SAHMs - how do you deal with visitors

[AnnaMarlowe]

I currently work full time but due to a prospective job move abroad for DH it looks like I'm going to end up as a SAHM of school age children due to visa restrictions.

As we'll be living somewhere interesting I'm pretty sure that we'll have a number of visitors during our time abroad.

I'm looking for advice/experience as to how to manage visitors (some who may potentially stay weeks)?

Do you spend your time as a tour guide? Do you just abandon your routine while they are there?

Any pitfalls to avoid or wisdom to impart?

For me, working away from home A LOT saved my marriage and my relationship with PILs. They weren't self sufficient, wouldn't have just hired a car to wander around, so DH chauffeured them around sightseeing (limited where we are) and coffee shops. It would be much better to encourage independence... At least we had a house with enough room to almost avoid each other.
But I've seen a lot of really pesky house guest stories on here, I think you have to plan ahead and set out expectations if you're somewhere people will want to come, or you'll be used as a guest house.
Pop over to Living Overseas for more specific info which might help you plan. And good luck!

OP- ask this to be moved to Living Overseas. We can wax lyrical about visitors for ages. My rules:

• No-one stays with us. Fortunately we live in HK where no-one has spare rooms so this isn't a huge issue but I promise you if you can enforce this you will be so much happier.
• Arm visitors with local mobile with SIM and a load of options for what they can do, but make it clear at the outset that you will not be the tour guide. You need to prep this over email for weeks in advance ("can I book any tours for you etc?"). Otherwise you'll be so bored of the Empire State Building or wherever that you'll want to kill yourself.
• Encourage them to be out for lunch.
• Make it clear that your DH only has x holiday and can't take holiday every time visitors come.
• Be generous with your time in the evenings and weekends.
• Appreciate that parents and in laws sometimes just want to connect with your lives so don't assume they won't want to just join in the routine. my mum always volunteers at my DC's schools while she stays and just likes to watch them do their sports and classes, have playdates (and even just go to the dentist and stuff).

HTH

It's tricky, even if you don't live somewhere likely to attract family for an actual holiday.

My parents moved to be 'near' me after i left London for the wilds of rural mid England. Fine - except that they chose the same district ... same village ... same road ... 2 properties down the lane! Eek.

Not much advice. It is hard going, especially if you're not a fan of the 'i can just just pop in with no warning now, as we're only 2 doors down!' scenario

Sound busy when you chat.
Sound busy when they ring.
Don't give anyone a key.
Find or invent a commitment you have to honor a couple of days a week (which can change without warning!) making it hard for you to have a firm routine of when you're in and when you're out.

I realise this makes me sound like an antisocial cow, but there we are

Good luck OP.

Set very, very clear expectations that you are not their tour guide. You have your own life and while clearing a day or two or ten however many you want to do things with them is nice, you don't drop out of your life for their convenience.

And if you want to do touristy things, be available for different things with different people. Or you'll see the same thing over and over and over again.

Thanks everyone some really good thoughts here.

I have a vague fear that kids will be at school and DH will be at work and I'll be stuck for 6 hours a day looking at relatives and having to put life on hold.

One particular set are very lovely but haven't been outside the UK so I'm not sure if they will be confident enough to hire a car and ramble off on their own, especially on a first visit.

They are also the set that are likely to want to stay for weeks and weeks each visit.

I suspect I'm worrying about this because it stops me worrying about a very, very long list of other things.

I'll take Sophie's advice and get the thread moved to Living Overseas.

Thanks MN Towers for moving!

Make sure you move somewhere either too far or too boring to be attractive to visitors

I am an expert in this!

You need to be honest about things. Don't agree to people visiting for long periods of you don't want them to. Spread guests out. If friends visit ask for a contribution to food if its for an extended time. Be open and honest about money - it's better to talk about it rather than everyone getting irritated.
Ask guests to help out with chores. They may be in holiday mode but that doesn't mean you are in chalet girl mode.
Try and get houses with guest suites so you can leave them to their own devices.
It's essential that you don't drop your new local friends just because you have visitors - make sure you carry on with your normal activities.
We had dozens of visitors over the years and mostly really enjoyed their company. I thought some were a bit lazy and I wished I had asked them to help out a bit more.

