trailing spouses: were you totally 100% up for moving abroad?

[bamboobutton]

Dh has the chance to move to the US with his job. I'm 60/40 in favour of going at the moment and am coming round to the idea more every day.
Dh, on the other hand, is worried that it might not work out as i am not 100% champing at the bit to go and it will ruin his career if we decide to move home and his company has spent a fortune on the relocation package.

So, were you unsure about going and it all turned out fine?

Yes but 3 moves and 7 years down the line, here's my 2pence

• nothing is ever final. You might thinks that's it for a good few year and make all sorts of plans and it does not pan out that way

• first move was fab (opportunity to stop working and have a baby & help), 2nd less so as after 3 years, had had another babe, back on the career track, all settled, only to move on to a dead end in terms of personal and professional development for myself.

• In the end, if you are happy to embrace the change, it will work out in the end. My motto is "you are never strong enough until there is no choice left" (that's actually Bob Marley, not me )?in other words, when the shit hits the fan, don't blame it on him. Its a common decision, embrace it or sink.

Sorry am in the mood for raw talking today.
Don't get me wrong, its been a generally very comfortable experience as a trailing spouse and still is. Depends what your own aspirations are in the long run.
In the US for sure you will be limited as you can't do much as a dependent. Just make sure you are confident enough that you won't hold that against him.
x

In answer to your question, yes I was totally 100% up for it. However, Master has raised some good points.

Losing independence has been one of the hardest lessons for me. But I made the choice to 'trail' and I wasn't forced into it, so on no account would I ever blame DH. I just make the best of my life that I can.

What are your concerns? Perhaps we can help. I'm too am on my 3rd country in 7 years (just arrived somewhere new!).

Your DH sounds like a good man as he is worried about how you are feeling. It also sounds like you have a good, communicating relationship, so I'm sure it will work out OK.

I was ready for an adventure and was keen to go. I ended up getting a job in the new country so have been busy too. It has worked well.

I'm not too concerned about losing independence, I'm a sahm at the moment so have no career to give up.

My concerns are being away from family, that's it really.

Dh is concerned because i was miserable when we lived 200 miles from family, but at that time we had a newborn, i was ill and had pnd and dh was being an utter lazy arse and leaving me to deal with the baby almost single handed, it's no wonder i was desperate to go home.
That was 5yrs ago so kids are older and dh is not a lazy arse any more.

Ok. The family thing I understand although i don't have that problem myself.

The world is a lot smaller these days with the Internet, Skype etc. So you will be able to keep in touch easily. Visits from family to your new home to look forward to. Travels to places you could only dream about.

Are you still 200 miles away from them? I actually see my mum more now I live across the world than when I lived in the UK. When I was there we used to see each other for a day here and there, but now she visits for 3 weeks at Christmas and we stay with her for weeks in the summer holidays.

Relationships change and grow.

As you're a SAHM now your daily life will remain similar, but have you thought about how you'll cope when the kids are at school and your DH is working much longer hours in his new job? Just throwing that into the mix as its definitely something that affects many trailing spouses.

We're about 10 minutes away from my family now, I've said all this stuff about skype etc but dh is convinced i will be wanting to go home as soon as we land.

Dh is worried it will be setting our lives back even further if we end up coming home, we don't own a home here and dh is worried about getting old,mortgages, still not being settled.

We seem to be at some sort of weird stalemate, we both want to go but dh seems to finding excuses not to go by saying it's because of me, but i have said i want to go

I am a SAHM who moved with dh to his home country. He travels for work so I am on my own with the kids a lot. In the UK it was never an issue, but when we moved I felt very isolated, new language, no friends etc. I have lived in the states, albeit without children, but the Americans are a friendly bunch and you speak the same language. It is a huge decision though and both of you need to be committed. We did the same thing in deciding whether to move back to the UK. Passing the buck on who was more willing to return. We are both in complete agreement about moving back now. Maybe you need a contingency plan for a specific amount of time if things don't go to plan. We have the same concerns about getting older, mortgages etc.
They say you only regret the things you didn't do rather than the things you did.
Even though we are moving back I don't regret the time here. I know we would have regretted not giving it a go in years to come though....

