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Living overseas

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Original poster

I want to go home so so much

33 replies

Bebespain · 31/08/2017 19:18

Where to begin....

Apologies firstly to anybody who "knows" me from old because this isn't my first thread and to those of you who live in Spain and love it...

I have been here 11 years and I absolutely HATE it. Hate, hate, hate it...there, now I've said it.

I want to go home soooo much I think it is slowly killing me being here.

DH doesn't want to know, he doesn't want to go back I think he's had enough of me and my moaning. We have gone over and over it so many times so I get how he feels.

My children are aged 10, 8 and 4 and the eldest 2 are settled at school, they are happy here, the only life they've known.

I have no family in the UK, no where to go or to go back to...I have zero confidence and just can't see me starting over, not to mention uprooting my children and splitting up our family because of ME. How could I do that?

But... the thoughts of being stuck here ad- infinitum is tipping me over the edge.

Has anybody else gone back under difficult circumstances? What can I do? How can I make life better? I don't think I can.

Whinge over

OP posts:
cittigirl · 31/08/2017 19:19

What do you hate about it?

Fekko · 31/08/2017 19:19

Can you think of what you do like about it?

AlphaStation · 31/08/2017 19:21

Why do you hate it so much? What is it, more exactly?

The problem with "going back" is that your home town has evolved while you've been gone, so it isn't quite the same anymore. If I visit "home" where I grew up, for instance, it's only superficially similar to how it was when I grew up (most of the buildings are left) but it's populated with different people, the parks are different, I don't know anybody there etc. So it's not the same anymore.

allegretto · 31/08/2017 19:22

Feeling trapped where you are is a terrible feeling. I felt very much like you when my children were younger but it has definitely got better as they have got older. Do you work? What do you hate exactly (and don't say everything Wink ?) Is your dh Spanish? Could you make any compromises? (We have just spent tge summer in the UK which helps me).

Nuttynoo · 31/08/2017 19:27

Why do you hate it?

Original poster
Bebespain · 31/08/2017 20:00

DH is Spanish and up until fairly recently we have been able to have trips back to the UK in the Summer.

I have had periods of "coping" but the last few months have been excruciating...I was diagnosed with an autoimmune condition last November and I think that was the catalyst. Anniversaries always hit me hard, 11 years in August. One of my best friends in the UK having a serious car accident and I'm not able to be there for her...

Things I hate...the typical uneducated remarks of acquaintances such as today "look, they're so pale you can tell they're English" (referring to my children) Comments like that really get to me.

The climate...I am either roasting alive or cold, no inbetween, and I get sick of slathering my "pale" children in Factor 50 for half the year

The timetable...everything is just so late...late mealtimes, bedtimes, play dates...its so hard to battle against that when you have kids

Driving on the left...have never got used to it but maybe that's coz I'm a crap driver

Hate feeling/being foreign and allegretto hit the nail on the head "feeling trapped"...that is exactly how I feel and it's not good

Oh I don't know...reading that back none of it sounds like life or death does it

OP posts:
TheLegendOfBeans · 31/08/2017 20:02

How fluent in Spanish are you? When I lived abroad not being able to speak/read/write the language made me feel really disassociated and lonely, even though where I lived was English-speaker central.

PigOnStilts · 31/08/2017 20:03

Where are you, OP? IM sure Ive read posts from you before - were you in Alarcon de Henares? I lived in Madrid for two years, and, yes felt v trapped and miserable.

We came back in the end, I was too unhappy to stay. My health began to suffer, and I got an autoimmune disease too.

I have to say, at times i regret coming back, where I live now is kind of dullsville.

HopeChance · 31/08/2017 20:10

We came back after almost a decade of living abroad. My kids were settled there and I was the only one that wanted to move back here. I've definitely done the right thing for me. I missed the sense of belonging that I have when I am here in the UK,

People told me that things and people would have moved on and that I wouldn't be able to slot back in but it was easy. The first six months was a bit weird as you are adjusting and I miss the friends I made over there but nothing else.

Nuttynoo · 31/08/2017 20:12

Can you speak Spanish? Do you have friends? Where are you, I could probably connect you to a UK or USA expat network.

Donostia · 31/08/2017 20:14

hmm where are you in spain? i love spain but then i live in the basque country which is much more like britain in climate and culture. how's your spanish?

allegretto · 31/08/2017 20:18

Driving on the left...have never got used to it but maybe that's coz I'm a crap driver Ah you see? That's where you're going wrong, you should be learning to drive on the right! Sorry. Smile I know exactly where you're coming from as I still am very limited in where I feel comfortable driving in Italy. Perhaps conquering that would make you feel better? It is difficult, really difficult, to live in a foreign culture and I also feel that even when you feel largely happy about your choice, you can get waves of regret for the life you expected/dreamt about elsewhere. I also sometimes get absolutely fed up of being a foreigner and making mistakes with the language and even more annoyed with myself for choosing this life!

GinAndToast · 31/08/2017 20:18

What exactly are you wanting to move home for? If you have no family and no real base there, what is it? You aren't that far away in terms of distance and it's not very expensive to come back and visit.

Struggling to be very sympathetic I am afraid. You married a Spanish guy. Presumably you knew this was a possibility and your kids and him seem happy? But you want them to be miserable instead and move back?

To be honest and blunt, I would be bored and fed up of "constantly going over and over it". There is nothing worse than those kinds of discussions.

Maybe decide between you to move back in ten years time or something and then just not mention it for a bit!

Honestly, it sounds as if you are making the rest of your family miserable for no tangible reason. (I would have massive sympathy if you had elderly family in the UK or a job offer there).

I think you need to concentrate on making this work for now.

