Homesickness, veterans and newbies all welcome!

[Bebespain]

Hi everybody and happy New Year!

I decided to start this thread as I am a veteran at feeling homesick (10 years out of the UK) and despite a period of slight remission, lately I feel I am right back to square one.

I had been reading another thread in the Overseas category and I can see I'm not the only one finding that homesickness actually gets worse as the years roll by.

Of course, there is little anybody can do or say to change my current situation and yes, I know life could be much worse, but I do think that severe homesickness can be crippling and not many people really understand how it feels. I just think it would be helpful to have a thread where others going through similar feelings can support each other...oh, and let off a bit of steam while we're at it

In my case I think being recently diagnosed with a chronic health condition, Brexit, plus the fact that we will be unable to make our annual trip back "home" this Summer has knocked me for six. I feel totally stuck and as my children get older (plus the fact that my husband doesn't want to go back to the UK) the realisation that I will most likely have to grow old here, is an absolute killer.

Anyone else...?

Hello all. Pretty sure it was my thread you read!

Yes homesickness is crippling. We're about three months in to our move to Singapore and it's so bloody hard. I really miss Switzerland but oddly just bits of the UK, well just my friends really.

I've been doing a bit of writing about homesickness and have come to the conclusion that there's a lot more to it than just missing stuff. The feelings of isolation and needing comfort can be unbearable.

It's been much harder here to meet people. Mainly because I live in an area with a lot of French. My kids go to French school but my language only takes me so far! I've been in a right grump about being here the past few days so it's good to be able to have a rant. Poor DH!

Hi everyone,

For me the language isn't a problem. I did my degree in Spanish and speak/understand it very well. But I feel far from integrated. The funny thing is I don't really 'use ' it that much beyond minimal chit chat at school, Yoga class. I speak English with my 3 children.
I have found it very difficult to make meaningful friendships with Spanish people and as others have said, Expat friendships have their difficulties too. People moving on, not really having that much in common and so on. I gave up on them a while back tbh...I just don't have the energy anymore

One of the saddest things for me is that I spend half my time missing my friends back home, and getting very emotionally upset that they aren't a regular feature in our lives and that of my children, that constant feeling you/we are missing out and the fabulous friendships I know my children would have with theirs if they saw each other regularly. Lately, I am struggling so much with this aspect, suppose they are all growing up, achieving milestones etc

scottswede, you sum up the way I am feeling very, very well. I remember other things you said striking many a chord with me on another similar thread from a while back. The "half-existence" that is exactly how I feel aswell and the constant reminders...ahh...just hearing an Ed Sheeran song yesterday on the car radio set me off blubbering and I don't even like Ed Sheeran

Hello (again) Ancienchateau
Yes, DH has agreed that I can 'nip' back home from time to time for a long weekend so I do have that to keep me going, I'm all set for 3 days in March!! Yay - counting the days already, which is something I promised myself I would stop doing but hey...
It's like you said about how your life feels on hold. MIne does too which is madness because unless we win the lottery a return home is not going to happen and I have to accept that...

...but I can't (screams)

Ancienchateau, I had skimmed past the bit where you said you hoped the OP was ok

I realised I created a thread than ran away...my Internet connection has been playing up!

This one is a hard one. I have had to consider my response for several hours before posting.

I've been gone from home 37 years. Way more than I was there. Yet I never, ever, stop missing them. I have made a good life where I am, but am always 'missing' someone. Something. I feel so sad that my children/grandchildren will never get to have the close relationships with those others most important to me. I shall never be as close to the family left behind. The kids and their kids don't know me as I want them to. It is shit.

I am seriously ready to go back. However, DH is not. Then there is the reality I will constantly be missing my family here.

I wish I could package everyone up and be all in one place. It will never happen. Perhaps I shall wish I had unlimited free (or cheap) air travel. Or a magic carpet.

2017BetterKickAss I have met 2 others so far who like you have lived in a country for a long time and never felt 'at home'
I met an Irish lady who had lived her for 30+ years and still felt like a foreigner, but couldn't move 'home' because her children and grandchildren were here. Another from Israel who after raising her family left after 35 years to go 'home'. She hated every day here but stayed for her children. Now she lives in another country from her children and grandchild, but would never move back.
I don't want to end up in either situation but I honestly don't know how to make peace with being here.
I had a good life back 'home' but thought this would be better. I was wrong on so many levels. I had a life, a social circle, friends, the ability to socialize and fit in, I knew who I was.
I haven't found my place here yet and have a feeling I never will.
Everyone I know from 'back home' are moving along with their lives, but I'm stuck in this half life. I am not growing as a person and feeling more and more resentful because of that.

