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Living overseas

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Moving UK to USA

64 replies

iamrioxo · 20/12/2015 18:09

I'm currently in a long distance relationship with someone who lives in Maine, USA. I have no desire to live in the uk and growing up America has always been the place I want to live in! However I have two young children both currently under 4 with a 5 year plan?
Can anyone give me any advice? The children aren't his either, they have a different father who was abusive, extremely abusive towards me and my children and we were involved with the social services and when I left their father I worked my butt off to get off from social services.
I'm worried that he'll try and object to it? However I feel deep inside that this will be beneficial to both the children and I. If anyone who has done this move? Thinking of doing this move or even in the same situation as me please just give me some advice through this?
Thank you

OP posts:
maa9144 · 24/12/2015 16:34

I live in the U.S. If you marry your partner and come here as a legal immigrant you and your children are entitled to Medicaid-full health care coverage depending on his income

Kacie123 · 24/12/2015 17:29

(Eek. Sorry for what has turned into a long post, but reading the thread has made me a bit worried about you ... I hope this gives some food for thought and doesn't come across as a "you're a terrible mother" post like some of the above perhaps have.)

It's just ... Even if you forget the money (let's assume you win the lottery) it is still a HUGE thing to plan based on a relationship that isn't even a few years old yet. I'm over a decade in to a relationship with my DH - we were in love right away, have barely spent a day apart since then, and I'm still learning who he is under pressure and more.

You don't really know this guy yet, and yes - time together does count. You can't fast-forward a relationship. Some people could marry after a week and watch it last, but I would bet everything I own that most would regret it.

On a practical note, five years from now your kids will have school friends and be very settled in their lives here. Moving to a whole other country to live with a new man as "dad" who they've never lived with before is a massive life change and will cause problems, it just will. I say this as someone messed up partly because of moves across schools within the UK in one steady family. Even as adults, DH and I moved 2 hours away and felt so lonely and lost that we eventually moved back. There are so many schooling and moving issues in your ideal plan that I don't know if you've thought about - and kids are adaptable but there are limits and so many variables that make a difference.

Having said "forget the money", realistically if you don't have a good job lined up and can't sustain yourself without the man's help you could be totally screwed. What happens if he's knocked down by a car? Healthcare is huge too. Everyone's healthy until they're not and two lost, frightened homesick kids may well develop more bugs and stress-related illnesses than you've ever noticed before.

Honestly (and I don't mean this to sound mean because it sounds like you're still getting over an abusive relationship and being a single parent which must be so tough) ... this really really sounds like daydreaming and imagining yourself out of your current life into a perfect idealised one, with a "safe" and idealised bloke who you can (for now at least) keep at arms length in a long-distance relationship.

The problem with daydreaming is that it's a distraction and isn't dealing with real issues. It's also a fuck of a slap in the face when it ends. People are asking about your relationship because you want to move to the USA to escape, but there is no escape - any issues you have won't change just because you're living on a different bit of rock - in fact they're more likely to be exacerbated.

I'm more than a bit worried about your partner too if he really thinks this is all simple, viable, and has absolutely none of these concerns. You just seem so, so vulnerable - please keep thinking things over.

And remember, you're not the only one who could get caught up in this daydream. If you spend 5 years telling your kids that life here is all temporary ("wait till we move to America!") and then you don't (maybe money, maybe a breakup, maybe something else) - well that will cause issues too. I still remember when we were finally settled somewhere, we had a long year of "we're moving to X" - visiting a new school, getting ready to say goodbye to friends, packing, and then we stayed put. It sounds like such a little thing but it can make an impact when you're young.

Thanks anyway - it sounds like you've had an absolutely terrible time of it and I'm not surprised you've projected some feelings on to the whole of the U.K. as a result. And congrats if you made it to the end of the longest thing I've ever posted to MN!

CherryPits · 25/12/2015 22:48

lamrioxo. I have to tell you, living in the USA is very, very different to the Uk but its not always necessarily better.

What is this guy in Maine's attitude towards your children and your ex-H?

KierkegaardGroupie · 25/12/2015 23:43

I Agree the US is a tougher country to be in than the UK. We, love it here in California but that is because we have one good income between us. Think it through carefully.
There is support if you are on a low income but not sure if you have to be a citizen to access it. It provides free healthcare for your kids. If your income is 40 k for example you word only pay $200 for a family for health insurance . I love many things about the US. But it is a country for the strong and the able and I think more live in poverty here compared to the UK.
Good luck though.

CherryPits · 26/12/2015 00:03

Kierkegaard - yes, you need to be a citizen to access welfare. However there are places which run medical centers, like in Venice, CA where they will help anyone who walks through the door, mostly mother and child centers.

