How often do you go 'home'?

[dontevenblink]

Just wondering how often you go 'home' to the UK (or elsewhere). We've been in NZ for just over 3 years and have 4dc under 7, and have not been back yet. We have no plans to either, one of the reasons being that we don't have the money to.

My sister, however, has just got quite upset at me and said that I was being selfish not coming home every year, and that as I was the one who emigrated that I should be the one to make the effort. I explained to her that with 4 young dc and no money for flights (even just me flying back is out of our reach at the moment without us getting into debt) it just wasn't practical and that I would love to have seen her regularly if I could. She says that I'm unreasonable as people she knows fly back regularly, even with young children, so I just wondered what you good people of mumsnet do? How often do you get back and if you don't mind me asking, is it a struggle to do so?

Before having dc i used to go once every two or 3 years, and only because we had to reapply for a visa or such.

Now with dc i think we will try to go more often.

Buy if you cannot afford it then you cannot go. Your dsis is bvu. Has she visited you?

No, she has told me that as she visited New Zealand a few years ago she doesn't feel the need to come back She said she would come see us last year but then decided to go to a distant friends wedding in India instead as she wanted to visit there.

Riiiight.
It would be easier for her to go to you than for you and your family to go to her, right? But she doesnt go because she travels to exotic places only?
Did i understand correctly?

Pretty much. She is very big on travelling and even took 3 months off work to do so, but we are pretty far down on the list of places to come apparently...

Well if you can't afford it, you can't afford it and that's that and your DSis is being a bit of a cow to make you feel bad.

I do kind of agree with her though that if you move, the onus is on you to do the travelling. We lived OS for several years and only had two regular visitors (my DM and DSis) and I suspect that's at least in part because we lived in a desirable place to visit (NYC), with regular, not-too-long and not prohibitively expensive flights. We used to come back a couple of times a year too, because it was easy to do so and we only had one DC back then. With four under seven I can't imagine what a flight from NZ would be like, but the word 'hideous' springs to mind!

I am extremely fortunate to be able to afford to fly back every year with my 2 DSs. DH doesn't come as that would obviously increase the costs, plus he has less connection with his family in the UK, being half Australian. I, otoh, miss my Dad a lot and want my sons to know him, and my sister and her children. Dad is over 80 now and while still in relatively good health, I still want them to have a good connection with him while they still can as who knows what will happen and what could change.

For me it's a "risk analysis" of the guilt factor - and missing a year, and then my Dad getting sick or worse, would be awful - whereas spending money that we can afford, although it means we have almost no savings, salves my conscience and is, I believe, good for my DSs. But I will reiterate, we only do this because we can afford to.

My sister will never be able to come here as she has 3 DC and couldn't afford the trip. My Dad will never be able to come here because he has had 3 DVTs and, with his age and blood condition, has been advised that he shouldn't fly for more than 3h together, which makes it impossible to get him here (even with Clexane/warfarin/whatever). So we go there.

Your sister, OTOH, is being VU to whinge about you not returning when you clearly can NOT afford it, and she CBA to visit you because she's "done" NZ before.

I am from NZ and living in Switzerland. We are about to fly back next week for the first time in 3 years (only 1 DC). On average I'd say we go back every 3 years. We could probably afford more in financial terms, but it's also the "costs" of screaming baby on the plane for 24+ hours, using all holiday allowance ever on family visits (DH is from a third country), etc.

It really doesn't matter if everyone else visits 10 times a year though. If you don't have the money, you can't go. And your sister is being obtuse if she doesn't see that. I'd calculate the cost of 6 return flights and if she carries on ask her where she expects you to pull 10-15,000 dollars from!!

And the childish part of me would be tempted to add that you've already "done" the UK too

We do Seattle every other christmas. We have 2 toddlers. MIL flies over to us once a year too. It's a big dent in finances and holiday allowance though.

Yes schokalade the thought of 4dc on a plane fills me with dread, it was bad enough coming out here with 2! And to having 'done' the UK, the thought had crossed my mind!

A friend from nz told me that for her to go home from the uk takes 22 hours and 3 flights!
I dont envy her.

While I can sort of see why the emigrant should be the one one to return, if you don't have the money, you don't.

OP, if your DS is so insistent you come back, will she put you up? After all, it's hardly a holiday, you've lived there for however long. This is the bit about "when are you coming back" that gets on my threepennies: when are you coming back, to stay in a motel, eat out in restaurants, thrash up and down the motorways of the UK, use up your holiday entitlement. In a place you know like the back of your hand.

When I go back it will have to include a massive holiday that is unrelated to rels, much as I love them. None of whom have visited, though they would be comfortably housed, fed, watered, and shown round.

Bitter? oh no, not me.:o

we live in the US and all our family are in the UK. It's a 7 hour direct flight. So far we've gone back at least once a year, but I'm not planning on doing that this summer, for a few reasons.

My nieces are coming to us for 2 weeks anyway.
My family pick on DD and don't seem to like her very much (she's dx on the spectrum and they don't seem able to accept that)
MIL is a toxic bitch who has deliberately made DD cry the last 2 visits (wonder why we moved so far?)
I have a pretty busy life here.

