dh got that job in Milan, should I stay or should I go? Don't want to leave Switzerland.

[ernest]

Sorry, long irratic waffle appraoching. I feel torn. Do I put my marriage first, or my kids? Obv. I don't come first in any of this.

I've lived in Switzerland for nearly 7 years. 2 of our 3 boys were born here. I moved around a lot as a child and adult. I just want to settle down. DH had a very stable childhood and wants excitment, change. He's been offered, and accepted a fantastic job in Milan.

I need to decide if I go with him or stay here and we commute, ie he comes back for weekends, we go there during school holidays.

If we go, boys going to have to learn Italian, it'll be hard, they have already done it with German. I don't want to put them under the extra stress. Ds2 & 3 cope very badly with change. Ds 1 a lot more adaptable. Sorry I'm jumping about a bit, Boys are 3, 6 & 7 (almost 8).

I love it here. Swiss mentality suits my personality. Hate the thought of Italy. Hate the sound of Milan, the traffic, heat, pollution...

If we move, DH will be in an English speaking office, working long hours and travelling a lot, so we wouldn't see much of him anyway. And I'd have to cope with everything on my own, no friends, no Knowledge of Italian, no help (have good support network with neighbors here). It will be much harder for me & the boys than him.

But if we stay - well dh had a 6 month long affair recently, from September to March. So obv. trust a big issue.

He says I am negative and unsupportive. But I feel negative about it. I love it here. I don't want to start all over again. But can I risk my marriage like this?

I've adi I won't go straight away, we'll do the commute for 6 months. I'm learning Italian, and we'll see how it goes. I really don't know. I guess if we didn't have kids I'd go, and I'd see it as an adventure. But I remember as a kid moving schools and finding it horrible. And that was without being chucked into a foreign school not knowing a word of the language. on the other hand, they could end up tri-lingual. Very confused.

I know you can't make the dicission for me, but anyone help me iron out some thoughts??? See it from a clearer neutral perspective?

well, when I looked into divorse they told me I could as long as I wasn't financially dependant on state, so as long as dh paying, we can as far as I'm aware. I will be earning, as of August, but not enough for the 4 of us

oh that sounds promising.

have you been to a solicitor to see how much you can screw him for

and if this can be done internationally

Not read all this thread so if I repeat ignore me.
You said you would commute. why not try that, going over there in school holidays etc and see if you like it. If you do then you could think about moving over theree and if you don't then you've lost nothing!

ernest as another wife who's H has had an affair and dragged me half way around the world too - stay where you are and put yourself and the children first. I am now and it's making life so much easier. Marriage has gone down the pan. My h was bored as well with his life and found I had no time for him. I should have put my foot down sooner. Too late now, but shall not make the same mistake again. Great news on the job - well done. See how it all pans out over the next 6 mnths. Remember we're all here to support you and the boys albeit virtually.

ernest it scares me that you have to choose marriage or kids...shouldn't you both be putting your kids first and in doing that protecting your marriage?

How are you ernest?

hi baffy, I'm ok just in a constant whirl of what ifs and wonderings. I know dh inevitably gets bad press on hee, lets face it, having affairs and selfishness and putting job forst don't rate too highly on the mumsnet desirability scale, but dh is, at times, really great too, honest, otherwise I wouldn't still be here. It's hard having Milan thrown intot he mix as it will inevitably reduce the amount of times we can visit UK and mil is still in critical condition, so that's also creating strain.

I'm glad I asked you lot and it's made me think of things I wouldn't have and it's also made me feel more confident to stand up for what I want - he clearly assumed we def. would move and got a bit of a reality check/ surprise when I reminded him I hadn't agreed to go. Affair aside, I'd be worried anyway, about long term commute, but otoh it does offer many advantages.