Want2bSupermum · 26/12/2015 03:25

Nearly all welfare is available to US citizens only but I've seen them turn a blind eye at school for wrap care and FSMs. I know for housing they have turned a blind eye in my town too over the citizenship requirements. However I would never rely on the goodwill of others being willing to turn a blind eye.

maa9144 · 26/12/2015 03:30

You do not have to be a citizen to access welfare. You just have to be a legal resident. Which means you need to have a green card.

KierkegaardGroupie · 26/12/2015 04:33

Thanks I did not know that
I really love the US but agree with other posters...living here,makes you realise,how generous and admirable the UK welfare system I'd. It just is not like that here. You get food stamps rather than money and they control what you can buy...for example friend found if she tried to outlet sweet foods through, stamps did not cover them. I found that shocking. Can you imagine people tolerating that in UK? I think there is a strong....your life reflects your hard work sensibility so if you are struggling there is the perception you have brought it on yourself. Pioneer legacy or something. You do not want to be unemployed , sick or poor in the US.

CherryPits · 26/12/2015 12:43

maa9144 I'm sorry I'm pretty sure you're wrong. We are green card holders and we would not be eligible for welfare or Medicaid until we became citizens. This was explained to us when we got our green cards, by our lawyer.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 26/12/2015 14:19

I worked in the public sector in a field related to public assistance. Rules vary a bit from state to state. In most states people with LAPR status (Lawful Admission for Permanent Residence) qualify for TANF (Temp Aid to Needy Families) only if they meet secondary qualifications, such as having refugee or asylee status or one of the other qualifications. It's pretty convoluted. Also, benefits are usually 'timed' and you're only eligible for a set number of years, unless you attain citizenship during that period.

In short, if you aren't a citizen, don't count on qualifying for welfare. And if you do, it won't last forever.

iamrioxo · 27/12/2015 18:40

I'm not counting on welfare or anything.
I've been told by my partner that his job will offer him the family insurance if and when it comes to it. His attitude towards my children is fantastic. He doesn't like my ex however most people don't like my ex but he does stick up and support me if and when it's needed too. He's extremely supportive and willing to do anything and everything if I do ever move over to the US. For me, wanting to move to the US is a personal choice. I may have been born here, etc however I don't feel British, I don't feel like this is my home either I feel lost here.

I have already moved my children 4hours away from where they were originally that was with my ex etc.

I'm just looking for all the facts and figures etc and it seems a lot of it is very very mixed, which I'm guessing is due to the fact each state is different!

The healthcare no longer bothers me, I'm just literally going to save until I can get out there, both our families are being super supportive which is a plus. So if I need too they are there.

I adapt well to my surroundings, if we end up breaking up etc I will have to take each day as it comes.

OP posts:
CherryPits · 27/12/2015 20:11

I think you're being incredibly naive actually, based on your last post which reads very defensively.

You should put your children's needs first, not some pipe dream about going to the USA because you've "always fancied it"

Sorry to sound harsh, but you're coming off as a bit silly.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 27/12/2015 20:26

Having health insurance is a requirement, so your partner needs to be sure you meet the requirements as a domestic partner, and that your kids would qualify as family members.

I think the thing about welfare is just so you understand that if things don't work out for you and him that you most likely are NOT going to have any type of 'safety net' to fall back on if you aren't self supporting.

kansasmum · 27/12/2015 21:09

I moved to the US for 5 years with my dh's job so we had excellent support, healthcare insurance and help.
We also had fantastic support from his boss and wife and other work friends. And it was still hard! Silly things like knowing what's what in the grocery store, finding your way around, how the school system works, passing the driving test ( that was very easy though!!).
I'm sorry but you do seem very naive. You hope and pray your kids don't get ill and say they are very healthy. My daughter was super healthy and sporty and never ill. She got appendicitis which ruptured and she ended up with peritonitis and very very ill. 3 days in ICU, ventilated etc. 6 weeks of IV antibiotics at home via Picc line administered by me and a total bill of nearly $100K. Most was paid for by insurance but not all. You CANNOT save for this type of illness even if you save for next 5 years as you plan. You have no idea or so it seems, of what your partners healthcare plan will cover.

We may share a common language but living in the US is VERY VERY different to the UK. It's not all great and better than Uk.
I'm sure the grass looks a lot greener and sounds like you've been through hell.
What do you currently do for a job? If you aren't planning on marrying straight away you will find it nigh on impossible to get a visa unless you have company sponsorship lined up. Have you looked into the different visas?
I'm sorry but saying you're planning on saving madly for next 5 years then going out to the USA really smacks of naivety. It's like you've decided to go regardless of anything else as an escape from UK.
I suggest you do a LOT more research before you make a decision.
As you've been in an abusive relationship, I'm surprised you're considering moving so far and relying SO MUCH on one person. I'm sure you're new partner is lovely and genuinely supportive( otherwise you'd wouldn't be considering a move!!) but it's a HUGE risk to move so far and put all your eggs in one basket so to speak.

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