Settling In?

[pupsiecola]

Hi all,

Been in Singapore 2 months (and 1 day). The boys started school yesterday. Early days, but not going so well. The eldest (9, grade 4) is struggling quite a bit. Bus journey is longer than expected and is unacceptable at an hour each way. Is only 20 minutes by car but obviously traffic and stopping to let kids on and off makes it much longer. Currently looking at whether MRT is viable. Might try school bus in the mornings and me picking up on MRT after school. (Reckon can do MRT in 30 minutes door to door).

I popped into school by taxi today to see how long it takes. It was lunchtime. My eldest was sat on his own eating. Then came over to me and was very tearful and asked if he could come home with me. I'm finding it really tough. Just so badly want them to feel settled. He then went to sit in his classroom on his own. There are many more girls in the class than boys. He seems to have lost his confidence in a big way. Very withdrawn.

They're used to me taking them to school and picking them up. So much change - school bus for 2 hours a day, having a helper live in, different food, missing their friends and family, no garden, no beloved trampoline (which they only got last Christmas), climate etc.

Maybe it's just something that happens 2 months in when everything is starting to calm down and there aren't as many distractions - just day to day life.

Sorry for the ramble. Finding it tough this week. Just need to get it out. Londonmoo, how are you doing?

K

K, how were they in the run-up to this, since moving I mean? Did they seem to be having fun? Do your friends here have kids or has it just been your two boys together all summer? What settling in process did the school offer, and what has the reality been?

I recall you saying they were at a small country school before - is the new one very big? (can't remember where you placed them in the end). Have you talked to the teacher about it yet? Guess it's early days.

I'm the wrong person to come to for comfort: week 2 and getting better but still more homesick than I ever expected. It's the 6th week of summer for me and DS - an only child and its always pretty long-haul for us. No friends, toys, familiar things. Pools (yes, plural, this condo is amazing and posh) already lost their charm. All kids here already at school. Run-up to the move included all kinds of catastrophes and traumas, non-related and totally by fluke, so that in fact I should be lying down in a dark room instead of working out how to cross roads, get out of malls, work the air-con, buy school uniform. All that.

But we have sun, heat (which I love), had a nice lunch with another newbie a friend from London introduced me to last month and I think we will be ok. Terrified about school for my boy, who will go by bus even though at home his dizzy nature meant that he would frequently lose things, and even entire classrooms, on a routine basis. I will be biting my nails next Tuesday when he starts properly (orientation on day 1).

We seem to be having days on and days off, yesterday was charming, today was distinctly long-haul.

Let's have coffee next week when my boy is at school. Weds or thurs? You have my email, I believe. Give a shout. And post again with an update, I really feel for you. Virtual hug coming over.

Ps I'm not slagging off Singapore - its amazing here and I think we'll love it. It's just me...

Thanks for that. Our friends have two girls. Slightly different ages but they all get on well. They've had good days and bad days since being here. There are times when they're having a ball, and times when they're really homesick and then times of being content. That's kids isn't it - their way of dealing with things. I guess we've all been thinking how great it would be to be back at school and in a routine etc so there's been a lot riding on this.

I emailed the teacher today and he wrote back within half an hour to say he will introduce a buddy system (surprised they'd not done that but it is only day 2!). He'll keep an eye on O for me which is comforting. We've (all 4 of us) talked through what we CAN do to make them feel happier so we have a bit of a plan. But I just so wanted them to get off the bus yesterday with big grins on their faces. Hopefully things will settle down but feeling a little out of place myself and it's so hard dealing with their emotions - feel very guilty for yanking them away from everything they know. I really like the school very much - it's a new campus and is nowhere near full to capacity (around 650 out of about 2500) an I like that they'll grow with the school.

Anyway, def up for a cuppa next week. Let me know which day suits you.

Sounds like you're doing remarkably well - still such early days and we'd be odd if we didn't have ups and downs ... wouldn't we?!

