How do your families handle you living in another country?

[humpydumpy]

Just wondering how your parents handled the news you were leaving and how they are coping now?

My parents understandably were very upset and not very supportive of our decision to move to Oz. Now we have been here 10 months my mum is still very emotional and tries to make me feel guilty. This is making it very hard to speak to her on the phone as I feel I have to watch what I say incase I upset her.

Also, they were due to come and visit my inlaws this year as they live here, but now are saying they are not going to come as my dad can't handle the thought of having to say goodbye again. They are not sure when they will feel ready to visit.

I fully understand why they feel the way they do but was wondering how other families are coping.

It sounds as if my family must be unusal. My DH and I lived in the US for the first 4 yrs of marriage and decided to move back to the UK after that, and now have been here 11 yrs. Both sets of parents took it really well. Now have DD & DS and I think my parents see more of them than the ILs.

We are lucky that they come over a number of times a year, and are both in good health so have lots of fun with DC when here. They've also flown over to support me in times of need, we had a serious back op and had to learn to walk again and when I lost DS1 at 20wks.

Will have to make sure that I thank them again.

BTW we have an video camera and the DC love chatting to their grandparents, aunts & uncles on it over the internet.

Agree with inthepink's suggestion - when I was a kid my gran used to come and visit us in NZ from the UK and she used to come with one of her friends. Made the trip much easier for her, I think, and also meant she tended to go out and about with her friend which gave my mum a break now and then.

have just skimmed the thread - but have lots of the same feelings like others - I've been in the UK for 10 years - the first 5 without children . I too have the guilt about my parents not seeing my children on a regular basis, they are 'growing up not knowing us' (sic) etc etc all of that. goodbyes at the airport are awful. when we do go home it's for at least 3 weeks, usually 6 ( in the summer) and it's then 24-7 with my parents.
When we're in the UK I phone home a LOT, now on Skype so makes a difference, we email as well and have a webcam. I send a lot of pics from PC, usually once or twice a week so they can see them. They come to visit usually every 2 years, but I am home with the girls at least once a year, usually more.
It's a constant struggle though, feeling happy that my life is here but missing so v v much the rest of my family. Sometimes feel like I"m just in limbo and not really in either place.

ggirl - I too would hate to live in dif country from my children when they are grown up - i think about a lot if we ever do move to Canada and they decide when they are older to move back to UK. Want to grow old in Canada but they might then be settled in UK . I hate thinking about it

I am very lucky in that my parents are, for lack of a better term, well off and retired and in reasonable health.

My mother has an EU passport and my father an EU/EEA family permit, so they come and go out of the UK as they please and have a property here to use for visits.

My sister is a teacher whose husband came into a tidy inheritance, so, they, too, can come across on term breaks.

It's a 9-hour flight for them, which they can now do w/only one stop.

Eventually, however, I know they will sell up and buy a place in a warmer climate in France, so we can meet them there.

But Oz is a lot farther.

very apt to see this thread now. we are moving from the uk to singapore in january, for 2-3 years. i feel terribly guilty. dd is 2.4 and another baby due in march. my mum is understandably very sad at the thought of us going but trying to be so brave. i keep talking about the positive side of things - dh's career, dd's and my lifestyle, private schools and healthcare, etc. but of course she will miss dd terribly. my parents live 3 hours away now, but as mum doesnt work she comes for 7-10 days at a time so gets to spend quality time with dd. dd loves her. she is trying to be positive about the whole thing but does worry, which is what makes me feel guilty. things like 'dd is going to miss her friends, cbeebies (!), how is she going to cope when her toys are all being shipped for weeks? etc. tbh, her comments and worries are stressing me out more but i understand that she needs to ask these things in order to be reassured.

I'm at both ends of this dilemna. My oldest son lives in Los Angeles with his wife and is unlikely ever to live in the UK again. I try not to think about it long term as it makes me cry (tears welling up as I type). I hate the thought we can't just have an hour/afternoon/weekend togther and future grandchildren will only know me as some stranger who lives on the other side of the world. Although we mostly manage to see each other once a year it makes a large dent in our finances, requires a decent-sized house for us all to get together and means we can rarely take a non-"visit the family holiday". When ds1 has children it will be expensive for them to come to us and the day may come when dh are too old to travel. We have residency rights in the US but as I have three other children in the UK moving to the US isn't going to solve anything.

