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Living overseas

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Original poster

Trapped abroad....

31 replies

CloudWallaby · 04/11/2013 01:49

I moved to DH's home country 6 months ago. He never settled in the UK (despite having a good job) and always made it clear that he wanted to go back. I agreed (before we married) and he spent a year or so trying to find a role in his DH. We have 2 DC (DS 3 and DD 8 months). In the end we moved over without him having secured a job, as he argued that it was too difficult to do so from a different country, time zone etc.
So, we moved. And he hasn't even had an interview. He's trying hard but it seems that there is nothing in his field. I am on mat leave from my role and intended for us to return to the UK if things didn't work out - but now it is clear that he will never do this, no matter how things go on the job front.
I'm basically trapped here and can only wait for things to improve. Has anyone else found themselves in this situation? Any advice would be very welcome!

OP posts:
BillyGoatintheBuff · 04/11/2013 01:52

Can you say where you are? How are you getting by financially?

Original poster
CloudWallaby · 04/11/2013 01:56

In Australia. We have some savings but are going through them just to live here!

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 04/11/2013 02:00

"I'm basically trapped here and can only wait for things to improve."
Why are you trapped? Why can you not move back to take up your job again at the end of your maternity leave?

AdoraBell · 04/11/2013 02:03

I know of women who have gone To their home country for the anual family holiday and then decided not To return abroad. May be moré difficult with a foreign DH living in his country of birth, dependíng on which country that is. Also for most of these women they already felt the marriage was irretrevable.

A lot depends on How you feel about living permanently where you are now. Is your Job there, or back in the UK. Would your marriage survive you taking the DCs back? Which country is better for the DCs? Do you have a home of your own To back To?

BillyGoatintheBuff · 04/11/2013 02:06

You certainly will get through your savings very fast. It can often be much easier to get a job when you are living locally compared to applying for jobs from the uk. Has he been pro-active about finding work? joined all the recruitment agencies? he needs to phone up after submitting cv's as this can REALLY help the process.

karmakoala · 04/11/2013 02:11

Hi, can't help on the job front unfortunately.

I just wanted to suggest that maybe contacting centrelink and seeing if you are entitled to any financial help as your H is a citizen.

Where in Aus are you?

wellieboots · 04/11/2013 02:43

Where in Aus are you OP? Depending on your visa (I'm assuming 309/100?) you should be entitled to Centrelink for family assistance at least. Look into it. And there are some Aussie based MNetters who you can chat to!

Why won't he consider moving back?

Thinking of you, life with a baby far from your family and with no secure jobs is really tough, I know!Thanks

Original poster
CloudWallaby · 04/11/2013 03:35

Thank you everyone. I'm in Melbourne, do really like the city, just far from friends/family and pretty worried about the job situation. DH won't consider moving back as he's still optimistic that things will work out - and he'd be in a similar situation in the UK (though market for his skills bigger and certainly better for my job). He just wants to live here I suppose.
I can't go back with the children without DH's permission (I don't think we're anywhere near splitting up though). Think I just have to wait for things to improve - it's just a bit tough though!
Thanks again

OP posts:
WhataSook · 04/11/2013 19:13

This really might not work but could you go back to the UK when your mat leave finishes and he could stay and try to find work? Then when/if he does you could move (back) over?

Maybe he would be in a similar situation in the UK but at least one of you would have a job? Six months is a long time to be looking for work, is he prepared to take anything for the time being?

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/11/2013 22:41

Cloud, what does your husband propose you should do when your savings run out? What happens then?

Mosman · 07/11/2013 11:31

Mine was exactly the same ... Head in the sand " I want to stay in Australia" end of conversation. I honestly don't know what to suggest but wanted you to know you're not alone I am literally up a gum tree too with ever decreasing savings and no centre link entitlement.

SavoyCabbage · 07/11/2013 11:37

This is pretty much exactly what happened to me! My dh took a job here without telling me...five years I have been here. I'm in Melbourne too.

I think it's almost harder when you are not splitting up as you can't just go home. I'm going home in three weeks. We were both going but dh can't get a visa.

AdoraBell · 07/11/2013 12:50

I'm not trying To push Anyone into splitting up, but you mentioned not being able To take DCs abroad with DH's permisión. Same here. That's why the women I knew took a holiday To visit GPs etc.

Again, I'm not trying To brake up anyone's marriage.