K

Sorry for butting in, have no experience of Singapore but....

Is there a reason why the children are going on the school bus? If you can go with them by MRT every day, then why not?

Is there a reason why you have a live-in staff, I am assuming here you are not working? I know it might be normal in Singapore, but if it's too much change, then why?

Sorry this sounds harsh, I suppose because it's because I am not in your situation, just thinking it's a massive upheaval to move house, changing school routine and who is living in your house, might be a bit too much.

As someone who has worked in an international school, I must say I wouldn't go during the middle of the day, or phone the school to ask how you children are doing during the day. The children need to settle. I never forget the parent who used to hide behind the tree every single day, her child knew it, didn't settle until a member of staff decided to be a bit tough on the mum and asked her to stop, it was also upsetting the other children seeing another mum watching them from afar. I'm really sorry if this sounds very harsh, I'm not the politest person, said with the best intentions.

Sounds like you need a cuppa every morning for the next few weeks straight after school run. Any clubs or social gatherings for the mums at your school which start after drop-offs?

Thanks for that.

Re the bus, initially we were told the journey was half an hour which would be acceptable (I did the same at age 7 in the UK and was fine). Whilst "most kids do it" isn't a reason for mine to per se if it's not right for us, I am hopeful that they will meet some friends from our condo/nearby which will help them settle. Also they are ready for a little bit of independence and a relatively short bus journey would allow this. So it was a well thought plan rather than me just being lazy. They told me today that they quite like the trip in on the bus as they have indeed made a couple of friends. But that coming home they would rather I fetch them because it's chaos with all the kids trying to get to their buses. So this is what we've agreed for now.

Re going into school at lunchtime - it's not something I will do often. There is a parents' cafe at school right around the corner from the kids' canteen. They serve snacks all day and lunch at lunchtime. I assume therefore that whilst they don't want parents spying on their kids they are happy for parents to be in school at any time during the day. In fact there were several of us there yesterday. I went in to check out other options for getting to school on my own rather than trialling it with them in tow in the morning when it could have gone horribly wrong. I went in at lunchtime a) to see if they were okay because I know that they're struggling a bit and b) to see if I could chat to some other mums, being so new to the country. I've not phoned the school to see how they are. I sent an email which was well received by my son's teacher and he was grateful to know my concerns.

With regards to the live in helper, my husband will be travelling 40 to 50% of the time and I have set up my own business. A business that was successful in the UK and is transferable. Our helper is lovely and I have no regrets there.

So all these things are carefully considered. It's a balance between helping the children to adjust gently, but also building a little resilience so that they can become a bit more independent and courageous which will serve them well now and in later life.

I appreciate you taking the time to respond, but an admission that "you're not the politest person" is a little odd - you realise you're not polite yet you choose to do nothing about it?!

Hi pupsie sorry you and the boys are finding it tough. There have been a fair few threads on here about the different stages of expat life and there certainly seems to be a bit of a pattern in terms of highs and lows.

I'm surprised there wasn't a buddy system too but glad the teacher seems to be on the ball. Do they have any interests sporting or otherwise so they can get involved in clubs either through school or outside as that can obviously be a really easy way of meeting people?

Will see you on 3rd and looking forward to it. It will all be fine honestly.

Thanks for your reassuring words Merlion. I think because it felt like the most natural thing in the world to do, to move over here, it's knocked me a bit sideways but I guess as you say there are bound to be ups and downs.

We have very good, long term friends here so that helps. The boys did Judo for 3 years in the UK. I've been holding off signing them up for any clubs because I wanted to see what the school has to offer in that regard. I will try to find out.

The reason we've got our helper is so that I can spend quality time with the kids rather than being bogged down with the chores. That should help too now that life is calming down a bit.

Yes, see you on the 3rd! Looking forward to it.

Oh Pupsie!

I've had that 18 months ago and again now.

DS has just started grade 3 in a new school (still in HK but new school) and he is exactly like what you describe. He is a very sociable sporty boy but an anxious nature.

