Regret moving abroad and wish I could return to UK

[BlueBlazerBlack]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I’ll try and keep this short but may end up rambling on a bit…

Almost a year ago we sold our house in the UK and moved abroad. I’d rather not say where we moved to, as I’m worried my post may be outing (I think a couple of people I know here are on Mumsnet).

We moved here mainly for financial reasons, as an opportunity came up for both of us to earn more money, but my husband and I also had ‘itchy feet’ and fancied a change of lifestyle. The kids were 1 and 4 at the time, so we felt that it was a good time to move, before the eldest started school.

However, since we arrived here, not a day goes by where I don’t think fondly back to our life in the UK. I miss our house, our friends and our old routines. I thought I would leave the UK behind with no regrets – I have no family there, I didn’t live there for the first 18 years of my life, and I often felt like a bit of an outsider anyway, due to growing up overseas – but the truth is, it’s taken a move abroad to make me realise how at home I felt before. Here I always feel slightly on edge and out of sorts.

It doesn’t help that I don’t speak the language, and of course I plan on learning it if we end up staying here, but at the moment I don’t have the time or the energy to study. I work part time around school and nursery, and I feel too exhausted to do anything in the evenings (youngest is still waking up several times through the night, and is often up for the day at 6).

I feel like moving here has made our quality of life worse, and not better as I expected. Yes, it’s sunnier, eating out is cheaper, and there is less crime, but there have also been considerable downsides. For one thing, we have moved from a spacious 3-bed house with a small garden and garage, to a cramped 3-bed apartment with a tiny balcony as the only outside space. There is not enough room for our car in the building’s car park, so it has to be parked down the road in a public car park, which is a bit of a pain. The flat is so small that the kids are always on top of each other and we can’t have people to visit or stay. I also find it claustrophobic because I’m used to living in a house with outside space. Most of our stuff is still in storage, including books, toys and clothes, and as silly as it sounds, I really miss having my things around, but there's simply no room for them. Rents are high here and this was already at the top end of our budget, so we won’t be moving soon, unless we decide to buy. However, property is really expensive here and in short supply. Also, most people live in flats and it’s rare to find somewhere with outside space within our budget.

The other thing is that there isn’t really a culture for mums to stay at home. Most mums work full time, and there are no toddler groups, and hardly any classes or activities for pre-schoolers. It is expected that kids will go to full-time day care from a young age. I miss being able to just turn up at a toddler group for a chat and a cuppa. I also miss the camaraderie of mums, being able to have a moan, or organising a night out. In the UK I had lots of friends who were SAHMs or worked P/T, so there was always someone to go for coffee with. Even if I was on my own, I could go to soft play or a church group. There’s nothing like that here because there is simply no demand. The few soft plays here are dead during the week and so too are the parks.

I don’t think we can move back for at least another year, and if we do, I worry that I will struggle to get my eldest into a decent school. I also think he will have a hard time switching to a British school, as the curriculum is so different here. He is really struggling with picking up the language, and the teacher told me he is falling behind, so I’m starting to suspect he may have some mild LDs. The idea of navigating this in a foreign country seems crazy, but it also seems unfair to drag him back to the UK in a year’s time and putting him into Y2.

I don’t really know what to do. I know I should give it at least 2 years to see if I settle, but if I could turn back time, I would go back to the way things were in a heartbeat. I just feel like such a fool for being lured away by money and sunshine. Our life in the UK wasn’t perfect, but we had some good friends, a nice house and the knowledge of how to navigate things.

Does anyone else feel like this? Does it get better with time? What can I do in the short term to get through the next 18 months?

Thanks for reading.

I think you need to enrol on a language course as learning the lingo may help you build connections more easily. You could also try volunteering or teaching English as a foreign language as you don’t necessarily need to speak the language of the country you are in to do that.

Are you able to join a gym or other activities that will bring you into contact with other people.

Try not to fret OP as it will get better in time, as it is still early days. Your child will pick up the language eventually and you could ask a student at a local college to help speed up both yours and his language skills.

Also are there any expat Facebook groups you could join as often social gatherings are arranged via social media.

If you think that you will move to a bigger home eventually, try to stay positive as that will be something for you to plan and look forward to.

Thanks for your reply bevelino, it means a lot.

I know it's early days, but at the moment I can't seem to shake the feeling that we made a mistake, and regret is sort of stopping me from moving on.

I have joined a gym and try to go when I can. Youngest has been poorly quite a lot since starting nursery though, so it's been difficult to get out and about.

I have also joined some groups for expats and that's definitely helped a bit. Though sometimes I do feel the other expats are at different stages in their lives, as they have older or adult children. But you're right, I need to make the effort to socialise.

