Is it selfish to emigrate and leave parents behind?

[geordiegeorgie]

My DH and I have been talking about emigrating for several years now, and Brexit is the final straw... We feel it is decision time. My concern is for my Mum. I don't think she would emigrate. So she would be left in UK with my brother and Stepfather. She is not even 60 yet and healthy, but I know a time will come when inevitably her health will deteriorate. Is it just selfish to want to emigrate? Has anyone managed this successfully?

FYI we are thinking of Canada or NZ...

It's got nothing to do with love. It's to do with living your life for you and your family.

FIL was very supportive of us moving and said it was the best thing, MIL was and is distraught, not for her DS, it for the DGC, she loves them very much. She is the one that's been to visit, despite her anxiety ( severe enough to need meds), FIL hasn't.

I'm NC with my mother, both her DC live abroad, and our Father isn't one to keep in touch, but loves us and wishes we were closer in his own way. I haven't lived in my home country now for 20yrs.

Palomb - it's nothing to do with how close you are or how much you love them!! I was and still am extremely close to my parents and sister, as are my DCs.

Lots of people in lreland emigrate. While families are sad they manage. My db lives abroad. I feel it opened up a whole new world to my dm as she travelled regularly to visit them. When he returns with his family for holidays there is a big welcome and brings excitement and change. So your dm could benefit in ways as she is young still. I have friends of that age and they are very busy and active in their own lives so would manage fine. Go if it suits your own family right now.

What would your mum think? It's only selfish if you totally disregard someone else's opinion and don't accommodate it at all.

I left the uk aged 20 and have lived overseas for 23 years so my family are pretty used to it!

My df loves the fact that we are overseas because he gets to visit and travel and we go back to stay with him in the summer. My dmil can't imagine why anyone would live in the UK given the choice. We also stay with her over the summer. They have support networks (dh and I have siblings) and we can head back pretty quickly if need be.

I think that as with anything in life, you make decisions that are not set in stone and you can change, return etc when the time is right. No move is permanent.

Agree with JoandMax - I have lived overseas for over 20 years and do get on with my mum (DF dead) and pils!
Both my parents and pils lived abroad when they were younger (Mexico, US, Germany, Gibraltar, ME) and therefore realise that we may want to live somewhere other than the UK too.

Shanghaidiva - maybe it helps having parents who have done it too?? My mum lived in India and Australia as a child and has so many fond memories (even though it's 60 years ago!!) that she was excited her DGC get that too! My ILs have been expats all over the world for the last 25 years too

dh and i both left our family and moved from canada's east to west coast (it's far away) we did it for work/economic reason's during a long recession. our parents were happy knowing what and why we were doing this. have you talked to them and asked how they felt? they might be 100% behind you.

JoandMax - yes, I think you're right.
My bother has also been overseas for over 24 years and although my mum does miss us she knows that her grandchildren have more opportunities overseas than in the UK. She has also enjoyed some great holidays to Hawaii, Australia, Germany, Austria and China to visit us.

Do you have siblings ? If so be prepared for them to be very pissed off. My sister did this to me and I have dealt with everything as regards parents declining health, through multiple hospital visits / stays.to the stresses of emergency respite for dad vs full time job and balancing teenage kids . Through to fighting with hospitals to not keep them in when clearly dying and being with them both their deaths.
Sis was always financially fair - I got petrol paid for the 90 mins each way when they were at home etc but other than that did nothing.
I'm now finally sorting out dads probate and a will that splits everything equally between us. Yes I am very bitter. I try not to let it show- she is now the only blood relative I have left after all. But I did all that and she was in a lovely sunny country living the life of Riley. Popping over sometimes for them to be hugely great full shed visited ( and she did spend some weeks sorting the house but again I spent months going to and fro too)

My mum did it to me.
I was upset at first, but you have to live your own life. Don't live for other people, they won't always do the same for you.

I don't think there are any guarantees that siblings will help with the care of elderly parents, even when everyone lives in the UK.

It's not selfish at all. I am mid 50s and if my DDs said they were emigrating I would be very pleased for them and would be planning my trips to visit. DD1 already lives 500 miles and plane ride away and I manage to see her plenty. We also FaceTime on a regular basis. Go for it!

Palomb that's a pretty goady and unhelpful post.

I'm very close to my parents. They live 5 minutes from me and I see them almost every day. We won't stop loving each other just because I'm not round the corner.

Yes it is selfish

How will you choose between Canada and NZ?

I've lived in both. I would choose Canada.

While 'selfish' is a provocative word, I think you have to be prepared for the fact that it will have repercussions of one kind or another. You have to be happy to live with the full consequences of your choice, even if those don't become apparent for another 10 -15 years.

Yes there's a selfish element but there's also a selfish element staying. My parents emigrated and moved back and were both slightly annoyed at my dad's parents guilt tripping them. Theyover back to the UK when I was a baby for various reasons and I grew up with intentions to get back to my birthplace. Their view had always been that there's. No point staying in one place of you're not moving forward or its not right for you.

Before we emigrated last year, we ran it by both sets of parents and we had support from all sides. We even. Came to an agreement of alternating years for flying. We're. Flying back this year and they'll come out to us the year after.

Sure there's the chance that health can deteriorate but that can happen wherever you are. Do you really want to spend your life wishing you could do something? We've hadone plenty of friends say the only thingot holding them back from emigrating is their parents. I couldn't imagine being unhappy and staying just.for them. I want my kids to have the best life and I will fully support them if they decide to emigrate somewhere.