But I do genuinely also wonder if I should give Milan a go, I mean, I'm sure loads of people would think it a great chance to live on Lake Como, for example. I spoke Italian for the 1st time ever today . told dh we should go to Milan for w/e, after all, if our future is tied up with this city I should at least take a peep. SO I phoned a hotel and asked .... do you speak English!!!! To me, it felt like a real achievement

It's funny Califrau, Germany, hmmm, let me think, I vaguely remember you mentioning something

I'm not putting anything before my boys of course, maybe that came across wrong, but I guess my desire to stay here/reluctance I feel towards this move might be holding them back. Learning a 3rd language would be an advantage, if not stressful, but they are still young. I am concerned that putting additional pressure on marriage resulting in split would of course be also bad for them.

Either way, there's good and bad to come for move, but I feel right about staying put, until I'm convinced othervise.Cheers everyone.

Annoyingly, despite Italy being supposedly so boodly 'child/family friendly' I cannot find in Milan a hotel with a family room for a couple with 3 kids. Aren't they supposed to be catholics or something? Best I was offered was one double with a triple - bed room at least on the same floor, as close together as possible

Not sure if this may help but here it is anyway:

www.holidaylettings.co.uk, easier to find an apartment than a 5 beded hotel suite

Glad you're doing ok. You sound a lot more positive anyway.

I think plenty of weekend breaks and holidays in Italy is definitely a good idea until you decide what you're going to do

Catch up soon

good luck with everything Ernest. I think you are right to start learning Italian and go and have a good look around Milan and the surrounding areas. Perhaps you will have your reservations confirmed, perhaps you'll be pleasantly surprised.

It's a hard decision to make alright. I could imagine there is a German school in Milan, there will be an internatonal school for sure if language did prove too big a hurdle but I shouldn't think so really.

I think maybe try to get clear in your own mind whether one day when the dc have flown the nest, this is the companion you want to be with.

we've looked into international schools & there's both a swiss and british one. Problem is, company will only pay for 2 years, so they'd have to change schools then anyway, and I think I'd rather throw them in at the deep end from the beginning than make them change again so soon. Assuming we saty put more than 2 years , assuming we go in the 1st place that is. Dh, clearly on cloud cuckoo land, thinks I'm wrong in ruling it out and is even considering sending them, then footing the bill ourselves He is clearly barking mad. For 3 kids it's be in the region of £50k a year!!!!!!!! We'd have NO money left for food, clothes, anything. NO WAY could we afford it. For 1 child maybe, for 3? He's clearly insane.

Anyway, I don't think international schools are an ideal option, except in short term (ie max 1 year). High turn over of pupils and staff, too inconsistent imo, never mind the undeniable benefit of the 2nd (or 3rd) langugae & culture, tho in our case we'd prob. consider the swiss school, which would be doing this anyway, just in the wrong country, iyswim

Having been to a number of international schools whilst my father was working temporary assignments (usually 6 months-2 years), I have to say your assumptions about them are SPOT ON.

Why is this person trying to bully you? It's like, 'It's my way or the highway, darling, and kids, too!'

My ex's dad was like this - he had affairs, too, and a very high-flying career - and let me tell you, the kids - he and his brother - really don't like their dad now and their mother is dead. They knew exactly what was going on from a young age.

The ex was forced to change high schools in his final year because Dad took a job and of course Mom pursed her lips and went along.

Sorry, but this guy sounds like a bully.

I'd stick to my guns and go with what I felt was best for my kids and myself for once.

Kids learn how to treat a spouse from their parents. If they see a person who just bullies their spouse, doesn't even bother to consult him/her or the kids on huge life changing decisions and their spouse taking it, it messes them up big style.

Ernest love - there is nothing, nothing wrong with putting your own needs and wishes into the picture. Please don't feel you're being selfish.

Just to echo what others say really. Reading your posts it really does sound like it's all about him. It's quite sad that he can't see the huge upheaval it would be for the children. And for what? for him and his job it sounds like.

And what about from your boys' POV? - two of them found the last linguistic move hard, so the chances are the next one would be, too. Having watched both of mine really suffer for over a year, I would not put them through it again. It has been, at times, simply awful.

The other question is what do you want? Have you done the age-old trick of writing all the pros and cons down and being really, really brutally honest with yourself? Sometimes seeing it in black and white clarifies everything and sometimes, it can make you focus of the crux of the problem.

Good luck. You don't have to make a decision NOW unless it is blindingly in everyone's interests to go or stay.