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Living overseas

Whether you're considering emigrating or an expat abroad, you'll find likeminds on this forum.

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Original poster

Anyone else not living the dream ...

43 replies

hptowers · 25/10/2013 11:42

... when they feel they should be?

I have namechanged because this is so self-indulgent and I'm quite embarrassed really.

I know I am really lucky. Live in a lovely (free) house in beautiful countryside. DH happy running his business. DCs all love their local schools and doing well there, learning the language etc. But I am miserable. I am learning to hate the countryside which is wrong. I am SO lonely. I am bored. I speak the language moderately well but it is so unfriendly and insular it is impossible to make friends or even chat to anyone. I can't work. I miss London. I miss my friends. I miss going for a coffee. Passing the time of day with people. The list could fill a page. Argh.

Not sure what I'm expecting. Maybe a like-minded miserable git soul or two to have a moan with? I can't be the only one who feels like this can I?

OP posts:

dreamingbohemian · 04/11/2013 20:42

Bonsoir, I have to admit, after seeing you on here for the last couple years it would be fab to meet you in person but am moving to Berlin in a few weeks so unfortunately won't be in Paris anytime soon.

Am quite sad to be leaving France. I think. It's possible I like the idea of France more than the reality. Would like to try living in Paris next time maybe.

OP I forgot to ask how long you've been here. IME the first year is the hardest, the second you make a few connections, and by two years you start to feel more at home. I know it must be much harder in the countryside though.

frozentree · 04/11/2013 20:59

I'm on for a Paris meetup - but it'll have to include chat about being Scottish in France

FatOwl · 05/11/2013 00:08

Also not really living the dream

We've been here 10 years, and the dds are really settled.
Someone else asked up thread about a plan - and I do- a three year plan. I am going back to the uk in three years (July 2016) which is when dd finishes a-levels, she is currently y11.

We are about to move house,(3 year lease) which I am feeling positive about, our current one has definitely been dragging me down.

I have an interview for a training course this Friday, which I'm nervous as hell about as I've not worked for ten years.

But making steps, I've told dh I'm coming back with or without him. He's now on board with me and beginning to look at the uk job market

Original poster

hptowers · 05/11/2013 09:39

Bonsoir, I'd love to do that.

dreamingbohemian, been here less than a year. I shudder at still being here after 2 years. Would very happily move to Paris tomorrow. How wonderful that you are moving to Berlin! Presume it is work related? Isn't it funny how fond we become of a place when we are leaving it ...

OP posts:

Original poster

hptowers · 05/11/2013 09:40

FatOwl, that sound's positive. I am glad you have a plan.

OP posts:

Bonsoir · 05/11/2013 21:43

Pm me and we'll set a date!

dreamingbohemian - I know what you mean about liking the idea of France but struggling with the reality. I think - after many years here - that much of modern France is a poor and shallow imitation of the real deal which only exists in small pockets that are very hard to track down, let alone penetrate. When you do find the real deal the people are fantastic but they only welcome foreigners into their midst when they are absolutely sure they can trust you. And that requires a lot of work for the foreigners. French people make incredibly loyal friends once you have got passed the barriers.

dreamingbohemian · 05/11/2013 22:13

Yes I'm really psyched about Berlin -- we've actually both wanted to move there for ages. DH is the one with the new job there but now that I've finished my studies I'll be applying as well.

The thing is, we might find living there to be less great than we hoped. The reality of daily life is always so different! We'll just have to see.

I'm not surprised it's been less than a year for you actually -- really, this is the hardest bit, I think. It will get better!

Bonsoir -- I have some lovely French friends so you are very right about that I actually think things might change a lot in the coming years, you have so many French people, especially young people, leaving France and living elsewhere. Someday they'll come back and shake things up a bit.

TheXxed · 05/11/2013 22:33

I am on a completely different wave length I spent most of last year in Zimbabwe, off to Qatar next year. Perhaps I wasn't away long enough for the rot to set in but I felt my best self when I was there. And I was there with a group of Brits so never felt particularly isolated.

