I'm Irish. My husband is South African. We've lived in SA for 5 years and are very happy although we are not sure about the future and so we are renting.
We lived first on a farm near Hermanus and now in a suburban area of Cape Town.
We have no bars on our windows and no security company or spiked gates. We do lock our cars into the driveway at night and are probably more alert about personal security than we would be in Ireland. We have never been victims of crime and I would say that fear of crime in no way dictates how we live. We take the dog for a walk, the kids to the beach, the nannies take the babies around the neighbourhood in the pram etc.
Our three kids were all born here - a 3yo and baby twins. The 3yo goes to a lovely local preschool and we, like most parents, walk him there without fear. The babies are at home with two nannies, who are paid well over the going rate and love their jobs. There are a number of families with young kids on out street and all are to be seen playing out on a summer evening, albeit with a parent in view. Mainly to watch for cars, not kidnappers.
Primary schools are excellent. I don't know how secondary schools match up internationally and I don't know if we will still be here at that point. Matric is the school-leaving exam and the pass marks are shockingly low to make the pass rates look good. University courses seem to be subject to lecturer brain-drain (ie emigration of some of the best) and similar dumbing-down.
I have far better working hours than I would have at home so making the most of this plus the nanny-childcare option. I work with two Americans among others who are both married to SA guys and are both happy here.
I've never lived in Jo'burg although I've spent time there, but I notice that most leisure activities seem to revolve around shopping malls, restaurants and socializing at friends' homes, which must be very repetitive. One bonus of Jo'burg is proximity to wildlife reserves, however.
In Cape Town we have more outdoor space and the beach.
Cost of living is relatively high. Rents are expensive. Groceries are expensive. Petrol is expensive.
Some white South Africans are bitter, entitled, negative and downright weird. Many emigrants are like this. They feel a need to justify their leaving by telling everyone how nightmarish it is here.
I absolutely acknowledge that this is a country experiencing severe inequity, violence and an uncertain future. There is significant political and industrial mismanagement of e.g. utilities and it is hard to see a secure, prosperous and improving future. I also acknowledge that there is a possibility of violence on a daily basis but it is quite possible to live here without being racked by fear, and not necessarily in a gilded cage either.