Living in the USA - anyone struggle with this?

[DarkShadowsAndBags]

Hi there. I wondered if you lovely ladies could help me. I have used MN before, but have namechanged for this.

I?ve been living in the US now for about 9 months or so, and have to say I?m not enjoying it at all. I moved over here to live with my husband and, whilst it?s wonderful being with him all the time, I?m finding adjusting a lot harder than I thought I would. I have lived abroad before, and I?d travelled out to the US on a number of occasions, but actually living here is not going as I?d hoped. I realise having a holiday somewhere is different to living somewhere full-time, but I really don?t like living here ? my husband has no friends that live close by (i.e. less than an hour away), and his family all live 100 miles + away. I live in the Midwest (and a small town at that), and I?m finding that things here just seem very ?backward? and there doesn?t seem to be much social stuff happening in the town I live, which feels like it exacerbates the situation. I?m working and trying to integrate myself, but I am feeling terribly homesick at the moment, and am annoyed with myself about it.

So, my question is: what did you do to make yourself feel more at home in the US? I?ve joined a gym, joined a few groups on meetup, that kind of thing, but am still wishing I wasn?t here. Any ideas?

Thank you in advance!

Sorry I don't have any suggestions.
Trying to fit in and make friends in a small town is difficult. I live in a small town of about 5000 people. The first friend I made was through Ds going to Kindergarten, then I got work and things were better (sort of) made other friends. Turns out many years later I don't see any of them anymore, everyone's busy, different paths in life etc.
Then we had Ds#2 and he started school and I have had a handful of friends from that ever since.
I found out that most people round here only really socialize with their actual family, school friends and church family, so I was doomed. The three friends I now have two are from other areas (so also outsiders) and one is a bit odd even though we love her, so she really didn't mix well with locals.
I'm making good friends through a fitness studio I go to 4 times a week and thats about it. If we started going to Church we'd be overflowing with friends and invites, but I went a couple times and just can't do it here.
We have been in this town 19 years this week, and I have three friends I can call on the phone anytime, and a couple of others I would arrange a meet up with but not last minute drop in types. It's just the way it is.

Forgot to add we are in the middle of getting rid of stuff and moving back to UK, we hope to be back by next spring.

We've been in LA 4 months and I've made a few friends from hanging around in playgrounds with my DC but the ones I'm getting closest to and who have made a returned effort with me are a gay couple a friend introduced us to via Facebook before arriving, the wife and family of one of my husbands colleagues and some other British mums who I've via the first who I met on Mumsnet. LA is huge but very isolating and my major trouble is I know we'll be going home at some point - but it probably won't be for 4years, but mentally I'm just looking forward to that.

Hoping it just gets easier really....shame you're not closer, would have you round for a cup of tea and some marmite on toast!

Thank you both for your replies - I really appreciate it. The fact that you've both had difficulties says a lot!

To be honest, I've never had LOTS of friends, but have always picked up one or two along the way wherever I've been, which has led to a close set of friends who live all over the UK! Now, I'm in the US and feeling a bit lost!

I'm hoping that things will get easier too, but I don't have any kids of my own, which means that that's one avenue not open to me at the moment. I can understand why the 4 year thing would be a mental block, GirlWithTheMouseyHair - if I had an 'end date', I think I'd just get my head down and do what I needed to do! My husband is American, though, and is not wanting to leave the US anytime soon. I hope that we'll at least have that option sometime in the future, as I don't want to spend the rest of my life here (or I don't think I do right now - maybe that will change?) And, yep, shame I'm not closer as I would have taken you up on your offer - although, marmite on toast? I think I'll take marmalade!

And thanks for your reply too, Natasha. Kind of worrying that the replies so far are echoing what I'm experiencing, but it's good to hear others' opinions.

Maybe it's worth seeing if there are any other expats anywhere near you? Having that as some similar ground helps, at least at first.

I lived in the US for 2 years OP, I moved out earlier this year. I too am used to moving around a lot, but really did struggle with the US. Not sure why - perhaps I thought it would be easier than usual because of the language being the same... ha! It really got on my wick that so many people tried to correct my English (my first language!). Anyway, I digress...

What helped me most was a house move after the first year. I moved within in the same area, but somehow moving got rid of the bad associations with feeling lonely, and my new neighbours were very nice and became friends of a sort.

