Anyone else not living the dream ...

[hptowers]

... when they feel they should be?

I have namechanged because this is so self-indulgent and I'm quite embarrassed really.

I know I am really lucky. Live in a lovely (free) house in beautiful countryside. DH happy running his business. DCs all love their local schools and doing well there, learning the language etc. But I am miserable. I am learning to hate the countryside which is wrong. I am SO lonely. I am bored. I speak the language moderately well but it is so unfriendly and insular it is impossible to make friends or even chat to anyone. I can't work. I miss London. I miss my friends. I miss going for a coffee. Passing the time of day with people. The list could fill a page. Argh.

Not sure what I'm expecting. Maybe a like-minded miserable git soul or two to have a moan with? I can't be the only one who feels like this can I?

I think there was another thread about feeling like being a passenger on DH's adventures and I remember a friend saying that it is like being dragged along behind a speedboat trying to signal to the driver to slow down but the driver thinks you are having fun and want to go faster.

Living abroad is hard. I'm 6000 miles from my family and friends because I fell in love with an American. It was absolutely the right choice to be with him and I don't regret that for a minute. But gets old fast being the token foreigner at every event and gathering and never being with people from the same cultural background. I haven't made any real friends yet and I'm not really sure how to.

No, not living the dream. Hugely naive about SA, its bloody volatile, outrageously expensive and cant relax at home for fear of crime- all locked in doors behind fence, beams, alarm on, dog in before it gets dark. Fuck, some adventure! But now sone roots here despite it all...
Op, no idea about US but imagine nowhere lives up to rose tinted glasses of living the dream, no such thing. Grass not greener etc etc

hptowers I could have written the exact same post myself. I too should be living the dream. On paper I live in one of the top 5 countries for a great quality of life.

I too have struggled to find a way to fit in. I have stopped trying now. You can only say hi to the same people every day for so many years only to get the stone-face in return.

I have even stopped complaining about everything. Just tired of it all now.
The only consolation is we will almost definitely be returning to the UK.

Thanks for all the replies. I am glad it is not just me, IFYKWIM.

Scottswede, that is what keeps me going: that I will eventually go home and then I feel pathetic for thinking that way.

Just spent most of the last 2 weeks away travelling and it is such a tonic. I am so lucky to be able to do it which makes me feel even more like a spoilt brat! It must really hard for you Salbertina but I am pleased to hear you are putting some roots down. "Living the dream" eh? What a joke.

Thanks for the support. It means a lot in this lonely, WET place.

I have come to quite like where I am. Two things I can't get used to and never will and I can't talk about because, you know, it's their country and all.

1. No one can drive. They can't merge, don't leave junctions clear, dither, don't anticipate and drive under the speed limit, on dual carriage ways in tandem. They don't pay any attention to what is going on around them.

1. Everything here is described as 'world class' because they know it isn't. I call it the Posh Spice effect. If you have to say it, it's not true. There are world class things here - Margaret Atwood for example, but they don't get that tag because they don't need it.

God no. Can't wait to leave since the day we touched down.

Everyone here is either " oh its so fabulous and sunny, and I have a maid to look after the dc/ housework, " or like me and watching their marriage crumble whilst their dh lives it up with the expat crowd.

I want to go back for good, but dh is being very obstructive, so if I go it will be without support as from another thread I looked at today, the Country I am in has no agreement with the UK re child support. So if he likes which I hope he doesn't, he can wash his hands of us.

And I've been here a few years, and its still crap. Not saying the UK will be a paradise, but its better than here. Even if some like to think the streets are paved with gold.

Do you have a plan? Even a 3-5 year plan? And I find leaving for all holiday periods essential for something to look forward to.

hp I don't think it's about being spoiled. Just because we get to move country for work. I had worked abroad for 10 years before I met dh, then we lived abroad. Everyone I knew thought I was the luckiest girl on the planet. We even tried to get friends and family jobs as we had some connections. Everyone had an excuse not to do it, even though most of they would "Die to have your lifestyle"

Everybody has the grass might be greener thoughts but not everyone is prepared or has the means to see if it really is.

Same shit, different country basically. I used to feel bad for not being happier, even my mum would tell me how fortunate I was and I should be more grateful for what I have {whole other post on dysfunctional families thread }. Like I chose to NOT be happy

Don't feel your not appreciative for what you have. Your not spoiled, just unhappy.

I just came back from a UK visit and even though it is definitely not utopia I felt a connection there, with the people and the surroundings. A feeling I was part of something. I have never felt part of here, never will, don't want to die trying either.

We all learn very early in life that you can't fit a round peg in a square hole. I have recently re-learned that.

Food for thought.

Square peg? Think now am always one and is this because I've been overseas so much of my life or the other way round???

Was told recently i should "commit" to where i am- makes sense in theory but several barriers- no right to work and every 2 years X-rays, tons of paperwork to renew spousal visa.

