How do your families handle you living in another country?

[humpydumpy]

Just wondering how your parents handled the news you were leaving and how they are coping now?

My parents understandably were very upset and not very supportive of our decision to move to Oz. Now we have been here 10 months my mum is still very emotional and tries to make me feel guilty. This is making it very hard to speak to her on the phone as I feel I have to watch what I say incase I upset her.

Also, they were due to come and visit my inlaws this year as they live here, but now are saying they are not going to come as my dad can't handle the thought of having to say goodbye again. They are not sure when they will feel ready to visit.

I fully understand why they feel the way they do but was wondering how other families are coping.

Reading that almost made me cry. I have watched my dh say goodbye to his family both times when we visited and left Oz. It broke my heart. Saying goodbye is hard. When I went to see my dad before I left for Oz, we didn't even broach the subject, there was no big goodbye, no big emotions. I phoned my dad when I got home and told him that I felt flat, even posted on here as I felt like it should have been different. He said that he couldn't watch me drive away crying, it was easier not to mention it at all than watch his baby crying.

We stay in touch via email and msn, I can't phone him at the mo, he doesn't have a landline phone that works atm. But I honestly think this is easier, tbh. I know I will cry when I hear his voice, he will too.

You would have to ask him how he feels, to get an honest answer, but from my pov, he is happy that I have moved, he wants me to be happy and I am. Very. He is proud that I have taken this oppurtunity to follow my dreams, as is my sister & brother.

I do understand that your family is hurting, my sitster couldn't bare for ages to send me a good luck card and my brother sent me a cd with a song on it that I haven't listened too.

Your family should come and see you, if only to see how happy you are. Saying goodbye will hurt and that is something I don't look forward to the first time my friends/relatives come to stay.

Fwiw, I don't know when I'll see my dad again. He won't come here, doesn't like flying, hasn't even got a passport. Saying that, you won't get any of my family on a plane! So it's up to me to visit them, that's a huge burden on me.

I haven't spoken to my mum for 13 years, (that's for another thread) and I bumped into her at the local post office before I left. She knew I was leaving, my sister told her, and yet she looked at me like I was a total stranger. She knew it was me because she phoned my sister within minutes of leaving the PO to say she had seen me. I couldn't have spoken to her, she has rejected me again and again and now I know she would have just done it again.

I realy don't know where this is going, but I am trying to say that I understand how you feel. Our parents spend our younger years keeping us close and teaching us to be our own people, yet when we make a move like this it is hard on them.

Thanks for the reply. Thinking back to when I had to say goodbye has got me fighting back the tears (am at work), it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I felt so bad as it was my decision and actions that were upseting everyone and it would have only taken me saying I wasn't going to stop the hurt. I have this huge guilt over taking their only grandaugher away from them. But I feel so sad that they feel they can't visit as no matter how much time passes, it is never going to be easy to say goodbye again.

Have any of your family tried to make you feel guilty over your decision?

Sorry about you and your mum too.

"I felt so bad as it was my decision and actions that were upseting everyone and it would have only taken me saying I wasn't going to stop the hurt"

How well I relate to that! Many a night spent in her bed in the first 4 weeks trying to comfort her when she cried for her friend, or our dog, or asking to go home. Crying myself and thinking that it was all my fault, I said yes to dh, I could have/should have said no! I still feel like that now, neither of us have found a circle of friends yet, and so it's just us. That's the hardest part for me.

My family never made me feel guilty (yet) even if they thought I should be/was. My sister was quietist, my brother and dad just saying how lucky I was to get this oppurtunity.

The longer it is left for you all, the harder it will be. It's not fair that you should feel guilty, you haven't done anything wrong (says she who can;t take this advice herself!)

It was hard to leave my IL's they had been my 'family' in the UK for three years. Even harder was knowing that I was taking their only grandchild and grandchild - to - be with me.

My Il's were very upset - cue lots of tears on they day we left. BUT my MIL knew we were doing the best for us but especially dd1. SHe has seen how dd1 has just blossomed and how life in Aus is good for all of us.

makes it hard when you face what we have faced with FIL this year sudden diagnosis of cancer and dead three months later. Really aware of the distance.

IL's have not visited and I think MIL is thinking about it - but it is a big step for her to come by herself.

I know the IL's and dh's sister miss him and us terribly but again know it is best for us.