Two years was about the time when I felt like I had a history and felt really at home. I met people through my kids and I took a few adult education courses and met a good friend that way. How about you find a hobby you can be passionate about or take on a volunteer job in something that interests you, that way you can meet other people through that. I sew and have got to know a lot of people online that sew. It really helps me feel like I have an extended family, when I travel places I usually know people nearby and can meet them for the day.

I think the midwest is harder in many ways, it is more small town. Where are you?

Girlwith, where are you in L.A? We go up there from time to time. Last weekend we were in Long Beach and Cerritos. The weekend before we were all over visiting colleges and the weekend before that we went to Pasadena for the day (long drive!). I probably won't go again for several months, but you never know.

I'm an anti-social bitch so don't find it much of a problem not having people to socialise with coming out of my ears.
My husband does like to have a large social group though and has recently gained this by joining the Quakers. Horror of horrors this has also widened my social network too!
I also went to a collaging workshop for a while, which is how I met one of my good friends.
I'm in NJ and would probably go barmy in a small mid-western town.

I'm in Santa Monica - def look me up if you're around!

Thanks again for your replies, everyone - I really appreciate it.

mockingjay - interesting that you had the same issue too. I have to admit it gets to a point where I really want to get on a plane and go home (UK) for a while. Can't do that, and wouldn't either, as I know I'm here for the long haul and want to make the most of it.

hopandaskip - thanks! I'd read that it takes 2 years to really feel at home somewhere. I guess I'm at a point where I just want to feel like I have a life here, and I don't yet. I did do volunteering for a bit, but am working now (as we need to both work), and it's pretty full on, so I'm waiting to see if I get some kind of schedule where I can then look at starting the volunteering again. The other thing I've looked at is to start up knitting - I'm looking to see if there are groups around for that. As for where I am - I'm in Ohio. I think I'm sometimes the first Brit that people have actually met!

fridakahlo - that made me laugh! I'm not overly social, but I do like having some people around sometime too. Don't think there's any chance of my husband becoming a Quaker any time soon!

Thanks again, everyone!

Dark, that is where my mum is from, where in OH? You should be able to find a knitting group, if not, perhaps you should start one! Are you a member of ravelry?

Hop - thanks for the idea about ravelry. I hadn't heard of that before, and will check it out. As for the groups; I'm looking into that at the moment.

As for where I am: I live pretty close to Columbus in SE Ohio (never know how specific to be on the wonderful internet!)

Hi op. I've moved countries a couple of times and just wanted to say that it takes about 2 years to feel settled and to have made some friends you are comfortable with. I tend to meet people through work and sports (I'm not particularly sporty by any means). Accept all invitations even if you don't really feel like going and you don't think you'll be best buddies with the person who asked. You'll meet others and gain more "things to talk about". When you first move somewhere you have the advantage of being able to ask absolutely stupid questions and get away with it. It's possible to invite yourself out with groups of people or invite yourself to pop into someone's place for coffee without it being cringible. At least I used to do it without embarrassment and I don't think the people I tagged along with we're embarrassed. People are quite pleased you've taken an interest and you'll probably find they think you're exotic and sophisticated x

In my experience the US is very church based. When I lived in Chicago they even had a Church for people who didn't really believe or we're outside the mainstream, but who wanted "Church" eg. Sunday school and talk and social.
I have friends who didn't last very long because they felt so isolated.

When I lived there briefly I was fortunate to have an "in" to a social group, and to be young. In America people tend to be very superficially friendly but it is a big deal to invite you into their home.

Then you have small town living, have you lived in a small town or village? It is always tricky. I would also suggest you try to learn a bit about US history, there are a couple of courses on Colonial/Revolutionary American on iUni (it's an apple app), which I have found help me to understand a lot more.

Of course long term you H may have to compromise and move to a city, for your sanity. Good luck.

That hasn't been my experience. I could say that it is because I live in San Diego where many many people are not native to the area, but most of my good friends are San Diegans. The different areas of America have such different personalities though. I know that I do not do well in small towns and villages though, so I would never choose that.

Dark, my mum is from Southern OH, south of Chillicothe. I would not do well in that area. Columbus maybe though.

I have found it difficult (been in NJ/NYC area for 8 yrs) and looking to return back to the UK. I miss my family too much and miss 'real' friends. I find, in my experience and especially with the people I work with, for them to be very narrow minded. My accent still gets mocked on a daily basis and I'm pretty bored of that now. Plus the endless berating of the UK's 'communist' system and 'socialised medicine'. I find the US pretty selfish and there's a lot of 'not in my back yard' so really I don't care / not by problem. The gap between rich and poor is huge. Being poor is the US is awful and there is little opportunity to get out. I don't feel its so extreme in the UK. At least in the UK there is access to schools and healthcare that is not dependent on salary.

