Family obligations when you're the one who has moved away

[OlennasWimple]

Not a TAAT, as I was already thinking about Christmas plans when the thread in active about whether to fly 15 hours with two toddlers to spend Christmas with a sister came up.

I found the thread quite upsetting TBH - so many people saying "well, she's the one who moved away, she should be the one who travels every year for ever and ever and ever". It's obviously very personal for me, as we are the bit of the family that moved overseas and we have diligently gone home every Christmas (at significant expense, hassle and sacrifice) so far.

Is this the generally accepted rule of thumb? That anyone who moves from the family home, never mind overseas, is committing to a life time of travelling at high days and holidays or being seen as selfish and entitled?

I didn’t read the other thread.
We moved away. It’s been 8 years and we moved for various reasons but subconsciously to get away from DH’s family. We have only been able to afford to come back twice. MIL comes out every year and my parents have been 3 times and are coming again at Christmas. My sister is coming with them with her family. There is no expectation on our side that people visit and I don’t think there is on my family’s side either.
At the end of the day, we chose to move so we can’t expect people to travel halfway across the world to visit.
I do worry about future resentment as our parents get older. We’re unlikely to be in a position to fly home regularly so any issues are on our siblings.

I'm the one who moved away. I didn't move that far, just a couple of hours on a plane. It's possible to drive and use the channel tunnel, in about 14 hours. I go back with the kids in the summer holidays, sometimes in one of the shorter spring or autumn holidays. I never go back to my parents' for Christmas or anyone's birthday or any other high day or festival.

I live in a country where schools break up at the last minute, usually on the 23rd, so travel would be a royal pita. There is also the fact I don't like how my parents do Christmas - it's very, very ritualised. Not going to church with them would cause upset and drama and lead to emotional blackmail. My mother gets very stressed if everything isn't "just so". The whole day has to follow a drawn out plan, involving making everyone including children wait to open presents and doing it v e r y s l o w l y.

I broke the tradition of always dutifully schlepping back to my parental home at Christmas for the first time when I was 18 and off travelling though, and although it was expected when I was in the same country (and I spent years doing 5 hour Christmas eve train journeys) I broke it again when we got married, and didn't do it when our first child was born either. We lived in the UK then.

I haven't lived closer than a 3 hour journey from my parents since a couple of weeks after my 18th birthday, and had lived abroad for periods of a year or so various times when younger and child free before moving permanently with a family.

Work and childcare allowing (as would be the issue if I lived elsewhere in the UK) I'd "nip" (though travel either end and waits in airports wipes out most of a day despite only being a short flight) to the parental home in a family emergency such as a parental health crisis. It's dragging the whole family to theirs for Christmas that I won't do.

I do worry about future resentment as our parents get older. We’re unlikely to be in a position to fly home regularly so any issues are on our siblings.

I see this from both sides. So we needed to care for DM (she lived with us) whilst DB and his family were 3 hours away. But when she was younger, we had the benefit on local babysitters, on-hand help and advice. Two way street.

We moved away, only a few hours flight into Europe from Uk, so relatively close.

Family always seem to want us to travel and not them. Its slightly annoying to be honest. When we lived in the Uk we lived a 2 hour drive away and still it was on us to visit, rather than them us.

We do go back to the Uk often, probably 6+ times per year. but its tedious. Mine and dhs family are spread out opposite directions so a weeks visit involves huge drives 6+hours between our parents also.

Also our family all live in houses or flats with just enough space for them, which is fine. But means we spend a week on sofa and camp beds, squashed, and laking sleep. We have several spare bedrooms at ours and lots of space due to location, so it would be far easier for us to host.

When somebody does visit, it involves us having to look up every flight possible, booking, organising how to hire a car etc, and then the complaints on how far away we are and what a long travel they had. Which of course we have to do ourselves multiple times a year. (its a 2.5hr flight, followed by a 1.5hr drive or train, so not god awful)

I doubt we will continue as many visits when we have children as their own homes simply too cramped, and we will then have to add in hotel costs

As PP says, it depends on your situation ( and of course the finances and logistics) . It also depends on your family and the importance that you place on these occasions and relationships. Don't forget that situations change as well ; marriages end, GPS die, babies are born. It won't be for ever and ever and it doesn't HAVE to be Christmas but it isn't really alright to expect family members to spend money and time Visiting you just b cause you chose to move away. The distance from family will have been one of the factors you weighed up. In our family my DSis and her DH travel on alternate years to visit family at Christmas. They take the opportunity to spend a good amount of time with family as a holiday. On the alternate year they choose where they would like family holiday and have Xmas with the local family. It works well. Obviously they are missed terribly by the distant relations but this is the best they can do. DC are now late teens/ early 20s and they have kept the pattern up for all these years.Occasionally, for family illness and bereavement, DBil has had to go over alone in between but this has been rare.

I think it completely depends on how many people you want to see at Christmas.
We are overseas (although luckily not too far) and I now don't think we will be having Christmas in our own house for the foreseeable future. This is because we need to see both sets of parents plus DH's grandparents plus siblings and friends etc. It wouldn't even occur to me not to go back really, but if you only have one or two people you want to see then it is reasonable to expect them to come to you every other year. It's not about who "chose" to move away and I definitely don't think you should feel pressured just because you moved away from where you grew up!

We moved overseas and have never been back for Christmas and don't intend to. (DH has never been back to visit at all!)
If family (adult DC) want to visit us, they're welcome to but I imagine they'd prefer to spend the few days off work they get, in their own home.
If you want to saddle yourself with rigid rules, knock yourself out, otherwise, just sort out a compromise on a regular basis.

