider, and was so so happy to get back home.

[Blueuggboots]

Where are you?!

[noodlezoodle]

I haven't been in your position but I fully understand. I moved from the UK to the US and I am extremely happy where I live, but whenever I am in England (as I am now!) it strikes me how much easier everything is.

There is something very comforting about being where you grew up, where you understand people and they understand you, and you don't have to think about or adjust for everything every waking moment.

You've given it a good go and if it isn't working for you, I think you'd be really reasonable to move back. My only question is - if it doesn't work out in the UK, would you have any options to move elsewhere? If you have a European passport then you have a ton of options, but if you don't....

[CindyLouWho1]

I do have an Irish passport as well as an English one so there are always options.

[Travelisfun]

Where are you? 😅

[lborgia]

I think you should move back.

I live somewhere people always seem to think it's one step from heaven, and it's really not.

There are two separate issues, and I feel the same way about both.

1 - the ease of being in the country you grew up in - for all the reasons listed above, and

2 - the country you live in now, and the negatives there. Climate, yep, hostility from locals, yep, never feeling as if you can really exhale iyswim.

Unfortunately I truly have no choice. If I did, whatever the political and economic climate in the UK, I'd move back.

[Luredbyapomegranate]

Yes I’d move back, the winters are horrendous and who wants to live somewhere that’s boring and insular. It’s not especially good for your kids. You can get used to a smaller place.

[KarrotKake]

Coming back for a holiday is totally different to coming back for good.
Look into it properly, but dont discount it (we came back, but always knew it was a 3-5 year thing away, due to where it was).
Are you somewhere with 2 major languages, only one of which you speek?

[CindyLouWho1]

What is it, do you think, that makes us long for home even when we have a life abroad that others would kill for?!

[InTropicalTrumpsLand]

The familiarity, I suppose. I just returned from 5 weeks in Germany (moving there in October and went to visit the country to check if it was the right choice).
I've only been back since Friday and I already find myself missing Germany, but at the same time, everything is so easy here. I know where to go, when, what to say, there's no need to wonder if I'm translating something correctly...
I agree it would be helpful to know the country, but then, most of us won't have the experience of having lived in the two places to properly compare.
Could you, at first, just focus your holidays in the UK so you could spend longer periods there, see if you still feel the same?

[LillianGish]

Quality of life is about so much more than having a big house. If you don't feel at home where you are living and you could easily transfer back to the UK I don't see why you wouldn't do that. Also it doesn't have to be forever. We've moved around since my DCs were born from one European capital to another with my DH's job. We also moved back to the UK (for work) when the DCs were 5 and 7 and spent six years there - living near grandparents when a) they were all still alive and b) the DCs loved nothing better than spending time with them (not a given when they get older and have lots of other calls on their free time and weekends). I know exactly what you mean about feeling at home in the UK (for all its faults). I also think that if your kids are British it's good for them to spend at least part of their childhood in the UK so they understand what that actually means (mine were astonished when we first moved back that everyone spoke English all the time - we hadn't realised they thought it was a a niche language that we spoke at home while everyone else spoke German and French). I can't work out where you are living, but 6-7 months of deep snow, -20 to -40 celsius, stuck inside with nothing to do sounds like noone's idea of fun - however nice your house is! We are in Paris now living in a city centre apartment - yes it would be nice to have more space and a garden, but I wouldn't swap it for a big house and a flashy car if it meant I had to give up everything else that Paris has to offer. The question you need to answer what is it about your current lifestyle that trumps the food, the shops, the history, the culture, the countryside, London…? And if you don't have an answer then it's time to move.

[BritWifeInUSA]

I could never move back. I do miss some aspects of the UK but on my most recent visit I realized I could never live there again. It felt too small and crowded. Even in the open countryside. Everything was very inconvenient and involved a cost, even parking the car at a supermarket where we were going to spend a three-figure sum. I also felt everyone was staring at us and people can’t cope with people who look or speak in a different way.

[CindyLouWho1]

Really? Where in the US are you and where in the UK did you go?

I found everything in the UK really convenient compared to where I am. The only thing I didn’t like was the narrow roads and tiny parking spaces.

[007DoubleOSeven]

@CindyLouWho1 please tell us which country you're in - it can't be that outing!!

[CindyLouWho1]

Honestly I think it would be! I’ve been here years and never met another British person so as far as I know I’m the only one!

[Alaimo]

I guess you're in northern Scandinavia (or Quebec)? DH and I are in Scandinavia but fairly far South. 9 months ago we made the decision to move back to the UK in September 2022. As the date has come closer we've realised we're just not ready to go back yet. There's things about the UK that we miss a lot: the sense of humour, small talk, familiarity of everything etc. However, we've not been abroad very long (couple of years) and there are things here we still want to see, do, experience. We do have some British friends here, which also helps keep the homesickness at bay.

However, the main thing is that as our moving date got closer we realised we didn't feel ready to move back. If you do, then maybe it is time to go.

[sevenandtheraggedtiger]

We moved back to the UK from the USA in 2018. We've just made the decision to go back. Fed up with Brexit, poor services and cost of living here with shitty wages. I feel like all the hopes I had for our return to the UK have been damp squibs - we've only been able to go to Europe once! There are equal pros and cons for each country and the politics in both places are soul destroying but life in the USA is just so much easier!

[Ticktocktuck]

@CindyLouWho1

What is it, do you think, that makes us long for home even when we have a life abroad that others would kill for?!

Grass is always greener on the other side.

Been there done that as an expat. Love being back in England.

[Plopplopboogey]

@sevenandtheraggedtiger Has your experience of the UK been tainted by the pandemic though? Lockdown was pretty severe where we are so it was quite a relief to be able to go maskless in England.

One thing I’m really worried about giving up the freedom that comes from living in a really safe place. I am not looking forward to being scared to be out by myself in a quiet place or at night.

[sevenandtheraggedtiger]

@Plopplopboogey

@sevenandtheraggedtiger Has your experience of the UK been tainted by the pandemic though? Lockdown was pretty severe where we are so it was quite a relief to be able to go maskless in England.

One thing I’m really worried about giving up the freedom that comes from living in a really safe place. I am not looking forward to being scared to be out by myself in a quiet place or at night.

I don't think so. It's more to do with crap council services like rubbish collection, public transport and schools. The quality of school education is pretty dire compared to state schools in the USA. Guns and Trump motivated my move back, now oddly enough I feel I can tolerate that compared to Tories and shitty services. House prices and energy are so expensive here that health insurance seems like a good trade.

[CindyLouWho1]

Now I’m having serious about moving back! Has anyone else here done it recently? And did you regret it?