Feel disengaged from where we live

[Salbertina]

Not fresh off the plane, not homesick, been good while here. Feel am treading water till we return and can't be bothered to engage/ do stuff. Am aware a waste of opportunities.

Have had depression on and off for a long while and am seeing a therapist already but rather stuck. Feel much of my feeling is from my isolated, trailing spouse lifestyle. Miss work, miss proper friends, miss enjoying my kids more from feeling chores are more shared. Miss feeling safe. Again, NOT in homesick way, but in a "I've had enough way".

Just to add, i have been v involved- in school, sports, charity work and made lots of "instant" friends. Various family issues made me retreat, that combined with my increasing loss of confidence from not working have made me feel the problem is ME, if that makes sense and feel friendships have ebbed away. Feel rather bitter about it all, trying not to. Am aware the expat life inc friendships is rather shallow. Dh is happy - in his work- but has no friends at all here, no other interests/ life (which I find dull!) and is unbothered.

How old are your children?

Salbertina, are you still in JHB?

We lived in CT for a year. It is one of the most beautiful city I have lived in but something was off.... didnt feel right... now we are back at times i beat myself for not trying harder... the amazing weather, house and i was working part-time with my own hours. We even talked v seriously about going back. But staying put for the moment as we are happy here.

Think the ladies are right in getting involved in things or even in something that you like.

Aah! Keep trying to reply and not posting!!!

sA getting worse ', think you made right call. Fab for hols, no peace of mind to live here. Want my life back!

Hi Salbertina - I chatted with you on another thread last week. Also a trailing spouse, but in the US.

Just wanted to say that I have very similar feelings. We are on our first trip to the UK in a year currently and I really don't want to get back on the 'plane next week. DH and I have spoken about moving back but in reality, visas/finances etc mean this would be difficult in the short term. He likes his job but the hours are crazy and he's constantly in demand. This impacts me as I'm a SAHM (can't work on our visa) and so I'm generally with awake DD 13 hours a day and some days he doesn't see her.

I totally get the treading water comment - it's fine, doable, but you can't be bothered any more. Nothing's permanent, so what's the point?! I wonder about your depression. There've been times this last year when I've wondered if I'm depressed, but I think much of this has been to do with feeling isolated, alone, dependent and not like my old self. Needless to say, the last three weeks back home, I've been back to my old self and like another person in many ways.

I don't know what the answer is but just wanted to say that you're not alone. Would your DH move back?

Hi Wibbly, yes i remember sorry to hear you're finding the US hard. Trips back are bittersweet, aren't they? Mine always been jampacked with experiences to savour. Yet here i can hardly stagger out the door,

Dh will go back, just not yet. How about yours?

Hi there! DH would go back but I'd feel like I'd let the side down somewhat. Don't know why really, as life's too short to live somewhere and be unhappy. Our situation is a bit different right now as I am PG with DC2 and I guess I feel trapped knowing that this trip back to the UK will be the last for a while as soon I'll be too far on to fly. Need to make a decision quickly if we're going to up sticks...

The stupid thing is, I don't have a bad life! I'm lucky in that I don't have to work and we live in a (relatively) nice area. I've made a number of friends, am always meeting new people as they invariably come and go and DD is happy - though as a toddler, doesn't really know where we are. Obviously, all this makes me feel even worse about changing the status quo. I know I hate the dependency element much more than I thought I would - my visa is dependent on DH's, which is dependent on his job, health insurance is linked with his job, I can't get more than a basic bank account in my own name - having owned a property in London, various cars, had a decent career beforehand etc, it's sort of like a fall from grace. Or being a student again, I can't decide!

One thing I've really struggled with is baby groups, Sure Start equivalents etc. There is so little compared with where we were in London. Add to this the fab new centre that opened just down the road from our old house (rented out) 3 months ago and I just long for the ease and simplicity of home. I'm sick of hiking across the city to find a decent baby music class - sounds petty put like that but there always seemed to be so much to do in my local neighbourhood back home and despite a pretty much encyclopaedic knowledge of baby/toddler activities where we are, I still struggle to find things for us to do. Days feel long and I didn't think I'd be wishing them away in my mid 30s!

I felt like this in Madrid....just felt so restless the entire time. I wanted a house which I could decorate more than once, wanted to feel as though it was worth making friends...I was so unmotivated. I didn't really fit in with the classic expat mould...I'm just a well off hippy really, unbothered about status etc, buy my clothes in h&m cos I don't really care. Felt so lonely.

Then we came back....so overjoyed, no more expat bullshit nonsense...

Now we're off again, and I need to examine myself and ask is what I want?

Sal, I imagine living in SA could be emotionally v draining....how long have you been there?