And get them to visit the region. When we lived in Asia, my dad would come for a month but 3 weeks of that would be traveling round the region, hopping on budget flights to Thailand and Indonesia etc. He used our place to catch up with us 3 days at a time and get washing done, worked really well.

Second what keyser says - my mum just joins in with whatever the kids are doing - sport, assembly at school, piano practice etc.
Other visitors are harder work as we live in China and they need me to translate or take them everywhere - which becomes tiresome very quickly. Have booked surprise facials for mil just so I could have a break.
We have been out of the UK for over 20 years and the most annoying thing about visitors is them chatting about people I have never met, the neighbours, other people's operations etc - am tired of pretending any of this is of interest to me.

My PIL visit for 3-4 weeks and take over. I work lots of hours and try to plan travel during that time. Once they leave everything if focused on getting the kids back into heir routine.

My MIL told DH this weekend on her birthday that they would be visiting for Christmas. I said no because my dad is visiting and they are very needy guests. My dad is awesome and really mucks in. He sends us out on date nights and reads obituaries of war heros to the kids, building forts with them after school to try and teach them strategy. This year he is determined to teach dd how to play chess.

I'm sure I'll be very pleased to have visitors from home but I think that you are all right, some visitors will be easier than others.

At the moment we live fairly close to our families so only have them staying a night or two. A couple of weeks might be a big change (for them and us!)

Thankfully there won't be any translation problems to worry about.

It's a good idea to encourage some travelling in the region. Break up the trip a bit.

I'm am only an expert in this field.

This is our 6th move in 10 yrs and we have had visitors in almost all the countries we have relocated too.

I always do a big supermarket shop with the visitors when they arrive, making it clear that can cook for themselves and help themselves to food as and when they require it. I have enough to do without being a full time chef!

Family are always keen to spend time with the kids so I always try to let them have their special time...this is normally a few hours at the pool after school while the baby sleeps, this means I get an hour to myself and can get organized.

I always ask visitors before they arrive if there is anything they would particularly like to do...if I fancy it I will go along, if not I will get all the details and contact numbers and help them arrange a day trip etc.

I'm very lucky to have a full
Time helper, I pay her more when we have visitors as they work load increases. Takes the stress out of trying to do the mundane tasks as well as entertaining!

So many mistakes trying to feed baby and settle him while typing

I have a similar issue OP as I live in London but am from abroad. Remember you don't have to say yes to every visitor who wants to come and stay, you don't have to say yes to every Tom, Dick and Harry that you haven't seen for years. I use to have this problem when I first moved here in my 20s with various school mates wanting to crash at mine on their travels for a few days, it was fine at first when I was just flatting by myself and enjoyed the company but it did start to get wearying being used as bed 'n breakfast constantly after I moved in with DH. I gave them the key and some maps, showed them where everything (bedroom, bathroom etc) was and left them to it. Most of them did contribute something but there were some lazy guests. Thankfully as the years go by, visitors are now just close friends and family as they all seen London, have families etc.

Also if it's not convenient time to visit say so.

With my mum, she comes and stays 4-6 weeks, she'll stay 2 weeks, then goes off somewhere in Europe / visit PIL oop north for a fortnight, come back for another fortnight.

Make yourself crystal clear that you are not a tour guide / taxi service / bed 'n breakfast and be clear on the amount of time they can stay. Ask them if you want a hand with the dishes, money for groceries etc. If they want to do nothing, then they need to stay at a hotel.

ShanghaiDiva Aaarrrghhhh @ other people's operations. I don't know if this is an expat issue but "do you remember x's wife's sister's cousin, she's having terrible trouble with her knees / stomach / little finger..." Sorry, off track, but drives me bonkers!

