trailing spouses: were you totally 100% up for moving abroad?

[bamboobutton]

Dh has the chance to move to the US with his job. I'm 60/40 in favour of going at the moment and am coming round to the idea more every day.
Dh, on the other hand, is worried that it might not work out as i am not 100% champing at the bit to go and it will ruin his career if we decide to move home and his company has spent a fortune on the relocation package.

So, were you unsure about going and it all turned out fine?

Americans seem to be great church goers, so if you do that it could be a good way to meet people.

How long are you going for? Probably better to have a fixed idea with the option of leaving after that time or not if you want to stay. DH might not want to commit but leaving it open ended so that you feel 'boohoo I am here forever' when you are feeling lonely makes it seem worse.
Is there a big expat community where you are going? That might make it easier to meet other mums.
DH will not be around due to work hours ime, though might be at weekends depending on job. So you are on your own with DCs if they are pre school. Perhaps look into babysitters or nannies (perhaps through DH work colleagues) as soon as you arrive so that you will be able to get out on your own eg hairdresser and don't feel trapped at home.
Thing is if being willing to travel is part of DH's work requirement might there be another move after this one?
You could start discussing dates with family for their visits, what is the best time of year, how long can they come for? Then you will have something to look forward to once you are settled.

we would be moving to the Seattle area, I think I would like a smallish town rather than suburban sprawl, somewhere like Snohomish. I doubt there would be another move as he works for Microsoft which is pretty much all redmond based.

we would give it 2-5years to see if we like it and if we do it would then mean buying a house and staying for the foreseeable.

im not too bothered about making friends, im quite introverted and like my own company, I would miss my family though.

dh is over in Seattle now and is now saying he's not sure he wants to move after all!

With a big company like Microsoft there must be an international mix of employees, can you make contact with others who have moved there for advice?

Does he have a particular reason why he doesn't want to so much now?

I think he is just tired and homesick tbh. I know by the time he is home in a week's time he will be raving about how fab the US is and how shit the UK is.

He has spoken to work collegues who have moved and 95% love it out there, i think only 1 person has moved back because his wife didn't like it.

With the news of house prices expected to rise over the next few years the idea of a 6 bed, 100000000 bathroom house in eleventy billion acres for the same price as a 4 bed detached here is starting to appeal.

Hmm, sounds like he's wavering. You need to both be on the same page before you commit to anything permanent.

Also, don't be fooled by the massive house and garden myth. Yes, in some areas this is possible and I don't know the area you'd be moving to. However, we pay huge rent for a 3 bed, central DC row house - akin to what we'd pay in London. I really don't want to rain on your parade and this time next year you could be living the life of Riley in a house that's like a palace. But - I've seen so many expats come to the US and expect to live the media's American Dream and the reality is really nothing like that.

Have you checked your visa status, tax situation, worked out costings etc if you were to move? Have you factored in private education? Here, I don't know anyone who sends their children to the local public schools as they're so dire (armed security guards on the gates of the one at the end of my street, and this is considered a safe part of the city). Again, could be different where you're looking to move to but my take on it is that housing costs more in the UK and relatively good schools are free, so to speak. Here, housing is cheaper if you buy (and great long term mortgages, eg 30yrs fixed at 3.5%) but where you save, you'll make up for paying $20,000-$30,000/year per child in school fees.

Well, what hours do these colleagues work? How many days leave do they get? Do these colleagues have families? Would the company pay for you to visit? Will you be able to work? How do you spend your time in the UK? TV is different, radio is different, distances are bigger, you drive everywhere so don't bump into people at the local shop for example. Do you have a sport or hobby where you might meet people?
Schools good/bad?

You seem to be trying to make a decision with not enough information. Chatting to others already there would be a help.

it may seem that we are moving on little information and that would be because I haven't actually said what we've been researching, have I? im not going to spend hours of my time writing out every bit of research or anecdotes from expats we have spoken to.

also im not being fooled by the giant house myth, we can afford to buy quite a big house over there, if we decided to stay, as we have done research on deposits, mortgages, houses etc. $600000 will buy quite a bit in the areas around seattle.