Mine is anxious because he is quite academic. He was a in a small school and confidently ahead of the pack. He know figures that in a big school there will be more competition and he is wondering what the new pace will be.
He only likes the competition on the sports field and the after school activities have not started yet, so he lacks balance. (ying and yang, can you tell I have an oriental mind now!)
(smile)

Your DS might have a slight anxiety as he is trying to project himself into something unknown? Its normal and there are so many reasons that may appear mundane to us but significant to them.

I know it will be short lived,its a normal phase for some children.
Some DC (and adults too) just need a little routine so give it 2 -3 weeks but do keep talking to the teacher, am sure they will help.

There have been lots of changes in your lives recently.
Try not to pry too much and get him started on after school activities, clubs etc...Enjoy!

Am sure the 7am bus call doesn't help.Are the boys together on the bus?

Hi Laptop. Thanks for that. Actually you've got me thinking. My eldest is academic too and would feel how your son feels.

They leave on the bus at 7.45am. They are on the bus together which helps a lot. Def gonna look at other locations to live, nearer the MRT station this end. We're only on a one year lease - 10 months left.

Was it perhaps a one-off that the bus took an hour? I've never used a school bus for our children as the youngest ones are so close to school and the eldest takes himself, but a friend started using the school bus service a few months into their relocation, once her children were settled and had already made friends. Their journey is 30-45 minutes instead of 15 minutes in the car. When I asked my friend if the children liked doing a much longer journey, she said it had become a social ritual for those on the bus, the longer the better! I'm sure the bus journey will turn out the same for your children.

Absolutely natation, its also a way to socialise, soon enough, they won't mind too much and have bus friends.
And its part of the routine of fitting in. Most kids use them.
The bus "aunties" are usually lovely.

Am do relieved to hear positive bus feedback. I'd heard that buses are where friendships are formed and yes, people say the longer the trip the happier the kids. But my DS has always been taken to school by me and, as an only child, will be doing it all alone.

DH insists that our boy make the trip (a relatively short one - I insisted on living on a short bus route) from day one but GULP at the thought :(

Great to hear good feedback :)

Hope you are feeling reassured Pupsie. Settling in is as hard for us as it is for the Smalls. I'm totally lost still and bracing self for school next week - so much store set by how that all goes, no wonder you're feeling upset that it's not panning out as you hoped. Will be in touch as soon as school starts so I know when I can meet.

Hey London,

On paper my boys' school bus trip is meant to be 20 minutes. But the reality for us is the number of stops plus rush hour traffic makes it more like 50 minutes. It's so hard to know what the bus schedule will be in terms of stops etc beforehand. My eldest says they drive for 10 minutes before they pick anyone up. There are 11 children going to the school from my condo and the one next door alone (1 other from my condo, 8 from next door). DH and I were saying we'd rather pay a bit more for a minibus just for us lot to go direct to school. But I don't know any of the other parents.... yet. I guess these bus companies just try to use as few buses as possible

Karen

Actually I just rechecked the distance. It's meant to take 13 minutes by car!! I would never have signed up for a 50 minute bus ride. I think I will try to find the other parents near me...

Group minibus/big taxi sounds a great idea, surely it could be less than the school bus service, as less rental time? Benefits of social group transport and less travel time. You'd get other families copying you I think!

Remember though that there is usually a long queue to get to the school gates as the buses are given priority in the half hour before school starts.

When I was in Singapore, we lived in the river valley area. The drive to TTS was 10-15mn but we still left the house at 7:15. Then it was a good 10-15mn from buena vista road onto ports down and all the way to the drop off point.
Its the same story at most schools.
Dover being very close to UWC is likely to be the same problem.

so make sure you account for that and leave early if you are going to organize your own drop off.

Thanks natation and laptop. I meant ask the school bus company to put on a mini bus just for us lot and we pay a bit more. Wasn't planning on driving it myself lol. Sorry if I wasn't clear!!