CrackersandCheese · 07/11/2013 12:54

We moved to Melbourne 9 months ago and I have a DS 17 months. PM me if you want to chat as I haven't built up much of a network here yet either Wink

Original poster
CloudWallaby · 08/11/2013 04:56

Thanks everyone. He's mainly focused on looking in his field though has started to look at other possibilities now. I don't blame him for not finding anything yet but I am pissed off that he won't contemplate the possibility of returning to the UK. He insists that the children are better off here (because they can do more sport blah blah blah...) though of course they won't be if we have no income!
We are ok for the time being as we're staying rent free in a house owned by ILs (not great at all but a roof over our heads)...we don't have a place back in the UK.
Sorry to hear that others are in a similar situation - it's very hard!

OP posts:
Lavenderhoney · 08/11/2013 05:17

Cloud, that sounds awful, especially going through savings. Keep back enough to fly back with the dc, even if you have to take it out and stash it somewhere. Have you been looking for any work for when your maternity ends?

Its great your pil are helping you, but is it a permanent arrangement that you have the house rent free? Don't they miss the income? And have you discussed it with them yourself, or left it up to him?

Why does he want to be there so much- no work, living off mum and dad, a wife and family to support? I would worry he has taken 6 months to even consider looking outside his field - it's not just him is it, and he can't move into his old bedroom at mum and dads with you and the dc!

Mutley77 · 08/11/2013 06:06

Am in a similar situation. Luckily my DH is more receptive to going back (although he really doesn't want to).

I really feel for you. If you were desperate I think you could get the kids out of the country with good legal advice (in the UK) as you could prove that your move was temporary given you still are on mat leave and have a job to go back to. Sounds like it is not quite that bad though.

mathanxiety · 08/11/2013 06:14

Why does he want to be there so much- no work, living off mum and dad, a wife and family to support? I would worry he has taken 6 months to even consider looking outside his field - it's not just him is it, and he can't move into his old bedroom at mum and dads with you and the dc!

Nodding at his.

There isn't much motivation for him to do anything is there? He might as well be in his old bedroom if you're all in a rental furnished by good old mum and dad.

mathanxiety · 08/11/2013 06:14

*his = this

Mosman · 08/11/2013 09:51

At least you have a house I'm throwing away $650 a week in rent. The Aussie weathers great but it's an awful place to be broke in my opinion

Mosman · 08/11/2013 09:52

And doing sport costs a bloody fortune

AdoraBell · 08/11/2013 11:38

Are sports not available in the UK now then? Genuine question.

Mosman · 08/11/2013 14:05

David Lloyd membership quoshes that argument .... The England team are about to whip the Aussies at cricket so I reckon we do ok at sport in the UK ;-)

hazchem · 09/11/2013 06:50

I returned home to Australia recently and my partner is the working one in our relationship. He still hasn't managed to find something in his field but it appears things are picking up now the dust has settled after the election and stuff.

Have you been to centerlink yet? If your OH is a Aussie he and most likely you are entitled to some payments. In fact you may even qualify for the baby bonus for last year so please call them and Family assistance on Monday if you have't already done so. If you are entitled you will be eligable for a Health Care Card. which will give reductions on bills (not much but a bit), possible transport, prescriptions and other services such as clubs do discounts too.

Did your DH agree to returning if he hadn't found work? We didn't have that agreement but I think both of us think we need to be here for at least 5 years.

Personally I think Australia is a much easier place to be when you have little money. We don't go for pub lunches anymore but there are free electric BBQs in almost every park. Until OH found work we did loads of day time activities as a family and I think the time of unemployment has actually been good for us as a family.

Also I think 6 months is a bit of a classic homesickness point. I know I had a wobble about then when we moved here. I'm not saying you don't have a right to your feelings or anything but it feels like a milestone or something.

Gripewater · 10/11/2013 04:29

God op this is me. I'm where you are in oz and have a 4mth old baby and at times feel so alone. No family or friends of my own really, certainly non with small children who can sympathise with how tiring it is.
Dh thinks all I need to do in make some friends I'll magically feel better but I'm exhausted and miserable half the time, who wants to be around that? :)

I'm in the suburbs and bored. Like others have said I can't take baby out of the country against his wishes as it's kidnap.

It's stressful. Sorry can't help anymore but wanted you to know you're not alone. PM if you wish.

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