dh got that job in Milan, should I stay or should I go? Don't want to leave Switzerland.

[ernest]

Sorry, long irratic waffle appraoching. I feel torn. Do I put my marriage first, or my kids? Obv. I don't come first in any of this.

I've lived in Switzerland for nearly 7 years. 2 of our 3 boys were born here. I moved around a lot as a child and adult. I just want to settle down. DH had a very stable childhood and wants excitment, change. He's been offered, and accepted a fantastic job in Milan.

I need to decide if I go with him or stay here and we commute, ie he comes back for weekends, we go there during school holidays.

If we go, boys going to have to learn Italian, it'll be hard, they have already done it with German. I don't want to put them under the extra stress. Ds2 & 3 cope very badly with change. Ds 1 a lot more adaptable. Sorry I'm jumping about a bit, Boys are 3, 6 & 7 (almost 8).

I love it here. Swiss mentality suits my personality. Hate the thought of Italy. Hate the sound of Milan, the traffic, heat, pollution...

If we move, DH will be in an English speaking office, working long hours and travelling a lot, so we wouldn't see much of him anyway. And I'd have to cope with everything on my own, no friends, no Knowledge of Italian, no help (have good support network with neighbors here). It will be much harder for me & the boys than him.

But if we stay - well dh had a 6 month long affair recently, from September to March. So obv. trust a big issue.

He says I am negative and unsupportive. But I feel negative about it. I love it here. I don't want to start all over again. But can I risk my marriage like this?

I've adi I won't go straight away, we'll do the commute for 6 months. I'm learning Italian, and we'll see how it goes. I really don't know. I guess if we didn't have kids I'd go, and I'd see it as an adventure. But I remember as a kid moving schools and finding it horrible. And that was without being chucked into a foreign school not knowing a word of the language. on the other hand, they could end up tri-lingual. Very confused.

I know you can't make the dicission for me, but anyone help me iron out some thoughts??? See it from a clearer neutral perspective?

Congrats on the job! In your shoes, knowing what it's like to hoof school-age kids around different countries and knowing Italy as I do, I would stay here. At least, until dh proves himself- he would be your only support for a while on unfamiliar territory- and that support, with 3 kids, needs to be trustworthy.

I would stay put

iirc it is quite easy to commute by train from various parts of Switzerland to Milan.

If you stay and try the commuting and it doesn't work out, you can move later. If you move and it doesn't work out, it is much harder to go back.

As for the trust issues, I would say that if he is commuting weekly then in a way it will be easier for him to gain your trust, because if you can trust him when he is working in another country then you know you can trust him anywhere iyswim

Ernest I really think that all he can think of his himself at the moment and all of his decisions lately have been about him

I really don't think this is a good time for you to uproot the children, and yourself, when you have been through so much. You will be in a place you don't want to be, and hardly seeing him anyway by the sound of it.

Start thinking about what you want.

6 month trial, with you staying where you are and visiting each other whenever possible, could be a great idea. See how you all feel after that.

He can still encourage you all to do all of the adventurous things in holidays, weekends and times when you're all together...
I don't think moving your family would be in anyone's best interests except his at this point in time. And he still has a long way to go to prove himself worthy of your loyalty, love and support. So let him prove himself.

And a massive CONGRATULATIONS on the job! Great news! I think that is just the sort of luck you need now and I'm sure you will be so much happier once you start it

(mylittlestar here btw)

Congratulations on the new job!!

Best of luck with everything - with your strenght and attitude to life you will make sure things work out whatever happens.

Brill news about the job.

The trouble with him going and leaving you behind is that he creates a grovvy new life of which you and the kids are not a part and if he's cheated on yuo once,this is the perfect scenario to encourage him to weaken again...

Any chance you could continue to live in Switzerland , say in Ticino or Valais which could be an hour or so commute from Milan ? Plenty of German/multilingual speakers around that area too so opportunities for your kids to maintain their linguisic skills and for you to work long term perhaps. Or is dh determined to live int he city and have it all ways at your expense? In meantime stay put, take the temporary job (good for morale and to keep you occupied while dh is away) and bide your time.

