Living in the USA - anyone struggle with this?

[DarkShadowsAndBags]

Hi there. I wondered if you lovely ladies could help me. I have used MN before, but have namechanged for this.

I?ve been living in the US now for about 9 months or so, and have to say I?m not enjoying it at all. I moved over here to live with my husband and, whilst it?s wonderful being with him all the time, I?m finding adjusting a lot harder than I thought I would. I have lived abroad before, and I?d travelled out to the US on a number of occasions, but actually living here is not going as I?d hoped. I realise having a holiday somewhere is different to living somewhere full-time, but I really don?t like living here ? my husband has no friends that live close by (i.e. less than an hour away), and his family all live 100 miles + away. I live in the Midwest (and a small town at that), and I?m finding that things here just seem very ?backward? and there doesn?t seem to be much social stuff happening in the town I live, which feels like it exacerbates the situation. I?m working and trying to integrate myself, but I am feeling terribly homesick at the moment, and am annoyed with myself about it.

So, my question is: what did you do to make yourself feel more at home in the US? I?ve joined a gym, joined a few groups on meetup, that kind of thing, but am still wishing I wasn?t here. Any ideas?

Thank you in advance!

HI OP,

I'm another one who has been here almost 2 years. I am in a bigger city (Vegas) but even then it is difficult to make real freinds. As someone suggested the most friendly people I have met have been other transplants, many people have thier freinds list sorted via church or long history. It is much harder than breaking into a small village culture int he UK. I agree if I went to church here that wold help, but honestly I have tried it and it was just not me, and I hated the fact the kids had to go to a separate service and that DD came home from her's telling me basically she learned that the church wanted money from Mummy and Daddy and the neighbours, but they had not mentioned god at all. Just how to solicit money from the neighbours with freshly baked cookies :S

Anyway... I would try to push on the moving closer to Columbus or another city. There will be more of a varied community, and less of the set in thier ways type of thing that happens in small midwestern towns. HUbby is from a small place in MIssouri - so I know just what you mean. Hope it all works out.

Hi OP, I am from the US (Colorado) but I did live in Oh for a while. If you can move closer to Columbus or another town with a University I think you'll find more types of folks. the Midwest is extremely, um, singular, in a lot of ways. When I moved there from CO, it was like moving to another country. really, I think the move was more drastic than when I moved to Ireland.

People there are friendly but really wary of anything different. And they all have known each other for generations, it seems, and you're not like them.
Of course, all small town everywhere I've been have been like this. And this year, being an election year, everyone is all riled up.

So I am sorry you're not enjoying it, that makes me .

I do think getting online may help too! And again, universities tend to pull in a lot of different people from all over the world, and Ohio State is a huge university that is big on research (read, foreigners) as well as sports.

Also, remember that most of Ohio was settled by Germans, and that's the underlying culture there, not English. every state sort has a different flavor if you will, based on who the first Europeans to get there were and when that happened!

OP, I think it would really help if you could move to a bigger city, if this is a possibility. I am married to an American, we live in the Midwest, but in Chicago. I absolutely love it here, there are lots of things going on, various meet up groups and opportunities to meet all kinds of people. I do sympathise with living in small town Midwest USA - we visit relatives downstate and after a few days I am itching to get back to the diversity of the city! (although there are of course, cons as well as pros to city living)

I know you said that you are not a church goer, but you may want to look into the Unitarian church - try googling First or Universal Unitarian (UU) churches in wherever you live in Ohio? My (admittedly limited) knowledge/experience of Unitarian churches has been very positive. They are very liberal communities and almost 'multi faith'/humanistic. They have their history rooted in Christian/Jewish traditions, but do not recognise one faith, rather the emphasis is on the individual journey and Spirit/Source of life, wherever one finds it. I'm making it sound far more 'woo' that it is! The UU are against discrimination of any kind, and the ones I have encountered have been friendly and engaged in social justice/community work. May be worth a try if you have near you?

Good luck and I hope it is cooler there than it is here right now!

Thanks so much for the responses - it's great to get so many opinions.

So, it seems like the almost unanimous decision is to move to a larger city? I have talked to DH about moving closer to Columbus, as I mentioned, and I think that would really help. Just being closer to somewhere that has a lot going on will make a difference, I think.

sharklet - I'm jealous you live in a larger place! Thanks for your information re: churches etc. I think that Columbus is as far as we could go atm given a number of different factors, but it's wonderful to know I'm not alone (although not good people find settling in difficult).

monsterchild - Yes! 'Singular' is absolutely right! I think I stick out like a sore thumb with my accent and the reactions I get make me feel very much an outsider. I know it's not the intent, but that's what happens. Funny you mention OSU - I did apply for jobs there a while back and am still keen to look into further opportunities there as I loved the 'buzz' about the place. You also make a good point about Ohio being settled by Germans (which I didn't know - just goes to show I need to find out more about where I live, as an earlier poster pointed out)

Ettaras - You live in Chicago? I can imagine something's always happening there, and it's great to hear you're having such a good time. I know what you mean about itching to get back to Chicago: I used to live very close to London, and the first few months I was literally itching to be somewhere like that again. It's not so bad now, but every now and then it still hits me pretty hard, but I am sure from what I've read here that it's common and (hopefully) will get better. Thanks for your ideas - I'll definitely give them a think! And, as for the heat - I feel like I'm melting as it's about 97 here today!

