So, so lonely in Australia

[StarryStarStar]

I moved to Australia from the UK 3 years ago, with my partner. I was so excited for the move and in many ways it has been an amazing adventure. I have seen and experienced so many new things and met a lot of new people. It has tested our relationship to its limits but ultimately we are now stronger than ever. At first, I felt like I was having the time of my life. I made new friends and became incredibly close to one in particular. I foolishly thought that good friends could replace family when you are so far from home.

I went back for a visit at christmas and since then I have felt miserable. I have never felt so homesick or lonely in my life. It is a physical sickness. I literally don't know what to do with myself or this emptiness. To make matters worse, my closest friend began to drift away towards the end of last year, with no explanation. She met new friends and just cut me out of her life. She was new here too and it feels now like I was just an interim friend, keeping her busy until she met people more suited to her. She's a few years older than me and much more confident and sophisticated, into going out to posh restaurants and spending money on clothes etc whereas I don't earn as much and like to live a simpler life. My partner is also struggling at the moment too, and it's hard to support each other.

It's made harder still because I'm in recovery from anorexia, which I have suffered for 12 years. the Aussie mental health system has been fantastic and given me support I've never had before - I now have a brilliant counsellor but recovery is so, so hard and its made harder by the depression and loneliness I'm feeling. :(

Pathetically, I just want my mum. I'm not sure why I posted here. I guess I'd like to know if other expats relate to this feeling and know if this can pass. Has anyone else been through such a dark period? I feel like it would be foolish to return home right now, because we are eligible to apply for citizenship next year and my partner has his dream job out here, hard to say what it is without outing myself but it wouldn't be possible to get the same job in the UK.

Thanks so much for reading.

Hi starry, I understand exactly where you're coming from. Being here is like a rollercoaster and when you're lonely and down it can be extremely difficult to pull yourself out of it with such isolation.

Have a very unmumsnetty hug from me.

What does your gut tell you to do? Do you think your partner wants to go home?

Thanks for the unmumsnetty hug chaircat. It is really nice to hear from someone that understands.

My gut is very confused. I feel like I'm torn between both countries, and don't really belong in either. I feel a lot of guilt for leaving my parents, who are separated and both live alone. Whereas my partners parents encouraged us and always say how proud they are of us for making a success of the move (despite obviously missing us), my parents are just devastated I left.

My partner is on a similar page to me, which helps. He thinks being here is the best thing for us and that we just need to make new friends, ride it out and settle... but he is finding it hard at the moment too.

I think we just need to keep pushing. I never, ever anticipated how hard emigrating was going to be (and we only intended to be here 2 years anyway, so I never saw leaving as such a big deal). It doesn't help that friends at home think our lives are basically one massive holiday and have no understanding at all, very few have kept in touch other than facebook etc.

Sometimes rather than wanting to go back, I want for us to never have left in the first place. I think I am just very confused at the moment though and it's hard to make sense of my thoughts and feelings.

Where abouts in Australia are you? Just wondering if there's no Mumsnet meet ups or anything abroad? Any other Expats in your area in the same boat?

To be honest I have no advice what so ever. We are currently in the process of relocating to Adelaide from Lincolnshire in the UK due to DH's work. I am terrified of the isolation and loneliness. I don't really have any family (Mum died when I was very young, don't see my Dad often. Have very few ties to the UK) yet already I feel torn. Just scared of missing my friends and the life we have built up here. I know it will be an adventure and we are blessed but I am so unsure about it all.

Do you have any children? How do they feel about Australia vs UK? I am currently dreading having to settle DS1 (6yrs old) into a new school. Would it be worth the upheaval of coming home again?

Sorry, I seem to be rambling! Just wanted to hold your hand. The homesickness may pass again though. It sounds like it's quite a recent development. Do you think it would help if you had a few more friends out there? I am sorry you're feeling so sad. I hope you feel better and more settled soon xxx

starry just wanted to add that I feel for you and send you a big fat hug too, from the rainy UK where I currently live - I used to live in Oz, then NZ, and was terribly, terribly homesick for some of that. I really love both these countries, and would love to return, now that life has settled down and the kids are older - at the time they were both young, and my daughter was incredibly volatile and challenging back then, and we needed to come home for various reasons, mainly to do with close family and friends. I remember walking the streets of our little NZ town in tears, feeling desperately lost and alone, like I was in a terrible exile on the forgotten edge of the world.

Home we came - the right decision for us all, then.

