Settling In?

[pupsiecola]

Hi all,

Been in Singapore 2 months (and 1 day). The boys started school yesterday. Early days, but not going so well. The eldest (9, grade 4) is struggling quite a bit. Bus journey is longer than expected and is unacceptable at an hour each way. Is only 20 minutes by car but obviously traffic and stopping to let kids on and off makes it much longer. Currently looking at whether MRT is viable. Might try school bus in the mornings and me picking up on MRT after school. (Reckon can do MRT in 30 minutes door to door).

I popped into school by taxi today to see how long it takes. It was lunchtime. My eldest was sat on his own eating. Then came over to me and was very tearful and asked if he could come home with me. I'm finding it really tough. Just so badly want them to feel settled. He then went to sit in his classroom on his own. There are many more girls in the class than boys. He seems to have lost his confidence in a big way. Very withdrawn.

They're used to me taking them to school and picking them up. So much change - school bus for 2 hours a day, having a helper live in, different food, missing their friends and family, no garden, no beloved trampoline (which they only got last Christmas), climate etc.

Maybe it's just something that happens 2 months in when everything is starting to calm down and there aren't as many distractions - just day to day life.

Sorry for the ramble. Finding it tough this week. Just need to get it out. Londonmoo, how are you doing?

K

Corkscrew, I am not in Singapore, but in Cambodia, so not too far away and the heat here is totally exhausting, too. I just wanted to say that when we arrived just over a month ago we really struggled to walk the 20 minutes we needed to to get somewhere, but over the weeks it has got easier and now I don't mind at all, so maybe your 15 minute walk won't seem so daunting when you have acclimatised more.

When we arrived I asked if you ever got used to the heat and I was told that I would not really get used to the heat, but I would get used to ignoring the sweat pouring off me! It certainly doesn't bother me as much now as it did, so maybe they were right!

Have a good weekend everyone here.

positiveAttitude!

I would say your body needs a full 3 months to acclimatise.
Your senses are continuously thrown haywire by the relentless humidity and heat but I agree, most people quickly learn to live around it.

Its somehow also quite liberating as we wear light clothes and spend a lot of time outdoors. We become very body conscious ( in a very good way I mean).
We have embraced some new fun sport that we can all do as a family and is a great way to socialise. Am thinking tennis, sailing or just lying around your condo pool.

I dont mind the sweat but not a pretty sight when turning up for work!

I think for me it's the lack of any anchor: friends, places, familiarity - and even though I didn't work I was a freelancer and could dip in and out if I wanted and I spent all day writing from home.

But this is what we have come here for - to break free and have a change, see other viewpoints. I know that this is Day 12 and things will be very different in a few weeks but it's all so surreal; to think of my DS having a hard time at school (no, a 'bad' time - we know it will be hard but as your original post said it is when things are actually horrible for them that things go pear-shaped) - anyway to think of that happening would just make me so very sad. I can quite see why it has thrown you.

Fortunately I'm a heat-bunny so the weather suits me, although it is tough-going sometimes.

Anyway once DS is in school let's catch up. Hoping next week is better for you.

X

Hi,
We've been here 10 months and yes it really takes a while to settle. Our kids were ok actually, but they'd been in expats before and at least here we speake the lingo.
But personally, I found it to be a bit like the post baby blues from month 3-6. Can't say I love it here, but it certainly great for a few years.
SAIS is meant to be good and I know some nice parents there. Once you find some PLU 's life improves!
Good luck, and just yell if you need anything.

pupsie I have sent you a pm.
laptop so after 3 months I can expect to either not care that I look like I've showered fully dressed, or just give up on clothes and spend all day in my bathing suit
positiveattitude Wow, Cambodia. Somewhere that I hope to visit soon, but I can imagine that it would be very different to live there...

You can also learn to do the whole orchard road or cbd/marina area underground from mall to mall and through underpasses and mrt stations to stay within an air conditioned perimeter

CorkScrew IT is VERY different. We left the UK and I had mentally prepared my self as much as possible for arriving in a third world, very poor country. Then we landed in Singapore and stayed there for a few days and I was a bit spaced out by all the riches there. It sort of did my brain in a bit because I was so unprepared.
THe people here are absolutely lovely and if you are ever visiting let me know I'd love to meet and take you for a coffee or show you around a bit.

Hope this week is better for all those DCs struggling at at schools.

Uh-oh. Our turn.

Kept DS off on Friday with genuine bad tum and ear infection, trip to docs. Has been ropey all weekend. Never off sick in UK, always had illnesses that were bad at night but fine in daylight so almost always sent in to school.