Thanks again!

My mother's family were welsh, as were a bunch of people in the area. They have Eisteddfods . The Welsh were brought in as experts for the mining industry, when my mum was growing up there were some old ladies who spoke welsh still.

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time in the US, Dark. Integrating into a small town is always harder than more metropolitan areas. Having said that, maybe what you should aim for is a satellite or suburban town near a big city? Big cities can be challenging in their own ways and are competitive and expensive but a suburban community near a big city could be ideal: you'd get the diversity of a city but with more networks and chances to meet people.

I'm surprised your DH chose to live in the town if he doesn't know anyone there either - is he a medical resident or something and tied to a job? Using my DH's contacts has been helpful for me (he's not American but knows people through his work).

Personally, I have found the US to be easier than the other countries I've lived in (Germany, and - no offence as I'm not from there - the UK) but I do live in the liberal paradise of Northern California, in an area with lots of international workers. I have met some great people since moving here 6 months ago, Americans and foreigners. People have been very open and welcoming, invited us to their homes etc. The town we live in is medium-sized, fairly affluent and in between 2 big cities so it's a nice mix of small-town community feel but with good diversity and a pretty highly skilled, educated workforce. Maybe you should aim for something like that if you're flexible to move?

Here's a link to the best places to live in the US according to Money Magazine:
Ohio
USA generally
Solon, OH gets a mention as well as a good small town (you're going to write back and tell me you already live there now )

I live in small town Midwest as well. Fortunately we are only 5 miles from a fairly cosmopolitan city. I found that in the small town lots of people stick with their families, and social life is based around church. I often got referred to as 'the English' person.

However, I teach in the city and love my job. I was v badly depressed until getting the job. The small town I live in is nice, and I have a good group of friends, but I really needed a job before I started feeling at home.

I think if your dh is willing to compromise then there is some hope. Can you start looking at what you think you want, visit places etc? Build up a picture of places you might feel more at home in?

I used to live in OH (twice, actually).

It is very difficult if you want it to be just like the UK - it isn't and never will be.

I think what you have to realise is that life will be pretty hard for a couple of years, and that you have to do all the running. It is very difficult to break into established social circles, especially of people are surrounded by extended family.

You have to do things outside of your comfort zone, such as by going to church. You might not be a Christian but the fact is that life revolves around being a member of a church (although just for Sunday - it doesn't interfere with your life the other 6 days). If your town has an Episcopal Church, I can't advise enough that you start going. TEC is highly sociable and they drink! They will not ask deep questions about faith or pray for you in the middle of the street.

If your town has a library, join a book discussion group. Look for every opportunity to meet new people. I found that people would start having a deeper conversation when you had something in common, eg if you see the same person at the gym and book group.

Another thing to do is to get out and about at weekends. There are really nice places to visit in Southern Ohio - you'll get a buzz out of making plans.

Get A fix of decent food, and British crap, by going to www.junglejims.com - they just opened another store on the East side of Cincinnati. You're eyes will be on stalks the moment you drive in. Go to a nice shopping area (Easton in Columbus) for a visit.

If there's a pool club or country club, you should think about joining.

Oh God, Jungle Jim's. I dream of Jungle Jim's.

OP, I have been in NY for 6 years and I have had the same problems - and I belong to a church! People will be superficially super friendly, but it's incredibly hard to get any closer - it's like once they have an established group of friends they are not open to meeting new people. I would say that I have made only one really good friend in my time here.

Even though I'm in a fairly cosmopolitan place, I still feel that when people talk to me they are conscious that they are 'talking to a foreigner', so I don't tend to get normal conversations about everyday life - people always want to talk about the sodding Royal Family or make the same inane jokes about Britain, or point out my foreignness in some other way, all of which bore me rigid. I am coming to a point where I get to decide whether I stay here or go back (I am a free agent as am single and don't have DC) and am leaning quite heavily towards going back, because if I can't make a go of it socially where I am now, I can't see it being much better anywhere else.

Your posts make me think: what about your husband? Does he have a social network of some kind? Is he including you in it? What is he doing to help you integrate and find a social circle? Because I wouldn't make such a huge sacrifice as to move countries for someone unless they were prepared to pull out all the stops to help me integrate and get what I needed to make me happy in a new place. And I'm not talking about just moving closer to Columbus - is he out there trying to build a social network that you can be a part of? These things are easier as couples, especially if you do the church thing (churches in the US are not good with single people).

When you say that your DH has never lived outside OH, does that mean he has never even lived in Britain? Because if he hasn't experienced what it's like to live abroad, then he will be totally clueless about how awful it can be.