In retrospect, however, I really wish we had toughed it out just a little longer and got residency - it would have made our planned return SO much easier now ... no point in looking back regretfully though ... but I think you are right to be thinking along the lines of keeping going for a little longer, while you see if things settle into place. Friends are THE key, aren't they - I really hope things improve on that front and that you can move on from feeling hurt and betrayed by the close friend you mention.

Hang in there you'll always be able to come home in due course if that's what you both decide! Lots of love XX

Hey starry. Just felt I might be able to help, even though I am so far away!
I am an Aussie living in the UK. 8 years now. We are both Australian and have a DD and another on the way. I completely understand your feelings and I can sympathise. We have no family here either. I had an aunt (mums sis) living here for a few years until recently and it was sooo lovely. My DD grew very close to her and it just made a world of difference having one person who really 'knows' me IYSWIM? Sometimes I really struggle not being around family, especially with a little one. We can't go back to Aus as my DH is self employed and it would be far too much upheaval to just up and leave. I try to see the positives though... We are very independent and we don't feel obligated by family commitments.
Aus is a fantastic country in so many ways but I can totally see how you might feel cut off as it's so very far...but I want to encourage you to hang in there until you get your citizenship at least. If I was back in Aus I would love to offer you my friendship as I know what it's like to feel isolated and lonely, but I'm sure someone will come along very soon and things will brighten up for you. We all have dark phases and yes... The grass seems especially greener on the other side when going through these plateaus. Sorry if I'm rambling I hope this has helped a little. Big hugs.

Thanks so much everyone for your replies, I am really quite overwhelmed at kind people taking the time to post! It has made me feel a bit better just to be heard.

Mrs2boys, i'm in Perth WA. There are meet up groups here (haven't looked into mn ones) and i've done a lot of meetup groups of various types since arriving. I think I've reached a point of exhaustion with it tbh, met so many nice people but its so hard to get beyond the meeting up as part of a group stage to the real friendship stage and I think I've lost a lot of confidence in myself. Please don't let my post put you off your move! This is a wonderful country and I know of many happy migrants. A lot of my own experience is down to my own issues, probably. I sympathise with your anxieties thuogh, I have been there.
We don't yet have children, but plan on starting a family next year. I'm 30 and we have put it off for the 3 years since the move but don't want to put it off any longer. I work with young children though, many are actually english, and they seem so resilient to upheaval! As long as your little boy is with you, he is home.
meerkate, thank you. You really summed up my feelings. Perth really feels like the edge of the world, we're so far away from other cities in Australia, even. you're right about hanging in there. We know another couple who left last year, regretted it and now can't get another visa.
Nunyabiz Thank you, family does make a lot of difference. You're right about independence. My family are quite difficult and my parents quite contoling and my partner says he has seen a massive difference in me since putting the distance between us, I'm much stronger in a lot of ways. Just don't feel it at this particular moment! :) you definitely helped so thank you.

xxx

I totally get the Christmas thing. We went back for the first time over one Christmas & the next year I was as miserable as sin. Nothing could lift me out of the pits, even though I tried as hard as I could to make the day special for us all. It still brings me to tears! (too emotional for own good)

I am only ever homesick at Christmas & starting to think that going home at that time of year, was the wrong move for me.

And the whole friend drifting away thing too. I have lost touch with a dear friend, and although I have more, I am very sad about that.

Where are you, op?

I never, ever anticipated how hard emigrating was going to be (and we only intended to be here 2 years anyway, so I never saw leaving as such a big deal).

You are me, aren't you?

I never did either, I was SO wrapped up in starting this new adventure, waiting to discover a new country & a new fmaily (dh family here) that I didn't even think AT ALL about what I was leaving behind.

Now it is all I can think about....

I've been homesick ever since I got here. I'm in my sixth year now and stuck as dh now can't get a visa into the uk.

I've got loads of friends, a great job that I love, a big house, a lovely husband but all I want to go is go to ikea with my own sister.

I just find it all so exhausting. Explaining myself all the time, talking about why I am here and how much I love it because you have to feel grateful.

I just want to be with people who know about Ant and Dec. I want to know who to phone when I smell gas. I want to go to weddings and funerals and be there for my family when they need me. And I want my children to have people in their lives that love them.

