My dc are miserable

[Goosegettingfat]

We are only 3 months in, they are v little (5 and 7) and don't speak the language. I speak it basically and have been supporting them in this. The school have been below what I would have hoped for in terms of pastoral care and support. Dc have not made friends at all and are very sad. It's breaking my heart. Drop off time is a large window of time so I hardly see any other mums to try to build bridges with, and the ones I do see are polite but busy. I have found after school clubs for us to go to together but they don't want to, and I can understand their feelings. Any tips?

First question, are you (all) taking language lessons?

Second question - how long are you planning to stay there?

That's reasonable. No, I'm afraid to say we're not. Well, dh's work provide them for him but he didn't speak a word when we arrived here. Money is tight while we're here (for another 14 months) and I'm not sure we could afford lessons for me and the kids. And I'm not sure I could force them to do classes (if there were any children's ones) when they've just been fully immersed in the language at school each day

Are there any other expats / clubs for expats you could get in touch with via dh work or can the school recommend any? Are you planning on returning home at the end of this post or moving elsewhere?

Can you find some English speaking children for the odd play date? Maybe see I there is an American woman’s club (they seem to organise more than their English counterparts in the three countries we’ve lived in but are usually open to all). Depending on how long you’re staying they’ll obviously have to pick up the language eventually but I’ve found having other children to call friends made the biggest difference in the short term.

Plus, and this sounds a bit mean, I’d try and cut contact with friends at home until things are more settled. Otherwise it’s just a reminder of what they are missing.

Oh are you only there 14months? I’d just try to invest in the expat community then and not worry too much about it. Not necessarily just English and American either, I’m in Germany and have lots of Dutch friends with good English.
Your kids will pick up enough of the language for the playground but you don’t have to worry about them fully integrating if you’re not staying long term.

Will you say where you are op? There might be people there with ideas for expat clubs/links.
Meanwhile hang on in there- my DD took around 4 months at a mandarin speaking school before she understood a bit and made some friends. Be positive to them and don't talk about home

Ok. 14 months isn't very long.
I'd immerse yourself in an expat community (South Africians, Australians and South Americians make up much of my friendship group), and deal with the school. If it's really that bad at the end of this school year, coukd you home ed for a year?
Any Facebook groups for your area? I can send you some Facebook links for generic expat groups, if you'd like?

Are you staying for the summer, or getting away?

It WILL pass. You WILL move on

Thank you for kind replies everyone. Has cheered me up a bit. Of course you're right. 14 months isn't long. Except it is to small dc. There is NO expat community here. I mean not. a. Soul. Actually there is a US army base not too far away, but they sort of have little America there and in spite of my efforts, do not want to socialize beyond. I have exhausted every other damn avenue as an experienced expat but nothing. Homeschooling is illegal. Otherwise i absolutely would consider it.

I think I'm in the same country as you Goose but I have a feeling you're in the east and I'm way over in the West. Unless I'm wrong and you're close by?

I'm in southeast germany opals. I don't think that can be too outing. And I don't really care if it is right now. This morning was awful. Monday mornings are always the worst. My little dd was fighting back tears when I said bye, asking if I could come and collect them early. She's v tough and hardly ever cries. Now she cries at anything. In uk she couldn't wait to get to school every morning and used to moan about it being the weekend. I did a great job of holding it together until I got to the car park, where I called DH and sobbed down the phone at him. Which isn't really fair as he's trying to work. It's only 14 months, we're very lucky to have this income and opportunity. I need to pull my shit together. But god sometimes i feel like i might be psychologically damaging them and my heart breaks a bit.

Do you need to be there? Germany is not that far. If it was me I’d have stayed at home and flown to Germany once a month and during holidays and have dog come home once a month or even twice on occasion. If money allowed if course. Will they have to come home and settle back in again with friends?

Dog== DH!!!! 🙈

Are you there as part of a wider company group? Would the employer pay for lessons? Could you look for an English speaking school, such as with the American base? Are you near the British Army bases out there?

Take it one day at a time, May is great as there’s lots of long weekends — so short weeks in school. I’m in NRW and it took quite a while for us to feel settled, we’ve been here 10 years now, but lots of ups and downs to start with.

Is DD2 in kindergarten or grundschule? Is she’s 5 she doesn’t need to be in school so could you look at removing her if it’s that bad? Or are your DDs in international school? If so, join all the groups you can through that and work out which one suits.

AWC is also worth a try, you don’t need to be American to join, it wasn’t for me, but may be at least an ‚in‘ to something more social.

Have you any language lessons, settling in assisatance from DHs work? Use everything they offer......

Have you looked at Toytown for any local English speaking groups? They’re most active in Bayern/München, but that’s how I met up with other expat mums when I needed support (admittedly about two years in).