It's tricky...we've done it twice. The first time I burst in to tears when he came home with 'that look' and told me he'd been asked to do an international assignment.
Second time, I was ready for a change...plus since the credit crunch I was really aware that people were losing their jobs, so I didn't want to put him in a tricky situation. I felt like it was a prudent decision for our family.

It is a gamble, and I do know of people who have had to leave an assignment early due to spouse being unhappy, and it can well mean a career set back if that is the case, and who knows how that impacts the marriage as both parties deal with anger/resentment etc etc.

I would do it a third time, but there are plenty of locations I would say no to. Luckily, DH feels the same way in terms of safety/recreational options.

FWIW, the majority of the US would be a yes for me.

I don't think you have to be 100% up for it- in fact often I think it helps to have a few reservations and be realistic about life overseas ( i.e. it's not a holiday- a lot of it is 'same shit, different grid reference). I do think you have to agree that it is a logical step in achieving shared goals, be they financial, life style, experiential etc. most couples who run into issues seem to do so because they're chasing one partner's dream at the expense of the other's. Also, be prepared for getting something different to what you signed up for because things can change. I left the uk in 2008 intending to spend 3 yrs in Dubai, then come back and start a family. In the end we were only in Dubai 10 months and have now been in Asia for 4 yrs and both my children were born here and will probably become PRs in a few years. It's all good but not what I signed up for.

I don't think you have to be 100% up for it- in fact often I think it helps to have a few reservations and be realistic about life overseas ( i.e. it's not a holiday- a lot of it is 'same shit, different grid reference). I do think you have to agree that it is a logical step in achieving shared goals, be they financial, life style, experiential etc. most couples who run into issues seem to do so because they're chasing one partner's dream at the expense of the other's. Also, be prepared for getting something different to what you signed up for because things can change. I left the uk in 2008 intending to spend 3 yrs in Dubai, then come back and start a family. In the end we were only in Dubai 10 months and have now been in Asia for 4 yrs and both my children were born here and will probably become PRs in a few years. It's all good but not what I signed up for.

No I wasn't but 11 years later we are still abroad. Still miss family and old friends that actually gets harder not easier. Always said I would never know if I didn't give it a go and didn't want to wake up one day and wonder 'what if'. It was the right decision for our family but it's hard work and not for everybody.

We went to the USA in 2003 when the children were tiny. DH was 110 % committed. I was Uncertain but up for an adventure. The first couple of years were quite hard and I really missed home and family. But we made lots of new friends and overall had a fantastic time. Fantastic experience.
We came back to the UK after 7 years and I have regretted it since. Lots more opportunity in the USA, and Britain had changed a lot during that time. I feel I came back a very different person and suspect if I had been younger when we first moved there we would have stayed.

You should go if you have the opportunity, but keep your options open for returning.... Also be aware it will test your relationship.....you will need to rely on each other more in those early years and if you marriage is not strong you will feel very lonely.

Bamboo, I think your assessment of your DH is valid. It sounds a little like he's looking for excuses but wanting YOU to make the decision for him.

Alternatively, he may simply be voicing what he thinks all your worries are so you can reassure him that they are unfounded or solvable.

I hope it's the latter. You need to thrash it all out with him as soon as possible.

Good luck! It's a wonderful opportunity and I hope it works out for you.

It took me a while to be 100% happy, but yes. I always wanted to travel with young children so it was sort of in my "plan" although I had assumed that it would never happen.

The move is imminent, so am aware I may have mixed emotions once over there, but certainly the first year of wondering whether we were going to go or not (it's been 18 months now) was hellish and a complete rollercoaster. I was an emotional wreck. We split up for about 12 hours, and it was awful. I don't even know how or why or how we got back together any more, only that neither of us wanted to split up in the first place. Since early this year I have been 100% certain I want to go.