Thanks Starry . It's just so far away from UK isn't it?! I mean I know that and you obviously knew that but I am terrified of it not being this amazing adventure we are hoping for. I am trying to be positive for DH but I can't help but worry. I've always dreamed of living in Australia, in many ways it is my dream more than DH's but how I wish we'd have done it before we had the boys. I know, no point in regrets. But the confusion and sadness I feel is more or less just for our boys and in particular DS1 who is already at school, has friends and is so settled. DS2 is less of a worry as he's only 2 and very much will be at home wherever mummy and daddy are.

We turned 30 this year and decided we need to accept this amazing opportunity DH's work has on offer. Argh, it's just such an enormous thing isn't it?!

I can sympathise with the finding it hard to get past the initial stages of friendships. It's very different meeting someone in your 30s as it is to having a real history with someone and people really knowing you inside out. I am lucky in that we are fairly isolated here as it is so won't make too much difference in terms of family relationships for us.

Whatever you decide I am wishing you well and sending you lots of love x

Hi, I'm a good bit older than you (49), have never done the move thing so can't help specifically with that, but I wanted to say that IME true friends, as opposed to casual acquaintances, come from shared experiences, particularly big experiences. IME work friends rarely last when jobs change, and nor do neighbour friends when one moves. My long term friends were met at school or uni or through my children. I met women at antenatal classes and through school who have become lifelong friends, because we have that bond of shared experience to glue us together. If you feel you are ready to handle the challenge of having a baby without the support of family and with your medical history, I think you will find that, if you throw yourself into meeting other women with babies the same age, through antenatal classes etc, it will start to glue you into the community in a much more meaningful way. Otherwise, if you have a hobby or do some volunteering so that you are meeting people with a shared Interest on a regular basis, this may help. But I think children, especially little ones, really, really help you make local connections. good luck and I hope things turn out well for you.

Savoy I feel exactly the same but in reverse! Every single day I miss my family in Oz . We are intending to move, but not for some time yet, and I have no idea when were going to be able to get back to visit, which makes it harder!

I hope I'm not being presumptuous, Starry, when I say that the friend who now seems distant seems very important here. Is it worth another try at getting in touch with her? Has she made it plain that her grander circles are not for you, or are you inferring it because you feel low? have a go, suggest a low-stakes meeting: coffee, etc.

Sometimes I wonder if going home on a holiday is really such a good idea. Yes, you get to see your family and friends and it's wonderful but it's incredibly hard coming back. I find it very unsettling emotionally.

Savoy I could have written your post. The quality of life, career etc etc is so much better but there are days I just want to be wandering around the shops with my own sister in the rain.

Starry, I have found it difficult to make a lot of friends too and it has had a huge impact on my confidence. We are TTC at the moment and I really hope to meet new people through mothers groups etc

ChaircatMiaow that rings very true. I was incredibly unsettled/unhappy after our last visit, & ended up putting on 2 1/2 stone over the course of a year

I agree with echt- don't mean to be negative but I wouldn't put too much weight on cementing friendships through babies. I have found it much much more difficult than i had envisaged. I suppose it could be because I live in London and perhaps it's not as easy but has taken me 3 years to make anything that resembles a small network of friends with children (and actually my closest 'mum' friend is someone I knew through my work before we both had children).
Maybe because when people who work in London have kids, they often move back to their home towns where they are surrounded by all of their childhood/uni/family friends. London certainly is a very transient place.
Perhaps it's because I'm an interloping colonial lol
perhaps because I had DD at 25 (a normal age in most parts of Aus and other parts of the UK but considered very young in London) so I didn't really fit into the normal demographics of 35+ first time mums.

Perhaps I'm just too extroverted? It's not for lack of trying that's for sure. I don't know but it can be bloody disheartening and depressing.
That being said DD started nursery a few months ago and since all the birthday invites etc, and taking DH along to these events, I have managed to hook a few more local contacts into my repertoire
I also agree you should try again with this close friend who has drifted away... Maybe she just has something going on in her life that's making it hard for her to socialise?

Thank you so much everyone! It has given me a lot of comfort reading all of your replies. I lot of stuff has been mentioned so i'll try and answer the questions you asked me.

I think AliceInSandwichland's advice wasn't that I should have a baby in order to find friendships, just reassuring me that when I take that step friendships are likely to come out of it? I totally understand the concerns mentioned about starting a family. Me and DP have talked about it for a long time and it was my main motivation for recovering from my eating disorder, telling myself that everything I'm eating is repairing me inside and preparing me for being a mum :) I've gained 8kg in 4 months which has been extremely challenging but dealing with it better than ever before.