We had the support of our families. I think it's far more selfish for parents to guilt trip children who do want to move abroad. Turns out Dad had applied for a job abroad when I was a toddler - I had no idea!

When we announced our emigration my mum said "I can't bring you up to be independent, and then complain when you are!"

I have lived in the EU for 19 years, my brother has been in NZ since 2005. My mother visits him more often than she visits me. Just stares at DS rather than plays with him, yet my brothers dc are the apples of her eye.

Both parents were delighted that we were moving to interesting places, although I know my dad misses us both. He is ex-Navy and used to being posted and moving all over. He visits often and takes time to email, write, whatsapp and Skype - so we don't really feel any further than down the road.

I wouldn't move back to the UK if you paid me and gave me a free house, so it is what is best for us that is most important.

Emigrating is only as selfish as any other decision we make for ourselves. But it does have huge implications for your family. I accept that when my parents become frail they fully intend to move back to be close to me, and that 'burden' will fall to me. I'm OK with that. I watched them care for both sets of grandparents and I am ready to take that on in turn. Even before they emigrated, my sister and her husband lived hundreds of miles away, so there is no difference in practical terms - my parents would never have moved to my sister's new location anyway.

Speaking as the sister and daughter of people who have emigrated, I would say go - but own your decision. If you go, you have to accept that if you want to maintain close ties, you need to be the one to do the lion's share of the running when it comes to visits, and accept the financial and time costs of that.

There is no point in going but then trying to guilt those left behind into visiting you in your new home on a regular basis - even every other year. You chose your new location for you - but that doesn't mean that we necessarily want to spend all our holiday money and annual leave visiting that one place for the rest of our lives. Yes, we want to see you, but there is the rest of the world to see as well! Your part of the world is nice, but we've been there and seen it now, and we don't want to do the same tourist things every other year for the rest of our lives just to be able to see you. And when you come back to Europe, don't moan about how much time you spend travelling between family and friends and how it isn't a restful holiday for you - it was your choice. And in the nicest possible way, I don't really care how much it costs you - that is part of the calculation you make when you make that choice to emigrate.

My parents are very good about all that, but my sister is taking a lot longer (10 years and we're still working on it...) to get there. Yes, at times I have felt resentful, but we are learning to talk more and assume less. We try to go on holiday sometimes to the same place at the same time so that we get to see each other but also get to see different places. We're investing a huge amount of money extending our home so that family have an annexe when they come to stay, so they (and we) are more comfortable during extended visits. I never plan Christmas far enough ahead to post anything in November and get it there in time, so I now choose gifts for my nieces based around experiences I can book for them online such as tickets to shows, or label something we do together as a birthday treat even if it is very early or very late in the year because that is when we've managed to meet up. And Skype is a godsend! It can be done, but it needs effort.

I would be broken hearted if my daughters emigrated but I suspect I would be equally broken hearted if they didn't follow their dreams because of me. I don't think that helps really.

My oldest sibling and their family moved to NZ over 12 years ago and it was the best decision for them, their children have had a great life and wonderful opportunities.
My parents never guilt tripped them, gave them their blessing but the move absolutely broke my parents hearts. my parents initially visited them once every two years, however dad died 8 years ago and mums health has deteriorated since and she is now housebound.

I am now married myself with a young family and very disillusioned with my life and career here and want to move to NZ too. However having seen the trauma my siblings moved caused to my parents, I cannot bring myself to do it to mum at this time of her life. I have another sibling who is selfish and unpredictable and entirely unreliable so I can't leave him " responsible" for mum.

It's not selfish but it will have implications, and you need to be prepared for those. In particular, NZ is about as far away as you can get. I dont know your financial situation (or if you have DC), but will you be able to afford even an annual trip home? Children grow up fast and the relationship will not be the same as with GPs they see a lot. I think also mine and DH's parents find the "binge grandparenting" quite tiring. They really look forward to our summer visits (5 weeks- 2 weeks near DH's parents and 3 weeks with mine) but by the end they're ready to see them go because young DC are full on. I feel a lot of pressure for us all to have a lovely time together, which, in the first week at the end of a long school term, can be a big ask. It would be nicer for all if we saw them for a day a month like "normal people". Yes there is skype/facetime etc, but it isnt the same especially with a big time difference.

Another tough thing is that my experience of parenting/life in general in HK is something my mum and friends from home cant really relate to (albeit some of that is generational and income related) so I feel like I've grown away from my roots a lot and it can be hard when you go back- kind of difficult not to feel like a dick when your friends are bemoaning childhood costs and you're inthe amah zone.

We are actually incredibly lucky- my parents are 70 but in v good health, my sister lives here, so I see her all the time, and DH's sister also comes out a fair bit for work. It would make me sad to see family less than once a year.

So, I'm definitely not saying "dont go", but go for the right reasons (pull not push) and appreciate that family relationships will change as a result.

It's not selfish to go, no more than any of the other daily living choices you are likely to make. It may well impact on your relationship with your mum if you have a lot to do with her now. I have infrequent contact with my family and we are scattered around the UK so it didn't make that much difference when we lived abroad. We are planning on going away again and I know my MIL would prefer we stayed but we won't see that much less of her either way. I think the fantasies about extended family life are sometimes just that and the reality is that day to day it makes little difference. Having said that if you are a very close family with lots of face to face contact that will be a big change.

I am in a similar position to Abraiid. My only sibling emigrated almost twenty years ago. At the time it was fine, but now our parents are older and need more help I am aware she isn't going to be much practical use in an emergency. I would love to move abroad too but feel trapped because my sibling has already emigrated.