I share the half life feeling with you. What has helped me, is firstly renting our uk house as a holiday let, not a long term let, so we can go back and stay and keep in touch with our friends. Then buying a property here but in a holiday area, not the area we work (in Switzerland). We visit the holiday home at weekends where there are lots of british neighbours who come and go from the uk.
thirdly, knowing I am going back some day and fourth having a very part time job. fifth speaking the local language badly. The downside to all of this is it is a lot of work having more than one life so to speak.

I can relate to this SO much at the moment. I’ve lived in Australia for 29 years, married my Australian DH and have two Australian-born teens. I have suffered varying degrees of homesickness over the years, but it’s really become unbearable over the last few years, and I’ve been longing to go back.

Friends and family had said to me that I wouldn’t recognize the UK after nearly 30 years, it’s changed for the worse, etc, etc, and I was prepared to be shocked and not like it at all. (In fact I was hoping I wouldn’t like it so I could reconcile myself to staying in Australia, and try and make the best of things here).

We were finally able to afford for the four of us to go back to the UK for a holiday for 4 weeks and we returned to Australia yesterday. I’ve hardly stopped sobbing since we got back. I absolutely loved being back in the UK, it felt so right and I can’t say I noticed any monstrously bad changes. I loved the cold weather too.

We also had a reunion over there with my dad who I have hardly spoken to in all these years, due to his alcoholism when we were growing up. He’s mellowed so much, and is so old looking, and was so grateful to meet his grandchildren, I felt dreadful. I’m such an emotional wreak right now.

We’ve come back to a heatwave of 40 degrees and I can’t stand the heat, so it's really not helping.

If it was just me, I would go home, but while DH and the DCs enjoyed the holiday, they’re Australian through and through and don’t want to leave.

Gosh I feel for you people who are trapped. It makes my own sob story seem quite pathetic. for you all

I really feel for all of you with long journeys and feeling stuck

I am going to stop whinging about the 4hr drive to my home town from where I currently live. This thread makes me feel tearful. How horrible for those of you who are stuck somewhere you don't want to be.

I absolutely sympathise with feeling like life is kind of on hold while you're living somewhere that doesn't feel like home. And with being unable to share day-to-day experiences and milestones with your friends and family. But at least when it gets too much for me I can jump in the car. It must be torture to not have that option. I don't know what the answer is but my heart goes out to you.

Bebespain we are debating whether to forgo our annual trip 'home' this year too.
I am the one who insists we go back every year. We must' visit old relatives. We must* meet up with old friends.
I am the one who insists we all eat fish n' chips.
I am the one who insists we drive around all our old haunts and reminisce.
I am the one who insists we stock up on British foods and chocolate.
In all honesty the kids and dh couldn't care less if they see old relatives they have no real memories of. Old friends they have long forgotten. They don't care much for fish n' chips or Cadburys either.
They don't remember our 'lovely old house' or the high street I used to push them down in their prams. They don't remember the parks we played in, the swings I pushed them on.
These are now my memories alone. Their memories are here now.
The kids want to go on a real holiday this year, somewhere warm, with a pool. We can't do both financially.

They told me I was being a little selfish as "We always go to the UK because YOU want to go, not us"
They are right of course but it is a bitter pill to swallow.

Hi everyone, another expat here. I feel exactly the same way, I also feel incredible amounts of guilt for moving- my mum was very sick and I was her primary care giver. (My sister now looks after her)

I constantly stuck, as much as I know it was the right thing to do, if I stayed in the UK my life would be so different. I miss my family, missing all the birthday parties and random coffee meets makes me question my choice so much.

I also can't really tell anybody how homesick I get , they are all so proud of me for "grabbing life by the horns" and moving away.

I almost dread having children here to be honest

TheQueenOfItAll I constantly have to remind people that just because I live in another country my life has not magically evolved into this 'Garden of Eden'. You don't get handed a New Life in a Box welcome package when you arrive in your new country .When I complain about Sweden people look at me like I've sprouted two heads. When I ask "So what specifically is better about Sweden than here. They usually spout off something like "Well all those polls say it's better"

ha ha scottswede, it's the same with France. Holidaying and living in a country are not the same thing, I feel like shouting!

So much food for thought on this thread. The bit about "once I...do x" and "once I...have y" resonates so much with me.

A friend who has bounced around the world for years told me about "mentally unpacking" - when you accept that you're going to stay where you are and you stop playing the "once I" game. Like when you unpack all your physical stuff and find it a home, but the psychological equivalent. You mentally put your suitcase up in the attic, arrange your ornaments, and allow yourself to settle in. I never mentally unpacked when I was in the middle east, psychologically I had my suitcase under the bed and was ready to go at any given moment! I'm semi-unpacked here - all of my stuff is out of the packing boxes, but I haven't hung my pictures...just in case...

I don't know about anyone else, but I rarely let on about any dissatisfaction living here? For starters, nobody at home wants to hear it, because they think I live the life of Riley, cycling through sunflower fields to get my morning baguette and then spending the rest of the day sitting on the terrace drinking amusing local wine But there's a large part of me that hates admitting that I struggle, because it feels like quitting.