When I said my partner is struggling echt, it is distance from his parents really. Nothing major, just a touch of homesickness. He is close to his mum and dad, they are wonderful and its when things go wrong e.g. we had a break-in a few weeks ago, you just want family there to moan to and for someone to cook your tea and look after you.

Mrs2boys the thing I would say to you is, you have to give it a go. Especially if you have dreamed about it in the past. regretting not coming would be worse IMO if your DH has this opportunity. It was the same for us, and I never wanted DP to resent me if we didn't grab the chance for him.

a few people asked about my friend, I didn't want to go into it in more detail only because I dont fully understand it myself but I don't think there's any point in trying to reach out. you're right though, echt, she is important and I think it is the ending of this friendship that has really sent me on the downward spiral.

Basically, we were really close for 2 years, together several times a week, holidays together, DP & DH good friends too. They were our family, and we were theirs, for a while. Then they had some marital problems which I supported her with, and they seemed to come through it. After that she began pulling away and making other friends but I was ok with that, I wasn't possessive of her and understand people need lots of different sorts of company. Towards the end of last year I badly relapsed into my ED and into an anxious depression and started counselling and medication. I had been pretty good for a good few years beforehand. It was the first time I felt really bad out here. She supported me for a little while, then suddenly pulled away. Ignored calls, cancelled meetups. The only time we met in a month I asked her to go for coffee because I was depserate just to see someone and she turned up with another friend who I barely knew, so I couldn't really talk to her. She lied about being busy/ working etc -she would tell me she was out/ couldnt talk and then my DP would go over to see my DH and she would be in, not busy. I can't begin to describe the hurt I felt. I was already in such a vulnerable place, and I just absolutely hated myself, rather than feeling anger toward her. I kept trying to contact her, pathetically, several times a week even when she didn't respond. I pretty much stopped eating completely. I managed to speak to her, once and asked what was going on, but she told me she was just busy and was imagining the distance between us, that it was just the time of year with festive stuff on etc. Then I went to the UK at xmas and got well looked after and old friends there helped me feel better about myself even though I didn't tell them what was going on. When I got back to Oz I had decided I needed to let her go, so I didn't get in touch, got myself to a dietician and started getting myself back on track. I joined clubs to meet new people etc. Then I bumped into her one day and it was quite awkward and brought it all back. After I saw her, she sent me an email asking me why I was so distant with her and what she had done wrong. I thuoght I was going mad, like maybe it had all been in my head. She said she wanted us to meet for lunch and sort it all out once and for all, as she missed me. I said OK. That was 7 weeks ago. I tried to organise it a few times but she was busy then realised I was back in that place again.

MASSIVE dripfeed but didn't include it before as didn't think it was important. Looking back, maybe it is. I do think that the loneliness and homesickness are particularly acute at the moment because of other things I'm feeling.

Good grief, if anyone is still reading after that, thank you!!

Gosh Starry, I'd forget about her, she sounds like a real mememe sort of person! You poor thing.

Re. the homesickness thing - it sucks, doesn't it? I'm here (north of Sydney in semi-rural NSW) for the duration because DH is Aussie and really doesn't want to ever go back to the UK to live. I've just (literally, yesterday!) returned from our annual trip back to the UK to see family and friends and, while it was lovely, it hurts so much to come back. I take our DSs with me but DH refuses to come because he doesn't like to fly that much, and he doesn't like staying at my Dad's house (and he's no need to see my family and friends). It works ok, actually, because I can then take the boys wherever I like, without worrying about his sensibilities - the flights can be a bastard (especially this year!) but aside of that it's ok.

But still. England in spring - delightful! We were very lucky to have had really good weather (t-shirts, no less!) and it was beautiful. Back here, it's cooled right down which is lovely but makes the house so damn cold - haven't rewired the heater yet, and the coal fire is going to be fucking difficult challenging this year with an 18mo toddler!

But I do have friends here, which helps. ANd yes, I did find them all through having DS1 - he was a toddler when we moved out nearly 5y ago, and I took him to 2 separate playgroups to maximise the number of people I could meet. It worked pretty well - and some of the children DS1 met are now at school with him, so it's been fine at the school as well. I've also now joined the P&C (Aussie equivalent of PTA) and that's increased my social circle; plus talking to parents at DS1's activities.

DH was no use whatsoever on the social front - he has 2 old friends, one of whom we've seen 3x in nearly 5y, and has never visited us; and the other of whom we've seen 4x and he has visited here all of those, once with his family, but we've never been invited to his place. Hopeless!

