Has anyone returned to UK from Aus?

[WS12]

I have posted a lot on here over the past 10 months about home sickness and missing my family back in the UK. We are now 10 and a half months on from our move - still early I know - but I have talked to DH about the possibility of going back as I just don't think I can live and settle on the other side of the world from my family. We have always been a close family my mam dad and my sister, and I can't imagine this is it for the rest of my life - facetime and visits home once or twice a year. But that's for another thread! What I was thinking about was other people's experiences.

Has anyone emigrated go Aus and returned home? Where about did you go to? What is your story? How long were you here for and when and why did you go back? Did you find it hard? Did you regret it? How did you organise the move back? Was everyone happy?

My DH has said if I still feel like this after our visit back next month (yes 4 weeks and I'll be back home if only for 3 weeks but can't wait!!) he has said I could go back with he kids for a trial period, say 6 months, and see how we both felt after that. Not ideal but a start at the conversation of returning I guess. I would like us all to go back together really. My hub is Australian and loving being back, feel guilty really.

I just would like to hear others stories if that's ok?? What I'm struggling with - though I love Australia I really do - I miss the closeness of family, I'm feeling very isolated here and can't wait to be back where I feel I belong. I know it won't be a bed of roses. This trip back will be very useful for both of us I think.

Will others please share their stories? Many thanks 💐❤

Funny you should ask op.

We went for counselling about a year later, as there was resentment on both sides. I was in depression from so many changes, and lost my identity.

The counselling sessions went on for about 3 months iirc.

We're still together, but he's more mindful of reading situations, and has learnt not to assume what I want and ask.

I must admit it was awful after we returned to the UK.

No advice I'm afraid but I am really interested in your thread OP! Your life sounds so very similar to mine, just a year or two in the future...my DH is also Australian, he has been living here in the UK now for 13 years, he met me on a gap year and has stayed ever since. We have two DC and another on the way and our 'plan' is to move to Oz once this next baby is around 12 months or so. DH misses the climate, the space, the chilled out vibes and the outdoor opportunities over in Oz. He had a very outdoor based childhood and we want to give that to our children too, but I am so worried about being miserable and lonely over there, I'm not very good at making friends and am a bit of a recluse. He has a large family in Oz, but they aren't especially close, and when we've had family get togethers over there with them I have felt like such an outsider, always being mocked for being a Pom and not being able to hack the heat. I am close to my family here, we see each other a lot, but I can't help shake the thought of all the opportunities my children would get if we moved over there. Like you I feel like I would be sacrificing my happiness for the sake of my children and husbands. There is also a part of me looking forward to a great adventure too, we are stuck in a
rut over here and I am so sick of the rubbish summers!!!
Is there any option for you to get a part time Job? That may help with the socialising and get you meeting new people? I think aiming for two years of trying is a good goalpost, though it may seem like forever at times. My worry is that I won't feel settled anywhere either, but I think we have to give these things a try and there is no shame in admitting it hasn't worked or we aren't happy! Sorry if I've hijacked your post a bit, if you are still there in a year or two perhaps we can meet up as we will be in the Vic/SA area too!!

I totally feel your pain. My story: I'm from the UK, met my DP on holiday two years ago. He's British but has lived in Oz for 20 years. After a "trial" holiday I moved there last June. Oz is great in so many ways but just not home. I've made a few acquaintances but no real close friends. Our relationship has been really up and down. I feel I've lost my identity, have little support and zero fun.

DP has agreed to move back to the UK together next year which is great but I am counting down the days.

I'm currently in the UK, in the final week of a two-month stay here in my old life with my lovely friends and family. I love it and am dreading going back to Oz next week. It turns out I don't care about the weather but I do care about being around people I have proper relationships with.

I honestly don't know if our relationship will last another year with the loneliness/neediness I feel living in Oz but I am committed to trying. But I just want my life back and this trip home has confirmed that.

Sorry to hijack your post but I need to let off some steam.
I think a lot of my issues are to do with my relationship. Although he's lovely, living together is hard. I have my own flat in London and loved living alone. My DP is messy and needs tasks delegating to him for him to do anything. I realize this is common when you move in with a man but in my case I have no friends to moan to/ seek advice from in person. "My boyfriend left his pants on the floor and I want to kill him" is not a great opener with new people 😉

Right now I just don't know if I can get on the plane next week, I really don't.

Gingerbread4 yes our situations are very similar. I wanted to live in Aus from early on in my marriage, my DH said (years ago and now denies it lol that he would settle in the UK if I wanted, but I always fancied the adventure. That is I think until we had the DC, which looking back is why it took us so long to make the move. I would say to my hubby that I was happy with our life, point out the positives and ways we could improve, but he wanted to be here. I saw him become a bit depressed about 3 years ago, and I knew I had to do it for my hubby's happiness. Now I'm on the other side and I'm the one a bit miserable, it's like a catch 22.