Ruby- absolutely re "worth making friends" and getting tired off rental living..Guess SA is quite emotionally draining at tines, but at others makes one feel so alive! Spain is an odd one, too imho, quite an insular society.
Are you going back there again?

Spain is very insular...we eschewed the idea of living in expat land because we wanted to fit in. That was our first mistake. Growing up, I lived in Europe and USA thanks to my fathers job so was sure I wouldn't "need" other Brits, but truth is, if you're a sahm then it's quite a lonely existence if your neighbours are totally unfriendly and there's no framework in Spain for mother and toddler etc....you don't even get health visitors.

We are probably going back there again....but we're playing the long game career wise. We know it will lead to better things and are solving the issues we had before...but there's o e thing we can't solve..,the climate. Tis horrible in summer.

Why are you in SA? Aren't SAs v open and friendly?

I can imagine, it's v extended family orientated, isn't it?

Yes, people here are open & friendly, which is lovely. But v segregated still and feel not fully embraced for usual expat reasons- not a stayer, not a local - so why would they bother to invest in me? A little cliquey, not too bad. But a hollow life, not much culture.

So, how long have you been there?

Nearly 4 years

We are going home next week for a vacation. I am sooooo looking forward to it, but know that the downer will hit as soon as I get back here.
I relate to what everyone is saying. The feeling disengaged. I have let myself gosince being here, as I don't do anything I think whats the point. I do the school run without even running a brush through my hair, I wear clothes that are way past wearable. Things I wouldn't even contemplate at home
I am not in an ex-pat situation, tried to integrate in local life for the last 3 years and now I just don't bother trying.
I am also a sahm, as I've said before it would be easier being a leper, at least they would put me with other lepers.

Maybe you've just come to a point where you're ready to leave...four years is pretty good long time. Do you work? Always so much easier I think

Here are you, Scott?

Yes, I became a thin badly dressed slob in Spain, always the scruffiest

I can really relate to your feelings op, spent 5 years in Vancouver and although we had a lovely house and 'instant friends' after a year I began to really struggle and felt empty inside and ended up on antidepressants.
I felt very disconnected from people around me and although I had a much more active social life than I do now and was very involved in school stuff I couldn't make it work.
Now OH is working in Singapore while me and the kids are in the UK which has not been easy either but I can't do the trailing spouse thing and now the kids are older they need stability and friends. Despite all that am much happier these days

I think it's very hard when your own life is 'on hold' for years on end. I lived in the US for six years, couldn't work for the first 18 months, then worked and enjoyed it for the next two years, then had DS1 and because I didn't want to go back to work after just 12 weeks (that was the entirety of my maternity entitlement), I lost my job and was then at home until we left.

If you're that unhappy though after four years I think I'd want to start making plans to return - even if it was for a year or two year's time. That way you'll have something to look forward to and plan for. Either that or perhaps you move back with the kids before your DH does - would that be an option? I'm not suggesting you do that with a newborn and a toddler, but 1-2 years from now you'll be at the next stage and it would be more manageable (I have a 5-year-old and a 2-year-old and I could cope now on my own, if I had to).

Oh, Scottswede, sounds tough . What makes it hard to integrate, also insular culture?

Not insular here but v shallow roots- legacy of pioneer spirit/apartheid/expats/swallows

And Ruby and Scott, am also scruffier than ever. Only seem to need to wear jeans or shorts, shirts or jeans. V rarely think yo put on a skirt. Kind of think why bother? No job to make the effort for, dh doesn't notice and bothers even less himself. To think i used to get complimented on my appearance!

Piffpoff- yes to empty inside, v true. Good to hear life is better back in the UK but must be hard as virtual LP if dh in Singapore? Or is he back a lot?

Hi Juneau, sorry to hear you had a similar experience- i really think there can be something uniquely isolating about being a sahm overseas. Unless you're a complete extrovert/fall on your feet in a street full of lovely, age-appropriate neighbours/have huge amount of resilience and energy.

Yes, am starting to look ahead to a move back but have lost so much confidence that cant help doing so with a feeling of failure at not having lived to the full here (and we haven't even gone yet!) rather than looking positively forward.
I had SO wanted this adventure and now feel so hopeless about me/it/life. Best not to follow some dreams, maybe!

Are you planning to breast-feed your new baby? If so, I met my best mum friends through the La Leche League, which is a world-wide organisation. Without them I don't know what I'd have done - relied on baby and toddler groups, I suppose - but the LLL was a life saver for me in terms of meeting some really nice women in my town/local area.

Hi- think you're mixing me up with another poster, my babies are at school SAHM due to visa restrictions.