But I wouldn't dream of saying any of this to ds or making him feel guilty about it; he has to live his life, and causing bad feeling achieves nothing except perhaps estrangement, which is what we're trying to avoid in the first place. I know he misses us, he loves coming home and we take up where we left off each time. His wife is a sweetie and I know she feels for me, she ends up in tears before I do when it's time to say goodbye. But I can't pretend it doesn't break my heart.

At the other end of the spectrum, dh, dd2 and I are all living in Africa atm. My mum takes it quite badly, beginning conversations with 'I'm not trying to upset you but......' and then recounts her woes to me. I do understand it but what p*sses me off is that I have three siblings in the UK, none of whom have seen my mum for three or four years!! Dh and I moved away from Kent to Scotland years ago and so have spent most of our holidays going to see family rather than have proper holidays. I sometimes wonder why we bothered. Communications are mostly a one-way street, though MIL and my sis are good at keeping in touch.

Sorry this is so long, it's a raw subject for me.

inthepink - she has a step daughter who is also married to an aussie - but they are in Perth so we think she may consider flying with them to Perth adn then we can venture past the Great Dividing range and meet with her and bring her back here. Only time will tell.

suedonim - although our children have not seen grandparents/sil for over 2 years - we spend a lot of time talking about them - as much as you can to littlies and showing them pictures - so they have some photo recognition. FWIW - my mum lives 20 minutes drive away and never comes to see us - I always have to go to her.

Hello, Humpty, I have only been in nz for five months now so it is still early days. I have lived all over europe and my mum was used to not seeing me for a long periods if time, but then I met my kiwi partner and had our ds, well kids change things eh. I'd just like to share the very kind words my mum gave me when we set off for NZ, she said, when you have children you strive to give them the best life possible, when your children have children you transfer this want onto your grandchildren so go and take this wonderful opportunity to give your kids the best quality of life. By the way my mum lives in Birmingham, no offence to brummies but there is no comparison.

My parents moved to the States in 1960 and my brother and I were born there. My father's family wasn't so close but my mother w0orried about leaving her mother (her father was a drunk who left) back in Wales, though she had 3 other children who stayed local. No-one had phones where we came from then, so it must have been quite hard for my grandmother.

We moved back to wales when I was 3, then left again for South Africa when I was 10. Then when I was 16 I went to live in the States, leaving my parent and brother in Africa. Since then we've all lived on different continents- I live in France now (and sort of unable to return to UK though I'd like to) and my parents and brother live in California. My parents spend summers in UK as my mother still has a little house there, but now that I'm in France they still only get to see grandchildren on arranged holidays rather than for the odd weekend or afternoon. I'm used to being away from them, and it's they who live away from home after all, but now that I have children it's much more of an issue. DP has suggested we move to California and trying to make a decision on whether to go there or stay here is what I'm supposed to be doing right now, instead of posting on mumsnet!

Moving to California would solve some problems but my parents will eventually return to Wales, I think, and what then? (Or maybe they won't if we go to California, but DP has problems sometimes getting on with them and would he want to see them all that often if we lived there).

Also, I want to return home to Britain one day, even if I have to wait till the children are independent, but I am already worrying about living so far away from my own children when they're grown up.

And now my father thinks he has bowel cancer, and is having tests on Monday. If we decide to move to California we'd not be able to go to the States (at least DP couldn't go) until his visa is sorted, and that worries me, if my father's ill.

Beam me up Scottie.

ggirl- sorry not been back on the computer till this morning. My father traveled extensivly when he was yonger so says he dosen't want to travel now, and he pretty much thinks england is a joke politically anyway. My mother has only been out of the US/Canada the one time for our wedding. I don't know I think mostly my parents are a bit crazy, maybe a lot so, but it still hurts but i cope as best as i can. I guess thats all that we can all do. I'm just happy that i have the love and support of my husband to keep me grounded.

Hi guys thanks for all your replies. It has made me realise that you can't keep everyone happy and you just have to do what is right for you.

I have also decided that I could be making more of and effort to involve my parents in DD life. Although I talk about them to DD and show her pictures etc. my parents don't see this. So I am going to get a web cam sorted and start sending them pictures DD has made for them and send little presents from her. Hopefully little tokens like that will help them realise they are still an important part of our lives.