Could you move to a bigger town?

I'm American and I'd go nuts in small-town Ohio (no offence anyone)

I understand your DH wants to stay in the US, but compromise means that if you aren't happy somewhere you could at least move elsewhere within the US, even within Ohio.

9 months isn't long but don't feel forced to stick it out for 2 years if you're miserable. I know I wouldn't be happy if my DH were miserable for 2 years!

Thanks everyone for your replies - you've all been so helpful, and I really appreciate it.

Holly - thanks. I am accepting all the invites I get although I was pretty tied to the flat we live in to start with so I wasn't getting out and meeting people. But, yep, will definitely do that. Have to be honest and say I'm not too good at inviting myself to stuff, but know I need to work on that.

mummytime - I've not really experienced the church influence as yet. I lived in a few towns in the UK but there's just more around because the UK is (obviously!) so much smaller. The town I come from was smack bang in the middle of the midlands, so I could get pretty much anywhere, and I liked that. In comparison, I do feel out in the sticks a bit. I knew it was going to be different, and was open to it, but it is not something I particularly enjoy. As for moving (and I know dreaming and hop covered this too): I have discussed this with my husband as I would like us to be open to living elsewhere (closer to Columbus, for instance). Initially, he was very against this, but I think (although we haven't talked about it for a while) he was coming around to the idea that there is more to consider than just him - he got very used to that when he was single, so it's an adjustment for both of us. We have also discussed the fact that we may have to move back to the UK at some point depending on what happens with family, etc., but I guess I wonder if that will happen. He's not lived outside of Ohio, so not sure about how he'd feel when it actually came to moving.

Sittingbull - I wonder if there are any new people here! And, if so, I'm not sure how I'd find them. There doesn't appear to be much social activity going on here, so it's difficult to know. I know I need to look into this more - I was a bit discouraged when I looked at meetup and found the closest things were all in Columbus, which is not far but not that close either!

Hop - know what you mean about Chilicothe! I live closer to Columbus than that, thank goodness, but really wouldn't want to live there (and don't want to offend anyone with that - just not for me).

Natasha - definitely will.

Anewstart - I know what you mean about your 'real' friends. I have a best friend over in the UK and I wonder if I'll find anyone like that here. The people I've met so far want to hear my accent but not anything else about me, which I find frustrating. The whole 'oh, your accent sounds great, I could listen to it all day' thing has gotten old for me too. And, don't get me started on the healthcare issue! I hope your return back to the UK goes really well.

dreaming - I know what you mean being miserable. I don't want to be miserable, but I feel a bit trapped at the moment as I know that we can't move out of Ohio anytiime soon. I'm not trashing Ohio, but I think there are other places to explore. Have to wait and see what happens in the next year or so.

Thanks, everyone, for your responses. It's been great to hear that I'm not the only one having an issue, and you've given me lots to think about!

I'm not sure whether I should say this or not, but well, here goes

I think it might help to think about how much of this is a problem with you adjusting, and how much of this is a relationship issue. I find it pretty shocking tbh that after you have left your home country, your family and everything you know, your DH won't even move closer to Columbus. That is pretty selfish behaviour, I think, and I would not be impressed with a man who let his wife be unhappy when he could do something about it by moving a little bit up the road.

Marriage is compromise. It's not fair if you are the only one doing the compromising on such an important issue. He is going to have to be a bit brave too.

I think it's very admirable to try to stick it out but honestly, do not sacrifice your happiness for too long. You say it would be easier to have an end date -- why not give yourself an end date? Why should your DH be the only one to determine where you live?

Sorry if I'm speaking out of turn, I know you didn't come here for relationship advice, but IME the most important ingredient in expat life is a supportive partner.

Thanks for your reply. I understand what you're saying, and I agree that marriage is a compromise. When we first discussed where we would live long term, I did let him know that I didn't think it was fair to expect us to stay in this area, so he's aware that it's not just his decision.

After all that had been written here, I discussed locations with my husband last night and he is definitely open to moving - we would need to stay in Ohio for the time being for a number of reasons, so it wouldn't be too far, but it's a start. We did discuss when we may be looking to move, so I've got some idea of when we may be moving. I agree with you - I'd like an 'end date' when I know we will have moved somewhere that might suit us both a bit better.