Page 2 | Parents disagree with move

allfurcoatnoknickers · 21/03/2022 16:18

I moved to the US with American DH years pre-DS and my "D"M was absolutely vile about it. Said all kind if horrible things to me like she'd never visit and she's never come to my wedding and that she was sure it would be a disaster .

She came to the wedding and visited three time, clearly under duress and was an absolute nightmare both times. Lots of sulking and refusing to leave the hotel and banging on about how AWFUL my life must be. She also goes out of her way to be difficult and nasty when we visit as she's still so angry with me.

It basically destroyed our relationship and now I keep her at arms length. I love my life here though - not one regret about moving. In fact, it made me realize I'm better off far, far away from her.

Blossom64265 · 21/03/2022 16:23

You are greatly reducing contact with yourselves and their grandchild. FaceTime and visits are not the same and they know it. You get to make this choice and they have no control over the situation. Having your child move to another continent is hard. Have some grace and understanding for the pain they are going through. With time they will accept the situation and the more distant, less personal, relationship than they envisioned having with you and their grandchild.

Ruibies · 21/03/2022 16:25

Hate when parents get like this - live your life! You're not here to provide entertainment and love for them through producing grandchildren. I hope you have a lovely time in Aus. Remind your dad that it is SO easy to stay in touch these days. Yes it will be a different relationship to if you lived down the road from each other, but plenty of families live across different countries and still have loving relationships.

JesusSufferingFuck22 · 21/03/2022 16:29

We didn't emigrate but moved overseas with young children originally for a year but stayed for 10.
My mum was very emotional about it all the time and couldn't get excited for us.
My mother in law said "it's like someone tearing my heart out but go, you must do it, you'll love it and we'll enjoy having somewhere new to go on holiday."
When family did visit us it was great. We really got to know them much better because they stayed with us. Fortunately we all get on pretty well.
I used to get very homesick but ironically now I am "home" I get homesick for my other life

Blossom64265 · 21/03/2022 16:34

He may also be concerned about your son’s immigration status upon reaching adulthood. Having been raised there his entire life, your son is unlikely to want to be forced to move to a country he has never known. Does your visa provide him with permanent residency independent of you?

Original poster

lnkn561728 · 21/03/2022 16:35

@BitOutOfPractice

I think your dad is lashing out because he's going to miss you all and he's hurting. But at the end of the day you have to do what you think is right for your family.

Yeah I just didn't expect him to be so nasty telling me I'm doing wrong by my son doing it, just hoping over time he will come around as I know how this must feel for him

OP posts:

Original poster

lnkn561728 · 21/03/2022 16:36

@Blossom64265

He may also be concerned about your son’s immigration status upon reaching adulthood. Having been raised there his entire life, your son is unlikely to want to be forced to move to a country he has never known. Does your visa provide him with permanent residency independent of you?

Yeah visa provides permanent residence for all 3 of us

OP posts:

ittakes2 · 21/03/2022 16:40

I am Australian living in the uk - you are doing right by him. Australia is a lovely place for kids to grow up. And you’ll be free from some of the things that happen in the uk like the current nuclear threat!!
Great weather, great food due to great weather, great health care system, laid back life style - brilliant you are doing it so young. I am guessing you dad is going to miss you all.

WhyIsEverythingSoHard · 21/03/2022 16:43

Some answers are interesting to me, I have to say.
I am coming from a fsmiy that has travelled and moved away a lot.

By that I mean my parents and all their siblings moved abroad at some point and their dcs (so myself and my cousins) have more or less all move to yet different countries.
Yes you don't get to see people as often. As a child I got to see family once every 3 years. My dcs have seen my parents 2 years ago etc...
This doesn't mean we are not close.

The people who sort of fade away (and some relationships did weaken) were people we didn't have great bond with. So my father and his dsis for example. The others, when we get to meet up (and now do a Zoom call etc...), it feels like we have seen each other last week.

Interestingly enough, there has never been a lot of 'Oh that's awful. Look at muhc you've hurt them' talk in my family.
Because the emphasis was the fact that the person leaving was doing what was making THEM happy. It was about rejoicing on the fact they could manage top do what they had chosen to do, that they got the opportunity.