I can't really fit in learning the language or teaching English at the moment because of work and general exhaustion from having a 2 year old! But hopefully next year if he's sleeping through I'll have more energy and can at least try to learn the lingo by myself.

Thanks again for your kind words

Hi, I’ve been living abroad for nearly 8 years, we moved with our son aged 14 and our daughter stayed in the UK to go to university.

I think a year is a relatively short time and things will probably improve, it’s been hard for you because your baby has been poorly - this is always hard wherever you are though. Maybe it would help to start thinking you CAN go home so you don’t feel so trapped. After 18 months we thought we had to return to the UK and we realised we really didn’t want to!

Good luck, try and reach out to other expats as much as you can, Facebook is good for this I’ve found.

I cannot see how a 4 year old can be falling behind language wise or even curriculum wise, given that the 4 year old started with zero language as you say.

Is your 4 year old in a public school with just 1 language? People often make a fatal mistake of choosing private or bilingual schools with part English, they can however be disastrous for language acquistion. A bit more information, for any suggestions to be made. And is the local language an Indo-European one?

If both of you have jobs then despite feeling badly off you are probably like any family there, the difference being that you haven't got an established network of friends.

I would not worry about your older son, he will pick up the language in no time.

He would be able to pick up everything in English system too if you come back in the next few years.

Concentrate on learning the language as this will help you to feel you belong. Duolingo is free and there are other phone apps too. Listen to the local radio when you are at home.

I d cancel the gym membership a d start immediately with learning the local language, ditto the father if he cannot speak it either. Parents unable to support their children in the local language are at major disadvantage educationally.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

We are in Europe. The region we live in is bilingual, so all local schools teach the kids two languages (not English). So effectively he is trying to learn two languages at once, which adds to the confusion. There are no other English-speaking children in his class, and all the other children are fluent in 1 of the languages but not both. So he's not the only one learning a new language from scratch, but he's the only one who can speak neither of the languages fluently.

He is struggling with writing and with completing some of the worksheets (for instance he cannot complete sequences or copy patterns). We are working on this at home but he is understandably tired from a long day at school, and I don't want to push him too much as he is still young.

The teacher told me he is making progress but has noticed he is not at the same level as the other children his age. I do think a lot of this is due to his aversion to school (he hated going at first) and the language barrier must play a part too. So we agreed to review in a year's time before panicking. I suspect mild ADD or even dyslexia/dysgraphia could be present, but it seems too young to start diagnosing these things.

Emotionally my son and I are both struggling. He also misses his friends from the UK.
DH, on the other hand, loves it here and my youngest is doing well at nursery (when he's well enough to go).

Thanks for all your suggestions, I've only just joined the site and it's been helpful to hear from others who have maybe had similar experiences in the past.
At home we only speak English, so his English is great.

Oh and I should mention that I am fluent in one of the languages taught at the school, so I can at least communicate with the teachers and help my son with this. It's the other language that I don't speak, which is also the one used 'on the streets', as it were.

Interestingly, my parents moved to a European country when I was the same age as my son and they couldn't, and still can't, speak the language fluently. It never caused any problems with my school work, just slight embarrassment haha!

I will enroll in a language course soon though, I think it will help me feel more confident and at east.

Tbh the end of the first year is hard. Once the holiday feeling wears off and you are stuck in the daily grind, unable to communicate and feeling frustrated. I remember crying on plane back from a visit to uk. It does get easier though, you find ways to cope and establish routines. Some day to day language skill such as for doctor, school, post office, really does help. Are there expats in the area, often groups will find language classes they can recommend and social activities with preschoolers. Music groups such as Kindermusik tend to be international. If there is an English speaking school they may run a mums and tots group even if your elder dc goes elsewhere.

@LIZS, I'm off to the UK in the summer for 3 weeks and I'm dreading the flight back already in case I cry!

There are some expats here, and they do have social events and activities on, but I'm quite shy myself and DH is too, so it's a struggle for us to make friends. I also feel like we don't quite fit in with the other expats because we have young kids, are a bit younger ourselves and our kids go to a local school and nursery, and not the international school. Sometimes we simply can't go to the events as they are not suitable for our energetic 2 year old or are on too late in the day. So ultimately despite trying, I feel like we haven't integrated in either the expat community or the local community. Perhaps I'm just expecting too much this early on...

I'm not living abroad but when we go on holidays to Europe, I noticed the locals usually take their DC to the beach and playgrounds in the afternoon/evening.