Hi pupsie I have nothing really to add, just wanted to say that we are 5 weeks into being in Cambodia and I feel for you. DS and DD4 started school here last week and each day one or other of them comes home feeling a bit down and homesick, then the next day they bounce in really happy......as happy as they can be after walking home in the heat!

I will watch your progress with interest, so please keep posting and let me know how things are going.

Thanks PA. I was lying in bed at midnight last night planning our return to the UK in 22 months' time! Things always seem worse at night huh? I feel a bit better this morning. Talk about a rollercoaster! I might look into these typical peaks and troughs. At least so I know what to expect! Good luck to you PA and everyone else struggling.

Pupsie if I can find the research I'll link to it on here. Things a bit manic for me at the moment workwise plus dd decided to party between 2am and 4am and then was up again at 5.30 so not holding out much hope for today!

Pupsi So sorry to hear you are hitting a rough patch. I have been following your threads with interest as I am also new to Singapore.
I would like to hear how you get on with requesting a mini bus. My DD and DS (I believe they are at the same school, SAIS?) started taking the bus yesterday...
The first two days of term I took them by taxi, returned home by MRT, then took MRT back at the end of the day and called for a taxi to get us all back home. We are on Orchard road, so it should be easy, but it has been a complete nightmare.
From my (selfish) point of view the bus is so much better as I no longer race around dripping in sweat... However my youngest is in PreK and he screams when we put him on the bus. DD says he cries for the first 10 minutes each way. This breaks my heart.
I had hoped that they would be on one of the smaller mini buses that I have seen at school, but unfortunately they are not... I'm sure DS will eventually get used to it, but a smaller bus would be less intimidating. We are in a serviced apartment for the next 3 weeks (only got here 13 days ago!) and then we move to an apartment that is closer to the school. If paying more for a small mini bus is an option, I will definitely consider it...

Hope things get easier for you and your boys.

this is a good place to meet newcomers

They also run a mini farmers market a eery other saturday I think?

this is a must do on the expat trail, there is one pretty much every month and people generally get very chatty with newcomers.

To balance out the all expat experience above, get out and about yourself,sample the food in hawker centers.
Go to local markets. They are usually within an HDB estate and will give you a feel of what the "real" singapore is.
Enjoy!

Hi CSK,

So sorry to read your thread. That's really harsh - and only 13 days in too. How old is your daughter? Yep - at SAIS. Very very pleased with the school. Mine are enjoying the bus in the morning and I'm going to pick them up. Only took 11 minutes on the MRT yesterday (to Clarke Quay). Then got the option of a 15 minute walk or a quick cab ride, or the bus. All in all about 35 minutes but it means I'm with them from 3.30pm rather than 4.30pm and we all like that a lot.

Do you want to meet for a cuppa next week? If you're at school we could meet at the parent cafe?

Also, did you see we've got a book club set up?

Big hugs. It's so tough seeing the little ones struggle :-(

BTW, where are you moving to? I am busy researching areas. How will you get to school then?

K x

Hi pupsi

The school is lovely and both DD (10) and DS (3) are enjoying it. The only tricky bit so far is the bus.
11 minutes on the MRT is pretty good. I can see that you are on a direct line... but would you really walk for 15 minutes in this heat??? Maybe I just haven't acclimatised yet. Haven't figured out the buses yet, either. That's on my "to do" list.

It would be lovely to meet up next week, and yes, the parent cafe would be ideal. When is good for you?

I did see the thread about a book club, but I was holding off until things calm down at home a bit. I don't have time to read anything but paperwork and guidebooks at the moment!

laptop thank you for those links. Duly bookmarked and added to the reading list ... but I think you are right about exploring the "real" Singapore. I loved living in Hong Kong a few years ago and enjoy nothing more than getting lost in a local market .

Which day suits you? Can do Tuesday or Wednesday at 2.30?