And I agree with @JesusSufferingFuck22. Being away also gace us the opportunity to spend longer time together (eg my maternal grand parents came to stay with us for 3 months), in a way that would never have happened if my parents had stayed put.

The OP is choosing what feels best for her and her family. I think it's also a choice for her parehts to decide they will hurt by the move or to see it as an opportunity. An opportunity to see her dd do something she is really keen on and makes her happy. An opportunity to maybe for them discover a new country. etc...

scootalucy · 21/03/2022 16:47

@Ruibies I totally agree re parents being manipulative and not wanting kids to move away etc but you must see it's not just about having on tap kid amusement.

Relationships between parents and kids / grandparents/ grandkids are profoundly important. If OPs kids are poorly in Oz or if OP is and her kids need looking after her parents won't be able to help. They won't share in their lives apart from on a screen. That's hugely upsetting for them.

WhyIsEverythingSoHard · 21/03/2022 16:49

@gogohm, all of those are the potential issues coming from moving abroad.
You rarely hear about the people who have settled so well that they actually got the citizenship of the country they moved to!
Should you think about those potentila issues? yes of course.

Should the idea that you might move back in 3 years time as a sign that you shouldnt move in the first place? I don't think so. People try it, the move, the country and for various reasons decide they want to move back. Great! at least now they know it's not right for them. It's not a failure. Quite the opposite.

WhyIsEverythingSoHard · 21/03/2022 16:50

Relationships between parents and kids / grandparents/ grandkids are profoundly important. If OPs kids are poorly in Oz or if OP is and her kids need looking after her parents won't be able to help.

And nor will they if they are living in London and grand oparents are in Scotland.
I wouldn't assume that my dcs will stay so close by that I can always drop to see them at the drop of the hat. Nor would I expect my parents to do that either....

DearMallorie · 21/03/2022 16:58

Well, you have to do what is right for you. Your dad is probably devastated and he will be almost mourning for the life that he assumed that he was going to have with his family.

He won't have lots of contact no matter what you think. People think they are going to calmer and visit but real life gets in the way. Kids don't have anything to say on FaceTime. You don't have those things in common any more or those shared experiences and so your relationships deteriorate.

My worse thing is that my dc only have us to be interested in what they are doing. Nobody else to watch them ride a bike for the first time or do something special in assembly. I wept at a school fair watching two grandparents talk to each other about whether their grandchild would be brave enough to bounce on a bouncy castle. If my kids do something that matters to them, there isn't anyone else to tell about it. All the UK people are asleep for a start. You make friends of course you do but when your dc gets cast as Mary in the nativity your friends are listening to their own dc. And you're dad isn't going to be at the nativity.

How much is this new job paying?

scootalucy · 21/03/2022 17:00

@WhyIsEverythingSoHard

Relationships between parents and kids / grandparents/ grandkids are profoundly important. If OPs kids are poorly in Oz or if OP is and her kids need looking after her parents won't be able to help.

And nor will they if they are living in London and grand oparents are in Scotland.
I wouldn't assume that my dcs will stay so close by that I can always drop to see them at the drop of the hat. Nor would I expect my parents to do that either....

Obviously that's not remotely comparable. From one end of UK to the other you can be there in 13 hours on the train or a couple of hours on a flight. You can physically be there. I'd be gutted if my DD moved 13 hours flight away.

EatToTheBeet · 21/03/2022 17:03

I'd be gutted if my DD moved 13 hours flight away.

It's 26 hours.

scootalucy · 21/03/2022 17:18

@EatToTheBeet

I'd be gutted if my DD moved 13 hours flight away.

It's 26 hours.

Yes my point was if I lived at the other end of the country to dd we could be together at the end of a 13 hour train journey. Imagining that as a 13 hour flight or in the case of Oz as a 23 hour flight - it's tough to consider.

Original poster

lnkn561728 · 21/03/2022 17:29

@ittakes2

I am Australian living in the uk - you are doing right by him. Australia is a lovely place for kids to grow up. And you’ll be free from some of the things that happen in the uk like the current nuclear threat!! Great weather, great food due to great weather, great health care system, laid back life style - brilliant you are doing it so young. I am guessing you dad is going to miss you all.

