Should we move back to the UK?

[Ritz87]

I have no idea what to do, so I am looking for any opinions on this. Every time I think we make a decision we end up changing our mind.
We moved to Canada around 6 years ago. The first few years were great, but then things got tough which I think shaped our view of the country. I had 3 miscarriages before our first son was born, I had a whole host of other health problems diagnosed in this time, however they were dealt with very quickly as there are barely any waitlists here for healthcare (this is one bonus for Canada - I also work in Healthcare here and worked for the NHS back in the UK so feel I really can compare the two). I am currently 31 weeks pregnant with a very high risk pregnancy. I have been in and out of hospital and am on strict bedrest so we are really seeing how hard it can be to have literally no family around to help - this is a huge reason for wanting to move back to the UK, even though we are not particularly close with either family - they say they will help, but will they? It is tough never having date nights or ever getting a break (pre-covid).
Our lives here are pretty awesome, I can be a SAHM if I wish, pay is much much higher, our house is one we could only dream of in the UK, we can take multiple holidays a year, this is all great. There is so much space here, opportunities for the kids are amazing in terms of education, lifestyle etc. I am also scared of knowing how the UK is now, I saw a video from only a few weeks ago of a child being hideously bullied in a park, knowing there are children out there like that scares me. I get that bullying happens everywhere but it is not on the scale of what I saw. Is this a one off? Don't get me wrong, Canada has its issues, but you have so many choices you can easily move away from issues.
The other problem I have is family. I have always been the second best child, my mum has even told me that my sister is her favourite. But they still expect us to come back, they feel we owe them the chance to see their grandchildren grow up (mine are the only grandchildren on my parents side and will stay that way). Do I owe them it? How can I ensure a relationship if we are thousands of miles away? The other problem is I HATE having people in my house. My parents treat my house with no respect and we end up arguing every time they visit. I don't want them here. But they refuse to stay in a hotel.
We are also nervous if we don't move in time our oldest won't get in to a good school if we aren't in an area of the UK we want to be when registration opens up.
I have no idea what to do with where to live! It is the hardest decision I have ever had to make. Has anyone been in this situation before?
Sorry for the long post!

No.

God no, stay where you are.

OP, it makes no sense to leave a perfectly happy life in Canada purely to be around family you don’t much like, and who don’t appear to treat you very well, out of a confused combination of hoping they will help out with childcare (which sounds like a big IF) and obligation that you ‘owe’ it to them to have a relationship with your children.

You say you have plenty of money in Canada — just pay for childcare and night-time babysitters? We had DS in another country to our families, and paid for every moment he wasn’t with one of us until he started school.

I have been in and out of hospital and am on strict bedrest so we are really seeing how hard it can be to have literally no family around to help - this is a huge reason for wanting to move back to the UK, even though we are not particularly close with either family - they say they will help, but will they?

Honestly, probably not. Or not much. You are feeling very vulnerable ATM which is perfectly natural in your circumstances. This is driving your thought processes. Park the whole issue until baby is here and you’ve got through the fourth trimester.

Your life there does sound absolutely wonderful from the rest of your description. In your shoes, I would be thinking about an au pair to facilitate date nights, cover gaps and so on. Then I’d get on with enjoying my lovely Canadian life.

Maybe your calculations will vary, but you can’t make decisions like this while pregnant, on bed rest and secretly yearning for the best possible hands on family (that you don’t have and most of us don’t have).

Good luck with your new baby.

Stay where you are.

I really am not seeing what your argument is for moving. Confused! Just stay put. Have you got Canadian friends. They will be a better alternative surely?

Hell no! I'm biased because I love living in Canada, but even ignoring that, it doesn't sound like being closer to your family is likely to improve your day to day life. Your mother is a complete bitch for what she said to you about having a favourite child... 🙁

No way!