We've now been in Sing for three weeks and it's going OK, ish, though DS has been slower to make friends around the condo than I would have thought. Not like him. This morning comes and - yay - he feels better. But the bus is consistently late (school only started last Tuesday so we've only had three days of it), and was late again today and the waiting is literally driving him mad.

On top of a stomach that is often loose, and the tum bug he's had, and the nerves, he was totally jittery again today and crying. Which is unlike him. When the bus eventually pulled up he was yanked onto it and shoved into a seat and that was that. That sort of hurried entry into the bus is not something I will be precious about in a few weeks' time; it's fine, it's just that they're busy and in fact the bus aunties are all lovely - they just have a job to do. But the point is that none of this is helping.

We live near the school as the crow flies but my option, if not the school bus, would be a) traffic-riddled public bus, b) MRT then bus, c) expensive and traffic-clogged cab. Should we make the journey 5 times as long and try out a public transport method, or should we just bear with it for the next month and hope that he settles? He complains about loneliness, fear of getting lost, feeling ropey. All these worries are common to him but usually on a much smaller scale and over here they seem to be looming large for him. With no contact at the school myself (they have been lovely but they don't 'do' emails, just paper contact, and of course I don't drop off so no contact there) I feel a bit isolated in helping him. Should I write in the communication book, when it comes home, that he could do with a buddy?

Sigh. Thought we were doing so well, wretched stomach bug has just compacted things for him/us.

Hi London,

My heart goes out to you. I would def write in the communication book about your concerns. I was really surprised that they don't have a buddy system at our school like in the UK but then I guess it's hard cos there are new kids through all the year groups, so some of the older kids would need buddies too rather than be able to be buddies.

That's strange re the school not sending out emails - I wonder what their thinking is there?

How long is the bus journey to school? As you know I've switched to picking mine up in the afternoon but that's just cos it's actually shorter than the school bus journey - it's very straightforward too - an 11 minute MRT ride then either 5 minute cab or 15 minute pleasant (?!) walk along the river. But I have to say it does help to be able to catch the teacher too and just feel involved. Could you pick him up say two or three times a week in a cab, just for the next week or so?

I wish I had words of wisdom. It's much harder than I thought. We're having real issues with my younger son settling. He had a bad dream at 2am this morning. I put him back to bed and reassured him but then unbeknown to me he got up again, locked himself in the bathroom and sobbed. No idea how long for. His brother woke up (his room is opposite the bathroom) and came to get me. Then we were all up. His teacher has been amazing. She's in touch with me regularly but I am very concerned :-(

Would you like to meet for a cuppa later this week? Let me know cos apart from eye ball testing tomorrow (for Lasik) I'm around. Would be good to put a face to the name anyway...

Big hugs. I hope your son has a better day today and that the bus settles down. Have you contacted the school regards the lateness?

Take care,

K xx

Londonmoo, your child is at Dover I think? Getting there in a cab from HV in the mornings is really not a problem, a bit of a hassle to do every morning over the long term but very do-able for a few weeks. Lots of people take buses or cabs or drive to Dover - the traffic looks heavy but it does move as you are going against the rush hour traffic in that direction.

I found that dropping the kids off is quite important to make them feel settled - that you know where they are and are part of school. The teachers are usually really happy to have a chat and let you hover in the classroom a bit at morning drop-off if that helps your son settle.

Picking up from Dover can be a bit more of a palaver as there is a queue of cars but it you get there early, sit in the canteen with the other mums, then grab a cab or bus back home, it may make a big difference. I dropped my children off but once they settled they were begging to go on the bus!

So sorry to hear about the kids' struggles. It is very unsettling to move - I've been here for 12 months and will still occasionally have a weep myself! It must be really heartbreaking.
I'd second/third the idea of taking the kids to school for a while. I have a much younger child (nearly 5) and when we first got here was a bit PFB about the school bus, so I took her in a cab and got the MRT/bus back and vice versa in the afternoons. It means your day is totally taken over by commuting from here to there, but I think it was a real investment in helping her settle. She knew I knew where she was and what she was doing, I could help grease the wheels (so to speak) of new friendships by getting to know the other mums and inviting them for playdates etc. After a term she too was begging to take the bus to school (although likes me to pick her up). As The Expat Wife says, it also connects you to the teacher and the school and opens up the lines of communication.