We've been away over 10 yrs and only been back for Christmas once. It's not expected and no-one gives us a hard time about it. Neither of us can always guarantee the time off anyway.

We are the ones who tend to make the trip - we have no kids and more disposable income than a lot of our family. My mum's been over a few times. DH's family haven't visited at all.

We’re the ones who moved away and for the first 6 years, we went ‘home’ for Christmas. For the last two years, now we’ve got two children, we’ve stayed here and it’s been great. I have made it quite clear to my family that they are more than welcome to come here at any time, including Christmas - we have plenty of space and we live in a popular holiday spot. But it’s amazing excuses they come up with. It’s so expensive, it’s a long way, it’s a lot of hard work etc etc. And I think yeah I know, i did it for 6 years...

For me, personally, if you chose to move away and you want to spend Christmas together as a family, the onus is on you to travel. You made the decision to move away, not the rest of your family.

I say this as someone who has one set of parents living abroad and this is a slightly contentious subject in our family. My parents are divorced and I've spent my life travelling for Christmas and New Year between the different sets of parents, and when one set immigrated, I put my foot down and said no, I'm having Christmas in my own home and I'm not travelling for once.

I think it is unreasonable to expect anyone to travel to a different country, especially at Christmas where everything is expensive as it is. If the shoe was on the other foot and I immigrated, I wouldn't expect people to travel to see me. As I've had to point out to one set of parents, you made the choice to move away, not me.

I know plenty of people may disagree with me, but having been torn and forced to travel for years to appease others, I won't do it anymore. Having said that, I hope everyone has the Christmas they're hoping for 

We moved abroad when I was 9 and went home for Christmas once. DM swore never to do it again and never insisted on me and my family coming to her later on. MiL still insists to a Christmas visit though. She gets it every few years.

Thank you for all the responses here.

We have pretty much decided to stay put this year (just the four of us on the beach, like yakari ), in part because we can't really afford the trip back again this year and partly because I realised last year that I was resenting that we spent £000s on flights, hire car, winter clothes (the DC have grown out of anything warm that we had before we moved) in order to sleep on an assortment of sofa beds and blow up mattresses, use up a good chunk of DH's holiday and returned home exhausted from driving miles around the country and the emotional drain of saying goodbye again to loved ones over and over and over

Olenna - agree. We will spend xmas here alone, skiing and eating whatever is local. I am happy as larry with that. The offer is open if anyone chooses to join us.

We never travelled back to the UK for Christmas, but one year we met up with family at an in-between location, we paid for the in-laws hotel as they are not cash rich.

We were visited at Christmas a couple of times and they were happy to do that as a nice holiday for them. There was no expectation or obligation on any side.

Have to add that although we tend not to go home for Christmas, we try to ensure my parents don’t spend anything if they come to us as they’ve already forked out on flights. We also go home every summer to see everyone so hope that makes up a little for us not doing a U.K. Christmas

We have my dsis and her family coming over. We have given our air tickets to them, so they get to see a new city and we are spared traveling. I am really excited and have everything crossed for snow for them.

Pretty much- yeah. I moved. My family can't afford to or are well enough to travel 24hrs on a plane- so I do because I'm the one who left, and I miss them.

My family live 1.5 hours away. Never spend Christmas with them, always spend it with friends. No one cares. We all want to be in our own homes and beds!

Even when we lived in the same country, after we had kids, we operated loosely on a one year with the in-laws, one year with mine, and then one on our own, which ultimately became we'd stay at ours and anyone who wanted to was very welcome, with very occasionally going to theirs because of . . . erm. . . complications. Families. Nuff said.

Now we're in the UK, I've said we're not going back to NZ for at least two years, to give us the chance/force us all to get embedded and comfortable in life here.

When we do go back to NZ, it will be fitting in around the school holidays here, so we won't be going for Christmas, but for the summer vacation.

Our parents are older, we're hoping we can get them out here for at least one visit each, especially the one who came from here, and could catch up with her family, but we'll just have to see how it goes. And yes, we're very mindful of the reality that siblings are the ones bearing the brunt of the parents getting older. It's amazing just what a difference being diligent about keeping in touch makes - both to the parent and the sibling!

We currently live in Asia, PIL are in Europe, DM & SD, and DF and SM are in North America (about a six hour drive away from each other).
All 3 sets of grandparents visit us once a year, and we alternate going back in the summer. I know we are very lucky. DB has never visited although plans to this year and SIL has visited once in 8 years.

Our first few years away we went home every summer and Christmas until I got fed up of travelling and said that if we are going to spend all our holidays away, we might as well move home. The last straw was a horrible Christmas flying from Asia to NA with sick 2 year old dd2 and having a series of delayed flights turning a 24 hour journey into a 35 hour journey. Never again.

I feel bad for our dcs that they aren't growing up with cousins the way dh and I did, but they are getting a lot of other experiences that we didn't have. Family and friends know they are welcome to visit us and luckily we don't have people in our lives who complain about us being far away,

I feel bad for our dcs that they aren't growing up with cousins the way dh and I did, but they are getting a lot of other experiences that we didn't have

Yes, I have to remind myself of this too.

For goodness sakes. It's supposed to be a thing people WANT to do (getting together), not an obligation. All people involved should be making an effort. The idea that that ones who moved away are in some way responsible for keeping the family connected is ridiculous.