We are also overseas with no family around, so all childcare is paid for. Maternity leave here is 90 days so over the years, we have spent a fortune on maternity nurses, night nurses, a nanny, nursery, school, holiday camps etc and sometimes I do look at my friends back home in the UK who rely so much on their parents and siblings for childcare and feel envious.

BUT I know in reality, even if I lived down the road from my mum, she wouldn't really help out that much. She works (albeit part time) and to be honest, from the short periods of time we do spend together eg when she comes to visit, she is not hands on at all with the kids and I couldn't really imagine her doing the school run or having them overnight bar exceptional circumstances.

Don't give up what sounds like a very comfortable life for an ideal that you have in your head of what it might be like (but you know it wont)

Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy!

Canada sounds great. Stay and join groups and clubs to make friends. Chat to neighbours. I am in UK but you have chance of new better life for yourself and any child.

We do have friends who under normal circumstances are awesome, I think the pandemic hasn't helped as we haven't been able to see people in so long just due to restrictions, so I think this has made it harder as you feel more isolated (I know the rest of the world is feeling this way too!). I just feel guilty about family. They make us feel guilty for not coming back. It also doesn't help as during the height of all the miscarriages and health problems I told them I hated being here and wanted to come home (I was at a very vulnerable time and honestly would have hated anywhere that I was), but now they raise this every single time almost as a way to say we should be coming back. I am a people pleaser, I have spent every moment of my life making others happy, I rarely do anything for myself as I just want others around me to be happy, but now I have children I want things to be the right things for them.
I think you are right @RickiTarr making these decisions right now is very hard and probably not the right time, I hadn't really thought of it that way, so thank you!

Everything I'm reading from your post sounds pro-Canada. All of the positives for staying there sound genuinely nice and a lovely way to raise your kids. All of the reasons for coming back here seem more negative than positive.

It sounds, to me, that you really want to stay and like PP's have said, you just feel vulnerable right now because you're having a tough time.

If it were me, I'd wait until a little after baby has arrived (not right after due to hormones!) to think about it again. If you do decide to move your eldest will be fine but I do think your decision will be to stay.

Nothing in your post indicates that moving home would be beneficial to you or your family. And I say this is someone who IS moving back to the UK in a few months (not from Canada).

You don't owe your parents anything. You certainly don't owe them grandchildren.

You do owe your children the best childhood you can offer them. I don't mean materially. Uprooting them to be near grandparents who treat their mother badly would probably not be the best thing.

When your parents come to stay in Canada book them an AirBnB nearby. I've had to do this with my inlaws and my mother, so know it takes some guts! But it's MUCH better when they're out of your hair at the beginning and end of every day.

I live abroad and I know what you mean about really being alone. Get extra help with the children. Make it a standard part of your budget.

I've been abroad when on bed rest. I found it SO scary and isolating - not helped by the fact that most people seemed to think I was lucky to be having "rest" and just stay in bed all day absolutely didn't help. I wasn't readying, although not physically exerting energy. I was fighting against my desire to do things in order to keep my baby alive and then to let her grow as much as possible. I was extremely stressed. I felt like I had a life or death responsibility over my unborn baby. If I went to the loo too much and then she was born premature, I'd never know if it was my fault, so better not go to the loo to often. But if I waited until I was bursting, then I'd have contraction's, so couldn't do that. It was hugely stressful. Maybe it's different for you, but I'm saying that because your message sounded to me like the level of stress I had about everything during that time. So maybe be easy on yourself. You're better off without your parents nearby (do you think they'd be helping you right now if they lived nearby, or adding to your problems?). You have built an amazing life for yourself and your children are happy. Don't worry about adding in an international move right now. Don't even think about your parents getting a grandparent experience. They should want the best for their grandchildren. Which doesn't involve uprooting them so that they can treat their mother like shit.

I hope your bed rest goes smoothly.

I'd also wait until your baby is six months old before making big decisions. Newborns are hard and by six months you will have adjusted.