Sorry, rambling now. Too much coffee this morning!

Hello All can I join?
Sorry to hear so many are struggling - it is very difficult.

Mine is only a mild case, I mainly miss my sister and doing things with her, especiallly since she has now had children. I would like be a bigger part of their life like she was for my children. We keep in regular touch though - but it is different.

I have again thrown myself into life here but find I am often on the outside of groups and dont quite fit in. I try hard with the language but find groups difficult ( I probably would struggle with this in my own language as well) I enjoy the activites I do very much though so try not to let not being part of the group too much - but it is hard and a bit disheartening when I try so hard.
Hope things get better for everyone and glad I found this thread so I dont feel so alone.

Another one here. I have been in Brussels for almost 10 years (bar nine months in 2013/14 when I had to move home, and then back again). Dh is on his second three year contract, and when it ends in December 2019, we will finally be going home for good (at least I hope so).

I get back fairly regularly, not least for the university run, but I do miss my house, and feel guilty that my Mum is getting older with me here and my db in the ME, and soon also to be in Belgium from the end of this year.

I'm lucky in that some of our UK friends have been posted here (and even live next door but one), but I do get homesick, even though on paper I have a lovely life and nothing to moan about.

I never ever complain because my family is desperate to have DP and I move to London so we will be bombarded by "come back home" speeches and although I'm homesick, I do enjoy my life here.

Hello scaryteacher I'm also in Belgium

I am definitely missing the "mentally unpacking" bit. Even after 10 years,
I´ve still got my suitcase somewhere handy!

It´s extremely unlikely we will ever move back to the UK but there´s still a part of me that holds some hope, I just can´t accept that I will grow old here and that´s the half-life thing for me.

scottswede - your list about making your annual trip to the UK is almost identical to mine It´s what keeps me going throughout the year and I´m still not sure how I´ll cope this Summer without it. Totally selfish, I know and I also know how very lucky we´ve been to be able to do it for the past 10 years, but you´re spot on when you say it´s a bitter pill to swallow

TheQueenOfIt All Sorry to hear about your Mum. I can totally relate to the guilt you feel when a relative is poorly back home. My Mum died 2 years ago and as her only child I can´t really put into words the overwhelming sense of guilt (plus a whole load of other emotions) I experienced while she was ill. I still look back on that period and wish more than anything that I could have been closer.

I really feel for anybody out there who is going through this at the moment

CarolsSecretCookieRecipe - reading your post has really touched me. I´m not surprised you are an emotional wreck. When I go back I yearn not to like it and wish I could say, I´ve had a lovely time but I´ll be glad to get back to Spain. It usually takes me a few months to get over a long trip back so please be gentle on yourself

My children are still young but my eldest won´t even hear of going to live in England. They were all born here, are very happy here and it´s the only life they´ve known.

I have been.thinking and discussing with OH me and the kids going to the UK for a few months in a few years if I can get some work (currently in teachers training). That's part of wanting to make them.feel more English and have memories there and of course a better grasp of.the language. Depends a bit on OH job and finances as well though. I need to look into it more really.

Hello! I am the same in reverse - from a EU country but settled in the UK. Now family here so would be more difficult to move anywhere. I don't get homesick that much but like a pp I feel a longing for my kids to share their childhood with my family - missing out on cousins etc on my side. And there will always be nuances you just don't pick up on, when it comes to the cultural heritage that will always (I think) make you feel a bit left out. I so get what you do when you do your journeys back home - I do exactly the same when I make all of us go back. And eat MY favourite food and do the stuff I miss. Husband and kids always underwealmed....

As a PP said when I say I live in Switzerland, UK people say "you are so lucky". I think they are thinking of snow topped mountains, skiing ever day, flower meadows and quaint chalets. Reality: apartment living in densely populated areas, unless you are one of the lucky few on expat packages. (first floor 2 bedroom apartment is £1,200 to £2,000 per month).

I'm not sure if my feelings count as, technically, I haven't moved yet, but I am dreading the prospect of moving to Saudi Arabia in a couple of weeks.

I'm already living in the ME and have loved my time here. We're moving for an undisclosed amount of time for my husband's work and I'm doing all I can to put off the final logistics/packing and, finding myself yearning for the U.K.! Perhaps this is because KSA is so backwards in terms of women's rights and day to day movement is severely curtailed Ie, can't drive self, have to get a bus to visit the malls etc, cinema is banned, even changing rooms do not exist in the women's shops. As an airy Gemini, I feel my wings are clipped and these day to day factors are proving tough to reconcile myself to. In saying that, I've heard people love it once they're there so perhaps I need to give it a fair crack of the whip.

I liked the comment up thread about suitcases. I'm going to try hard and use that to help me settle in!

Thank you, Bebespain, I'm trying my best to keep busy to stop myself thinking too much.

to everyone struggling on this thread.