All I would say for you to think about is that priorities change once children come along. Though there are great opportunities here, now I've left home and I don't have my parents and sister and friends about anymore, I realise how much of a positive effect they would have on me and our DCs lives. Yes we can be outdoors here, but we can in the UK just put a coat and wellies on that's how I feel at the moment. I think I'm waffling sorry lol but the point I'm trying to make is that though there are positives e.g. class sizes here in the Vic country seem smaller, there is a milder climate, it's a beautiful place to travel and see - it has everything - mountains, snow, hot sunshine, beaches, country, city life, wildlife, its great - most of the time we live normal day to day life just like back home, kinder run, cooking tea, shopping. I think I would love to get in a camper van and explore Aus, but the place where I live my day to day life, I need family. There is more to life than sunshine and beaches and big gardens (which surprisingly aren't as common as you'd think).

I feel marooned on an island some times, so alone. If we stay in Aus I would undoubtedly make friends and I could tolerate life I think, but I'm sentencing myself to a life without my family. I already have very few memories of them this last year apart from talking to them on FaceTime. And yes we can visit each other but it isn't the same, the closeness is fading slowly, my DC were so close to their grandparents and now my DS hardly speaks about them.

Have a good think about how you would cope without any support at all - and I mean no one. I saw my parents 4 or 5 times a week, rang every other day, saw my sis twice a week, had a brilliant part time job with lovely colleagues. I have been mourning the loss of my old life as my life here just does not compare. Life here is a bit empty at times.

I 100% agree with you. Yes the weather is gorgeous and the beach is great, but seeing my mum for Sunday dinner or going to the park with my niece is SO much better. After I'd been to the beach for several weekends in a row it stared to feel like "hm, now what?"... 🤔

I think once we are removed from our old lives, families, friends etc, we see more clearly about what is important in life. And it's people! People are more important than places.

I am worried that I will be like you after we visit at the end of this month (wahoo!) I won't want to get back on the plane. I think my DH feels it too as he's joked a few times about coming back on his own. I hate to see him worrying, but what if he's right?🤢I feel sick about the whole situation right now.

I agree with other posters on here about trusting our instincts and listening to what we feel inside. What makes me think we could go back is hat my DH isn't bothered about leaving his family, as long as I can give him something worth going back for I think he would be ok. His ultimate goal (in the not too far future) is to get his truck license and become a lorry driver. I argue this could take him away for days at a time but he seems convinced he would get a local job but I'm not so sure... this I could use to convince him to come back home. Move back to the UK and become a driver. It wouldn't matter too much if he was away then, I'd have others to keep me company. Do it in a Aus and he'll come back to an empty house and a note 😂✈️

Longdistance I am definitely worried about our relationship if we do come back, I think my DH would be devastated to leave Aus... it would certainly take its tole on us. He would resent me 😕

In fact further up when I say "I could tolerate life" that's in the short term. Couldn't do this for the rest of my life.

we originally came to Aus on a 2 year sponsorship. I could not wait to go 'home'. Then my sponsorship was extended and I realised after about 3 years, I felt very settled here and had made a few friends.

I think it is the dramatic break which makes the move so hard. Once a few friends move into the picture, it is so much easier.
Some of my good friends are from kids going to school- such a range of people but I have had to pursue friendships which I never did before.

The first 12-24 months are the hardest. My advice would be don't think about going home until you've been away for that period. You need to treat the time you spend with family and friends as binge times. You get to spend a full 3 weeks with them, 24/7 when you visit them or when the come to you. In you usual life at home would that happen ? Life tends to take over. Really enjoy the quality time you get and then learn to manage the time when your apart. I often will 'prop' my parents up in the kitchen while I'm doing something mundane like making dinner or having a Friday glass of wine. I even FaceTime them in public transport on the way to work or walking home (yes I am that person) Your local friends become your family and I have a mix of poms and Aussies. It's hard but look at what life here affords you, it's not perfect but don't look back through rose tinted glasses. Don't be swayed also by your trip back as that's not normal life either, it is summer at home, long light nights and people might be taking time off or going out of their way to see spend time with you. The reality is very different. I've not made the trip home but seen 2 ex pat family's do that and they have struggled with where to live, work, school - have ended up on a lower wage and in smaller homes and not close to family and their friends have moved on. I feel for you, I've had the tantrum, I've cried for my mum and I've longed for diluting juice, diet irn bru, walkers crisps and M&s party food - not forgetting a proper Christmas! But I have a good life and worse case I can be home in a day ! Good luck OP !!