It really is make or break - it will push you to the limit. DP swung from - well, I don't think I'll want to come back so... I'm not coming back, it's up to you if you want to move back after a few years, to being totally committed to going where I want to go if I'm unhappy in the country we move to. We might be at a different stage of our relationship though, because DS is mine from a previous relationship, and we only got engaged about 6 months ago too.

I expect your DP is feeling nervous and sort of externalising his nerves by placing it on you, it's a weird thing, hard to work out what you feel yourself, totally bizarre. We have pushed things back a few times and that would be my advice - delay as much as you can to give you time to really digest the idea.

Call his bluff. Tell him fine with you if you don't go and he'll probably be back to persuading you it's good for you to go! Sounds like he's worried you'll change your mind once you're there and that will impact on his career and ability to support the family.

I've been a serial expat for 16 years. First move my DH moved countries for me, next move was because we both were offered jobs in another country at same time and last move was his job. Each one has worked out well for us and made us appreciate the UK more, I love going home to visit family and friends but quality of life, depending on where you end up can be higher elsewhere so you can hopefully have best of both worlds.

Are you reasonably outgoing? If you're comfortable making new friends, a stint overseas can be fantastic. Most people I know have made expat life work for them positively.

Be prepared to commit for at least 2 years before making any decisions about whether to stay or leave. 2 years will go by faster than you think and it usually takes that long to really find your feet and work out how comfortable you are somewhere.

Travlledtheworld is right, it can be tough on a relationship and will be lonely for you to begin with. He'll make friends through work, you'll have to work at making friends which might feel a little unnatural to begin with. But in my experience some of the best friends I've made have been my expat friends. I'm still close to the first friends I made 16 years ago even though we haven't lived in the same country now for 12 years and are 12 hour flights apart.

As your children get older and start school, it will be easier to make friends through school etc.

I'm biased, I'd say give it a bash but it does need to be a mutual decision, recognising that it will be tough at times. Both of you might have doubts at different times about whether you're doing the right thing but you have to support each other and not put either one under pressure to make the decision and carry the can if it doesn't work out.

No. I'm suffering now as a result.

We've been here for nearly two years, and I still hate it. I resent my h now, and am having lots of problems in our marriage. I really want to go back to the Uk. It didn't help that we moved over to Oz when dd2 was 3mo, and dd1 was 2, so had no support off anyone. The stress was awful, and h was a shit to me. We had a really good support network in the Uk, and went to zero. I also gave my job up, of 15 years for this move. And really regret it every day, as loved my job.

Luckily, we're not pr, and on business visas. I would like to go back in October/ November. But, he wants to come back too, I really don't care if he doesn't come back with us, as the break would be nice.

I was in favour of moving to the US but realistic about difficult the initial bit would be and I was right. The first six months were hard - settling in takes longer than you think it might, but now, nearly 9 months on things are a lot better and I am glad we moved.

As someone said up thread, it really does make a big difference on where in the US you are moving to. CA is wonderful. We are in DC and we love it. Other parts are not that great.

I dont think it matters that you are not 100% champing at the bit because frankly as a trailing spouse you will be slightly isolated and lonely initially. What does matter is that you are committed to it for a period of time and stick it out together.

Your DH is right in that there are loads of practical considerations to work out but I think now a days, the danger of not having an international CV is far greater.

Hi, in answer to your question, yes, I was behind the move (well, 99%!).

We moved to the US when DD was 9 months old and I was still on maternity leave. I'm currently on a career break from my old UK job and have the option to go back within the next three years.

Good things:

• I was able to stay at home with DD. DH earns more here than in London, so being a SAHM became a reality. We both agreed this was what we wanted.

• The climate is so much better here. We all spend so much more time outside, even just in the garden. Local parks and facilities, including pools, are excellent and generally free to residents. DD and I will be spending most summer afternoons at the pool across the road from the house we rented.

• The role is excellent for DH is terms of career progression and should lead to other excellent opportunities. These will benefit us as a family.