But you wanted to know what we all do to cope. Well, I use Facebook and Mumsnet as a link to home, and I talk to my family a lot and see them about 3 times a year. The Episcopal Church feels a bit like the CofE. I watch a lot of Netflix instead of crappy US TV. I got my home exactly the way I wanted it - having a nice living space really helps me. I cook what I would eat in the UK and try to stay healthy. I would say take every single social opening possible and accept that 90% of them aren't going to pan out. Also think about moving to a college town - it doesn't have to be massive - even if it's small it will be a bit more outward looking and will have lots of newcomers all the time. But actually I think the key here is your relationship and whether your husband is doing enough to help you out.

How are you getting on, OP?

'they are polite and cordial but they've "got" their social circle and don't really need any more friends - kind of "quota achieved but thanks for your application - i'll keep you in mind if a vacancy arises"'

You hit the nail on the head there.

I think you need to actively plan to move. College towns are nice, but not all created equal. The flagship state university town is far better than the outlying branches, in general, and summer can be quite flat. There is usually quite a bit of debauchery during football or basketball season.

Big cities are probably your best bet. I think you are are likely to make good friends among emigre groups. Don't write off the Irish. I suspect there are more Irish than British in the US.

Another voice here adding to the questions about your H.

When I moved it was to a really large midwestern city and really and truly, though my (now) exH's friends were nice, and their girlfriends nice too, they had all known each other since their college days or even further back and they just had too much history together. exH himself wasn't interested in branching out and making new friends even though he was studying law at the time and you would think you could form a friendship with at least one fellow student over the three years, but noooo. He was happy with his old friends from high school, in another city, and what they liked to do together was what they had always done - hang out in a singles bar all night when the wildest of them hit town. Not the place for a couple to find new friends or have a conversation with anyone but each other.

The isolation nearly killed me; though the people I worked with were lovely colleagues, there wasn't any socialising after work -- people lived hours from each other in all different directions. We lived in an apartment and I worked full time until DD1 was born. When I took her out for a walk one day the building resident manager spotted me and was amazed I had a baby. Our paths hadn't crossed for at least 10 months.

Didn't make friends until I joined the YMCA with DD1 when she was about 6 months old, and again, sort of superficial. But getting out and chatting about high chairs and sleep beat talking to myself all day.

Sorry for not replying earlier ? I?ve not been using mumsnet over the past couple of weeks.

Hop ? that?s interesting. I didn?t know that about the Welsh bringing Eisteddfods to the area. I'm learning new stuff all the time.

Nap ? we are tied to this particular area for the time being due to my husband?s job. When I first came over here, I couldn?t work, so we had to be where he was working. I would like to look at somewhere larger, but close to where we live at the moment as moving further afield right now just isn?t practical. Fortunately, there are larger places and places that have more going for them pretty close to where we are, so we?ll look into that.

Kickassangel ? I get that reference too, a lot! I can totally relate to being a bit down before find work; I felt exactly the same way. Things are a little easier now I?m working as I have other people to socialise with, and I have been saying ?yes? to all the invites I get! Not many, for now, but it?s early days.

ClaireBunting ? thanks. I realise OH isn?t like the UK, and I don?t want it to be the same, but I am finding I feel homesick, and the differences exacerbate that. From what I?ve read here, the common theme is that it takes time and yep, you?re right, I know I have to do the running and I?m willing to do that. It?s just been difficult to find a place to start, but I am looking into meetup groups and other groups to socialise with. I have been looking out for British food, and have found a few places where I can get my ?fix? so I?m happy about that!

FairPhyllis ? so, you?re thinking of going back to the UK? Have you made a decision on that yet? I know what you mean about being a foreigner ? I get asked about the Royal Family or the Olympics, currently. I have lived abroad before, but I?ve never felt so ?out of it?, which is why I initially posted. The conversations that I get into do tend to be superficial and I do feel a bit like a freak sometimes, but I guess that goes with the territory! As for the questions about my husband ? he?s fairly new to this area too (he moved for a job a few years ago and is still settling in himself) and is still finding his feet. He does have a social circle, and he involves me in that, but they live all over Ohio, so he doesn?t tend to see them much. He also has family close by who we see on a fairly regular basis. In answer to your question ? no, he?s never lived abroad so, no, he doesn?t know what it?s like, but he has been very understanding and helped as much as he can.

Mathanxiety ? thanks for your reply too. I agree we need to actively plan to move which I think we will do, but there are practicalities too which we have to consider, so I think we?ll be here until the beginning of next year. After that..well..I?m hoping we can move somewhere with a little more to it. As for your questions about my husband ? I think I?ve kind of answered that in this post.

ClaireBunting ? thanks for checking in how I?m doing. I?m doing alright ? work is helping alleviate some of what I was feeling. I?m accepting all invites that come my way and trying to not think too much of the UK at the moment (and trying to avoid some of the Olympics coverage as that seems to make things worse). I?ve taken on board the suggestions that were put forward and we have been pretty busy the last few weekends.

Wow - I wrote a bit of an essay there! Thanks again, everyone, for all your responses. It?s been really helpful to hear from others in the same situation and get some ideas! I love this forum - it's brilliant.