Please, whatever you do, don't have guests to stay with you for weeks at a time. The longest we had anyone was for 10 days and that was my mum after DS1 was born. She was fab and I didn't want her to leave, but anyone else I found tiresome after about three days. I've read some absolute horror stories on here about friends, relatives and hangers-on who pitch up for a weeks at a time and I know there are plenty of parents and ILs that do this, but if I can give you one piece of advice its for god's sake don't let people take advantage or you will be extremely resentful.

What can you do? Check out the local sights, pick up leaflets and flyers, have a couple of laminated maps you can hand out, and then send them off with a cheery wave. Above all, make it clear when they announce their trip that you can point them in the right direction, but you won't be able to join them every day and that at least some of the time you will have 'things to do'.

Having said that, before we moved (to NYC), everyone and their dog said they'd come and visit, but actually it wasn't too bad. We were there for six years and in that time my mum and sister came twice a year, my dad and aunt came twice and we had a few sets of friends who stayed for one or two nights (most people our age have partners and jobs, so holiday time is not unlimited thank the lord!), and that was it. So maybe it won't be as bad as you think.

juneau we'll be about 11 ish hours travelling time away so I don't think we'll be able to avoid visits of a fortnights duration. I'm trying to set expectations that that's my maximum though.

For those who've had visitors when the kids were at school, who wouldn't go out on their own for day trips- what did they do? Hang around and watch you do the ironing?

If they are coming for 2 weeks ideally they need to bugger off mid week when everyone is busy and return for a long weekend. My in laws don't do this. Instead they move between the sofa and the dining table and wait for DH to come home.

It depends so much on the visitor -
My FIL is hugely independent, we give him keys, a bus card and off he goes. He made sure he knew of the kids had activities after school and where do he'd could be back to watch those (by the way there is a tip - when you by a car think about inevitable visitors - will they plus kids fit, and if not what are taxi/bus options like? You don't need to buy a car just to accommodate visitors but do add it to your list of considerations)
Conversely my mum has visited us lots and so really doesn't want to do sight seeing unless there is something new in town. She happily potters around our routine but equally brings books and crosswords and will sit by herself.
Then of course we have my Dad and SM who need handholding everywhere and start the morning with 'so what shall we do today...?' We limit their trips and I'm brutally honest with them and very very specific - 'on X day I am doing this, you can't come but on Y day lets do this together, and on Z day I've booked you to go here.'

Lord bad typing there but you get the drift - must be time for another coffee!

Supermum I fear I may have a similar situation.

My own parents are very self sufficient and will read/do crosswords/mum will bring knitting/they'll potter in their own.

My pils, though extremely nice, don't read for pleasure and are likely to need far more handholding I think. I'm keen that they should visit of course but I want their visits to be enjoyable for all concerned.

I'm sure I'm worried about nothing, as I mention before there's a whole list of other things I should be worried about! I'll be back with more threads

Good point about the car size. Definitely something to think about.

We just rent a 2nd car when people visit. It's cheaper and easier.

Maybe you won't want to say location, but is it California?

My tip, arm them with a good old fashioned paper map, tram passes and a list of 'only known to the local' type cafes and bars.

Hmm right. Well, if you fully expect your parents and ILs to pitch up for a couple of weeks at a time I guess the best you can do is manage expectations, but do be realistic. Some people simply don't go out by themselves. My ILs come over mercifully infrequently from the US, but when they come they expect DH to drop everything, take time off work and ferry them around in my fucking car . Last time they were here I had to walk everywhere pushing the sodding push chair, because we couldn't all fit, and of course the guests had to be ferried everywhere and if DH had to go into work for an unavoidable meeting they sat on the sofa asking loudly when he will be back, sighing and looking at their watches. Old people, IME, don't like driving overseas unless they're used to it. It was the longest five days of my life and I thank my lucky stars that it was only five days!