Congrats on your job - good reason to sample the commuting lifestyle.

Only thought is that wasn't he itching to move back to England at one stage - Milan does sound like a more attractive option in that case...

Yes, moony, but even if they moved he'd be away a lot and have ample opportunity to cheat again.

So why make the entire family suffer with an unhappy move into the bargain?

HE should be making the effort to prove trustworthy and even more committed to making the marriage work, not looking to swan off to suit his own selfish needs.

Yes Expat,I see that point but just thinking about new city,loads of socialising,vvery exciting and all that while Ernest is at home wiping bottoms.

Congratulations on your job.

I agree that it would be better for you to stay in CH until things are more settled.

Perhaps if your DH is happier and more challenged in his worklife, he will be happier in his private life. If nothing else, the first few months are bound to be very hectic and stressful, so the chance of him having an affair are less as he won't have much free time.

My DH might be moved to the company's HQ in CH sometime next year and I have said that I def. would not uproot the kids in the middle of the year. Not to mention the time it takes to find a house/school/kindergarten etc. And to learn yet another language.

One advantage for the DCs though would of course be the language skills. They will probably find learning Italian easier as they already speak two languages.

I'm afraid to say that if he's going to have another affair he'll have one, whether you live together or 100, 1000 or 10,000 miles apart. Sure, he'll get into the cushy bachelor life in Milan but it doesn't sound like he helps much at home anyway.

Don't move to Milan just because you want to be with him all the time in order to stop him having an affair. It won't work and would be such a bad reason to move. Live your life to the full, don't spend your days wondering if he's having an affair or what he's up to.

But ernest is happier in Switzerland, moondog. It appears his children are, too.

She'll be working, too, and has friends and a life there.

He didn't have to go to Milan to stray the first time, so it makes little difference if she's there in Milan or not.

Exactly, Tooty! You'll just end up resentful for moving, and the kids will pick up on it.

"He didn't have to go to Milan to stray the first time, so it makes little difference if she's there in Milan or not."

Spot on Expat.

feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't but will stick to staying here for 6 months and seeing. AM worried the flash new car, swish city center appt, child-free life style will mean us growing more apart, but what can I do? LIke I said, do I put my kids or my marriage 1st? And as others have said, could well move, he could stray again,then I'd be knackered.

wow - ernest i'm going to sound harsh but - what the fuck?!

what the fuck is your dh on?

cut all the phsychobabble bullshit....with the he wants this and that codswallop crap.

he fucked someone else

fucked up your life for ages - you were desolate and destroyed when you posted on here. he is a complete KNOBWANK. so he thinks he can get a job - not consult you and you'll all follow like the good little family you are - so understanding of his neds etcetc

I can honestly say if my dh had an affair and i took him back ( which i wouldnt) that he would be yes custy no custy whatever you say custy - custy you are my world and my life i am sorry custy - your right custy - fetch me fuckin carry me - nothing is tooooo hard for you custy.

i am talking arselick city here.

i can't get over it. your husband is a twat and thats that.

i assume he was there when he created this fucking life he is so bored of?

talk about cake and fucking eat it - with the lithe sexy italian birds on hand whilst wifey and kids can be wheeled out for any corporate event.

i'd tell him to fuck right off - hard shit mate - keep yer job and shut yer gob you fucking life sucking destroying wanker of a selfish fuck up of a man. who thinks of nothing NOTHING but himself and not the children.

lifes hard and boring - tough fucking shit. he is not single
he is not childless

grown ups suck it up and have done. what a cock

kids 1st you shouldnt have to ask

ernest - if by staying in Switzerland the worst happens and your marriage falls apart, then it won't be down to you. It will be down to your husband. As far as I can tell, you have always put your marriage and your children first.

At some point, your husband has to put you and your children first. He has to make the effort as well.

I'm not 100% clear on what you're trying to tell me custy

sorry

i assume he was there when he created this fucking life he is so bored of?

Spot on Custy.

no no custy. You really made me laugh. say it how it is. was really

Would you be able to stay in CH long term without working yourself and him in Italy ?