Are you ina village or a town? There may well be people looking to learn English in a ‚tandem‘ setting, so you get German in return — might be worth a look?

It does get better, but if you need to rant feel free to pm me.

Agree with pp, do you and DC have to be there? 14 months is not very long in adult terms but it is very long in small DC terms.

If you do have to be there then I recommend finding a retired English teacher (ask at the school) who will help you and DC with some extra lessons and stop you feeling so lonely. I have been there OP.

If you are only there for 14 months can you swerve school somehow? Your 5 year old does not have to go for sure until she is 6. Can you officially leave and then just drop out for a while? I see that money is tight so that makes things difficult but what about extended holidays with grandparents / relatives, punctuated by holidays with Daddy? We have had two moves while the children were little where we dropped out for a while, 9 months and 6 months. It was a little isolating without friends but we did lots of visiting.

Thank you for your replies. I have been pondering them. Basically our situation is:

No support from dh's work- we are the only brits here and so they're not really used to providing relocation support in practical terms.

I am 1hr away from any sort of expat network, which is not impossible but realistically too far for socializing. And I am confident that's how far away an expat network is- i have hit toytown, Facebook, awc- you name it. The only exception is I'm nearer an American army base. I have joined all their fb groups but despite my best efforts I haven't managed to get a play date with anyone with kids near the same age as mine. I think the base is fairly self contained and people don't socialize much off it.
I could opt dd2 (5) out of school. I haven't ruled it out. It would be tough on me (as I feel spread rather thin already, looking after Ds (1), making 3 family meals-DH comes home for lunch as well as the kids obvs- and doing all the housework, although DH pitches in a bit, trying to organize cheering afternoon excursions for the kids and keeping up the uk reading writing and maths), tough on dd1 (6) who is a little less miserable than dd2 and can't opt out of school and of course tough on dd1 with no one to play with for a year. I wish to god I'd opted to stay in uk with the kids. At the time it seemed like keeping the family together was in everyone's best interests. Also I really don't see how we could afford to run 2 households. You're right, i should try harder to become fluent in German, I just don't feel up to it at the moment.

I know I sound whingey and negative. It will get better. I just need to keep it together

We are here if you need a moan.

I used Bach Flowers when we moved.. Walnut and mimilus for everyone. I had a mix I kept in the car and then one day I left the house and didn't need it!!
bachflowerswithhelen.com/history/bach-flowers-life-changes/

What have you got planned for the summer? Invite lots of people to visit if you can. Don't stress too much about English maths and reading. . read books for fun, sure and times tables on car journeys if you must but you all have enough on your plates and you can catch up when things are calmer.

Do you have English TV? (unlocator.com) and do fun stuff at home too rather than too many afternoon outings. As the weather gets better, get yourself set up for afternoons in the park if you have one nearby... hopefully your kids will make friends that way.

I have three children too and I understand what spread thinly looks like!! Easy meals, ignore your husband and treat yourself!

Where do you go next? If it's back to the UK, keep in touch with friends from home and plan trips back. If it's somewhere else, tell us and let's see if any of us are in your next location.

Hang in there... it is tough... you will survive.

Haven't read all the posts so don't know if someone's already suggested but there is a forum called
Expactforum

Two fat expats is probably the best expat facebook page I've seen. Someone on there will have some local connections and good suggestions for you . One of the bloggers/podcasters is in Germany I think.

I'd seriously consider coming back and alternating visits.

In 14 months, if your children are then fluent, they'd have to come back to the UK and speak English again, presumably. It's a hell of a lot to ask.

Couldn't your husband live somewhere smaller and you three come home?

Under those circumstances I would look to go back to the UK with the kids if at all financially viable whilst DH stays in Germany until the 14 months is up. And lesson learned, don’t accept an expat assignment again that leaves you struggling for money and where there isn’t any support provided with settling in or learning the language. Good luck with whatever you decide though, this too shall pass.

I moved to Switzerland with a non German speaking 5 year old. 3 months in was very tough, by 6 months it was much better. Having a birthday party seemed to lead to play date invitations, could you find an excuse for a small party? Do any of your neighbours have children? My then 5 year old enjoyed playing with 2/3 year olds and seemed to pick up simple language and I made friends with the parents, some of whom were very keen to practice their English. Is there a Turnverein? That might be a good place to find friends. Hope you can find some fun stuff to do at the weekends so you can enjoy Germany.

It sounds as if your dh needs to step up a bit and ask for financial support with language classes etc. It will take almost a year to settle, I remember getting on a plane back from a UK visit after 9 months and still getting a sinking feeling but over come it to last 4 years. Not sure how it is set up in Germany but does the community offer any support to auslanders. With the children the language will come and you really need to big up the positives of the lifestyle. Will you have UK visitors over the summer? Are there summer activities for children?