DH has decided he is unhappy with his job - so is looking for new one in UK!!!!

[Portofino]

Background: 6 years ago we worked for the same company and both faced redundancy. He got offered a promotion for moving abroad. I sold MY house and lost MY redundancy payment of a huge amount as we considered it better for the family (dd was 2) to take the chance.

He negotiated extra wages in the relocation which meant the support package went out the window. I had to sort creche/school for dd. The language lessons and job help for me also vanished. I sorted my own job and enrolled dd in school. I found it bloody hard for the first 2 years working ft with a small child with dh travelling much.

I went through about 3 years of having a hard time with work with DH being vaguely sympathetic - but I found friends so had a bit of support network - and that grew and grew. So now, 6 years in, I am totally settled. Dd is doing well at school. I have friends and work is good.

And now dh has had a few month's where HE has found it hard going (as opposed to about 4 years for me) and is now looking for jobs in the UK. He never even asked what I thought. My LIFE is here now. I can imagine moving back - but not just to fit in with a new job.......what about my fecking job, what about schools and childcare and all the other stuff he seems to be not thinking about.....

It's time to sit him down and give him a verbal kick up the ass. If he doesn't realize the sacrifices you made and how difficult thing were for you, tell him. He does not get to make all the decisions on a whim - you need to make it clear that if there is any decision to be made about moving back to the UK or staying that you both have equal input. He is being a selfish tosser, if he isn't usually one it will be a reality check, if he is it needs to stop.

Do you think he's serious about the UK job thing, or just sort of idly scouting?

You definitely need to tell him what you've said above, but I'd write it down. I find people can be better at reading something and digesting it for a bit than at the confrontation of a discussion/row, where lots of points can get lost or forgotten.

He said "We will move to where the job is". Um - no - we won't!

Oh no, that's not fair! Can you just look a bit sad and say "but we'll miss you if you get a job in the UK and you have to move back".

But seriously, could there be more to the problems at work than he's letting on? "We will move to where the job is" sounds a but like he's worried he will no longer have a job where he is now. Has he messed up something at work and awaiting the fall out?

What would your DD make of a move?

It sounds like a knee jerk reaction to something that has recently happened actually. Is there anything that you know off from work that would have upset him?

I like never 's idea Can you just look a bit sad and say "but we'll miss you if you get a job in the UK and you have to move back".

He does need to understand that you are not going to follow him blindly and there needs to be some discussion and understanding on his part of the sacrifices you have made for him and your daughter.

Negotiating the extra wages in lieu of the support package seems staggeringly selfish. Was it discussed at the time?

Unless he's not being honest about the reasons for job hunting, I see no basis for you to agree to uprooting your family again. I moved my family to where my job is when ds was a baby, but that was with DH's full agreement. Now I would be extremely loth to do it again because of schools, the upheaval to ds, DH's medical treatment - it's a huge ask. I would do it if I absolutely had to as ultimately we do need to be where I can earn money. But only if I genuinely couldn't earn money where we are now.

Yes - I am sure something is going on at work - but he is refusing to talk about it. I am cross by the fact he just seems to blithely assume we will meekly fall in with whatever suits him. I made huge sacrifices to move abroad in the first place. The support package was never discussed - he gave me the document so I assumed everything was included. It was only when we moved that it transpired that certain things weren't.

He promised that he would make lots of effort to help us integrate - and he never did that either. However I am not little meek trailing spouse, so i just got on with building a life for dd and I. It took a lot of time and effort to make friends and sort out my own career. I really feel at the moment that it has all come together.....and I am totally gobsmacked that the minute HIS life gets a bit stressful he seems to expect we will pack it all in....!

I totally understand your point of view and it is entirely valid. He had not realised how hard it has been for you and until he does he has no right to ask you even consider moving again.

He sounds entirely self absorbed at the moment.

as others said - staggering selfish, inconsiderate and arrogant behaviour.

wake up call time.

i find it hard to imagine you putting up with this portofino.

i think you need to be blunt with him - you won't even consider a move until he is completely upfront with you with what's going on at work and if the problem is solveable, tell him to solve it and not run away. Make it clear to him how hellish it was for you when you last moved.

If all else fails slap him round the face with a wet kipper, would at least wake him up

Certainly sounds like he is running away from something. Would you be able to stay if he decided to return to UK? He may be about to find out the hard way that the UK he left 6 years ago is not the same one as he will find today, economically and jobwise he may be better off staying put for now, let alone for your family stability. Frankly he cannot afford to be so blinkered.

SAF - yes he seems to transformed into someone I don't recognise. He never used to be like this at all. It's like, the further up the career chain he has got, the further he has disappeared up his own arse.