However, something that leapt out at me. If your parents don't follow your houserules and are not respectful of your ways, and if you have set ways, id remember the many many many threads on here regarding grandparents who disregard parenting rules and concepts. And who insist on rusks or outside napping or tv time or whatever. And who do these things despite being explicitly asked not to.

Also much of the best free childcare and help involves people being in your home. So you may need to figure that out. Many free childcare routines involve gps having keys and spending days at your place as much as theres.

Sounds like you'd rather stay, so stay. If you decide later to move then go, but I'd be inclined to think you'd regret it after reading your list as you'll be moving for someone else's needs, which is wrong

Ref visitors, can you build a cabin for guests in your garden ?

Stay where you are.

Even if you were well enough o to up sticks and move next week it’s just not practical.

I think the immediate stress you’re in is clouding your judgment.

I hope you stay well. 💐

We're overseas and have always paid for childcare but it didn't work out the way I expected - it has been so much more.

DC made great friends at daycare and had key workers who were lovely and loved her. We've had some awesome babysitters who have formed great relationships with them. They have benefited hugely from these. Although it's a paid relationship, it can be better than family so don't feel guilty about using childcare.

At some point, I think you end up choosing between what is best for your parents, yourself and your kids.

Don't come back! It's totally shit here compared to the life you have there. It would be a massive step backwards. Pay for help where you are, get a babysitter for date night etc.

When I read your title I thought 'no'. When I read your post I thought 'hell no'.

Absolutely do not be guilted into leaving Canada by a mother who tells you you're second best.

Of course you feel isolated at the moment. Almost everyone does.

(children can be bullied anywhere in the world, that's not a new phenomena nor is it unique to the UK).

Sounds as though you have great life in Canada with some (completely understandable) feelings of uncertainty and anxiety given your pregnancy, ib the circumstances of pandemic and lockdown.

Focus on being kind to yourself and looking after you and your baby.

Sounds like you’re all very happy with your lives in Canada. Your only reason for moving back to the UK would be ‘what if’.

I don’t have any relationship with my only living grandmother as we only saw her once a year, but one of my siblings has. He’s the one who begged my parents for overnight stays whenever we were there, and will happily call her once a week and chat. You don’t OWE your parents anything, especially when they sound difficult, but a relationship can definitely be maintained with the DGC if you so wish. Technology has made this very easy nowadays.

Don’t move to please your parents. Move because you really, really want to.

Understandably, You’re feeling tired and emotional with this pregnancy and I hope the rest of the pregnancy goes smoothly for you.

However, as a poster above says, you reasons above are pro-Canada. You’re happy there, have a good standard of living, am settled etc. The reason for coming back is family, on the vague promise of childcare, and grandparents demanding to see their grandchildren.

Do what’s best for you and your family. Stay put! Don’t make major life decesions at this time. Many families bring up kids without close family help, it’s nice to have but not essential. With zooom/FaceTime etc, they can still interact with grandchildren. When they visit, just grin and bear it - it’s only for a couple of weeks.

Another vote for stay where you are.
Your family don't sound like they would be much help especially once the novelty has worn off & their lack of interest will cause resentment especially when you consider what you have given up to be with them.
Add in the favourite's dc probably getting lots of attention & you could be set up for years of dissatisfaction.
Everything feels weird at the moment & obviously even more so being pregnant. It's not a time for huge decisions.
Don't be guilt tripped by anyone.

No, I'd stay put and get a good circle of friends and good childcare. Sometimes they make up and some, for rubbish family... Sounds like it might be a blessing to have distance from your Mum when she told you your sister is her preferred child... Imagine what damage she could do to your children

Oh my gosh STAY!

Pay for a babysitter when you want nights out - it sounds like a lovely life and there is hardly anything great waiting for you in the UK

Unless you have private health insurance in the U.K. then stay where you are. Waiting lists on the nhs are at record levels unfortunately.