• We have kept our old flat in London and rented it out. Whilst we are not making a profit, we have kept a base in the UK, mortgage history etc.

• We have made some great friends here, from a wide variety of backgrounds.

Bad things:

• I don't agree with a lot of US politics, at all. I find Guantanamo abhorrent, the gun laws ridiculous and I have never lived in a more racist, sexist country (bar China). It takes some getting used to as you can't complain really as you 'chose' to move here.

• I am a dependent on DH's work visa (H1B). You need to check the kind of visa you'd be on if you came here. I cannot work here, full stop. If your DH gets an L visa, an intra company transfer, you'd be able to get a permit to work. Whilst I was keen to be a full time mum a year ago, right now not having the option to get a job drives me crazy at times.

• Linked to the above, not having the right to work means no social security number, no credit for anything (eg a mobile contract), no rights to anything much at all. It is extremely frustrating to go from being a person in your own right with a career, an excellent credit score, a property in London etc, to being refused a Gap card as you're a none-entity.

• Americans work long hours! DH is pretty much always on call. My Swiss friend says his job (and her DH's) would be three people's roles in Switzerland!

• American mums tend to go back to work and have a very short maternity leave period, if at all. I nearly cried the first time I took DD to story time at the local library as I was the only mum. Everyone else was a nanny. Consequently, my friends tend to be other expats in a similar position to me. I have some American mum friends, who have been extremely generous and welcoming, but they're in the minority when it comes to my friendship group. A lot my friends are either other ex-Londoners or German/Swiss/French.

• Health insurance. I will NEVER get my head around the corruption that exists here in terms of health care provision. The biggest US businesses are the HCPs. My healthcare (and DD's) is dependent on DH being employed, and his employer can choose to change insurance company schemes at any point. Consequently, we'd need to change paediatrician for DD, dentist etc. It's pretty scary when you've been used to the NHS and then the option to top up with Bupa or whoever in the UK. My friend has just had to change OB and hospital at 36 weeks' pregnant as her husband's job changed - can you imagine?!

• Linked to the above, the American way seems to be (IME) that it's your own fault if you're ill or too poor to afford medical care. We are in a major city and homelessness is rife (much more so than the UK).

• The expat community - great in some ways, but people are always moving on. It's hard when DD asks for her little friends and a couple have since moved away.

So - it's been a mixed bag. Culturally, it would have been easier to go to somewhere else in Europe rather than to move to the US, despite the language. We expected it to be easier than it was because of the prevalence of English but systems are so different (tax/buying a car/medical care etc) that it's been a hugely frustrating learning curve. After just over a year, we are all (finally) happy and settled and strangely, after my last trip 'home', I was glad to be back! We're planning on being here for another couple of years at least, so we'll see...

Good luck!

No and it shows with how much I am on here dammit!

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Culture_shock

I am a late adjuster

US - there won't be a language problem and the culture may not be so different but systems will be, as wibblypig says above, excellent post btw (Wibbly pig: I am in Europe and health insurance aside I am often flailing)

It comes down to how independent/tough/self-sufficient you are and how gregarious- will you be an expat or an immigrant? i.e will you still seek out other Brits and British Things or will you integrate? if you were going to Mexico I could use a favourite line are you a mexican or a mexican't?

Like wibblypig I have kept hold of my house and am renting it out (at a loss but I still retain a foothold if and when I get to come home).

Pros: climate, away from family, new language and culture
Cons: all of the above

I miss the rain, support from some family/friends, crave certain foods and hate being treated differently as soon as I open my mouth with my crap accent. I do like changing people's perceptions though!

Good Luck with the move. Put a shout out for mumsnetters in your area?

BeyonceCastle - I love your name!

Yes, I just used to read MN occasionally too, now I seem to post rather a lot...

middleage - great advice. I was also told by a Canadian friend now living in the UK not to blame anything that goes wrong on the new country. So... true! Bad things can happen anywhere, they're not necessarily the fault of your new country though (even if it feels like it sometimes!).