PigOnStilts · 31/08/2017 20:26

Gin, have you ever lived abroad? Just curious.

At some point you get sick of always being the sodding foreigner. Sometimes its as simple as that.

Tanaqui · 31/08/2017 20:28

I might have misunderstood, but why are you fighting against everything being late? If you are living in Spain, wouldn't it be better to just run your life on Soanish time? Or do you mean you do, but still find it unsettling?

GinAndToast · 31/08/2017 21:31

pig, yes, I am an expat.

scottswede · 01/09/2017 08:22

Hi Bebespain
Don't apologise to us long-timers, I have been on here more than a few times to offload.
You have advised, commiserated and sympathized with me over the years. Thanks Smile
I know how you feel, 100%.
I don't know if I have any advice, but then after 11 years you have done all the things you are supposed to do to fit in. Learn the language, learn the customs, get the job, etc, etc, etc.......
I too did all the things that would ensure I would feel better, more settled, less homesick........
I am 7 years in now, and I would still leave tomorrow if I could.
Dh and I had the leaving talks over and over for years. I have cried, begged, wished, dreamt of returning to a place that , like you, holds nothing for me any more. I have no family, very few friends, only memories now.
I have accepted being here, do I love it? No. Do I like it? Not all the time.
I have HAD to accept that as a family it works here. I am not the top of the food chain, I cannot make decisions for a family unit solely on my wants.
My children are happy here, in a good school that they love, have friends. Dh's job is more secure here than it would be in the UK. We have everything I ever wanted on paper , it just happens to be in the wrong country.
I am a square peg in a round hole. No amount of twisting or turning will make it fit properly
I try every day to be happy, some days I even manage it too Shock

Original poster
Bebespain · 01/09/2017 10:04

Thanks everybody for your input!

Hi Scottswede, I remember you well from past threads and I am glad to hear that things have got better. You have summed my feelings up perfectly. Thank you!

I have done everything I am supposed to do, I speak the language well...but 11 years in and I am still that square peg in a round hole.

Just out of interest, was there a turning point that made you accept your life as it is? Or was it just a combination of everything you mention?

OP posts:
Donostia · 01/09/2017 10:11

I think Spain can be particularly bad for never allowing foreigners to not be "the foreigner." Giles Tremlett talks about it from time to time.

WorkingBling · 01/09/2017 10:11

Bebe, I am a foreigner living in the UK. But one thing I think is true, is that living in London and its surrounds is easier for me than it would be if I moved to a small town in the countryside. Where are you in Spain? Is it possible to compromise with DH so that you move somewhere, still in Spain, but that is perhaps more cosmopolitan? Or has less extreme weather? Somewhere you're less likely to feel like such a foreigner all the time?

I do sympathise. I wanted to leave the UK for a very long time. I'm happy now, and wouldn't dream of going back. But a lot of that is my family - we're settled, the kids have friends and I've developed a lovely circle of friends who live nearby and have children etc. Some will be friends for life, some might only be friends while our children are at the same school, but it gives me a sense of belonging and community, even though most of these families are English and I'm not.

I do think that to live in a foreign country you have to accept and absorb some of the cultural realities of your host country. So now, when I go "home" it's lovely, but I've realised I'm not that person anymore. In order to be happy here, I've had to adapt myself and how I think about things and the result is that my countrymen and women don't feel as much like me anymore.

Original poster
Bebespain · 01/09/2017 10:27

The irony is we live half an hour from Madrid so I can't blame being isolated in a village somewhere!

And before anyones says, yes Madrid is s brilliant city and I've nothing against it...just doesn't suit me for living.

I think I'd be happier "up North" Donostia!

OP posts:
WorkingBling · 01/09/2017 12:09

When I first came here, I actively sought out people from my country. It made it easier for me to live and engage. Over time, that's happened less. But can you do that? Actively seek out English people locally?

ImperialBlether · 01/09/2017 12:19

Is there anyway you could afford to come back and stay with friends a couple of times a year? You could come on your own, given you're the one who's missing the UK.

Trollspoopglitter · 01/09/2017 12:26

Do you have other expat/British friends? A lot of what you write about, that people "get me" feeling where you don't have to explain nuances you didn't even realise needed explaining.... that could be alleviated by putting yourself in a little expat bubble of friends, who are experiencing the very same. Any other brits married to Spaniards you could try to meet via internet/chat groups? You sound like you need friends who get you. Sadly, after 11 years, you may find that people in U.K. wont get you anymore either (you've adapted)

scottswede · 01/09/2017 15:16

I think for me it was a combination of things.
Accepting that I will always be a foreigner, no matter how well I speak the language, no matter how long I am here.
Accepting that some things here are shit and will always be shit, whether I complain about it or not, it's not going to change.
Accepting that my kids are happy here, my dh is happy here, my menagerie of pets are happy here.
Accepting that even if we did go back, there is absolutely no guarantee that it would be for the best.
Accepting that the grass may not be greener, and this may be as green as it gets.
Accepting that this is my life, right here, right now and making the most of it.
In the end I was just tired of being miserable all the time.
I went back to the UK on my own for a while and tried to see how our life would be, without the rose-tinted glasses. I hung about the school that my kids would go to ( Not as sinister and creepy as it sounds I promise Grin) I asked friends about bullying, swearing, standard of education. Comparing it to what my kids have now.
I actually went around some show homes in a town we would probably live in. Comparing it to the home we have now.
I compared everything. The realisation that we have a decent standard of life here, the important things are in place. Yes, I will probably always miss things from the UK, but there are so many things I definitely don't miss.
Don't get me wrong, it is still a struggle, it probably always will be, but I accept that and refuse to be drawn down by it now.
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..............
Sorry Bebespain no magic answers