Try looking for local expat groups with young children.
If you are fluent in one of the languages, it would help your DC to speak this at home.
Listen to local radio and tv. You will pick up phrases.
The local library might be a nice place to find information and meet people.
You mentioned your Church in the UK. Is there a similar Church in your local area where you might meet others in a similar setup?
I hope you settle in and things start to lookup soon.

@BlueBlazerBlack I've sent you a private message.

I think you should stop even thinking about any of the long list of conditions you think your DC may have.

He’s 4, and is trying to learn in a language he doesn’t understand. I’m amazed none of you realise that’s likely to be the cause of his disengagement. Plus he may be picking up on your low mood and feelings about where you’re living.

Honestly? I’d go home.

I can’t see any positives to staying.

If your move was motivated by money but your accommodation is a lot worse then it sounds like you are actually worse off?

I would go home. The list of negatives is so extensive, and in addition some of them do not have any kind of real solution. There is no point in continuing with this if already you are do unhappy, your child is struggling and it sounds really miserable.
If you move back now, you can get your son into a good school from the beginning and pick up your life.
The sense of belonging, a good education, a social network and a happy life is far more important than ‘sticking it out’
Your friends will be delighted to have you back! It was an experience, an experiment, it didn’t work - cut your losses.

It doesn't sound as though your son has learning difficulties, at 4 he is very young many children struggle with writing at that age and expecting him to finish a sentence seems a lot especially as he is also trying to learn 2 new languages I thnk most children would struggle with that. Just be supportive and give him time and ask the school to do the same.
I'm sorry you are finding things difficult ex Pat groups can be very supportive, perhaps you can organise some coffee mornings Mum meet ups through them.
I hope things get better for you, have you told your DH how you feel? Does he feel the same?

Learning difficulties are often over diagnosed in children who are in the process of acquiring a new language. The % is high - something like 30%. So don't go down that route. It's actually statistically much rarer than people think. The difficulties are often confused with eachother.

I agree with others that a year is not long enough to really know if this was a good or bad decision. Holiday vibe is over. Real life is kicking in. It's always a downer. First year is also the hardest and a lot of people flag at this point. Try to stick it out if you can. Two years is a much better indicator than one.

You do need to talk to your husband about how you are feeling though. And also please do have a go at some of the suggestions on here. Good luck. I wish you the best. Living overseas is incredible but it is real life, not a holiday and it isn't for everyone.

Thanks everyone for your kind words and suggestions.

Consensus seems to be that I should give it another year and see how I feel. In the meantime, I will focus on language learning and making friends.

DH agrees that we can move if I'm still unhappy in a year's time, but feels we should give it a proper go or we may regret going back too soon. This would also make more sense financially, as 2 years will give us a better understanding of the cost of living here (we had a lot of costs upfront when moving here, and we will need some time to make that money back).

I have had a really good night's sleep so I'm feeling a bit more positive today.

I also feel a bit more reassured about my son. I really don't want to go down the route of diagnosing who knows what at such a young age, but I've also got to listen to what the teacher is telling me...he will have a different teacher next year so it will be interesting to have a second opinion, as I do worry that this particular teacher is a bit set in her ways.

Cheers everyone :)

Blueblazarblack I think you're being very sensible. I moved myself with DH for work but before kids. I don't think we'll go back to our home country - been away 12 years now. I understand the sense of dislocation. But you're not trapped - see how it goes over the next year. All is not lost.

6 months in I had a major wobble.
Coming back from the summer trip home at 12 months, I was desperately holding back the tears through the airport so the kids didn't see them.

I'll PM you an expat group you may find useful, having made an educated guess about the ciu try you are in.

Hi Op, I'm an ex-pat in a European country where I don't speak the language. I've been here 8 years. My two pre-schoolers were both born here and the eldest gies to a local nursery with only one other english child.

I have wobbles regularly. It's normal.I say give it time. I haven't found mum's groups very helpful but we go to soft play and family friendly beaches when we can. I have been back to the UK for holidays and I didn't get emotional like I thought I would. The grass isn't greener but we need to give the dc extra support with the language and make more of an effort ourselves (same situation with teachers) PM me if you like. Would be happy to offer support.

@mrsnec, haven’t you picked up any of the language in that time?

I’m asking because we are thinking of relocating and have started classes in the relevant language, but I assumed it would get easier once I was immersed in that culture (although almost everyone speaks English there!) .

The first year is hard, the second year you begin to really settle and make friends. You need to learn the language though, we went to an English speaking country so there was no barrier

Hi - sounds like you have a sensible plan to give it a bit more time. But frankly after that if you are still unhappy then move back. There are no badges to be won to be staying where you are unhappy - ok to give something a try and it not work for you. And the longer you leave it the harder it may be to go back