Yeah I think it will be the best thing for him being raised in Australia

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Movingonup22 · 21/03/2022 17:54

I’m also an Australian living in the UK - as a massive generalization I also think it’s a better lifestyle to grow up in Australia

But be prepared to slip slop slap!

Original poster

lnkn561728 · 21/03/2022 18:08

@Movingonup22

I’m also an Australian living in the UK - as a massive generalization I also think it’s a better lifestyle to grow up in Australia

But be prepared to slip slop slap!

Yeah it will be a big move but feel I'm doing it at the best age plenty time for him to settle in before school and make friends

OP posts:

Original poster

lnkn561728 · 21/03/2022 18:38

@lnkn561728

Looking for advice Has anyones parents not been supportive of a move? Me, my husband and 1 year old son will be emigrating to Australia later on this year.

My dad thinks in his own words that doing this is disgusting trailing my son half way around the world with just a suitcase and a shirt on his back not knowing what's going on. This has made me upset him saying this when that's not the case at all.

Reason doing it while he's still young as it gives him plenty time to settle in and make friends before he starts school and get used to the new environment.
We are going over for work and job pays a lot more which would mean we would be better off and also we have always wanted to move across one day.

Maybe I can't see where my dad is coming from but he's said he's so angry and sickened that I would do this to my son taking him across the world when he could have the same life here and said mark my words you will live to regret this😢, everyone else in family supports us

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Cocogreen · 21/03/2022 21:25

I can't believe all the negative people on this thread OP!
Your Dad is lashing out because he'll miss you but it's extremely selfish of him.
I'm in Australia ( not Brisbane). The whole country is crying out for skilled trades people, we just don't have enough. Your husband will be in huge demand and will earn a LOT of money.
If you don't like it here you can always go back in a few years.
My son-in-laws parents emigrated here from London when he was 2 ( he's now 30) and have never regretted it.

Flatandhappy · 22/03/2022 06:45

As others have said your dad is upset and handling it badly. Yes, the reality is that he will not have the same relationship with his grandson and any other kids you may have as if you stayed close, but there are many people on MN who live a few hours away from parents and don't see much of them.

We moved from the UK to Sydney some years ago with three children, mainly because we wanted a better life for them. I can honestly say that my experience has been very positive - I think they had a better childhood here, they definitely had a better education than we could have given them in England, and as adults they have been back to where they were born a number of times they have zero interest in moving from Australia.

My only words of caution to you would be to make absolutely sure that your DH's qualifications and experience are recognised here. Australia does love it's bits of paper; you need licences to do everything and getting them in one State or Territory doesn't necessarily mean they will be valid somewhere else. I do know some tradies who were surprised to find that they had to jump through hoops they weren't expecting, the fact that you are granted a visa doesn't necessarily mean you don't have to do anything else so it may take more time and money than you were expecting before he can work. Having said that good Tradies are in high demand and can earn big money, especially if they run their own business. Good luck with it all, hope it works out for you.

saraclara · 22/03/2022 07:47

In a traveller and have brought my kids up to be independent. But Jeeeze, if either of them wanted.to emigrate, it would require of me all the acting skills I could muster.

You've chosen the hardest possible time to leave them, when they have a new (first?) grandchild, with all the dreams that come with that for them.

Yeah I have reassured him that the will still be plenty contact and he will still get to see grandson growing up

But they won't hold him, tickle him, play with him, babysit him, take him to the playground or the farm park, sit him on their knee to read to him or any of the loving grandparent things. The relationship simply won't be anything like a normal one. So please don't insult their intelligence.

You have every right to go. And your father clearly isn't handling it well. But at least be honest and empathise with what a loss it will be to them. They love you and your son. It's going to be very painful.

saraclara · 22/03/2022 11:56

I'm a person who loves travel, is what I meant. Not that I'm a traveller in the romany sense. I suddenly realised there was more than one interpretation of my post!

Rinatinabina · 22/03/2022 12:01

I would be sad to see my DD go but I left the country I was raised in and my parents left the country they were raised in. I would in some ways be more surprised if she stay put. It must be hard for them, your dad was unfair and lashing out but you get one life, it’s incredibly precious and you need to make the most of it. Thats what I would say to DD