Funnily MIL never ever tried to make me feel bad or like I was taking her son away. She in fact said she was not surprised we were coming to live in Aus ( I am aussie by the way)

My mum had to handle me flying off to England with 2 weeks notice to live for as long as I saw fit. I had not intended to return so soon but things change. IN fact I was off to work and travel etc. Met dh, married him, had dd1 and pregnant with dd2 when I returned 4 years later. She supported me - said she would miss me - only daughter and youngest child but wanted me to do what I thought was best for me and my life.

my MIL has never met dd2 and FIL will never meet her. Not sure if that will remain - hopefully baby no3 might spur MIL to be brave enough to come out to see us.

Be a while before we are back - given that we have just spent over $5000 for dh to go back twice in three months.

Never ever made to feel guilty - MIL said she would miss us and would get teary on the phone but always wanted the best for us and was very supportive of whatever decision we made.

My sister has been brill about the whole thing, so in that sense I am very lucky. She has been so positive and supportive even though we were both upset saying goodbye. She has even booked a flight to come and see me and gets here on the 27 December (there is a part of me already thinking about when she has to go home).

It's my parents who are making things hard. For example, when I told them of our plans they could only point out all the negatives. Now when I speak to them my mum always makes a point of saying something to make me feel guilty usually about DD. I really have to watch what I say as certain topics make it easier to find something negative to say. Like I have said, I do understand why they are upset.

I just wish they could show alittle bit of support. We are so happy here and have been given some amazing opportunities, which have confirmed that this was definatly the right decision for us as a family.

eidsvold - sorry to hear about your fil, I guess it is time like that you realise the distance. I try and remind myself it is only a day away.

eidsvold, when somethng like that happens, it does make you very aware of distance.

I try not to think of the worse things, but for you, well it was your reality. Hope things are getting better, albeit slowly, for all of you.

I hope you mil does find the strength to visit you and meet you lo.

Sometimes I think we absorbe too much of our families negativity. Hd, try not to take too much of the guilt on board, I think it will end up making this experience so much more negative that it should be.

something that dh and I said to each other one day was - our dd1 has a fab life ( she has special needs) here in Aus and even if we both hated it - just looking at her and the life she has here we know we made the right decision and would never have regretted it for a minute.

Wouldn't it be great if they could all just forget about their upset and fears of flying etc and make the best of a bad situation. Life is to short to worry about all that stuff. I am planning to go back next year to visit even though i know it will be hard saying goodbye but I am still going to have a damn good time.

i think it is harder when you are older - they really would not have travelled as youngsters - not like us - I have lived in the US for five months, travelled to the US a number of times, travelled throughout Australia and of course went and lived in the UK for four years. My mum's generation never did that and even now most of them don't do that.

And that is what it comes down to, how it effects YOUR life. Sometimes you have to be selfish and know that you are doing the best for your family.

Once we are settled and dd has a few friends things will be OK. It gets a bit lonley sometimes, but then it's early days for us.

OMG, I would be furious if my parents ever tried to make me feel guilty for moving to the UK! Oddly enough, mum never did it (dead now) and dad never would either.

They very rarely came over - wedding, birth of first grandchild, but their finances are tighter than ours, and I have lots of people to visit in Canada, and want my kids to grow up aware of their dual heritage, even if they are effectively really just English.

That's the thing, the main reason for me saying yes to the move was because of what I felt Oz had to offer DD.

I am very aware that because of dd dual nationality she may well choose to go off and live in UK when she is older. I would like to think that even though I would be upset I would support her and be making plans to get over and see her etc.

humpty, that's my thought too, How would I cope, if in years to come dd decided she wanted to go to the UK, just like my dh did all those years ago. Of course I would support her, even tho inside I would (more than likely) be falling apart!

I havn't read all the posts but I have been in NZ for 4 years. I was made to feel extremely guilty for taking my parents only grandchild to the other side of the world. When I had DS2 here they refused to visit to help even though I had post natal depression and seriously struggled. They still have never been. I take my DS's home every year and the tears and guilt at Heathrow is something else. My mother even todl me to leave DH and come home or she would never speak to me again shortly after we came. Needless to say it has been hard but the quality of life for DS's makes it worth the while (most of the time!!)

sibble - that is awful. How to you handle it? Do you just learn to ignore and let it go over your head? Can't imagine still dealing with it all after 4 years.

I've lived in the uk now for 23 years,left canada when I was 20 supposedly for only 3 years!
My parents have luckily never made me feel guilty anout it but I know what you mean about the dreading them leaving before they even get here.My parents visit atleast once a year,used to be more when they were younger.
Thing is my mum emigrated to canada from scotland so she did the same thing to her mum.
I really don't want my dd to do the same to me

Hardest things are having your family to stay.It's just too stressful having your parents living with you for weeks.I would love to beable to visit for a few hours,a weekend like others do.