I find these last couple of posts quite patronising, we are not empty headed fools who leap in with both feet without looking.

Well, you can hear any amount of anecdotes or info but when it is just you on your own all day without your usual props in life it can be hard.

I have lived in 3 different states but not Seattle so can't really advise.

Bamboobutton - you came here and asked for advice. Numerous people have taken the time to provide you with details of their experiences - good and bad. If you're feeling patronised, it's because your request and subsequent responses gave the impression that you didn't have a clue what you were coming to.

Good for you if you're able to buy a house here if you decide to stay. Let's hope your visa conditions (which you don't appear to have researched) allow that. Do you know anyone who's bought without a green card? And then lost their job?! Generally you've two weeks to leave the country, house and all...

I'm actually quite annoyed that I've spent so much time detailing my experiences above - this isn't AIBU and your latest response comes across as rude. What a shame you've just alienated a number of people who could have provided you with lots more help and advice over the coming months...

We bought without a green card - we're on a pretty crap visa, afaik, they won't even give me a social security number and a job is out of the question - and we would still be allowed to stay for six months if DH loses his job. Not sure where the 2-weeks-to-leave comes from? What visa is that? Probably not one they give to someone from the UK?

Seattle's very nice, very green, very rainy outside of summertime. Housing there slightly more expensive than many places, but cheaper than DC by quite a lot, I think. What I would suggest is that it's tough to get a mortgage in the US without credit there. Worth making sure you have at least 20% deposit, and some lenders will ask even more before even considering you.

Sorry, just noticed you'd think about buying after being there for a while - should give you time to hopefully build some credit. We felt we had to buy right away as the rental market where we moved to was ridiculously expensive compared to house prices.

I would also like to second what Wibblypig mentioned in her long post earlier about health insurance, in particular re prenatal care. I read a frightening article recently about the cost of being pregnant in the US, and while it varies from state to state, you may find yourself thousands of dollars out of pocket for the most basic prenatal care. Obviously I have no idea if you are thinking about having more dc, but it's worth being aware of, as having more children is something a lot of trailing spouses end up doing! Out of sheer boredom? Who knows...

I have used both UK and Canadian healthcare systems and I find the US healthcare stuff incredibly complicated. DH and I have been here a year and we still don't really understand if we can just rock up at any A&E, or if it has to be one of "ours".

Nando - good point about even qualifying for credit initially. Also, we've found that some places won't offer credit, eg a car loan, for longer than your visa term.

In our case, the two weeks is linked to DH's work visa (we are British), and his contract includes a clause that his employer would pay for flights etc within that period! Obviously, we could still then re enter as tourists, but it's not such a secure option... I know a couple who really got stung with something similar (though arguably, they should have done more fact finding).

I guess all this highlights just how much research you need to do before making that final decision. And, there are often ways round things if you get the right lawyer...

Bamboo, I wouldn't use any of this as a reason not to go. I'd just be aware of it so it doesn't blindside you if it happens. A company like Microsoft is very unlikely going to pay all that money to move you across the world and then toss you aside after a year. If you do something like this with an open mind and a sense of adventure - and, I think, accept that it's going to be just you and the DCs most of the time, as your DH finds his feet in his new role - then you will get the most out of it. Plan lots of little trips and such. The Oregon coast is absolutely stunning for a road trip.

Oh, Wibblypig has reminded me again - here's a piece of practical advice I wish I'd been given before we went. Make sure your passports (yours AND DH's) are new or close to it before you get the visa! My passport had only a year remaining on it when the visa was issued. So, the visa was only issued until the date the passport expired. Which has a knock-on effect, as Wibbly mentioned, because so many things you apply for will only be granted for the length of the visa: driver's licence, credit, etc. AND, as your visa will be dependent on your spouse's visa, he needs to have a new passport too. You won't be granted a visa for any longer than his is for.

If I had known this, I wouldn't have had to get a DL last fall, renew it this October, and then renew it AGAIN this coming January.