So many "little" things over time.....eg he got promoted and was entitled to a company car. We had one big family car between us - so it was decided we would sell that, he would get the new "family" car and I would get a small runaround, easy to park, fuel efficient etc. So I went and traded in the big car and ordered a little one, and he came home with a fecking sedan, with only 4 seats and a beige suede interior - instead of the family estate car we'd agreed on. It is so impractical on so many levels.....

The other night he mentioned he had to see the accountant at work about doing his tax return. I said "Don't you mean OUR tax return?" Then he said they had asked him something he didn't understand. I asked what was the question was - and he refused to tell me! It's like he couldn't bear that I might know the answer......He still wouldn't tell me what it was after they'd explained it to him. Knob.

If the agenda of one partner diverges very greatly from the agenda of the other, it usually causes a lot of friction.

Why don't you take a deep breath, do your best to listen without commenting/knee-jerk reactions, and ask how you think his life is going to look for the next few years. Don't say anything at all. Think it over, and then think about your own life and where you see it going. Because you need to reconcile the two, and you won't get everything you want anymore than your H should get everything he wants.

You need to work as a team.
Are there any areas in the UK that you would consider moving back to?
There is a danger that, while he is not communicating with you properly,he may just sign up to somewhere,even a different country.

And agree with Bonsoir.

It is not that I am against the idea of moving back to the UK, per se, though there are pros and cons to that - and a huge amount of expense. And of course - he has to actually FIND a job somwhere first. It is the thought he unilaterally decided that applying for a job in the UK was such a good idea - without even discussing it with me first - and his blatant assumption that I will just drop everything and follow him.

It is just so disrepectful - implying that my career and my wishes are of secondary/no importance - nor any thoughts about dd and how she would cope with it all. I don't think I can get past that. As it was, after a few other issues (which are probably linked to his current stress levels) I was going to get through the summer holidays and then review where I want to go with this/him.

The more I think about "We will have to move to where the job is" the more cross I get. I have a job. I like my job.

Hmm. He is behaving quite twattishly, all around. It definitely sounds like the moment has come to Put Your Foot Down.

--On his bollocks--

God I would be livid.

Don't know what to suggest. He is behaving like a proper dick.

What did he say when you discovered that he was looking for another job and you asked what on earth he was doing?

Is there any chance he has depression.Has he got very inward looking because of his stress.
If you can,I think ideally you both need a long heart to heart.Is there someone to look after your DD for a few hours,perhaps sometime over the weekend.

It sounds to me like because you and DD followed him last time when you had no job and DD was tiny, he thinks that he's the fecking Pied Piper.

He clearly needs it pointing out to him that he is not the only adult nor the most important person in the family, and that any decisions would be joint ones based on the consensus of what is best for you all.

Is there any reason that he may feel it's impossible for him to get another job where you currently are (e.g. language he doesn't speak)?

Hm. He clearly thinks it's all about him. I wouldn't be cross that he felt ready to return home, but I would be very disappointed at his assumption that his family would just trail. Do you both earn similar salaries? Or does his assumption that you will trail, stem from a sense of entitlement that often comes from being the main breadwinner?

He sounds a bit 1950s.

porto does he really mean it, or is he just thinking aloud?

I ask because the DH of a friend used to declare all manner of things: moves to Canada, adopting a child from China, giving up work and buying a house in France to do up...she used to get very frantic until she realised he was just blowing off steam. He never actually pursued any of it!

@ICut. Well the job/a move are all hypothetical at the mo. He is has to find one/apply/get an interview. It is more the principle. If we sat down and agreed that it would be a good idea to move back and discussed the ins and outs of it, that's fine.

I am even sympathetic to the fact he is having a hard time (though he exhibited less of this when I was going through similar). But he automatically assumed that we would up sticks and move because he wants to change jobs. This sticks in my craw because I had a particularly miserable couple of YEARS with mine but stuck at it because it suited the family, and turned down roles suggested by head hunters as it would have made life too complicated.

Little - he gets an expat tax break - which I don't get. He doesn't earn substantially more than me gross - maybe 60/40 or less. But I get other stuff with my job that actually contributes. Free mobile phone/calls. 120 euros a month in luncheon vouchers which go towards shopping. Vastly reduced digital tv/internet/phone package. Free travel/breakdown insurance. He gets - a car and a blackberry.

When he originally told you of his plans,did he say anything else at all?Any other clues as to what is going on.

amillionyears, bless you, but you are trying to imply that I need to understand him better to get to the bottom of this. I understand him fine. He is currently drinking beer in front of the football. He is pissed off with his job and wants a new one.

He (in his thinking, believes that dd and I will just work round that like we did last time). He is mistaken.