The thing about giving it two years etc is that it feels like an endurance test.... And life shouldn't feel like that? (Well unless you're doing an actual endurance test. :). )

As for "local friends become your family" - that just hasn't happened for me. Strangers have become casual acquaintances. I can't see I'd ever have the volume of friends or depth of friendships (school friends from 30 years ago) that I have in the UK.

DP doesn't have many mates either. He seems happy to have a few guys to chat football with but I think women (me, at least) need a bit more of a connection.

I don't think I idolise home at all. I've seen my friends a lot while home but I socialise a lot normally. I realize that's not everyone's experience though.

Moving back is fairly simple for me though - my flat is where I left it and I work for myself and have done the same job from Oz (but earning pounds which makes Oz super expensive). How my DP will fare is another question though....but then, if he hates London I won't/can't make him stay.

I think friends make all the difference.

I was in Barcelona and it was very easy to make casual friends, go for drinks and diners, have a laugh, discover the city. But with other foreigners; i had a stack of "friends", however no local friends and no roots.

Then we moved somewhere a lot smaller and I have 3 close friends (two are also good friends, one is a bit apart) we tend to socialise 1 on. I don't have the big gaghles of friends I had 20 years ago. What i do have are local friends either from here or they have married locals and aren't going anywhere. They are the ones who we celebrate birthdays and Christmases with, who we can call at 3am and vice versa.

I think if you give off a vibe of "i'm only here another 6 months cos i hate it" or have a 'spooked deer' look backlighting your eyes, then people are less likely to invite you into their lives.

I met an American lady on my local bus who'd been here 2 weeks, knew nobody, trailing spouse, 4 dc, didn't speak the lingo. I swapped numbers with her. Met up for a coffee and gave her a map, started showing her where the good shops were, the best hairdresser, the library, showed her what coffee was what, bought her some 'pets de monga' biscuits to share with her family ('nuns' farts', they loved them!). We had a lot in common and was a fantastic woman. My best friend was reluctant to meet her as American friend would eventually leave... We became a tight group of 3 and had a great time, really made her time in Spain wonderful (not so stealthy boadt!!). She is back stateside and misses our town greatly (it is super safe and her 14yo could go on the bus to town alone without any fears, totally different from her part of the world).

Me and my bf miss her a lot, but i don't regret befriending her. I have met a few other 'expats' since i have been here, but tend to avoid socialising with them.

Perhaps others are also reluctant to open up for this reason?

Gosh long post

I have to agree with you wintergirl that it does feel like an endurance test at times, a bit like "how much longer can I do this for?" How much longer can I go on feeling this way, it's an awful feeling. To aim for two years would for some be like torture. My DH says it'll take time to adjust but that makes me feel even worse sometimes... it's very hard to explain.

I also disagree with you 36plus, though you make some good points about quality time during visits (when my family were here it was such a sacred time I didn't want to go anywhere without them, which I think caused friction with my DH but I was savouring every minute because those minutes had been scarce! It's like when I am on FaceTime my DH can get arsey when I talk for an hour or more but I NEED that, its my communication with those I love. At times when my parents hang up after a short time, I have cried thinking "don't they know it's the only time I see them or anyone else really . It's difficult again, to explain. But like wintergirl I could not see my friends here (more acquaintances at the moment) becoming family- if that was to happen it'd be because I was replacing my actual family with a substitute a bit like plugging the gap, when the gap would disappear if we were in the UK if that makes sense. The only thing I can think of hanging on for is that maybe once my DS is at school in early 2019 I may then be more able to make good friendships.

I am glad people have responded to this thread. I've been thinking about everything which people have said and it can be confusing, actually making me feel even more confused that I was before. This I think shows that each situation is different and that everyone has made the decision what was right for them, wether they stayed here, went back, went back and came back! I don't think there is a clear right or wrong answer.

Another thing I have realised is that I thought the DC would be so adaptable and oblivious to everything being 4 and 2 but this move has definitely had an effect on our 4 year old. He's really intuitive and listens very carefully without us every realising. I feel guilty about it now, he has heard me talking to my DH about 'going back' and then a few days ago I asked DS if he would like to live in England again some day near grandma and grandad and his answer was no he wants to stay here forever to play with his cousins. And I said aw that will be nice won't it to play with your cousins and that was the end of that (I kind of needed to ask it to see what he would say, looking back I shouldn't have said anything). And this is what is making me think sooner rather than later we need to decide and stick to it - a few weeks ago my DD aged 4 had an assessment at kinder and was asked where he lived. He said Australia. He was then asked this again yesterday by a lady who was observing various children, and he answered England. The teacher said the answer to where a child lives shows their sense of 'place' and belonging. I feel this shows my DS doesn't fully know where he belongs. And it's probably because of my question! Gah Mummy guilt!! But from this I have learned we need to settle, which ever end. You can't keep moving when you have kids.