Although I get a long summer as a teacher, I actually work for most of it, and I'm doing an MA, and I like to have some relaxation in my beautiful American sunshine. DH almost never goes, he only gets 2 weeks, and I run myself ragged driving & flying to visit all the family in the space of 2 weeks. It costs a few thousand, even just for 2 of us with an easy flight. Only one person has bothered to come and see us in the past 6 years. Quite frankly, sleeping on spare beds that should have gone out with the Ark, being stuck in traffic in the UK, and having shitty behavior from the family and shitty weather for 2 weeks doesn't really appeal.

And breath! You've touched a nerve, OP.

Every summer for 2 wks and every other Christmas. We're a 12 hr flight but at least it's direct. Dh is in the UK once a quarter for work as well. I do like going back even though it's always a bit manic and we probably will return to be UK at some point so worth maintaining he relationships.

This is home now, we've been here two years and have no plans to back. My mum is coming out this year for the first time, I have no siblings and I'm never homesick so can't see me going back much at all.

When we lived in Europe we used to go back once per year to visit relatives and occasional other trips for exhibitions etc.
We moved to China 7 years ago and have not been back to UK since. I would rather spend my holidays in Asia or NZ and I have not lived in UK for 20 years so it isn't really home anymore.

We have been back every couple of years since we moved here (8 years ago). So 3 times, and we were due to head back last year but my parents came here for Xmas hols instead. I would love to go back this year but can't see how we can afford it at the moment. I may head back myself later in the year as it's a big anniversary for the folks.

OP I understand that you can't afford it for all of you but I'm curious, don't you miss your family and friends? I would have (and did) pretty much move heaven and earth (worked 2 jobs) in order to scrape the $$ together so I could go home. I feel less motivated to make the flight now but I was desperate to go home in the early days.

We are in our fourth year abroad and have been going home twice a year. We have 2 dds (9,2)
Dh and I from different continents, and we have tried to visit both countries at least once - mostly twice a year, but have now decided this is now too much. It was fairly easy when we were in North Africa, but way more expensive and more hassle with the jet lag since coming to China.
We have agreed to alternate summers between our home countries and to save Xmas for ourselves. We didn't come overseas to spent all our time going home.
However, we are fortunate that we are teachers and get lots of holidays so we can still travel locally. We are also fortunate that have three sets of involved grandparents who are all willing and able to visit - and they all usually come out once ( or twice) a year.

dontevenblink - I can't believe your sister ! She needs to stop putting conditions on your emigration, even after the fact.

Also, how come she can spend her holiday time and money how she pleases but then thinks she can dictate to you how to spend your holiday time and money ? It's not her that's going to be tired, broke and bewildered with jet lag on arrival in the UK is it ?

Some people have got no idea......

BTW I am British and have lived in NZ for four years.

kickassangel - yup, I can understand your point of view entirely.

7 years.. Not been back and no desire or plans to do so! This is our life. This is our world. One day we will take dc #4 of them to the uk. But no appeal. Yes I miss my amazing friends but in 7 years we are not the same people. They have moved on too.
I guess difference is a temporary expat or a permanent move

I've been back twice in 6 years. Haven't been in 3 years and am actually not that bothered. Trips back are hard work and I would rather explore this region and go to the Pacific and lie on the beach and do nothing. My parents have been out three times. I miss my pals but a quick visit isn't quite the same anyway.

DH has been back at least once a year as he gets flights paid for.

Your sis in being very selfish. Does she understand how much the flights alone would cost? It's phenomenal when you work it out as a percentage of your income.

Agree with others that this is home now, the UK never felt like home to us a anyway. We're not ever going to go back, we left the UK for a reason and don't want to waste our vacation time going back when we could be having fantastic holidays elsewhere.
We've had all the attempted guilt trips about family not knowing our son and him not knowing them (he's ten months old and we do have the resources to be able to go back, which is a very sore point) but we're all flourishing here and we are all better off well away from our toxic families. I suppose it might be different if you got on with your family.
Your sister is bvu, everyone lives their lives they way they feel best, you shouldn't have to answer to anyone on your choices, it's not their business, and to expect you to do a plane trip from NZ with four children?! FGS.

I going to disagree with the OP and most of the posters so far. We live in Europe and go home at least 3-4 times a year. Moving to australia next year and will be budgeting to go home at least once a year. I agree with the OP's sister in that it is our choice to live abroad and so the onus is on us to go home rather than expect people to visit us. But I have found that once you make the effort to visit they also make the effort too. I hate the idea of DD not having contact with her grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. I sacrifice alot so that we can travel so much. But on the other hand life would be so much more expensive and with less pay in the uk, so that it evens out in reality. Although having said that I imagine that only having one child versus 4 does make a huge difference.

I am only 7 hours away, but will be going to the UK this summer. Haven't been for 2 years, but my sisters have been to see me, and my one of my nieces and nephew. Couldn't go last summer as nephew was here with me, and then we took him travelling with us instead. There is far too much of a world to see out there, and I would feel resentful if I had to spend all of my holiday in the UK. Costs less for family to visit me, than it does for me to visit them. And the weather here is much better.

I have alot of friends overseas with and without children
All come back min annually usually every 6 months or so
Mainly oz, HK, USA, Dubai