Regret moving abroad and wish I could return to UK

[BlueBlazerBlack]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I’ll try and keep this short but may end up rambling on a bit…

Almost a year ago we sold our house in the UK and moved abroad. I’d rather not say where we moved to, as I’m worried my post may be outing (I think a couple of people I know here are on Mumsnet).

We moved here mainly for financial reasons, as an opportunity came up for both of us to earn more money, but my husband and I also had ‘itchy feet’ and fancied a change of lifestyle. The kids were 1 and 4 at the time, so we felt that it was a good time to move, before the eldest started school.

However, since we arrived here, not a day goes by where I don’t think fondly back to our life in the UK. I miss our house, our friends and our old routines. I thought I would leave the UK behind with no regrets – I have no family there, I didn’t live there for the first 18 years of my life, and I often felt like a bit of an outsider anyway, due to growing up overseas – but the truth is, it’s taken a move abroad to make me realise how at home I felt before. Here I always feel slightly on edge and out of sorts.

It doesn’t help that I don’t speak the language, and of course I plan on learning it if we end up staying here, but at the moment I don’t have the time or the energy to study. I work part time around school and nursery, and I feel too exhausted to do anything in the evenings (youngest is still waking up several times through the night, and is often up for the day at 6).

I feel like moving here has made our quality of life worse, and not better as I expected. Yes, it’s sunnier, eating out is cheaper, and there is less crime, but there have also been considerable downsides. For one thing, we have moved from a spacious 3-bed house with a small garden and garage, to a cramped 3-bed apartment with a tiny balcony as the only outside space. There is not enough room for our car in the building’s car park, so it has to be parked down the road in a public car park, which is a bit of a pain. The flat is so small that the kids are always on top of each other and we can’t have people to visit or stay. I also find it claustrophobic because I’m used to living in a house with outside space. Most of our stuff is still in storage, including books, toys and clothes, and as silly as it sounds, I really miss having my things around, but there's simply no room for them. Rents are high here and this was already at the top end of our budget, so we won’t be moving soon, unless we decide to buy. However, property is really expensive here and in short supply. Also, most people live in flats and it’s rare to find somewhere with outside space within our budget.

The other thing is that there isn’t really a culture for mums to stay at home. Most mums work full time, and there are no toddler groups, and hardly any classes or activities for pre-schoolers. It is expected that kids will go to full-time day care from a young age. I miss being able to just turn up at a toddler group for a chat and a cuppa. I also miss the camaraderie of mums, being able to have a moan, or organising a night out. In the UK I had lots of friends who were SAHMs or worked P/T, so there was always someone to go for coffee with. Even if I was on my own, I could go to soft play or a church group. There’s nothing like that here because there is simply no demand. The few soft plays here are dead during the week and so too are the parks.

I don’t think we can move back for at least another year, and if we do, I worry that I will struggle to get my eldest into a decent school. I also think he will have a hard time switching to a British school, as the curriculum is so different here. He is really struggling with picking up the language, and the teacher told me he is falling behind, so I’m starting to suspect he may have some mild LDs. The idea of navigating this in a foreign country seems crazy, but it also seems unfair to drag him back to the UK in a year’s time and putting him into Y2.

I don’t really know what to do. I know I should give it at least 2 years to see if I settle, but if I could turn back time, I would go back to the way things were in a heartbeat. I just feel like such a fool for being lured away by money and sunshine. Our life in the UK wasn’t perfect, but we had some good friends, a nice house and the knowledge of how to navigate things.

Does anyone else feel like this? Does it get better with time? What can I do in the short term to get through the next 18 months?

Thanks for reading.

Here’s something I heard recently - when thinking about a hard decision (like whether you need to stick it out or whether you can go back to the UK) instead of making pro and con type lists (which can just lead you into endless round-and-round mental ruminations), try thinking about the situation in terms of what gives you energy and what drains your energy.

So for example, you might list under energy-givers: sunshine, chatting to other mums over a coffee, playing with your kids or whatever, and under energy-drainers might be worrying about money, struggling with a language, being at home by yourself with the children for too long etc.

It might not lead you to a decision one way or another but it might help you realise ways to make your life better regardless of whether you stay or leave, or it might make it more clear to you what is really going to be right for you.

If you decide that the UK is the next right step for you (and getting your son into a school is perfectly doable, although may well be stressful until it’s finalised) then my advice would be to do it sooner rather than later (the longer you stay the harder it will be to leave) and try not to let your husband convince you to just give it another year or something similar as you may then end up building major resentment which could be very toxic for your relationship.

Either way, if you’re almost certain you’re staying for the next year, I would find what you can to make things easier and more fun for you - little excursions, visits from friends, good small treats (not like sweet stuff, more like long baths or trashy novels or time in a park or whatever works for you), put effort into finding favourite spots to eat or walk or do a hobby. I think your situation sounds pretty tough - small kids, new place, no support network - so be kind to yourself and recognise you’re doing well to be navigating all that.