When an illness strikes it's really hard being so far away.

My children not seeing their grandparents as much as they should.

Al in all though I chose to stay here and settle and I love it here.I am glad it's not as far as Oz though, must be hard if your family find it difficult to visit.
I do miss my brothers they don't visit as much as they'd like.

i can totally relate to this whol thread!
we've been living in the uk for 5 years now and i've never felt guilty about it really until i had ds. I never wanted children and my mom was always so glad because we're so far away. so when we changed our minds and had ds she was both happy and sad. he;s her first and only grandchild.
We talk to them via webcam every couple of days but it's not the same.
they don't try to make me feel guilty as such, but there are comments that lean that way.

"but now are saying they are not going to come as my dad can't handle the thought of having to say goodbye again."
my mom came by herself for ds's 1st birthday this year because my dad couldn't deal with it. i've never seen him cry like he did when they left here after first meeting ds.
and ggirl - i totally relate to what you said about visiting for short periods of time. by the time they leave, as sad as it is to say goodbye, part of me is just so relieved!

It has never bothered mine,probably because my parents have lived (and are still living) abroad for 40 years!

My older sister lives in Martinique now,after years in France,and we are in Turkey a lot and probably somewhere new next year.

Our feeling is that we see each other for good quality holidays at least twice a year and speak frequently on the phone.

This is more than a lot of families who live in the same country do!

I have only recently moved to Spain (yes I know it's very close to the UK)I am my mum's only child and am pregnant with her first grandchild. In my case it's me who feels remarkably guilty. She has already been to visit and will continue to do so however, I just can't help but think I have taken her grandchild away from her and she is basically alone. Having said that when she is here there is always an underlying tension between her and my husband and last time she went back I felt a sense of relief. (followed by guilt)

Six years ago i moved to the UK to be with my then fiancee, My mother came for our wedding but hated it and hasn't visited since, Whe i fell pregnate with DS and was very sick with hyperemisis all my mother said was for me to come home she promised to come for his birth but when it got down to the line she said she didn't think I wanted her to come so she didn't. Despite having asked her to come. so she didn't get to see her grandchild till he was 4 months old. The whole time making me feel guilty for having moved to England in the first place to be with dh.

My dad is ok he says i'm probably better off here but he won't fly to see us and niether will my mother. So its up to us to fly out to see them twice a year. They have mellowed a bit but if i talk to my mother too long on the phone on a sunday she starts up with wanting us to move to the states. Which isn't possible at this time as my husband has his own photography buisness (mainly weddings) and it needs him.

Needless to say things can get very stressful at times. oh forgot to mention a year before moving here my mother had breast cancer, she had the lump removed and gone through chemo and had the all clear before i moved here but says I abandoned here in the middle of treatment which i did not. SO I'm the bad daughter who ran away to england and dosent visit often enough with her grandson. they don't visit us have never visited us, and probably will never visit us.

daemara,why don't they want to visit?Are they phobic about flying?
That must be really hard for you.I know we feel a pressure to use up our valuable holiday time to go to Canada.I do love going there but would also love to use the time/money to visit other places occassionally.
We took my parents to Italy with us this year which worked out really well.

Feel for you so much - have been away from home (NZ) for seven years now and it's a long time. I'm lucky though as it was never an issue for me -I visited lots and my mum visited lots. My dad has never been but then I didn't expect it. They are both British living in NZ but Mum was thrilled that I had taken the opportunity to see the world...I think she accepts that it's my life and that there are so many things to experience. Much harder now that DS is here though, and that she is likely to be too sick too travel from now on. We are planning a move back to NZ or Australia in about 5 years but then we will have problems the other way - DP is English. I think all families have to accept the world is a much smaller place nowadays...at least email and cheap phone calls make it much easier to keep in touch. Re visits - try and make your family see that life is too short to be mad about something like this. Yes, saying goodbye always hurts, but not taking the chance to say hello hurts more and for longer.

We have lived abroad for 4 years, my mum and ils were fine as they knew we were moving for a better life for us and they visit often, know what you mean about the long visits though, it is nice to have the house back to ourselves.

Eidsvold - my mum is visiting us in November and then going on to family in Oz and then back to us for another week before going home - she is in her seventies and is travelling by herself, I do admire her for doing this. Does your mil not have any close family or a friend that could come with her (especially for the first time) once she has done it she will find it easier the next time.