So if it hadn't been for my efforts, I'd still probably know no one out here. Yes, they're "parent friends" but we have other stuff in common as well - I'm not friends with all the parents I've met! I suppose the one common thread among them though is that they all have some link with the UK - one is married to an Englishman out here, another is first gen Aussie with English parents/family, another emigrated out here aged 8 from England and so on.

We do have DH's mother around, which is nice for the boys - and she is helpful for babysitting and so on. She is a nice woman and we get on ok but I sometimes feel that DH is more in partnership with her than me - she's far more compliant and does whatever he asks her, whereas I am more "difficult" apparently.

In your situation, if you're both missing home/the UK so much, would it be so bad to go back? If you do have children, it doesn't make it easier - it makes it harder to realise that family are missing out on seeing them grow; and the children miss out on memories with their extended family. I know that's not exactly helpful but it is realistic. I keep my boys in touch with my Dad and sister and her DDs as much as possible using Skype etc., and they always seem to get on well whenever we go back, but it's still hard to know how much we and they miss out on. None of my family will ever be able to fly out to visit us - health/wealth issues prevent them, so it's up to me to take the boys back every year (I have to - if I missed a year and Dad died in between, I'd be so guilty as well as heartbroken).

Sorry, massive epic post but I hope there's something useful in there for you.

How rubbish for you. I've been through similar, and it really hurts.

starry we were in Perth too! OH how i miss it now - though, yes, Spring in the UK is delightful, as mentioned above but i do sometimes long to be back by the Swan river in the shade watching the dolphins leap we're trying to come back your way, or to NZ, where we also lived (loved it there too) but the jobs have just disappeared for DH. hope you are feeling a tiny bit better. and i have to say i agree that that friend of yours probably just has to be let go...sounds like an emotionally draining kind of set-up, last thing you need. lots of love XX

i don't have anything very useful to post but just wanted to say good luck. i lived in seattle in 2011 for 5 months. the longest 4 months of my life. dh had visions of relocating, i wasn't keen so we went on a short term project. we had fun, lots of holidays, spent our entire life savings! (hawaii, disneyland, oregon, vancouver, whistler for christmas etc....)
i quite liked the freedom from my extended family as they can be quite demanding/draining and skype etc meant they were in regular contact. however i just missed my life. my house, my kitchen, my things, my gym, my friends, the school run, Ocado, waitrose, m&s ! ffs i sound ridiculous now but i am being honest. it's always hard being away from home but i don't regret going and it's given us great holidays, experiences and memories.
Try and enjoy the little things, being by the sea, the beautiful WA coastline, the peacefulness. Try and build some memories, you won't be there forever, only if you choose to. Try and be kind to yourself, give yourself little challenges/build interests - whether it be making a cake, art, books, music, pottery? whatever you fancy.

Oh, starry, I can see how hurtful it's been with your "friend'. The most generous assessment, judging by her admission of missing you, is that she has problems about seeing things through/ all talk no action/chronic procrastinator. No comfort really, so you must look after yourself.

What Tess999 says look like good things.

YY to what thumbwitch said about the UK link, so many of the people we know have the UK link, though to be fair, it's coincidental rather than a requirement.:o

Book club?

Yes, echt, definitely coincidental!

Thank you Thumbwitch, there was a lot useful in there! It is always good to hear about someone else's experiences. It is possible for us to go back, of course, but would mean giving up a lot (on DP's side) because he could not get the job he has here, in the UK. We are also both thinking it would be best to get citizenship first in case we later changed our minds (have PR, but visa attached to DP's job for 2 years)

I definitely worry about raising children without grandparents around :(

Meerkate, Perth is beautiful, and I will try harder at appreciating it! When my dad came to visit us, I remember him standing outside in our front yard just after he got up one morning, looking up at the blue sky and saying 'another day in paradise!'. I realised that I had never thought of it as that myself. A book club would be lovely, I'll look into it.

Thank you myname and echt for your words of support. I know I need to let her go and stop blaming myself.

Things gone from bad to worse this week, DP had what we thought was bad infection in sinus and after being in and out of hospital twice has now been diagnosed as infected tooth root and they dont think they can save the tooth. It's a front one. It is going to cost us thousands, as we dont have a health fund. we are getting married next year, so had savings aside for that, but looks like that money will need to be spent on the surgery. You know when you get into that mindset where you feel like the universe just keeps dumping shit on you and won't let you be happy? That's where we are at the moment - I totally realise it is mainly down to sleep deprivation though and I need to get a grip!