I lived overseas, and feeling homesick was part and parcel of living there. It would come and go, like a wave for a short burst every few months and then disappear.

I loved my life there, I loved everything about it, so the homesickness was easier to bear.

Could I have done it in a cramped apartment with dc, and not have any friends or know the language. No not in the long term, and probably not for the short term either.

You are yet to hit peak summer with the heat, or the dreary winter yet too. See how you feel when you are back in the summer and take it from there. You may find you feel differently then.

I think it depend on the location and the language
Over here it's a difficult language to learn with a different alphabet. I know the letters and can read the words but don't know what they all mean. Everyone normally speaks english. If you try and speak the local language you often get a reply in english or you could be speaking to someone who isn't local anyway. I live rurally and so the only people I speak to in our local language are my dd's teacher and our neighbour.

I studied French to A-level and I lived in Spain and picked up Spanish very easily and I assumed I would pick up the language here as easily. I learnt Spanish almost by osmosis! So yes full immersion in the language works in some places but not everywhere. It's not a deciding factor about general life over here because it's so easy for ex-pats to settle here compared to other places.

Sometimes I feel isolsted but it's really good advice about how things make you feel.

We moved back after a year (it was a 1 year contract but could have been transferred on). It's nice to be back for all the reasons you say. But I know I could have made it good in our new country too. Part of me will always regret not staying but DH was adamant about going home.

Hi everyone,
Just thought I'd pop back to this thread, to thank you all for your comments. I wasn't expecting so many replies, and your words of encouragement have really helped me put things in perspective.
This week I managed to get two things sorted at the local government office, so I'm feeling quite pleased with myself. They don't speak English but I managed to make myself understood with the basic lingo I can speak. I was dreading going in, because I know how difficult the bureaucracy can be, but they were surprisingly efficient.
We are going back to the UK over summer, so it will be interesting to see how I feel then...

Well done OP! I know how that feels. Struggled with paperwork for ages and finaly got permenant residency here recently. The feeling of accomplishment was immense!

Keep an open mind and have a great holiday in the UK. I had a couple of bad experiences when I went back. Took dd to soft play and none of the other mums would talk to me and found some shop staff unbelieveably rude. I think I had too high expectations. Having said that, two of my friends moved back recently because they thought it would be better for the dc in terms of education and both settled back in straight away and it was by far the best thing for their families.

I hope your time in the UK helps you get perspective and weigh up the differences.

I moved to Germany a year ago with 2 small kids. I think I know what country you are in (we had an option of this country but rejected it because of the high living costs and 2 languages!). The first year IS hard, even without those factors.

However when I went back to the UK after several months here, I found myself desperate go get back home to Germany! I'd got used to the space and the cleanliness and found my old hometown a bit grubby and shabby.

Here, we have an option for "sprachförderung" which is essentially someone to come into school/kindergarten and help my child with the language. My kindergarten didn't tell me, I had to for it. Have you asked if there is any language support for the kids?

Also, I am very lucky in that I found a huge network of English-speaking expats. Maybe try a Facebook search of "English speakers of " and see what it yields?

In the early days, if I overhead anyone speaking English at the park, shops, tram etc. I would make a beeline for them! Without my expat friends I would have found it a lot harder, so I hope you can find some support.

Hi - just found this thread. I wanted to add a bit of encouragement re language acquisition and kids. They do pick up languages easily, but it doesn’t happen overnight. I remember moving to Germany, ds going to a German childminder, picking up German then going into a French school and starting from scratch with French - he barely said a word in school in his first year though he never stopped talking at home and is naturally a very chatty person. He got there in the end, but you (and his teachers) have to accept it’s going to take him a bit longer than those children who are already speaking those languages at home. My DD is taking her French Bac this week - ds will follow in two years - friends at home say how lucky they are and how easy it has been, but acquiring a new language is never easy. You have more opportunities to practice and perfect when you are immersed, but it still requires a degree of effort all round. Is it easy? No. Is it worth it? Yes. And as someone who moved abroad for DH's job and has moved around with that job I would say other countries are not better - just different. My favourite place is always the place where I am living. And I am willing to bet that when you return to the UK on your holiday in the summer there will be things you miss about your new home.

Hi @BlueBlazerBlack - it was very strange reading your op - it could have been me writing it, right down to the small details about where you are. Except I've been here seven years. I'm very lonely and would love love love someone to have coffee and wine with so if, by any chance, you are also in the part of the world where people say agur and the cider flows freely then pm me and let's do something!

Hi OP, how did this end up going? I am in exactly the same position and need to make a decision soon as to when / if to call it quits.