I can imagine learning a new language must be a daunting task.

dreamingbohemian · 06/11/2013 09:06

The language can be a big barrier. I settled into the UK very quickly, with France it was a bit more of a transition. Very few people where I live speak English and they are not shy about correcting your French (even complete strangers!) so you kind of feel stupid all the time (rather than just foreign).

BeetleBeetle · 06/11/2013 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madchocolatemum48 · 06/11/2013 10:27

The language barrier is a huge obstacle. I don't particularly like the language and I don't like the dialect of the area we live in.
I have learned enough to have conversations, but sense of humor does not translate well ( maybe it's just my sense of humor )
There are no other Brits around me either, watch a lot of British comedies to compensate.

NomDeClavier · 06/11/2013 12:35

hp are you in Normandy? If so I'll meet up! I hated where we wre before, I'm better now we're in a town and can get places relatively easily (even if Paris is still a slog because the train is slooooooow for the first hour and a half).

It's taken me probably 6 years to feel relatively comfortable and I still struggle to make new friends in France. In the UK I'd just invite them for coffee or something but I can't seem to work the conversation round to it with French people. It's like I've had some kind of personality transplant...

slickrick · 06/11/2013 15:00

This was me a couple of years ago. I have since moved home, I am soooo happy I love,love,love it here, worts and all.

I would suggest you try to enjoy where you are as much as possible..........it wont be forever x

bebespain · 06/11/2013 15:25

Can I join...?

I´m not in France but in Spain and despite having been here for 7 years I feel far from integrated and I am most certainly NOT living the dream. I live just outside Madrid in a drab commuter town and have found it very, very hard to break in. Even though I have two children at school now and know a couple of Mums, it is only on a very superficial level.

I agree with madchocolatemum48, sense of humour does not translate well and I miss having a proper laugh so, so much.

In my case speaking the language very well hasn´t helped me much on that front. Well of course it would be harder if I didn´t but it hasn´t helped me integrate. I had an Aussie friend here a few years back and although her level of Spanish was patchy to say the least she had many more Spanish friends than me. I think it was down to her being very confident and having a very thick skin...either that or I´m just an oddball Seriously, she didn´t get hung on on being "the foreigner" which is something I admit I do a lot.

Joking aside I feel like I´ve had a personality transplant too NonDeClavier, it´s just not the same

Original poster

hptowers · 07/11/2013 09:02

There are a few of us aren't there? And many sympathetic listeners (or readers). Hello everyone!

NomdeClavier, no not Normandy sadly.

This is the thing isn't it: however well you speak the language it's the sense of humour, little nuances, shared history and like BeetleBeetle says the friendships you have spent years nurturing. Find yourself in the French countryside and these things are magnified 10 times! At my time of life I just don't know if I can be arsed to start all over again especially with a bunch of miserable country bumpkins. Taking the DCs to school today and as I was dropping off the 2 youngest, DS remarked that he thought he'd seen someone smile

OP posts:

Salbertina · 08/11/2013 13:33

So true about nuances/humour, i still make social faux pas as communicating in my mother tongue but NOT in my culture and the irony is met with a cold smile/offence. Whoops did again this morning with a school dad, i was joking!!!!

bebespain · 08/11/2013 23:30

hptowers I know just what you mean about not really feeling arsed to start all over again...it´s such hard work as I approach the grand age of 40 with 3 children in tow, I just don´t have the energy or enthusiasm any more...I have just had some English friends over and it was absolute bliss, I feel extra lonely now that they have gone back

DizzySometimes · 10/11/2013 00:49

I’m with Terra. I moved to the US too as my husband is American. Adore him, but really not too fond of his country, unfortunately. I get the comments about the accent very frequently, and it does get old pretty quickly. Tried to get out and about and meet people but, after two years, I still feel as foreign as I did when I first came here.

So, I’m not living the dream, but I have a lovely husband and wonderful family and friends, even though they are so far away. I have to remind myself that things could be a heck of a lot worse!

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