Family obligations when you're the one who has moved away

[OlennasWimple]

Not a TAAT, as I was already thinking about Christmas plans when the thread in active about whether to fly 15 hours with two toddlers to spend Christmas with a sister came up.

I found the thread quite upsetting TBH - so many people saying "well, she's the one who moved away, she should be the one who travels every year for ever and ever and ever". It's obviously very personal for me, as we are the bit of the family that moved overseas and we have diligently gone home every Christmas (at significant expense, hassle and sacrifice) so far.

Is this the generally accepted rule of thumb? That anyone who moves from the family home, never mind overseas, is committing to a life time of travelling at high days and holidays or being seen as selfish and entitled?

No experience but I would offer alternate Christmas visits.
Yanbu to want to have festivities at home!!

We're in a similar boat albeit we don't have kids yet. Marking my place to see what others say.

It's a difficult one.

I think it depends really on your family situation.

If, for example, Christmas is usually at your parents house, and you / DH / children, plus your siblings, grandparents, auntie Barbara and uncle John all go there, plus you also go and see DH's family over the Christmas period, then it's asking a lot of them to travel to you.

If it's just your parents, then it's fair to ask them to alternate with you.

Nowhere near as far away as you (just the other end of the UK) but we offer alternating years. If people don't want to travel on 'our' years then we have a rather glorious Christmas doing whatever we please

We split Christmas between families. Every other year we go to Denmark. In the years between my family come to us.

There is no hard and fast rule. It's what each family can afford.

Do what is right for your family and circumstances (and finances) I find going back to the UK for Christmas is expensive, and loaded with expectation that just means more arguments and usually leaves me wondering wtf we bothered!

We've often gone back for an early Christmas in November (thanksgiving in the US so more time off) My family are pretty laid back tho, and its more about catching up than actual christmas

We don't go home at xmas and usually go on holiday. We have a small family and are happy to pay for people to come to us, but dh's parents go to his sister every year (and have always done so, even when we lived in the UK) and my mum goes to her brother's. I don't really bother asking them anymore.
Happy to be away from the madness that is Xmas in the Uk and if people think I am selfish and entitled - so be it.

Well. Sort of yes, right. You don’t HAVE to go back but you can’t expect other people to travel to you at great expense to them.

We live about 18 hours away from both sets of parents and about 7-8 hours away from both sets of siblings. We always head back because it was our choice to move. We have in the past paid for our parents’ plane tickets as well because one ticket is cheaper than four. But broadly speaking yes, if you emigrate and want to see family regularly then you will have to make the effort, I am afraid.

We can’t afford it so we just don’t do it. And if MIL wants to come here we always offer to pay her single fare. She’s currently lamenting she hasn’t met our youngest but fails to see how much easier and cheaper it is for 1 person to fly than a family of 5

Well, in some regards it is a "selfish" choice, but it's one you're quite entitled to make if you feel it's in your best interests, which you presumably did. But it's a choice that has downsides too, which you need to calculate in when you move.

Yes, it's expensive and a hassle to travel back home to see family. It's often just as expensive and even more hassle for those family members to travel to see you (as if you have several family members living in one city, your chances are much better of having a free place to stay).

If you don't want to come home every Christmas, that's fair enough, and I don't think you should get a hard time from your extended family. But I honestly do think it's a bit much to expect your family members to travel to you for Christmas. It's delightful if they choose to. But you shouldn't expect them to.

Also, when your parents get older and less capable and the majority of help/care inevitably falls to the family members who live close to them, you may not feel as hard done by, all things considered.

I’m the one who moved away. My choice entirely. I don’t think it’d be fair to ask them to come spend time somewhere they have no interest in ever visiting. Why should they? I mean, I’d be fine if they did, but I’d also be a bit perplexed.

Equally, I have no interest in flying for hours at huge expense and risking delays due to weather, just because it’s 25 December. So, I go back with my family once or twice a year, at a time that suits everyone and when flights cost half or a third as much. Everyone wins.

Bucking the trend, we’re on the west coast of the US and have gone back for Christmas 2/6 times since we moved. My parents usually fly to us on or around Christmas but this year we’ll be in the U.K. end of November so they’re staying out and coming out in the spring instead. DH’s family have never visited - it ends up being who can afford it and whether it works timing wise

I haven't lived within 300 miles of my family in 30 years. When I was in the same continent I usually went back every other xmas, and often they would come to me. Now I'm in Australia it isnt a consideration at all, although I'm hoping to get my mum out at Xmas once (she worries it will be too hot for her then). Call it selfish if you like, but its just not practical.

