Separated from my French husband, joint custody of kids and I want to move back to the UK.

[AnxiousinFrance]

Hi everyone, I am new to mumsnet and I am hoping to hear from anyone who can advise me, give there point of view or just symphathise with me (in a similar situation) on a very difficult decision I have been contemplating for a while. But I am scared it might not be the right one?

So here goes, I have lived in France 7 years, I am 40yrs old and have 2 children 9 and 7. I was a stay at home mum keeping myself busy with raising the children and learning the language. My husband helped create a confortable lifestyle for us working as a structural engineer and has set up his own company working from home. We were tenants and did not own our own home. Gradually with the move, raising the children and feeling increasingly isolated with the language barrier, I started to have problems with my health, sufferering from bouts of depression and anxiety etc. Which eventually took its toll on our marriage, communication became difficult and my husband could no longer cope with my unhappiness. In desparation I tried to convince him we needed counselling but after one appointment it ended in disaster.

It all came to an end Jan 2013 when I filed for divorce out of anger and hurt. I didn't want to divorce but I felt my hand was being forced, as my husband did not want to save our marriage. Its been 9 months now since we have separated legally with joint custody of our kids, but as time has passed, I have become more isolated and now suffer badly with anxiety worrying about the future. I can no longer cope with day to day life and looking after my kids. I have no friends or support here and yet I am supposed to be actively seeking work in order to maintain social security benefits etc on top of the pension alimentaire (maintenance). This is just stresses me out even more and I am locked in a viscious cycle. I feel incapable of doing anything right now and I think the best thing for me is to limp home back to my parents so I can sort out my life. But want pains me so much is how it will affect my children? I can't take them with me but I feel like I will be abandoning them. I have made my feelings clear wih my husband but he doesn't want me to go for the sake of the kids. He is a good dad and has proved he can do the parenting by himself and he is in a better position than me to care for them. I am utterly lost and so anxious I don't know what to do?! I hope this post is coherent and I look forward to any helpful replies! Thanks in ernest!

Hi Londonlady48, was that a quip at the french first lady?! That made me laugh! Thanks again for your words of encouragment, mumsnet was my first port of call really and its easier to express myself in my own language. Not so easy in French though.

I have found Mumsnet very helpful to get some perspective on my situation. All I need to do now is start putting all this advice into action! One thing at a time....I know I can't rush these things and it will take time.

Hi everyone, just an update on what has been happening. I have been to see a psychiatrist who basically gave me a telling off (for coming off anti-depressants during such a difficult time) and told me I am Bi-Polar!? I now face the scary prospect of having to take mood stabilisers! Its not the first time I have been told I am bi-polar, but after a bad reaction with medication, I suffered a severe depression and almost had to be hospitalised. Suffice to say I did not go back to this particular psychiatrist, as I felt he had seriously jeopardised my health.

Anyway, I know this is leading away from what I originally posted, but does anyone have experience with Bi-Polar and mood stabilisers? I am a bit scared to go down this root again. I don't consider myself Bi-Polar as I don't get the manic UPs which is a classic sign I thought? I just mentioned I find it very hard to control my emotions and my mood can change from one day to the next without warning. Its know wonder my husband left me really.....

OP, there's a Mental Health board where you might get more info and knowledge about the condition you mentioned.

I just read your situation and Id like to offer a voice of hope. I have live in Austria for 10 years now and am from Australia. I moved here for love, was married 6 years and have been divorced for 4. We have joint custody. The first year after my divorce I went through a lot of what you are talking about, I can really relate to where you are at. I asked my ex to let me leave and he refused. It got really messy. I can remember days when I thought I should take myself out of the equasion. I felt like my child would be better off with his father and extended family because I was such an emotional mess. I couldnt cope with the idea of leaving him and it was driving me to the edge. I seriously thought about jumping off a bridge many times. I really feel for you and where you are at.

Now it is 4 years since my divorce and many things have changed. I still feel like an outsider and a foreigner.. But my emtional state has changed drastically. I took the feeling of pain and suffering and I channeled it into motivation and determination. I developed a strong "Ill show you" attitude at first, I wanted my child to feel proud of me, I wanted to feel proud of myself and show everyone here that I could be something more than the broken ex wife. That was my first emotional step.

That anger was what helped me transform the hopelessness into purpose.

I started a new direction completely, I started to study and worked in a new field. I took each small success and wore it like a badge.
Slowly the anger and pain dissipated and I was working on my life becasue I realised I was worth it for myself and my own happiness. I was no longer doing it to prove myself to the outside or to someone else, my new dirrection became more peaceful and self satisfying..

I really want to say to you- this can transform. The place where you feel like you are now may feel like the loneliest and most desperate place there is- I feel it and I remember it. But the strength and belief that can come from getting through this and moving forward is beautiful. Time and life will always change things. There are people around you who you have not met yet who will reach out to you if you reach out to them.

If you are having really hard days emotionally it is because it is a really hard thing that you face! But it will change. If I coud go back and speak to myself 4 years ago I would say, just put one foot in front of the other. Take one day at a time and move on. Forgive yourself for what you are feeling and know you are just as able to feel love and happiness as anyone. You will move through this, not matter how hard it may feel right now, life will move on.

Good luck and if you need someone to talk to I am here.

Hi intermum, thankyou for sharing your story with me. I really identified with alot of the same feelings you went through, which I am still having to cope with even now. I haven't excepted the separation and as a consequence I have become very emotional and needy. All I think about is getting my husband back, but I know its unrealistic because I am such a mess right now. I have alot of anger and bitterness towards him. And I feel I can't cope on my own with joint custody. I don't work, so I am existing on social security and maintenance.

Its been a year since I started the divorce procedure and I have done nothing to improve my situation (Self esteem issues), if anything things 4have got worse. My bi-polar has made it very difficult to concentrate on things and follow them through. My life feels like it has no meaning anymore and yes I think my kids would be better off with their papa!

I am spending a few weeks in England with my parents for some calm and reflection. But I am dreading having to go back to my situation, when I feel so helpless right now. I hate feeling so weak, I feel I can't get myself out of this mess!

Your words are inspiring ,that there is hope. I just need to be kinder to myself (I need therapy really) and take one step at a time.

Its good to hear you found meaning in your life again. Take care.

AnxiousinFrance - please take any MH diagnosis from a French psychiatrist with a huge pinch of salt. You sound perfectly sane and have a lot of insight into your life circumstances and the reasons why they make you feel so anxious. It all sounds very legitimate to me: I am English, have lived in France for 22 years and, sadly, have seen it all before, too many times. You are not alone.

AnxiousinFrance - please take any MH diagnosis from a French psychiatrist with a huge pinch of salt. You sound perfectly sane and have a lot of insight into your life circumstances and the reasons why they make you feel so anxious. It all sounds very legitimate to me: I am English, have lived in France for 22 years and, sadly, have seen it all before, too many times. You are not alone.

Regarding the anxiety, something like Atarax can make a fantastic difference.

We've had tremendous difficulties with our dd, and sometimes they've saved my sanity. It might enable you to take advantage of the courses offered via pole emploi.