I really sympathise with you - international relationships are so difficult. I love my partner and wouldn't change him for the world but I always find myself wishing he was the boy from down the road rather than the boy from halfway around the world. I guess everyone has their difficulties.

I've lived in his country for almost two years and I still find it hard. I'm close to his family and get on well with them but they're still not my family. I haven't made any friends either. I did try a bit more to begin with but the rejections made me feel like crap so now I just don't bother.

It's a hard situation and I'm sorry I don't have any helpful advice, only sympathy.

Form friendships. It is the only way you are going to settle. You could move from Lands End to John O'Groats and be lonely if you don't have friends.

Try. Try again. Try somewhere else. Be open but not desperate.

If you are lonely it is soul destroying, wherever you are and however far you are from family.

Hi WS12

I am currently going through exactly the same except my husband is Aussie and he has never lived in the UK.
Been here a v similar amount of time to you too.

Please feel free to PM me or I could you? I know it helps to talk to others who actually understand how you feel.

I have lived all over the uk, not the same I know but suffered years of lonliness and homesickness, I never really made friends because it was obvious I was pining to be back in my home town with my family. Then we settled about 3 hours drive from my family and I realised that I needed to build a home for my family. My dh, children and I. I went out of my way to make friends and have been here nearly 3 years and can honestly say it now feels like home. I know the distance with you isnt the same, but it's veru clear you want to go back home, and that's the vibe your giving off you will struggle. Give it 2 years at least and really try to build relationships. It is hard, but the grass isn't greener on the other side always, I know one person who came back from oz and really regrets it. I know one family who through themselves into the ex pat community out there and absolutely love it. good luck

i meant to say, friends came when I atopped comparing them and things to what I had in my home town. it isn't the same, but my new "home" is just as good

Respectfully user I don't think it's the same at all. Being in the UK has the advantage that people are, by and large, culturally British and your friends and family are in the same time zone as you. You can pop back for a weekend or a long weekend if you feel like it...it's just not the same.

it's not the same, but its similar, loneliness is loneliess and you will find your people if you looked in the right place. I honestly didn't realise the difference in me settling when I mentally "moved" I didn't even realise how bad I came across pining for home at the time. I am sure it's alot worse for OP, It isn't the same but a change in mentality might help OP as it had a prefound effect on me.

Yeah moving in the same country is really not the same. When I went to uni and later moved to London I was still going back "home" many weekends and seeing old friends.

A big part of my situation (sorry for hijacking OP) is that I feel like an add-on to my boyfriend's life. Rather than having my own life. I seem to have gone from career person/friend/sister/aunt/daughter to just B's girlfriend. His life meanwhile has barely changed. And for what I've gained in sunshine and beaches, I've lost so much. And the trade off just isn't worth it....

I can understand that you might disagree, If you had asked me 7 years and 2 countries ago I would have said the same. No one could replace my friends or family. I have the same group I have had since school and an unusually tight bond with my parents and sister. However over time you see each other though huge mile stones, weddings, babies ... and it happens naturally. Maybe not for everyone but maybe I was lucky. Ex pat living isn't for everyone and you sound miserable. Don't tough it out if you don't want to ! Go home x x

Yeah I think you have to be quite lucky to find your people as an expat. Especially if your situation is anyway different to the usual expat wife (i.e. working / not working, kids / no kids) etc.

I'm an expat. The first two years were the hardest. I don't think you've given it a proper chance at all. You've fixated on the solution to your homesickness and so you're not really trying to settle. To be honest I wouldn't be impressed if I was your DH. I'd give it another year of trying to settle yourself without fixating on home and then decide what to do. Taking your kids away from their dad even for six months is a big deal.

Thank you everyone. It helps to hear other experiences, gives me food for thought.

One thing we have talked about is if we returning trying the Lake District or borders of scotland as as Wintergirl said in this situation we can pop back for weekends and be there at xmas and birthdays, so much better than what we face here which is missing out on all of that 🤔. I agree that moving within the UK is different to moving to the other side of the world, though the homesickness feeling may still the same. Would I be home sick two hours car drive away??

I had a thought that I keep saying "home sickness" but am I actually homesick or do I just want to live in the UK and not Aus? I realised the other day after messaging a friend I sent her a message after only 5 weeks of being here - yes 5 weeks 😳- that I "couldn't shift the feeling I want to live in the UK" and I was asking her advice (she lives in UAE). I cried leaving, I actually SOBBED getting in the car, cried on the train and plane. I didn't leave the Uk because I hated it, I did it for my DH. I don't think I'm homesick - maybe I just don't want to live here? Any thoughts on this? I always used to say to DH before we left that we had a good life back home, and that I was happy but he wasn't (I guess other way round now) but he always said "let's just get out there, get jobs and see what happens". There was never really a discussion, he tends to brick wall me.

Also I do not want to take the children for 6 months - he suggested it. 😶