We're the ones who moved and although it does feel a little unfair to be the default travellers sometimes, I see it as just one con to the majority pros we have living overseas. However, we now have a second child which makes travelling more unwieldy so family will need accept they will probably see us less from now on. I don't expect them to visit so I don't feel obligated to myself, IYSWIM.

I was the one who moved - I married a soldier so we moved away from the family and then moved again ( and again) every few years. For the first few years I religiously went back to my parents for high days and holidays, and they always expected it . Their comment was always " And when a re YOU going to visit US again dear ?" as if that was the only option. When I mildly suggested that maybe they could travel to see us instead, they'd actually say "Oh but it's such a long way !" as if that only applied to them and not me.

Once I had the children it became unaffordable for us to travel like that - sometimes I'd take the children on my own but mainly we just didn't go. I got quite good at saying " It would have been nice to see you but I just can't afford it " and leave it at that.

We never go to family for Christmas - we do see them each summer. But then the weather is usually better, kids have longer holidays so less rush/time to recover from jet lag, easier for working family to take time off without juggling other commitments.
Christmas is spent just the 4 of us, on a beach with very few Christmas trappings - we love it.

My uncle emigrated to Canada with his family in the 1970s and came back once or twice a year for decades. My GPs went over three or four times in that time (but never at Christmas-too cold). There was never any expectation that they go but nice if they did. My uncle was the one that moved his family so far so the onus was on him. They had a really strong relationship with my cousins though, as did I, because we saw them often.

In contrast my BIL has been in Canada for about 15 years but rarely comes back. PIL have been about 3 times but their health issues make insurance costs prohibitive. They've seen their grandchildren 4 or 5 times and have had to accept that they don't have a relationship with them which is sad.

Several other examples through extended family so yes, it appears the onus is on those that emigrated (not necessarily at Christmas though due to cost and weather) if you want to keep up a relationship.

We have the added issue that getting visas to visit here is an absolute pain.
So, very few people visit us. My Mum comes out once every 18 months. Dad has been once. PiL have been once.
DH has only had once Xmas off in the 5 we've been here. So, once we all went back to the UK, sometimes we are all here (with him working 25/12), sometimes I take the kids without him.

We more take the attitude that we moved, and therefore there is stuff we miss, because we decide the travel isn't worth it (either money or time or event or a mixture). But since we live is a pretty miserable place, getting out is usually quite attractive, even if it does mean travelling for 18hrs with 2 Kids!

I would love to take my kids back every year but we can't justify the expense. I am lucky my parents come out for 4+months to escape the irish winter.

We don’t go back for Christmas but I visit each year and my parents come to us once a year.

I come from a family where moving around and living in different countries is the norm. So it would be very odd for one family member to decide that the world should revolve around him/her and that he/she didn’t need to travel to see other family members.

I'm of a much older generation and when we moved away, we weren't able to keep in touch except by letter or an expensive emergency phone call and we went back every few years.

And my older sister is in the fight against climate change, so she will never take a plane again.

We didn’t go back at Christmas as it was DH’s busiest time at work & the office worked right up to 3pm on Christmas Eve & then reopened on 27th. My dad’s business was full on as well. They came out to spend Christmas with us once we had 2 dc and then we moved back to the UK. We had an expat contract so 2 business class flights back to the UK each were paid & my mum used to come out twice a year as she liked where we lived a lot.

We're the ones who moved away. Yes, we do go "home" every year, but not for Christmas as the roads to the airport (~5.5 hours drive in the summer) are abysmal in winter.

Depends on your situation too, how close are you (in relationship not distance), is there other close family nearby.
I was the one that moved, from continental Europe to UK. As a student I always went home. As young professionals DH and I travelled together and alternated families (about same distance in opposite directions). We travelled once or twice when DD1 was tiny, alternating again, but when DD2 arrived we stayed at home, an invitation was extended to all (we get on and have a spare room) That first family Christmas it was just the 4 of us. My in-laws have since visited many times. We've been to my parents once, when the kids were a bit older. We make sure we see family at least once a year, and they tend to come here once a year too. Our respective siblings and their families are nowhere near our parents either so we've not seen them at Christmas for a long long time.
Talk about it, be honest about time, costs, effort so everyone knows what's going on. Travelling in winter is fraught with difficulties. I'm sometimes amazed at hearing on MN the pressures being put on people to spend the day together.