I want to go home so so much

[Bebespain]

Where to begin....

Apologies firstly to anybody who "knows" me from old because this isn't my first thread and to those of you who live in Spain and love it...

I have been here 11 years and I absolutely HATE it. Hate, hate, hate it...there, now I've said it.

I want to go home soooo much I think it is slowly killing me being here.

DH doesn't want to know, he doesn't want to go back I think he's had enough of me and my moaning. We have gone over and over it so many times so I get how he feels.

My children are aged 10, 8 and 4 and the eldest 2 are settled at school, they are happy here, the only life they've known.

I have no family in the UK, no where to go or to go back to...I have zero confidence and just can't see me starting over, not to mention uprooting my children and splitting up our family because of ME. How could I do that?

But... the thoughts of being stuck here ad- infinitum is tipping me over the edge.

Has anybody else gone back under difficult circumstances? What can I do? How can I make life better? I don't think I can.

Whinge over

You are not alone and it is very difficult. Sorry no other advice except to sympathise with everyone in the same position. Ten years for me and feeling very lonely at the moment. Maybe keep posting to vent as required.

Thank you Scottswede for sharing that, it IS helpful...will probably keep reading it over and over 😉
"accepting this is my life, right here, right now" Do you know, even after 11 years I haven't been able to do that.

Humphriescushion...sorry to hear you are in a similar boat...it's such hard work and lots of people don't fully understand.

Bebespain, I know you from here and also elsewhere I think. I've started threads like this and been on them so I totally understand and sympathise. Sadly sometimes being an expat really sucks. Our problems whether they seem big or small to others are all relevant. It's very easy to say pull yourself together etc when it's not you suffering. Especially difficult when it's "ooh you live in Spain lucky you" blah blah because you feel so guilty! Yes I lived in a wonderful place too and felt bloody miserable most of the time. It's quite a cyclical thing: you have better times but that debilitating homesickness just keeps coming back.

We had the talks over and over and eventually DH had enough, and do did I. I've had to give up a lot but I'm back home now. Please keep talking. PM me anytime. I hope you find a solution. I'm not sure what it is. You deserve to be happy just as much as the rest of your family.

Everyone's different but I think that, despite not being 100% happy with the place, I am definitely happier now (20 years in - eek!) than I was 10 years ago.

Hi Bebespain, I'm sorry you're feeling like that. I feel the same and I don't exactly know what the answer is. I recently felt much better about my situation because I got a little bit of voluntary work that allowed me to do my dream project (I'm a scientist). That definitely helped for me.

Is there anything you could do there that would indulge on own passion or dream and that would be help you to feel fulfilled and allow your family to stay where they feel at home?

It does sound like a hard problem and I sympathise. It's a tricky business being away from one's roots.

A good friend of mine says to me recently that she got epic itchy feet about 14 years after moving here, but that it passed after a while. SHe's been here about 35 now and is happy. Oddly it was at about 14 years that it kicked in for me too. I wondered if you might be in a phase and that it might pass? I don't like saying that though because it dismisses the importance of the feeling, which I can see is huge and very real.

Can you go home for an extended holiday at least just to treat the immediate need? It sounds as though you really need to touch base asap.

Thanks everybody for all the replies. Sorry I've been quiet...struggling...tonight in the park didn't help things either when a couple of Mums from School asked me why I didn't go back to England as it would be a great experience for my children...Jeez, if only it were that bloody simple. It's the last thing I needed to hear given my current state of mind.

Yes, Ancientchateau, I "know" you from old and I'm so glad you made it back home - yippee!!! You are definitely right about such feelings being cyclical...for some reason I am always worse around Summer and at Christmas for obvious reasons. It is so wearing when you face every day feeling like an outsider and that you just don't connect, or feel a connection...is this my lot I ask myself over and over agaim

Hi Bebespain. Sorry you're having a hard time. Your feelings are very familiar to me, although I haven't been abroad for quite as long. My DH is equally and at any suggestion of us moving to the UK which probably makes me fixate on it more.

I don't have any good advice because I haven't found magic solution myself, but I agree that short trips back to the UK help a lot if you can do that.

I'm just back from a long trip to the UK and feeling pretty down. However many friends you make, you do miss having a common cultural frame of reference, and being able to make jokes knowing that people will get them.

I hope you feel a bit better soon. Do you work or have time to yourself outside the home? I feel much better when I can take a long walk or visit a museum or something. It helps even if just for the afternoon.

I am living in my home country but in my dh's home town so not the same thing as you. However we met abroad and were living abroad very happily until dh (and i admittedly) wanted to move home. I had such a romantic view of how it would be that the wake up took a while to sink in but I hated it. I was (and am) ever reminded that I am not a local (in my own country!) But dh was so happy. It took the best part of 10 years and then i got sick and was absolutely floored and in the lowest point where every aspect of my life was difficult I realised that I lived in a great place, I am still an outsider, even reminded by dh and dc that I am the only non local in the house. I can see that, as was often advised (and dismissed by me) I needed to change my attitude rather than my location. I still plan to leave the area when the kids are finished school but I can see that it's as good a place as any to raise kids and most importantly, it is their hometown, where they belong. Any possibility of working on acceptance and focusing (only) on your areas good points OP? (FWIW I would swap with you in the morning despite my best efforts at Loving where I Live )