Don't feel at all welcome here by the gov despite the fact dh pays considerable tax (only a small minority pay anything) , i do tons of voluntary work and we're zero drain on the country's resources as all our education/healthcare is necessarily private

I am quite happy where I am so maybe I shouldn't comment, but I think that the concept of "committing" to a place when the place hasn't and won't commit to you is pretty complicated! In any relationship you can only give, in the long term, as much as you get out of it without becoming drained and resentful.

This is the thing isn't it, so many people saying "ooh I'd love to live [insert country] you're so lucky". So why don't they then? Maybe they are the clever ones who know it's really only nice for a holiday.

Bonsoir, I like your analogy. And yes to those who asked: I have a year by year plan interspersed with 7 week escape breaks. This is what keeps me (partially) sane.

Scottswede, I just returned from a city in another country and felt such a connection to the place and people even though I don't speak the language there that I am starting to think I just don't connect here

Going from being a city dweller to living in the countryside can be challenging in your own country/ culture. Living (as opposed to taking a short escape break in gorgeous weather) in another country's countryside must be very tough indeed.

Bonsoir, you are spot on there. Sadly I cannot see us moving to a city whilst we are here. Sob.

How you can you find/identify other ex-city dwellers to make friends with? Are there any promising local towns/villages with a high second-home population with the corresponding services to meet their more sophisticated needs?

That is a very interesting point Bonsoir and one I had not thought of. Thank you! We are only 2 hours from the capital city which is hard to believe given the contrast. I will investigate.

Are there consumer lifestyle/shelter magazines that specifically cover your region? Sometimes seemingly innocuous things such as identifying restaurants or shops that serve second-home owners can start you on a path to identifying that segment of the population that has similar tastes to your own.

Thank you Bonsoir. Do they have magazines like that in France I wonder?

Yes, in France I would look at magazines like Côté Ouest, Côté Sud, Côté Est (and there are other similar ones). Basically identifying sophistication outside the metropolis!

Oh god, if you're in the French countryside, I can imagine. I live in Nantes (if you are around here PM here ) and while I love visiting the countryside I can see how it would be so hard living there full-time. I am also a city girl and I agree with Bonsoir, it sounds like it's the rural-ness that's getting to you rather than the country as a whole.

I know you don't want to out yourself but what is the impediment to moving to a bigger town?

It's not fair that everyone in the family gets to be happy but you. If moving up the road a bit will solve that problem then that seems worth considering.

Otherwise, if you're really stuck, you need to find some kind of work to do online, or some studies, anything to keep you connected to the real world. Could you go to Paris one day a week for classes?

You should not feel bad at all for not enjoying this life. If anything I'm a bit at your husband, how can he be happy when you have nothing to do and no way to make friends and enjoy yourself?

When we moved to Nantes, I told my husband we'd have to leave once I finished my studies, as there is really no work in my field here, and he agreed that was fair. Turns out there is no interesting work for him here either so we are actually moving on. And this is in a city of 300K! So don't feel bad about feeling stuck in a little village.

Also, if you can write and like to travel, remember that France is one of the biggest tourist destinations in the world, you could always self-publish some travel guides on Kindle. You won't get rich but it could be fun.

Or turn your situation to profit and self-publish a guide for trailing spouses in France, there are loads of us and it's so hard to navigate all the bureaucracy, especially if your French is dodgy.

Educated French people are always absolutely desperate for their DC to learn perfect English - one way to make friends with more sophisticated French people is to be the go-to person for everything related to learning English.

You can also give conversational English lessons via skype by advertising on Le Bon Coin -- I have some friends who do this, you don't need qualifications, and they get a really good response whenever they advertise.

Basically, you may be physically stuck in that village, but these days there's so much you can do online for work and study. It's not ideal but it's a start.

Thanks so much for the ideas and kind words! I feel positively uplifted today in spite of the gallons of water coming out of the sky!

Sadly I am about 300 kms from you dreamingbohemian but that is a nice offer.

Our house goes with the job so to speak so we are stuck here for now.

I'm actually meant to be writing a novel and have just signed up to the nanowrimo thing as I have been so uninspiried. I like the travel guide ideas. Noone really comes to this part of France. Maybe I should start seducing them into doing so!

Bonsoir I am going to look for those magazines you mention.

Oh do really look into self-publishing on Kindle. My dad does it and he does okay, although he is a journalist so has a sort of platform for promoting it, which is a big help.

People are always looking for 'undiscovered' bits of popular countries so that sounds like a good angle. You could do some food tourism stuff, there must be some things specific to your area.

Do you have a blog already? Twitter? I've found these really help for connecting with other people and sparking some new ideas.

There's a whole world of people out there interested in what you can tell them, don't let the local situation bring you down too much.

Anyone feel like a meetup in Paris? Nice lunch, bit of a chat about being English in France?