Also, at my daughter's school, each class has Parent Class Contacts who organise playdates, evenings out etc for the kids and parents, at least once a term. Do your schools have anything like that? If not, maybe you could suggest an out of school get together in a playground, indoor play or by the condo pool? Pupsie, you said there are only a few boys in your son's class - maybe you could get the contact details of the other boys' mums from the school (or ask if the teacher will forward an email if they won't release email addresses) and suggest a boys' only get together like indoor rock climbing or something? It might help to build a bit of comaraderie.
Sending lots of positive thoughts.

PS if the commute to and from school is really bad (or you get fed up like I did!), you can hire a car quite cheaply for a month or so from any of the expat leasing companies. I did this after I got tired of trying to get cabs. It was a good temporary fix.

Hi London
I arrived in Singapore around the same time as you, I think, so I don't have much advice, but it might be worth writing to your school bus company about your concerns with the pick up/handing over and seeing if they can allow a little extra time for getting your boy on board. We have complained several times about the fact that the bus drives off before my kids are even seated, let alone buckled up. My husband got very angry today when he witnessed it himself and now they (the bus company) have promised to take their time instead of speeding off...
Things will get easier, I'm sure

Hi londonmoo, another Dover mum here, dd1 is in year 3, I believe your ds is too? Dd1 is in class p3/10, which class is your ds? Who is his teacher? Definitely agree about writing in the communication book, and I would ask when would be a good time to come in to speak with his teacher. I know a lot of teachers at Dover who would be horrified if they thought one of their class was having such a difficult time, so please speak up. If nothing else, they will at least be able to keep an eye on him and help him integrate. The class lists will be out this week I hope and you will have a class mum who should organize a coffee fairly soon so you can get to know mums. Organize a play date, trip to the cinema, swimming etc with someone from ds class too, is there anyone else new in his class who would particularly welcome a new friend? Maybe his teacher can advise....

The bus system is always a bit ropey in the first week or two as people settle into the routine - dd2 almost trampled some kids in her rush to get on the bus today (her first day on the bus ... She's 3 and been waiting 2 years to get on that bus, she'll be sick of it in a week I reckon!). The bus company has an office in the school if you want to go in and mention timing, or give them a call, they are very nice too, although they will tell you it's the traffic making them late....

I really feel for you as I've been there too, but rest assured that things will get better. Feel free to message me if there is anything at all you think I can help with.

Oh ladies - what would we all do without each other? Sniff.

Butterflies how lovely: my son is in the same class as your girl! Mrs O seems great and yes, perhaps I'll write her a note in the book. I think the total lack of parental interaction and lack of email system is winding me up. I have been thinking all day: what did I ever DO about all the queries I had at the old school and why did nothing faze me? And I realised it was because we just had to email each other and someone (usually me, ironically) would have the answer. And if a new person joined they just got on the email chain and posted a question to the class parents.

The commute in is the tricky bit. Coming home I think is more straightforward for him as he has home to look forward to. I now have a new complaint which is lack of air con on the bus home. Took a pic today of how he looked when he got off - you can see the sweat beads on his face and his hair is all stuck down. Poor little s*d. I made the bus auntie stop shutting the door and asked about the air con, pointing at him (this has also happened every day) and she said: oh you know, it's a hot day.

I might try the commute in via cab. DH will be horrified but I think it just might settle DS.

I am annoyed with the whole business of non-settling, just can't believe it's happening to us as I really thought it would all be fine. The whole point of this enormo-upheaval in our lives is that it is fun. If it isn't, what on earth are we all up to out here? Poor kid, really feel for him. I got taken to the US aged 7, until 8, with a sister who is just a year older but v different to me. She loved it, I loathed it. Hate to think this is history coming round again and really trying not to create a self-fulfilling whatsit.

DH on the other hand is a true global nomad and cannot see what the trouble is. At least we have his cheery optimism to buffer us all on. Right, off to gaze once more at the pool before switching off the air con and turning in. There are many compensations to this funny expat life.

Thanks ladies. Butterflies, I will PM you and perhaps we can share details. I'd really appreciate it. And Pupsie, tomorrow I'll sort out a diary date with you, that'd be lovely.

to all

PS pupsie your poor little boy! The bless thing.

DS had a nightmare last week and I came downstairs and found he'd locked himself in his bedroom. Had been waiting for about an hour for me to come down.

What on earth is going on with the poor wee things... :(

Hope your two have a break soon.

x

Thanks London. Your post summed things up. Meant to be fun, an adventure. And it is a lot of the time of course. It's a fine line too between not letting them manipulate us when they can see how concerned and giving of attention/swimming/new Lego/chocolate/ice cream we become when they have a wobble, and taking their worries seriously. A very fine line.

Night night all. Let's do a meet up soon perhaps? Anyone fancy Prive on Keppel Island for brunch or lunch...

K